dating a japanese guy?

[Anonymous]

ive just starting hanging out with a japanese guy, and im not sure if he is interested in getting romantic with me(as i am with him). dating protocal seems so much different from the west. how can i tell if he wants to date or just hang out?! help!

[Glenski]

We can't tell much from your post. What is he doing/not doing?

[Anonymous]

In a Japanese relationship, if a guy likes a girl, he will gather up the nerve and confess his love to you (known as kokuhaku) in the form of the question'ski atte kuremasuka' (will you go out with me)(will you be my boyfriend)
If you say yes, regular boyfriend /girlfriend activities are permitted.
If you say no, he will stalk you until you say yes :)

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend Koichi was really shy when we were friends. We were just friends (I thought) and I had no idea he felt the way he did until he came out suddenly with a kokuhaku ("confession of love"). It sounds a bit strange, but that seems to be the way most guys are here in Japan. Plus, they are quite shy. Koichi has lived in Australia for 18 months, which makes him a bit less reserved than other Japanese guys, but he is still quite Japanese. I thought guys that age (my bf is 28 this year) would be a bit more natural in expressing their feelings rather than a sudden announcement, but.... it seems to be quite common...

[Anonymous]

sorry, i should have given a little more info.
when we have gone out, he has said that he is happy to see me, and that he thinks im very pretty. he also plays in a band, and asked me to come to one of his live shows. we also enjoy the same type of music, so he said he wants to give me some of his favorite cds to listen to.
Im not sure if he is simply being friendly, or possibly he is 'courting' me, that is, getting a feel for how things are, and how they could be,
because back home in canada, guys usually call me every other day, tell my girlfriends that they are interested and pursue the situation. this situation is a little different. is he just laying low first to feel out the situation, or perhaps he wants a gaijin friend. could be both i guess.
hmmmmmmmm

[Anonymous]

Sure he wants a gaijin friend, a japanese person with a gaijin friend is the envy of everyone! My ex girlfriend brags and introduces me to everone just to show how cool she is. Gaijin friends are hard to come by, ya know.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm
I aso have a Japanese bf. And he was really quite shy first four days our relations. All this time we've going out etc, he said that I'm beautiful etc. But I felt myself a bit unsure about him... On fifths day he kissed me - it was start *^-^*

But actuaally I still hardly understand some of his behaviours...

[Anonymous]

I am also dating a japanese guy, and he is also very shy about certain things...He is the sweetest guy I have ever met, and he keeps saying he wants me to be happy all the time...and does make me happy! But whenever it gets on the topic of sex, he gets all shy...he has NO problem doing it, but talking about it makes him uncomfortable..something you barely see in Canada.
It's very interesting to me!!

[Anonymous]

ive been dating a japanese guy for 3 months now. its not that long but apparently he had liked me for over a year. he never told me. just hung out with me and sometimes ivited me to his house to hang out. one time a year and some ago he asked me out and he kissed me...but then i never heard from him for a few days. and we sorta naturally broke up. but were still friends...but recently he tried to persue me more seriously which was pretty much the same as before. chirachira looking at me and making small talk. inviting me to his place. finally some of my friends tried to do something to move the situation along and had my birthday at his house. and from then on we were a couple. but that was so hard to get things started. even if i flirted with him and made things obvious i like him...japanese boys are just so shy!!

[Anonymous]

So, how are they in bed??

[sofy]

I dated japanese guys,
i dont wanna put em in the same bag,but most of the time its really hard to read their feelings. I was seeing a guy once,we were "friendly hangin out". i liked him a lot,we were in canada,after he went back to japan,i heard from his friend that i was a "cold hearted".

Because i didnt knew about his feelings...
If i knew i would probabblt with that guy today,
if he had told be about his feelings.
But now he has a gfriend in nagoya,hope he is happy,
wish him the best.

So i think that Guys ir Girls,if you love some1,
make the move,the worst you can get is "lets be frioends".



Good luck "maa maa"

~Sofy~ ^-^

[sofy]

(sorry for my bad typing guys,its mornin )

[Anonymous]

i have no complaints about what goes on in the bedroom...(>_<) hehehe

[Anonymous]

Well ... to everyone ... I have to agree with most of you that Japanese guys are shy ... they even go out of their way just to avoid you sometimes .... However, I do find a number of them cute and I am interested in dating one .... Nonetheless, I feel that these Japanese men would only date Western women a.k.a blond/brunette/red-head, and not an Asian gaijin like myself ... Is there any hope at all for the likes of me?? :-((( ....

[Phil]

Jue the Cat are u a hottie? Why not send me your pic and I will see who i can round up for you :)

[Anonymous]

Hello Phil!! ...

The word "hottie" is kinda relative to me .... I would think of myself more as presentable ... no, I don't have antennas on my head, and my skin is perfectly tanned, not green or blue ... Thanks for the offer though ... it's kind of you to make such an offer to a perfect stranger .... I am just curious on finding out whether Japanese men would actually date Asian gaijin women like yours truly .....

[Anonymous]

maa maa>

I dated some musicians in Japan...
You have to be very careful. It is a status symbol for them to have gaijin fans... many musicians also just sleep with their fans, even Japanese.
You say he is loaning you CDs... are they of HIS music, or of someone else? If they are his music, I would be a little suspicious, does he want you only as a fan so that he has a status symbol? If he is sharing other music with you, I would take it as a good sign.

I dated a few Japanese musicians... some of them just date all of the gaijin they can. If you want, email me and tell me the whole story... if it is one of the same guys who screwed ME over, you can count him out, if not, there may be real hope.

Some band guys are really sweet, don't get me wrong. I just know a couple who tried to seduce me AND my friends... gaijin fetish. Be careful, but have fun too.

[Phil]

Jue the cat - answer is yes. But Japanese guys seem to be either a) the 80% who are painfully shy, occasionally geeky, somtimes both b) the 20% who are confident tanned & trendy and always up to their nuts in guts.

I think foreign women have a tough time because women generally like the man to do the chatting up and don't want to play the pursuer, esp when the tea leaves are hard to read.

Solution may be to have someone who knows the guys concerned give you an inside line on what he thinks of you. Not always possible of course...

ALso depends on whether you are looking for more than a physical thing... The love thing gets complicated, esp with the extra tatemae-honne mindreading issues we know and love in Japan.

[jguylover]

I have a Korean American friend, and Japanese guys have shown interest in her. Did you see my other post? If you like, mail me and join my jguylover club! jguylover@yahoo.com

[Anonymous]

Dear maa maa, Phil and everyone ...

I have tried to date a Japanese man ... I have practically thrown myself at him .... His response is negative of course, and yet surprisingly honest .... He says he's not interested in dating anyone, he hasn't got the time to make such a commitment blah blah .... I did ask him whether he's gay, and he said no (but then again in hindsight maybe I shouldn't really expect an honest answer for this one) .... yet he just wants to be my friend and he wants to keep in touch for a long time .... maybe I'm being too immature about this, yet I can't deny the fact that I like this guy a lot .... should I remain friends with him, or should I move on?

[Anonymous]

A unanimous sigh from all of us daters.......

Fun stuff, isn't it? What's with the whole dating scene here? I've been dating a Japanese guy ( I think???) for two months. Well, I guess we're dating. Back in Canada, it would be totally platonic. After our first three "dates", I figured it was just friends, so I mentally checked out of the situation...........he's never kissed me, gets scared if I make a move to kiss him...............you all know the drill...............but...........

He asked me out for dinner last night and picked me up on his motorcycle, as usual. Then, he said he was so excited about having our fourth DATE! Augh! So, I guess we're dating........

Still no kiss, though. Try to hold his hand and he pulls away. Sigh.

I don't have the patience for this. Think I'll be moving on soon. Agree? Disagree?

[Phil]

I think it depends what you want. If you want sex, my guess is you may have a long wait with shy J-guys (SJ's), and you may want to go for the J-guys who just want a lay (LG's). It sounds like jguylover may have some contacts there.

If on the other hand you want romance and the sweet stuff the shy J-guys may be worth it. If you want both, maybe you could see the LG for the banging and the SG for the sweet stuff, until the SG drops his pants, at which point you can part ways with the LG and just focus on the SG.

Bear in mind that J guys are traditionally expected to be the samurai. A more extreme version of the English 'stiff upper lip'. Since all the stiffness goes to the upper lip they have none left for other bits :). More seriously though they are expected to be strong, gentlemanly, have integrity etc, none of which requirements apply to J women. Hence the results which speak for themselves. J guys have a noticeable proportion of nice dorks and J girls have a noticeable proportion of selfish slappers.

All very complicated but then again that's the challenge!

[Anonymous]

Hello there. I have read all the posts and I am happy to hear that there are so many gals who are as baffled by the dating scene as I! In November I dated a J-man...about 3 or 4 times. Not once did he give any indication that we were more than just friends. My Japanese friend said I gave up too quickly. I was sick of always initiating. In December I started to date(?...I guess?) a man. Apparently in Japan, there is either dating or not. Men and women do not have platonic friends as we do in the West. So, if he is going out with you solo for more than a few times, chances are, he is interestd. It just takes time and patience. If he is a decent man it should be worth it., Sure beats the men back in the West who try so desperately to get into our pants on the first date. Btw, I am Asian-Canadian and I have no problems finding men who are interested. I am no model type, by any means, but I guess being Asian has been a positive plus in the dating scene.

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone ....

To Frustratted ... Osaka ... I think you replied to my thread .... I agree with you 100% about J guys just wanting to learn English, and not dating you .... that's actually what's happening to me and my J "friend" .... He's taking the TOIEC this July, so I'm helping him out ... actually I pity the guy .... He really is a nice guy ... or maybe I'm the type that just sabotages my own chances at romance or whatever by secretly hoping that guys like him would actually date me one day .... To Phil ... I really like your email ... especially about the SG, the LG and the "stiff upper lip" ... trid not to LOL in the Comp Lab ....

[jguylover]

U girls just gotta be more agressive. I've never had any problems getting a guy to admit his interest in me, I always know by the end of the date wether or not he'll be back for more. As for getting sick of initiating, what exactly do you mean? I never get tired of expressing my ideas of where to go, or what to do, or even initiating that first kiss! That way, I always can get what I want. If a guy continues to say "whatever you want" then at least I know he's the boring/unimaginitive type, and I can move on to someone who is more comfortable about expressing himself.

[J]

I have been dating a J guy for over 2 and a half years and at times I feel that I am none the wiser for it. He has dated a gaijin girl a while back and was unfortunately hurt by her. As a result I have been dealing with the hangover from that, ie. dealing with his insecurities. I know that everyone has some insecurities to a greater or lesser extent but I`m coming to the end of my tether! When we have an argument, which has been happening more frequently recently, he has this amazingly annoying habbit of ignoring my calls or simply turning off his phone.
Can anyone give me some advice? I feel like I always have to make the first move after the argument even if I`m not in the "wrong"!

[jguylover]

In relationships, no one is ever "wrong". There are just differing points of view. The trick is to find a way to make a compromise. But if you can't, then you may need to move on. This is just how you find who right for you.

Insecurties, I don't deal with. I had that kind of relationship for far too long, and all it did was bring me down, too. I got soooooo tired of always propping up his ego. After I recognized it for the manipulative trick it was, it stopped working. Only in retrospect did I realize how much it controlled me.

He doesn't answer the phone? Quit calling. Go out with your friends, and show him that you don't have to put up with such childish behavior. Find a guy who has real self confidence, and doesn't need to resort to such tricks to keep your attention.

[Phil]

To be fair it's not necessarily a trick. I don't know a lot about how Japanese guys act in a relationship, but Japanese people are confrontation averse. When confronted with perceived aggression (as can happen during an argument) they often walk away or bury their heads in the sand rather than slug it out.

Bear in mind also that cross-cultural relationships are simply very difficult. In my view it takes more of everything (hard work, trust, communication) than in one where both parties are from the same background. And trust and communication can be very difficult when the 2 may have a language barrier and different culturally driven personality traits. Lastly when you note that divorce rates are 50% in the West for people from the SAME culture (don't kmnow what it is for J-J marriages), the odds don't look great for G-J relationships.

Also important to do I think is make the argument a discussion, not a shouting match. If one party thinks the other is calling to beat them up some more they won't be too keen to answer.

I don't know much about your situation but that's my 2 cents.

[jguylover]

well, I think I know a fair bit about international relationships, considering that I was married to a Japanense guy for 8 years. BTW it wasn't cultural differences that broke us up; it was his insecurity and the way he used it to control me. It most definately CAN be used to as a weapon, by either males or females, across cultural barriers.

He had to have the upper hand at all times, and tried his best to make me feel guilty that I was being so "mean" to him. From her post, that was what it sounded like her bf was trying to do to her. Using a whining delclaration like "my last gaijin girlfriend hurt me sooo bad" is not a good excuse. If he hasn't moved past whatever happened in his last relationship, I think that is a sign he is not ready for another relationship yet.

Since my divorce I've had a few other relationships with J-guys, and not one of them ever acted like my ex did. They were all confident, emotionally secure guys. I will never fall for that trick again.

[Ayaka]

For JuetheCat - I'm Asian American, from California, and I've had 2 Japanese boyfriends since moving to Japan. Being Asian probably is an asset when it comes to getting a Japanese boyfriend. They might initially be more interested in 'Western' women because they are exotic in Japan, but I find most Japanese men to be more comfortable with me than the blondes. And I think guys usually want to be able to relax around their GFs.

Personally, I take issue with whoever wrote the resources section for this topic (Relationships). I think lots of foreign women like Japanese men and have had experience dating them. Of course I could be wrong, but to describe dating in Japan as HELL for foreign women is ridiculous. For any foreign women who want a Japanese boyfriend but can't get one, well, they must be doing something wrong.

As for J-guys being shy, they usually aren't shy with me. My first boyfriend tried to get in my pants the first night we met. Didn't happen, but no vague intentions there. As for my current BF, there was no kokuhaku - we had known each other for a while, and then after a party one night, we just went home together.

If you are speaking mostly English to them, sure, they're going to be shy because they usually can't speak for ****. I've been dating my current BF for about 3 years, and he can barely string a sentence together in English. So if you are wary of being used as an English teacher, don't speak English. Speak Japanese.

The main trouble I find with Japanese guys is the same as with the girls - cultural differences and such. If I think differently about something or want to do something my own way, it almost always starts an argument with my BF. He can never answer a question that starts with the word 'why,' except to say 'shouganai' or 'atarimae.' So just because foreign women *can* get a Japanese BF doesn't mean they want one. After all, unlike a lot of foreign men in Japan, women usually aren't interested only in getting laid. They do care about what's on the inside too.

[Anonymous]

Of course that part was written by a foreign man. They hate to think that J guys can offer something that they can't. I must say that most of the foreign women I know here like Japanese men and find it quite easy to find a boyfriend. Ayaka wrote:

[crzydmnd9]

It really is frustrating. I'm going out with a Japanese guy as well and he's been in Australia for 4 years now. I would've thought that he'd be a lot less reserved about his emotions in a relationship but I was dead wrong..! Now i've realised how very traditional he is.. He is so quiet, I have to guess what he's thinking about, I make most of the decisions, and he's so shy in bed to the extent that I feel like a complete sex-crazed monster. I have no idea what to do with him.. He's really sweet and all, but honestly, his lack of initiative frustrates me to no end. Wait, am I supposed to guess what he wants? I believe so.. It also doesn't help that his lack of emotions extends to the 'it's ok if you want to sleep with someone else as long as you're happy' zone. OMGz.

I would hate very much to say that all Japanese guys are like this, but most of them are so very quiet and mysterious..

[Marius_II]

It really is frustrating.
...
i've realised how very traditional he is..
...
He is so quiet
...
so shy in bed
...
his lack of initiative frustrates me
...
I would hate very much to say that all Japanese guys are like this, but most of them are so very quiet and mysterious..

What about the quiet, initiative-lacking shy boys you encountered in elementary school. Were they also mysterious? ;)

I think there's a simple reason for this mysteriousness and that is that the (ahem) traditional boys only knows traditional girls. First he's spooked by your nontraditional outspokenness, but foremost he's probably just amazed of getting & having some exotic tail.

And I welcome it. Good on you guys http://forum.gaijinpot.com/images/icons/icon14.gif

[japanesepeso]

7 year necro. nice.

[Problematic]

I'm in a worse condition. I know this J-guy through internet and we have been chatting with only a few days. At first, I thought he just wanna to learn chinese from me(I'm a chinese girl). So we chat a lot and in return, he teached me japanese. We just got into a fight yesterday and he confessed to me. How could he fell for me in few days? I never see him before and neither he is. I don't know whether to believe him or think him as a cheater. He told me about his family and show me their pictures. But he never show me his pictures. He promised me he will come over my country to see me. Should I believe him? I become upset after that. After he confessed to me, he didn't really talk to me like he used to and he went to do other stuff. Is he just using me to help him in chinese?

[Tsunami Passion]

I'm in a worse condition. I know this J-guy through internet and we have been chatting with only a few days. At first, I thought he just wanna to learn chinese from me(I'm a chinese girl). So we chat a lot and in return, he teached me japanese. We just got into a fight yesterday and he confessed to me. How could he fell for me in few days? I never see him before and neither he is. I don't know whether to believe him or think him as a cheater. He told me about his family and show me their pictures. But he never show me his pictures. He promised me he will come over my country to see me. Should I believe him? I become upset after that. After he confessed to me, he didn't really talk to me like he used to and he went to do other stuff. Is he just using me to help him in chinese?


has he seen your pics?
if so yes,
if not...
yes

[Tsunami Passion]

btw how can he be a cheater if he has not seen you before

[KansaiBen]

I'm in a worse condition. I know this J-guy through internet and we have been chatting with only a few days. At first, I thought he just wanna to learn chinese from me(I'm a chinese girl). So we chat a lot and in return, he teached me japanese. We just got into a fight yesterday and he confessed to me. How could he fell for me in few days? I never see him before and neither he is. I don't know whether to believe him or think him as a cheater. He told me about his family and show me their pictures. But he never show me his pictures. He promised me he will come over my country to see me. Should I believe him? I become upset after that. After he confessed to me, he didn't really talk to me like he used to and he went to do other stuff. Is he just using me to help him in chinese?

MY two cents worth. If hes not your boyfriend then hes not cheating on you. He may be hitting on lots of other women but as unseemly as it looks hes probably talked to dozens of other women before he came to you. Its called prospecting. I call it shucking for oysters to find the pearl.

I will also add that until he actually arrives at your airport then he have to take his entreaties of love with a grain of salt. Do not get into saying sweet nothings, thinking hes your boyfriend etc or you risk getting hurt. Say you want to meet him first and lay off the 'I love yous' till you actually meet. You may find hes a different person in the flesh than he is on a dating site.

You dont know this guy from a bar of soap, dont know if he has a wife, girlfriend already and is just looking for an e-pal of the opposite sex that he can indulge his fantasies (and believe me, a sexy come-hither photo can set guys off here, Ive hit on Chinese women living in China too).


Be advised that to suddenly drop everything arrange visas, take time off work and fly to China takes a lot of time and preparation and money. Dont expect things to happen at the drop of a hat just because you snap your fingers and want him to come and visit you after 3 or 4 emails.

[Problematic]

Tsunami Passion,
Isn't your answer is the same? Because he said he likes me when we just chatted for few times.

KansaiBen,
I never said any sweet stuff or other things to him because I did not trust him much. Plus, I'm not a chinese girl from China. I don't expect much from him. I worried he was a cheater who was desperate looking from a 'online girlfriend'. Btw, are you a japanese?

[nicia312]

Hi "problematic"!

U should not think too much about that!
The guy is far u dont know him well...and so on!
U cant have the proof that u can trust him 100 %...
Hm and i agree with some who said he is not ur boyfriend..so he cant cheating on u
and yes maybe he have other girls with who he is talking in the same way as 'u'!
Anyway ...u will see if he come to see u!
And u will see when u are talking with him with time!
But anyway don't give 100% of ur trust in someone!
And u know him since just few days and he is already confess he "love u" XD
U should know what is the answer of ur problem then..
He dont know u..how can he be in love with you..just in 4 days?


Dont think about that!
U have many guys in the wolrd and next to u!!!
(^_^)!

[Gioz]

Hi all,

I'm confused about my relationship with my JP bf. We have been together for about 3 months now and I already met some of his family, talked to me about living in Japan together and marriage and kids... Is he going too fast or it's just normal thing in Japan? It is just so shocking for me...

Thanks a lot!!!

[ArcticWhoot]

Hi all,

I'm confused about my relationship with my JP bf. We have been together for about 3 months now and I already met some of his family, talked to me about living in Japan together and marriage and kids... Is he going too fast or it's just normal thing in Japan? It is just so shocking for me...

Thanks a lot!!!

Wonder about his age and relationship history... That all has to do with it.

I don't think moving that fast that's usual in Japan or any other country, but what is "normal" or not is up to each individual's views... (unless we use some statistic of what MOST people do). Anyways, don't freak out- maybe your dude is on his stage where he thinks it's time to settle down- and sees you as appropiate wife material. Maybe he really wants to stay with you and wants to make sure you won't leave him and go back to gaikoku :P .

If you feel pressed, just tell him to give you some time, what's the rush anyway :)

[Gioz]

Wonder about his age and relationship history... That all has to do with it.

I don't think moving that fast that's usual in Japan or any other country, but what is "normal" or not is up to each individual's views... (unless we use some statistic of what MOST people do). Anyways, don't freak out- maybe your dude is on his stage where he thinks it's time to settle down- and sees you as appropiate wife material. Maybe he really wants to stay with you and wants to make sure you won't leave him and go back to gaikoku :P .

If you feel pressed, just tell him to give you some time, what's the rush anyway :)

Thanks a lot for your comment ArcticWhoot!
I hope he really wants me because the "being appropriate wife material" sounds really bad... hahaha!!
Well, he is 31 now and our story started just some months ago... we met each other, started to talk as if we had been best friends for years and our relationship is fast but it's just so natural... The only think is that he wants to take more serious steps and the rational part inside my mind worries...
The rush is all about he leaving to Japan (maybe forever) in January and he probably wants to make sure that I want to be with him... life is complicated!
:)

[ArcticWhoot]

Thanks a lot for your comment ArcticWhoot!
I hope he really wants me because the "being appropriate wife material" sounds really bad... hahaha!!
Well, he is 31 now and our story started just some months ago... we met each other, started to talk as if we had been best friends for years and our relationship is fast but it's just so natural... The only think is that he wants to take more serious steps and the rational part inside my mind worries...
The rush is all about he leaving to Japan (maybe forever) in January and he probably wants to make sure that I want to be with him... life is complicated!
:)

Oh don't get me wrong- my meaning by "appropiate wife material" is that he loves and respects you enough, and thinks about sharing his life with you. Not in the 50's manner that he thinks you will will wear an apron all day long and pick up his dirty socks from the floor in between cooking, changing your kid's diapers and serving him beer while he watches tv ;).

Hey, you don't need to get married right away to continue the relationship, you can visit him to Japan with tourist visa which is 3 months (if you need to apply in advance or not and if it's easy to get or not, depends in which country you live in). Some time of a long-distance relationship also can teach both of you a lot, like not to take each other for granted that can easily happen in a relationship. You can visit and stay with him few times before you decide about marriage. I understand he hopes to be sure you will stay with him, but I don't think he really wants to tie you up before you are sure you want it and ready for it.

Getting married quickly after getting together happened with me and my hubby, we were friends for a long time first- there was a spark but at least I wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone due to my life situation. But when we finally got together, we moved on quite fast, from the beginning we felt it's obvious we're gonna stay together and it didn't take long before we got married. Actually, just a bit over one year, of which some time we were in a long-distance relationship. In my case, I could visit him 3 x 3 months a year with a tourist visa.

Keep up talking like you were best friends- straightforward. You also have the right to express your worries. Work out together to find out a solution :)

[Gioz]

Oh don't get me wrong- my meaning by "appropiate wife material" is that he loves and respects you enough, and thinks about sharing his life with you. Not in the 50's manner that he thinks you will will wear an apron all day long and pick up his dirty socks from the floor in between cooking, changing your kid's diapers and serving him beer while he watches tv.

Hey, you don't need to get married right away to continue the relationship, you can visit him to Japan with tourist visa which is 3 months (if you need to apply in advance or not and if it's easy to get or not, depends in which country you live in). Some time of a long-distance relationship also can teach both of you a lot, like not to take each other for granted that can easily happen in a relationship. You can visit and stay with him few times before you decide about marriage. I understand he hopes to be sure you will stay with him, but I don't think he really wants to tie you up before you are sure you want it and ready for it.

Getting married quickly after getting together happened with me and my hubby, we were friends for a long time first- there was a spark but at least I wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone due to my life situation. But when we finally got together, we moved on quite fast, from the beginning we felt it's obvious we're gonna stay together and it didn't take long before we got married. Actually, just a bit over one year, of which some time we were in a long-distance relationship. In my case, I could visit him 3 x 3 months a year with a tourist visa.

Keep up talking like you were best friends- straightforward. You also have the right to express your worries. Work out together to find out a solution :)


Oh... Thanks for telling me about your experience, it helped me a lot because I was feeling too confused... :)

In fact, we were also thinking about me doing a placement in Japan 6 months per year until I finish my PhD. I wouldn't live in the same city as him but we could see each other more often... And I can also think about my holidays time in Japan... Many possibilities :D

By the way, do you live in Japan now? Did you find difficult to adapt to the culture, language or other things?

I didn't know anybody who went through a similar situation. I should invite you to a coffee at least... you helped me so much!!

どうもありがとう！ :)

[ArcticWhoot]

Well I'm happy if I could help by my comment :)

I actually live in 2 counties now, I'm registered in Japan and have a residence permit, but I have my apartment in my home country as well 'cos we're planning to move to my country in the future. However I stay most of time in Japan now.

Yep your plan sounds good. You can give the relationship time to grow up.

About adapting to Japan... Ummm- for me, it was not so easy. But it depends on the person and the original cultural background. The language is learnable, altho' the kana and kanji might be difficult at first. But you will need to talk some japanese at least, as most people don't speak english. Some of my issues have been the horridly hot weather at summer, huge crowds and that I can sense some racism, some japanese are not big fans of foreigners (but some others are VERY interested in foreigners). Working hours are quite insane and bosses shall be obeyed 100 %, and then there are some deeper old cultural things like beliefs that women exist to serve men, people are not individuals but they should only adapt and serve the society and bla bla, but if you come across to those things or not, depends on who you spend time with. My hubby (like yours, obvioulsy) has been studying and working abroad a lot, so at least he has a bit western thinking and more open mind. My Japanese friends are mostly globetrotters as well. And of course younger generation is more open-minded.

Aw hope I didn't make you feel freaked out, Japan is still def'ny worth experiencing and there are lots and lots of nice, awesome, interesting things to see and explore. And life is what you make it, so their rules (expect the law) don't have to be your rules :)

[Gioz]

Well I'm happy if I could help by my comment

I actually live in 2 counties now, I'm registered in Japan and have a residence permit, but I have my apartment in my home country as well 'cos we're planning to move to my country in the future. However I stay most of time in Japan now.

Yep your plan sounds good. You can give the relationship time to grow up.

About adapting to Japan... Ummm- for me, it was not so easy. But it depends on the person and the original cultural background. The language is learnable, altho' the kana and kanji might be difficult at first. But you will need to talk some japanese at least, as most people don't speak english. Some of my issues have been the horridly hot weather at summer, huge crowds and that I can sense some racism, some japanese are not big fans of foreigners (but some others are VERY interested in foreigners). Working hours are quite insane and bosses shall be obeyed 100 %, and then there are some deeper old cultural things like beliefs that women exist to serve men, people are not individuals but they should only adapt and serve the society and bla bla, but if you come across to those things or not, depends on who you spend time with. My hubby (like yours, obvioulsy) has been studying and working abroad a lot, so at least he has a bit western thinking and more open mind. My Japanese friends are mostly globetrotters as well. And of course younger generation is more open-minded.

Aw hope I didn't make you feel freaked out, Japan is still def'ny worth experiencing and there are lots and lots of nice, awesome, interesting things to see and explore. And life is what you make it, so their rules (expect the law) don't have to be your rules :)

I see... Yes, I was thinking that there might be some cultural shock there because it's just normal. Culture and language must be as different as night and day.

Thank you for telling me the bad things so I can be ready for that :D!!!! Don't worry, I just see a list of negative things. I need to contrast with the good things of being there, which are more or I hope so... ;)
Anyway, I think I can more or less adapt to the situation. The job topic is the thing that worries me more because of the language (I don't know any Japanese...), but I should start studying from now on!

Well, I definitely hope to see you around next year!! But now, I'll read all your posts very carefully!! :)

[kotoko]

Hey!

Just wanted to say a little too.

I had one long term relationship with a J-guy a while back and with him it was also fast paced. Our first argument (about 3 months into the relationship) was because he wanted to talk about having kids all the time and it freaked me out (we were 21 at the time!). I met his family too, and this is usually just for when you are seriously considering marriage, apparently. We dated for 2 years, and in the end it was cultural differences that broke us up. He didn't like that I'd had more experience than him before we'd got together (making him want to sleep with lots of girls to compensate) and also he didn't like it when we had different opinions on stuff. He said we couldn't be together if we didn't agree on political, historical etc things.

It was such a shame because, like you, I was so into him at the start. I guess I'm trying to tell you to be careful and keep your options open just in case things turn pear shaped like it did with me. :-) I'm dating anther J-guy now and this time I can put all my experience from last time into this relationship! W00p.

[ArcticWhoot]

Hi Kotoko, actually an experience like yours happened to me with a western dude, from my country, when I was younger- he wanted to move on too fast, he was annoyed 'cos of of my past experience and our political views didn't mactch lol :D. So it's not only gaijin vs. nijonjin ;).

Anyways, Gioz's dude is older, hope that helps, and I also agree that the options shall be kept open at first.

Good luck to Gioz and to Kototo with the new guy :)

[Gioz]

Thanks for your advices, Kotoko and ArcticWhoot!!!!!

I met a J guy before and he had the same obsessions about having different opinions..., but I thought he was just weird because he also had the constant thought of keeping me in the distance. I mean, he could talk to me about plans together and things like that, but he freaked out if I talked about those things... At the end, we couldn't take our "no-relationship" anymore... lol

Kotoko, I guess that you both were too young... I had the same problem, as you both, with a guy from my own country when I was 20... he wanted to try more girls but keeping me as a gf without being with other guys (!!!!!!!!!).

Anyway, let's hope the best but keeping my mind clear and other alternative options just in case!! :D

Good luck to both and thanks for the help, again!! :)

[kotoko]

Hey

I know that there are cases of the same thing back home, but I guess my point is that in Japan it's common to be in your early to mid twenties and still be a virgin (as my ex was). I find it hard to think of any virgins over 20 from back home... so the feelings that my bfnd had are more common.. I feel. I could be wrong though haha

[RadiantBase]

I can sense some racism, some japanese are not big fans of foreigners
That's interesting to see how ArcticNazi with all her chauvinist rants is now complaining about racism.

Is he going too fast or it's just normal thing in Japan?
He looks like a normal Japanese guy to me- straight to the point. Seriously, nobody answers your questions online. We have a female poster here whose Japanese ex-husband screwed all paper work while he was living with his ex-family in the States. As the result the kid can't get a Japanese citizenship. In my case I didn't do any paper work at all. All stuff was done by future husband in advance. I called only my embassy to find out what documents I need to get the certificate from them that allows me to get marreid in Japan. I assumed talking to my embassy was my work but not his. We have another female poster here who said that she is a housewife of a Japanese husband and that she has to use her savings she made back home in order to survive in Japan: pay for food, drinks and livings. It is something that I NEVER heard either from a foreign wife of a J-husband, or from a Japanese. Another female poster here complains on the low sex life with her hubby and that he feels embarassed when she goes out of the shower. I sleep naked except on my period days. At home I am in panties and in a top (because of the strong air-conditioning nipples feel cold sometimes). My hubby, especially in summer, is also in his underwear, sometimes + T-shirt. No robes or other homewear crap. We are only two in the apartment, so we can enjoy home nudity and nobody feels embarassed. Did you get what I am trying to say with all these examples? Nobody here knows how YOUR guy will act. It is pointless to ask about such things online. Ask yourself, if he were not a foreigner, would you be interested in him, do you fancy him? Why would you want to kiss the body that you don't like, right? I am not a believer that people who were friends for a long time, then suddenly fell in love. For me it sounds like a story of two losers who failed to find a better option. Physical attractiveness strikes immediately. My future hubby later told me that he wanted to have sex with me the first moment he saw me. It is the right thing to feel for straight men and I don't think your guy is moving too fast. I myselft always evaluated guys from the fisrt sight: how he looks, how he smells, how he talks, what clothes he wears, etc. After the first screening, I knew either I want to see him as a possible sex partner or not. Marriage of course is not sex only. People normally get PhD or any other higher education for a better intellectual lever (so, suckers automatically not included). It means you should be able to see things and to analyze them. Just do it. If you have some doubts about your guy, don't waste your and his time on the pointless relationship. If you feel fine, trusted and trustful, take what you like and take only the best for you.
Upon arrival in Japan you will find some unusual things and probably difficulties but nothing of that will be unacceptable. If you like to study, you will study the language. The employment market for gaijin females is the same as for gaijin males- like for gaijin. No differences. Think about what you can do here, why a Japanese employer should employ you. Many ended up with teaching, which in most cases sucks. You might have some troubles with shopping. The local clothes don't fit a 90-60-90/172cm body. You will have to find the ways out, like bringing clothes from home, order them or shop online. People here in general look friendly and quiet. I have never heard any rude word from Japanese men for my 6 years here. The only rudeness that I have to deal with comes from male gaijin morons on GP. I had only one disappointment about J-men. In the place where I am from, at least before the Toyota-plant era, we had more Japanese restaurants than Japanese people. I thought they all look like my future hubby. Upon arrival I discovered that many wear boring suits and neckties because they don't want to look better than their bosses. But it didn't spoil my opinion about J-men who obvisouly deserve a better life than their lazy J-wives can provide for them. J-girls of my age are absolutely not interesting for me. The fact that they are on average very plain-looking (keep in mind that I am from the country that is famous for feminine beauty, so my demands are pretty high) is the least of their problems. Many of them are dreaming about the life-career like to get married, quit the company and be a housewife for the rest of their life. Such mentality sucks. The only thing that I cannot change is geography. Japan is far from my home place and from Europe. But again in the modern age it is not something that you cannot survive.
Ask what you want and if you like him or not seriously. Then, make your choice. And don't read what people post online about their relationship. Yours can always be different. Good luck.

[ArcticWhoot]

Dear Radiant Base,

I assume you're talking about me and my savings, as you mentioned in another thread, so I would like to correct you. Yes- I'm using my own money even if I'm married and my husband is working. That's because of my western thinking. I dislike the idea to make my husband to pay for everything and keeping all my money for myself. It's not that my husband would refuse to pay for my living also. Of course, some of my money I spend for my own entertainment and shopping, some for treating my hubby and some for our common good. My hubby does the same.

Thanks,

ArcticWhoot
(whom you know as "ArcticNazi" 'cos of me telling my opinion about your rage against J-girls)

[RadiantBase]

I assume you're talking about me and my savings, as you mentioned in another thread, so I would like to correct you. Yes- I'm using my own money even if I'm married and my husband is working. That's because of my western thinking. I dislike the idea to make my husband to pay for everything and keeping all my money for myself.You can buy for your husband's food too if you wish and keep him 100% on the money you made before the marriage. Who cares. But don't bring your pathetically ridiculous generalization about the whole west thinking based on your personal family story. Under the most of European laws the money that a spouse earned before the marriage is not deemed as matrimonial property and therefore cannot count as a source of a shared family expenses. Moreover, the housework is deemed as work too. So, a full-time housewife has a full right on a share of husband's income made during the marriage. Again, you can pay for everything from your maiden money and for your husband too. It is your choice that has nothing to do in common with the western laws and thinking.

whom you know as "ArcticNazi" 'cos of me telling my opinion about your rage against J-girls
Liar, like all Nazi. Btw, they were on a friendly terms with Japanese, so your connection is illogical. You are ArcticNazi thanks to your chauvinist rants against Slavs and Russians particularly.

[Ermintrude]

Liar, like all Nazi. Btw, they were on a friendly terms with Japanese, so your connection is illogical. You are ArcticNazi thanks to your chauvinist rants against Slavs and Russians particularly.

Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molotov-Ribbentrop_Pact)

edit: Should I add a Pole?

[shmuck]

Dear Radiant Base,....

Why do you even care to answer that? Don't dignify it...

[ArcticWhoot]

Why do you even care to answer that? Don't dignify it...

I just tried what happens if I play extra mannerly. No effect.

[RadiantBase]

Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molotov-Ribbentrop_Pact)

edit: Should I add a Pole?
Are you saying it should be ArcticPolish or ArcticBolshevik? Methinks It is too frigid for tropically warm-in-spite-of-the-climate Polish and too dumb even for unwashed bolsheviks. I am sure you know this status. So, ArcticNazi is the right fit. Btw, would you like to share anything ontopic, like dating a Japanese guy or any guy? Aaahhh... you are too busy with chasing THAT guy in the Internet. No time for offline dating. That sucks, poor thing.

Why do you even care to answer that?
The same reason why you do.

extra mannerly. .
Haha. Never heard that chauvinism is now called "extra mannerly." Have no idea where they teach that.

[ArcticWhoot]

"Dear RadiantBase" and "Extra mannerly" were more sarcasm than chauvinism, but it's funny how you swallow every single bait ;). Anyways, let's continue on topic, shall we ?

[RadiantBase]

"Dear RadiantBase" and "Extra mannerly" were more sarcasm than chauvinism Haha. A lame trolling here. Obviously by chauvinism I didn't mean "Dear RB,.." but your rants about some folks.
Anyways, let's continue on topic, shall we ?...she said posting offtopic....

Oh, yes please. Do us a favor.

[shmuck]

Hey
but I guess my point is that in Japan it's common to be in your early to mid twenties and still be a virgin (as my ex was).

Seriously?? Hmmm, don't most of them run the streets of Shinjuku to the closest love hotel after a date? ^^

[kotoko]

Seriously?? Hmmm, don't most of them run the streets of Shinjuku to the closest love hotel after a date? ^^

Surprisingly no. In my experience Japanese guys are quite prudish. I sit here reading tales of you boys running round town getting panties to drop at the touch of your gaijin hand. Sadly us gaijin girls don't get lucky until we work hard for it. Saying that, I have a gaijin friend who would be classed as undesirable in her home country, but puts on a low cut top and has a J-dude on her lips within 10 mins of entering a bar/club etc. Maybe it's just me then.

[Don Juan]

Surprisingly no. In my experience Japanese guys are quite prudish. I sit here reading tales of you boys running round town getting panties to drop at the touch of your gaijin hand. Sadly us gaijin girls don't get lucky until we work hard for it. Saying that, I have a gaijin friend who would be classed as undesirable in her home country, but puts on a low cut top and has a J-dude on her lips within 10 mins of entering a bar/club etc. Maybe it's just me then.

Undesirable?? that is a strong word. as in dirty? smelly? unpleasant??
or just plain fat?

[Don Juan]

Hey

I know that there are cases of the same thing back home, but I guess my point is that in Japan it's common to be in your early to mid twenties and still be a virgin (as my ex was). I find it hard to think of any virgins over 20 from back home... so the feelings that my bfnd had are more common.. I feel. I could be wrong though haha

wait wait.. how can the guys can be virgin till mid twenties yet the girls generally lose their virginity at 16~20??? they date older?

[shmuck]

wait wait.. how can the guys can be virgin till mid twenties yet the girls generally lose their virginity at 16~20??? they date older?

The guys just lie. Or are nerds or dorks who hit puberty after 25. But mostly they're not virgins I think...unless they're really ugly. Those can be found in every other country as well I guess :D

Girls shag at an early age but tell every guy "I usually don't do that...but..." yeah yeah.

[Don Juan]

The guys just lie. Or are nerds or dorks who hit puberty after 25. But mostly they're not virgins I think...unless they're really ugly. Those can be found in every other country as well I guess :D

Girls shag at an early age but tell every guy "I usually don't do that...but..." yeah yeah.

No, no, What I meant was: if the guys are virgins as you said and the girls are not, who are the girls doing it with???:confused:

EDIT: I just realized you said they are not virgins... so I guess the question remains for kotoko...

[Subarctican]

They're probably doing it with older guys who have money.

[shmuck]

They're probably doing it with older guys who have money.

Yeah lots of girls say that... because they have more money and can buy them stuff and blablabla
New-age prostitution...

[Don Juan]

They're probably doing it with older guys who have money.

A perfect world....:o

[kotoko]

Yeah I was just saying she was rather large. I think (here is Kotoko's big Japanese conclusion, are you ready???!!) that J-girls look to date gaijin guys eiher to gain a pretty shiny gaijin to put on her arm, or, if they are older/wiser, to escape the rules of Japanese life, to live the Western way. J-guys very very rarely set out to date gaijin girls as serious girlfriends that may lead to life long relationships. I've had guys get their nampa on with me and tell me they "just want to say that they've done a gaijin". My current boyfriend is with me because we met at a singles party where I was the only non-Japanese girl, and also the only one who didn't look down on him for not looking like Matsu-jun and not having a high paying job. I don't think he ever expected to end up with a gaijn when he set out that night.

J-guys who I've slept with/dated have either had a lot of experience and be open about it/boast about how good they can make me feel, or be study nerds who have never gotten round to having a girlfriend. I seem to attract the latter type. I guess that's why I seem to think J-guys lose their virginity later than Western guys.

[shmuck]

J-guys who I've slept with/dated have either had a lot of experience and be open about it/boast about how good they can make me feel...

Oh my...I always roll my eyes when they say that.

[Don Juan]

Oh my...I always roll my eyes when they say that.

I always tell them that anyway sadly i am not gonna make them feel that good .....:(

[shmuck]

I always tell them that anyway sadly i am not gonna make them feel that good .....:(
So what do you do...? Pound 30 seconds and then roll over? :D

[Don Juan]

So what do you do...? Pound 30 seconds and then roll over? :D

I said I tell them.....:)

I didnt say I do what I tell:cool:笑

[shmuck]

I said I tell them.....:)

I didnt say I do what I tell:cool:笑

Naww, now that's so mean lol those poor things

[RadiantBase]

J-guys who I've slept with/dated have either had a lot of experience and be open about it/boast about how good they can make me feel

Oh my...I always roll my eyes when they say that.

I always tell them that anyway sadly i am not gonna make them feel that good .....:(
DJ and shmuck sleep with J-guys.

[shmuck]

DJ and shmuck sleep with J-guys.

Uhh...don't you too? And more importantly - so what?

[RadiantBase]

Uhh...don't you too? And more importantly - so what?

I do, with the guy. DJ previously said he is a man who sleeps with J-girls (online I presume). But here he said the opposite. Have no idea about your gender but you claim you sleep with J-guys. So that.

[Don Juan]

I do, with the guy. DJ previously said he is a man who sleeps with J-girls (online I presume). But here he said the opposite. Have no idea about your gender but you claim you sleep with J-guys. So that.

tell it to someone who cares....

[RadiantBase]

tell it to someone who cares....

Right. Nobody cares that you sleep with J-guys.

[angelhalo]

i have a confession i do like japanese guys ^^,,, they are so sweet but i wonder why they ask me a lot of questions
and they are so shy its cute ^^14187 this is me btw ^^,,, stupid right

[dipta]

There are many girls who lose their virginity between 16~20, but some as well haven't until they're 30 or something.
I'm guessing it can be the same for guys?
Maybe I'm way wrong, but it seems to me Western guys in general prefer a woman with lots of experience, while Japanese a more inexperienced one... Or is that just when wanting to settle down? Hmm

[angelhalo]

well its just i think he is scared of me =w= all i did was call him nameiskun is that bad ^^,,,

[Don Juan]

well its just i think he is scared of me =w= all i did was call him nameiskun is that bad ^^,,,

kun is putting you in a position of authority over him. Add that that you are a gaijin... wow.. I hope he is M (submissive).. otherwise you scared him...

[dipta]

^Well, it's not that linear, but... If the guy is older, he's probably running away of your (lack of) Japanese skills.
Or just running away for whatever other reasons. Find a new one.

[jtstowe]

http://mononoaware.concretebadger.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/____-you-internet.jpg

[jtstowe]

http://mononoaware.concretebadger.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/____-you-internet.jpg

[jinilikes]

Hello~~
I'm just a 17 years old french girl and I'm a bit worried about a japanese man...
Actually, I met him on the internet, he's not good at english, he can't speak french and I can't speak japanese. He's 30 years old. I just gave my picture to him and after that he stalked me for 1 year even if I refused him and had a boyfriend. I didn't talked to him much until the day I asked him if he has got facebook. I saw in his list that he has just got girl friends, he added my sister. I was making a joke and I asked him if he stalks all of his facebook friends. He said "I just practice english. Its for you.^^I really want to marry with you. "... He always says these words... I don't know what to think... Do you think he's serious or just making fun at me? :S

[Don Juan]

Hello~~
I'm just a 17 years old french girl and I'm a bit worried about a japanese man...
Actually, I met him on the internet, he's not good at english, he can't speak french and I can't speak japanese. He's 30 years old. I just gave my picture to him and after that he stalked me for 1 year even if I refused him and had a boyfriend. I didn't talked to him much until the day I asked him if he has got facebook. I saw in his list that he has just got girl friends, he added my sister. I was making a joke and I asked him if he stalks all of his facebook friends. He said "I just practice english. Its for you.^^I really want to marry with you. "... He always says these words... I don't know what to think... Do you think he's serious or just making fun at me? :S

Joji obara? ...

The fact that he has only gfs in his fb means nothing. So do I and they r the girls i don't do. But thenfact aboutnthe want to marry you..... Otaku, nerd, stalker. Run away immediately

[inuzuki8605]

But thenfact aboutnthe want to marry you..... Otaku, nerd, stalker. Run away immediately

I agree completely.... You don't want to be involved with a stalker... AT ALL!!!

[Progress3]

Hi,
I think i need some help with this Jguy..
I met him on the internet, he is in his early 30s.
We can socialize easily. At first his intention was just to study English, and in exchange he will teach me Japanese.
But as time went by, I kind of started developing feelings for this guy. He is a very busy person, i don't get the chance to talk to him too often. Most of the time we talk i have to initiate the conversation.
My questions are do Japanese guys never initiate conversations first? What are the possibilities of someone in his 30s having relationship with someone in their early 20s?

[ゆうき]

Hi there! I am a Freshman in college in the United States. We started talking to each other online (Myspace! that's about how long ago this was) and I have been romantically interested in getting to know him for awhile now. We have never had a discussion even remotely romance related, unless we talked about the relationships we were in. I know he is single now, and so am I, and we can basically talk about anything. We've talked about things we want to do with our lives in the future, and places we want to go, etc. and he has expressed before that he would rather be with a woman of a different nationality. I am pretty sure he is who he says he is, because he mentioned Skyping before until I told him I didn't have an account or a webcam. We still talk to each other on Facebook and we text a lot, and I feel like things are going well. He is a full time student going to college on the other side of the US with a student visa. But as i said before, we have never met in person so I was naturally excited when he asked me what my college was like and expressed interest in transferring here because he is disgusted with his current university. Unfortunately, the time that he plans to transfer if he comes to my school is when I am planning to study abroad. Is it appropriate to talk to him about visiting him at his school at some point to get to know him? Or just any advice at all? Thanks!