Married with Children

[Anonymous]

Heres the situation:
1. Married young(22) to a lady 12 years older than me. Im now 25
2. Have 2 young kids.
3. In love with a person Ive known since highschool (homestay sister) who is also married with 2 kids.
4. Good relationship with current wife. Love her but dont think I was ever in love with her.
5. Great sex
6. Beautiful kids
7. Cant complain about my situation
8. Had a huge crush on the girl in question since way before I met my wife
9. Recently met up with her and found out that I was madly attracted to her still, after having not seen her in about 2 years for one day and then another 2 years beofre that.
10. Never had any relationship(outside friendship) with this girl and I have no idea if she feels the same way about me. But it wouldnt matter any way as she is married with kids.


What worries me the most is that I have these feelings for someone other than my wife, this shouldnt be happening.
Heres what I want to know. How important is it to have the 'heart thumb/cant stop thinking about someone' type reaction before marrying someone? Is this just a pshycological illusion that isnt neccessary in a relationship?
Do other married guys/girls have these types of feeling for other women? ie cant stop thinking about them etc.
I married my wife for the wrong reasons. But I cant imagine splitting up and ruining my kids and wife's lives. I have a good happy family.

Very confused and depressed. Everything was going fine until I met that freakin girl who probably doenst think about me in the same way anyway.

[chotto dake]

You shouldn't blame yourself for your feelings to begin with. At the same time though, you are in a bad situation because if you don't get rid of those feelings for that other woman, you will probably eventually blame your wife for holding you back. You seem like a decent guy, and I know you don't want to ruin your family. So you should already rule out the idea of confessing to the other woman. Why did you marry your wife anyways?
Divorce in Japan is such a bad idea especially with children that although you probably have never thought about it, you never should.
Its too bad that therapy hasn't hit Japan in a big way like it has in the US otherwise this would be a viable option. I think you need to appreciate your wife more though. Relationships rarely end even when they have lost momentum until people meet "the other woman/man". Somewhere deep down inside you, you probably want out. A lot of men have a similar situation even later on (especially during mid-life crisis), but most of them rarely meet their childhood sweetheart. On the other hand though, you married extremely young, and also you married someone who has a lot more experience in life.
Your feelings are your feelings though, getting married doesn't create love or turn you into a robot. Although you may sort of romanticize that other woman, I think you will have to realize that the problem isn't with your wife or the other woman, but feelings you have in yourself. Even though you say differently, you obviously feel something is lacking in your relationship with your wife, otherwise you would not be so interested in the other woman. Also, I hope you don't feel that you are very strange, as your feelings are very common things among many men.
My advice is to try and get to know your wife more. Find out if there are things you don't yet appreciate about her. I think there is still a degree of emotional intimacy which you still haven't found with your wife.

[smallworld]

Young&dumb, I hope you don't mind a rude question, but did you get married because she was pregnant with your child? If so, good for you for doing the right thing. You're not dumb, you just took responsibility.

To answer your questions:

How important is it to have the 'heart thumb/cant stop thinking about someone' type reaction before marrying someone?
It's a little important, but not essential.
Is this just a pshycological illusion that isnt neccessary in a relationship?
Yes.
Let me tell you something: that feeling never lasts. It's replaced by something better, sure, but it disappears all the same. (It's possible to bring back temporarily, through romancing or being reunited after a long separation. But it always fades again.)
It's too bad you never had that new love feeling with your wife, but if you ended up with the same feelings as other happily married couples- deep love, trust, security, comfort, support etc, then the end result is the same as if you'd had it. No big loss.

Do other married guys/girls have these types of feeling for other women? ie cant stop thinking about them etc
Yes. So don't need to worry so much about your feelings for this other woman, they're not abnormal and they don't make you a bad person. Most married people go through this several times throughout their marriage, no matter how good the marriage is and how deeply they're in love with their spouse.
The fact that this other woman is someone you've had a crush on since way before you met your wife does complicate things, as does the fact that you keep bumping into her. But even though you've had a crush on her this long, if you do wind up having an affair with her you can bet on that lovely crushy feeling disappearing pretty quick. To be replaced not by love and security but by a big pile of guilt.

There isn't much you can do to make these feelings go away, but hopefully by continuing to be a good husband and father and not going out of your way to meet this other woman you can stop yourself from acting on them.

Good luck, and go give your wife and kids a big hug.

[Anonymous]

God dam that’s good advice from the both of you.
This girl lives 5 hours drive away so I don’t keep bumping into her. That was the first time I saw her in 2 years and even then it was only briefly. There is no chance of anything happening between us. She is going through a tough time in her life as her son is terminally ill and hasn’t ever left the hospital in his life, he’s one and a half years old and practically a vegetable. This is another thing that makes me feel bad about having these feelings.
As far as the girl goes, I just wanted to express my feelings without doing anything about it. I figured now that we are both in situations in our lives where there could never be anything between us, it might be OK to let it out. I guess I was hoping to hear the same thing back from her. I thought there must be something there for me to feel like this – probably wishful thinking. All though we hardly meet each other, there has always been a type of bond between us that allows us to cut out formalities, kick off right where we left off, and speak freely about things. In any case I think 'Chottodake's' advice was really good and I should leave it alone. No good will come from it anyway. On the night before I left we held hands (my request) during a video after our respective partners were asleep so I guess that should be enough.
I am ashamed to say that I didn’t marry her because she was pregnant. One of the reasons I married her was because through my own parents urging, I convinced her to have an abortion which she was against. After that painful time I promised her that one day we would have children. So I wasn’t going to break up with her after doing that to her.
The other reason was to get her into my own country. My visa in Japan had run out and I wanted her to go back with me. We were just going to have a paper marriage but we needed her parents consent. She told me that her parents would never go through with signing it if they knew it wasn’t for real. So I had to tell them that I really did want to marry her and somewhere along the line it happened but I wasn’t scared or worried or anything at that time. I never proposed to her, the whole thing was planned and stuff. I hope one day I can propose to her properly in some spectacular way.
To answer 'Smallworlds' question: Yes I have all those things with my wife now. But as I said I never had the initial heart throb thing with her, she made all the first moves and I went along with it. I’ve always been to shy to initiate anything with anyone anyway, which is why I never have or will know what could have happened if I pursued this girl that I am talking about.
But honestly I appreciate your advice a lot I think it was exactly what I needed to hear. I feel a lot better having read it. I was feeling super depressed and dismayed(in retrospect, I’m surprised my wife didn’t pick up on it). It’s reassuring to hear that those sort of feelings get replaced quickly by what I basically have now. The reason I posted here was because I am in a very small city, which I moved into last year and I don’t have any friends that I can talk to about this to. Everyone I work with is Japanese and twice my age. Also because I don’t have many friends here I don’t go out with anyone, and therefore I maybe seeing a little too much of my wife as I also go home every day for lunch.
Sorry for the super long reply I thought Id give you a better picture.

[Anonymous]

It looks as though you are atypical guy who could not get a girl back home 12 years your senior What ???/

Is she a goddess or rich ? what type of people think like that and you were not in love ??
so I guess you just wanterd the visa ...anyway sucker you are in a jam ,however you should not leave the family you have made your futon now lie in it .you will still be a young 40 ish and the kids will be out of school and probably your 50 ish wife will have given up sex long ago ...lif you want a divorce then ,

let this serve as awarning to other canadians who can`t get a western girlfriend , get one younger than you and make sure she is not lying ...

[Anonymous]

It looks as though you are atypical guy who could not get a girl back home 12 years your senior What ???/

Is she a goddess or rich ? what type of people think like that and you were not in love ??
so I guess you just wanterd the visa ...anyway sucker you are in a jam ,however you should not leave the family you have made your futon now lie in it .you will still be a young 40 ish and the kids will be out of school and probably your 50 ish wife will have given up sex long ago ...lif you want a divorce then ,

let this serve as awarning to other canadians who can`t get a western girlfriend , get one younger than you and make sure she is not lying ...

[Anonymous]

Point taken. I did get myself into this. I know I have no one to blame but me.
However a few points:
*The visa wasn’t for me to live in Japan it was for my wife so that she could come to my country with me i.e. instead of leaving her Japan.
*I’m not Canadian (not that there’s anything wrong with that-LOL)
*I never really had ‘trouble’ getting girls in my own country. But that’s besides the point, you shouldn’t think of interracial couples as the result of a guy who cant get a date back home.
*Im not talking about divorcing my wife and kids. I could never do that even if I wanted to. I guess Im just trying to put a value on the whole big crush syndrome and I think the replies that I got about that were more than adequate.

[Anonymous]

Wait a minute. Why do do I need to defend myself against your comment about being another gaijin who cant get a girl back home. When in the Sexless Marriage thread you just wrote that the best way to shag a chick is to get her p!ssed so she doenst no whats going on. Hmmm sounds like you've had a hard time with the ladies in any country you've been in.

[Anonymous]

Yes you do have defend yourself and I was referring to his wives ,it also does not hurt if other girls have had a few drinks either . I am glad you are getting a divorce ,as for the chick just ask her if a shag is out of the question

LOL

[Anonymous]

OK............ you've completely lost me. But hey man, Im sure what you were trying to say was funny thus the LOL.
LOL

[Anonymous]

You seem to be confusing love with lust, but that may be because you're young and dumb.

[Anonymous]

okay I`ll explain you telll the girl about the feelings and of course if she is not a slut ,she won`t ask you to leave and settle down in Ohio and raise her offspring , So then you ask her ( if the mutual attraction is there ,and if it is .Then you ask ``I suppose a shag would would be out of the ?? ``

It is quite normal to have feelings for old girlfriemnds and wonder what if ?　Ｂｕｔ　Ｉ‘ｌｌ　ｂｅｔ　ｉｔ　ｉｓｇｒａｓｓ� @ｉｓ　ｇｒｅｅｎｅｒ　ｓｙｎｄｒｏｍｅ　

後の祭り　for you my old pal ,as for the Canadian remark they usually marry the Japanese they see as most of the girls usually look like kodiak bears

[Anonymous]

No I dont think of this girl in a sexual way. In fact Id say that my own wife's body is more in tune with what I find sexually attractive. The thing I like about this girl is she is just cool. I like her style and her fashion sense is cool and she has a cool personality. My wifes fashion sense is kind of mainstream. Ive always liked this girl so theres nothing new there I was just surprised to find that I was still crazy about her after being married and stuff-I figured I would have outgrown stuff past crushes.

[Anonymous]

Hey Arri
I was mostly confused by your 'Im glad you getting divorced' comment. But I guess you meant to say 'Im glad you NOT getting divorced'.
But anyway I dont think a shag is really what I want nor is it going to solve the problem. Besides which she lives 5 hours away.

[Anonymous]

Ｙｅｓ　Ｉ　ｄｉｄ　ｉｎｄｅｅｄ　ｍｅａｎ　‘‘ｎ ｏｔ‘‘　

ＮＯ　ａｓｈａｇ　ｗｏｕｌｄ　ｎｅｃｅｅｓａｒｉｌ ｙ　ｓｏｌｖｅ　ｔｈｅ　ｐｒｏｂｌｅｍ　ｈｏｗｅｖ ｅｒ　ｉｔ　ｗｏｕｌｄ　ｂｅ　ｇｏｏｄ　ｆｏｒ　５ mins while you were doing it (thats if you are a stayer )


If she lives 5 hours away should be no worries out of sight
ps do you have her address

[Anonymous]

Yeah I stayed at her house with my wife last weekend.

[Anonymous]

WHen I asked if you had her address ,It seems as though that went over your head as well ,your posting fits to a tee ( not a golf one )

[Anonymous]

What?!!?! What I meant was I stayed at her house so of course I have her address. How hard id that to understand? Or did you want me to give it to you? (which was not what you asked).

By the way: why does sex need to take as long as 5 minutes. 2 minutes is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

I thjnk I spotted a sense of humour there ,mine seems to go over your head ,are you sure you are not Canadian

[Phil]

I searched the page and found not a single instance of "EH". Consequently i conclude said individual not canadian. (Test has a standard error of 100%)

[Anonymous]

No way Im telling my nationality. Not in a million kangaroo years mate.

[Anonymous]

This issue is pointless. this is a site dedicated to give advise to people with japan.
having such thread is ridiculous.
why do you even bother discussing some feeling of yours with complete strangers over the internet? don't get offended but if you're looking for some couseling, you're in the wrong place. or if you're waiting for someone to tell you that it is "OK" to feel this way...well, you have my ok! hope you feel better

[Anonymous]

Well actually fella, I got really good counselling in the first 2 replies with advice that I have taken seriously, so I am glad I posted here.
But no worries buddy, Im over it now anyway. I think it was just a mid mid life crisis. But Ill remember not to post here again in another 20 years when I have the next one.

However as far as posts go I dont think it is any less deserving than your average 'Wheres a good bar to pick a lay' or 'Im big so will I be able to get large condoms in Japan?' type stuff.

Anyway problem has gone! Im happy and stuff! THeres really is no point carrying on this thread.

[chotto dake]

Wow, Arri, where are you from? Why are you complaining about Canadians? I sense a hint of jealousy. Your English is so poor that it's barely intelligible and yet you go on and on in a condescending tone in a language you barely comprehend. It is obvious that you are missing out on some of the subtleties of the language. Obviously you aren't European or North American or Australian, so either you are just another flaming Japanese who has come on here to bash or you are some pathetic ex-pat (Probably from Asia or Southeast Asia, my guess is, not that there is anything wrong with that) who is looking for some kind of recognition by stepping on other people. As cool as you must feel, its blatantly obvious to the rest of us that you are struggling from a major inferiority complex. Please, if you are looking for attention don't seek it from putting others down.

F.A.K.
Why do you guys post instead of improving your English? It is very hard for native speakers to even understand what you guys say, just so you know. F.A.K. What you said was OFFENSIVE, you obviously just don't have the gray matter to understand. I don't see where immature young people like yourself get off JOINING into the conversation ONLY to COMPLAIN about it EXISTING. Your participation by itself validates this conversation. If you are willing to post, than obviously its an important topic. His query is related to Japan, as his spouse is Japanese and I assume the love interest is also Japanese. He wanted advice, and as such, it was dispensed. Anyways, I think you guys are real assholes to be honest. You are selfish, unjustly harsh and undeservingly condescending. I think Gaijinpot should add one final rule: NO FLAMING.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for refering to me as a young person.
you seem very frustrated?! maybe with yourself?? I assume you are young, definitly immature and offensive in what you write.
your english is good i give you that, perhaps it would be time to concentrate on learning another language and give credits to those who speak yours.
The NO FLAMING rule idea, won't happen until people like you learn how to not break the existing one (ie: poo mouth, no sledging individuals).
Hint for next time: focus less on puting down your best words and try harder to not refer to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Dear chotto dake , the armchair spycologist did I really complain about Canadians ? Anyways ,i don`t think I did Anyways , being a Canadian you would know all about inferiority, being next to America . I though that was the idea of these boards ,so we can have a laugh at other peoples misfortune , You are showing your true Canadian colours by rising to the bait and snapping away like an atlantic salmon .

p.s. I read your advice to young and dumb ,you sound gay as well .