View Full Version : whats wrong with coming in at 4am?
2003-06-14, 05:25 AM
I'm away from my fiance as I've come back to England for a while..
She has no problem with me being in the UK and doesn't think I'm off galavanting with other womern etc (which I'm not I might add). Things are fine with us spending time away from each other.. all well and good you might think..
The other day I stayed out with friends until 4am.. Nothing major, just having a laugh and chilling out etc
I told her on the phone and that was it..
"delayed wedding", "have to think about things"
Now.. No-ones waiting for me back at my place in the UK, nothing happened and no-one suffered any damage, pain or injury etc
Her line was thats I should still behave responsibly because it would set a bad example for any children in the future and I shouldn't do that kind of stuff.. So I have to be a good boy and go home, be in bed by the typical 11pm because she doesn't like me out late. I can understand the " I was worried" but not the "thats it! I'm not sure about this, I think we should wait and see" bit that followed
When this was explained I naturally said b*****ks
These children don't exist and we're not married yet but it seems that I still have to follow some mythical code of husbandhood, fatherhood or whatever.
Storm in a teacup perhaps but am I missing something?
2003-06-14, 06:52 AM
Yeah, you are missing something: You should have dumped her a long time ago.
2003-06-14, 06:53 AM
That's interesting, my Japanese girlfriend doesn't like it when I stay out late either, and when we go places to visit friends or whatever, she likes to leave around 11:30pm but for me I feel the night is still young! Sometimes we even fight a bit over it coz I'm used to staying out much later than 11:30pm! Maybe it's a Nihonjin thing... Not sure...
2003-06-14, 08:05 AM
I've had similar expriences when I was in Japan. When I was coming back from work (not partying or anything close to it) later than about 10 p.m., my gf and her mother were extremely pissed off. I think that simply did not trust me, and believed me to be going with other women etc. blah blah blah. Really hated it. No need to say that I am not with her anymore.
2003-06-14, 08:12 AM
Would just like to add that your fiancee's behaviour seems very odd to me, really indicating a lack of trust. And that certainly isn't good if you're going to get married!...
Then again, I don't know her, and I am sure that you know what you're doing.
Then, probably because of the distance, and the idea that she cannot check on you at anytime?
2003-06-14, 09:14 AM
well he is engaged, so, assuming some intimate long-term relations with her... maybe some misunderstand about expctations?
some prior historY?
I'M WITH YOU ON THIS J. T. dump her while you can.
later on, she'll take half of what's yours, and half of your half!
(lawyer gets part of it)
2003-06-14, 10:01 AM
Please, do yourself (and us) favor and dump her. Whats keeping you with her? Her good looks? The fact that she is Japanese?
Seriously man, imagine being married to her......this little 4am matter will seem like peanuts compared to the fits she throws about children, money etc. etc. Please......spare yourself and find a relationship based on trust than one based on the "coolness" of being international.
While this is a long story(the following is a very brief summary)......my friend was in the same position as you, and he chose to marry her. He is 22, she is 36. She was bitchy when they met, but for some odd reason he stuck with it because occasionally (rarely) she would tell him how much she loved him. She convinced him to drop out of school, cause she wanted to spend more time with him. The odd this is, they argue the majority of the time they are together. He dropped out of school......so fast forward to today. She is 8 months pregnant and she pretty much had a breakdown because the baby is a boy, not a girl. Apparantly she was in denial after finding out that the baby was a boy. As for him, he is pretty much depressed, and working at a convenience store. To top it off, last week she told him she will leave him if he doesn't make more money........please, don't take the same route as him!!
Tired listen to the voice of experience (every1 on this thread) and don't make a big mistake you will regret for a long long time. Your J-girl gf doesn't trust you being out. I have had the same thing thrown at me due to extreme paranoia on their part. Nothing you can say will change 20+ years of conditioning.
As for Jackie's friend's situation that is hardly surprising. A lot of J-females marry based on the numbers. I don't know what part if any love plays beyond the guy being a sperm bank and a money bank...
PS: Jackie at least in Japan your friend should be safe financially since the woman on divorce usually gets jack **** (though she keeps the kid). Might be the best thing for him if she gets out of his life and he can get together with someone his age not his mum's age...
2003-06-14, 04:16 PM
Two things, they are in the states now and she will have the baby in America, then go back to Japan. Finally, I wish they would give the baby up for adoption. Its the best option.......unfortunately, there isn't a chance in hell of it happening as they see it (having a baby) as a way to help the relationship.
Although he shares plenty of the "blame" (p*ssy whipped) for this whole mess, its almost scary how mythodical she was in luring him into dating, going out, and eventually marriage. The funny thing is.......she initially thought he was loaded, as he had a full scholarship to school that gave a hefty monthly stipend and worked on the side while studying in Japan, so his expendable income was quite high. Only when she came to America did she realize that he was a regular old "poor college student".....so she shocked for a while.....until her biological clock kicked in and he became the sperm donor. Oh....its just crazy......the weak man & the succubus
Oh, finally (part 2).......While living in Tokyo, one of my rules was to never date anyone I met in Roppongi. Of the people I know that have odd (or failing) relationships with Japanese women, they met in Roppongi......Gaspanic, Bar Isn't It? etc..........The people I know that are in succesful relationships met through friends, at events etc. In my opinion.....its a good rule to have.
2003-06-14, 05:14 PM
Most J women I have met are extremely unstable. (can't keep a job, extremely dependant on family or friends, can't make even a simple decison) They are looking for someone only to take care of them financially. In the beginning they put out all the time and then after the wedding they don't anymore. They know that men think below their waist and that is the best way to get them. They have no idea about a true relationship. They are only taught how to be cute and genki. They don't play with barbie dolls they play with real babies they make with the "sperm donor". Once the children come they become number one and they spoil and pamper them all the time. Hence, the man "sperm donor" finally realizes how lonely he truly he is and seeks other companionship.
The man in the long run has very few choices left; stay and be used like a human wallet, leave penniless (as she controls all the money), or cheat with anything he can get his hands on.
Well any guy that gives his woman control over his money is a fool. Separate bank accounts are mandatory...as are hidden assets.
2003-06-14, 06:09 PM
The general consensus is to leave her... hard call over something that seems so trivial? But I hear what you guys are saying..
My mum was so looking forward to the wedding as well ;-)
I think you're right in that it boils down to trust .. but then she has no cause not to? I could maybe understand it if she was your typical J-girl but shes not.. Living at home forever, not working, etc She's lived in Aus, UK, has a career etc so it's not as if she's wet behind the ears...
I think I'll let it stew for a while... "you call me when you're ready" type thing..
What do you reckon, dumping her just seems like an equal over reaction...
What does "b*****ks" mean?
sorry.. but I just didn't read that one.
too long for "breaks"
too short for "boondocks" or "broomsticks"
"buttocks" fits, but doesn't make any sense - as is the case with "bythorks"
Oh, and seperate bank accounts won't help you much if there's a divorce. Unless she doesn't know about it and doesn't find out. Having the money in someone ELSE's name works. Like get a guy buddy and make an account for each other! Wives of either guy cannot touch it (legally, anyway.)
Then again, you'd have to be making enough money to warrant hiding it, eh??
2003-06-14, 07:15 PM
('haven't seen any responses from the females - foreign and/or Japanese..)
Any opinions/suggestions to our friend "tired"? I'm quite sure he and the rest of us who have seen this thread would like to hear from your side.. but please, keep it SHORT and SIMPLE..
2003-06-14, 09:15 PM
Well I do not believe that you should "dump" her solely on the account of this event, of course not. I just meant that it indicates that, possibly, there is a lack of trust from her part.
I do not know how often you two are apart from each other in the way you're in now (different countries), but I found it common that my gf used to go paranoid when I went out etc. And I suppose that I sometimes was worried myself when she was going out. Because you always think that she might meet someone better etc..
So I just think that her reaction, the fact that she was upset, is not abnormal, considering that you are away from her. Now, to set the wedding aside is very extreme. Maybe she it's just her way to "threaten" you... and maybe she does not mean it at all.
2003-06-14, 10:03 PM
it's an English phrase.. "bollocks"
bollocks. thank you.
what does it mean in American English? Buttocks?
! ....HEY!! THAT FITS!!!!
2003-06-14, 10:34 PM
"They come in pairs and bounce," was what the boys at school used to politely say.
2003-06-14, 10:46 PM
To our tired cyber patient. I understand given your isolation from you fiancee that you might reach a bit, seeking the advice of folks like us. As pathetic as some of the **** you read here is, at least we're familiar with the Japanese, unlike most of your friends and family back in the UK I'd guess. But it's a touch scary to think you would base a decision on what any of our jaded brethren may say. Can't hurt to ask, but be strong and come to your own conclusions. To you and the rest of the posters, you're saying this fiancee's reaction is unique to Japan? Aren't there any psycho-chicks across your respective oceans? Come now, of course there are. Maybe she's overreacting/paranoid because she sees what most foreign blokes are like in Japan. Imagine this, Japanese that measure an entire race or nation of men based on their experiences with a mere handful. Does this sound at all familiar..... Or perhaps she's like this because she really loves you. In my country if my girlfriend was out drinking until 4a.m. I might give pause--alcohol does impair judgment, no matter your honor at the evening's onset. This is only compounded by the long-distance factor. That type of jealousy is a bit worrying, and obviously you'd have an easier time of talking this out face to face. But it also might reflect how much she cares about you. The guys above, so many armchair therapists, are advising you to break it off. Guys that have never met you or your fiancee, but are judging your situation based on their own experiences, unique, individual experiences. Like the guy's "friend," yeah right, who was 22 and married a 36 year-old?! Like that makes sense in a non-Xmas cake nation? Was he a virgin before he met her? Do you usually base life-altering decisions on what message boards tell you to do?
But I do agree with the guy that posted about Roppongi. But, again, doesn't the same hold true in your home countries? Didn't mama always say you're not going to meet your wife in a bar. Why would it be different in Japan, especially in meat market type bars, even more
warped in Japan--bars where the two parties are seeking race-specific partners. Slutty foreign guys and easy Japanese girls. Like meeting your wife at a swingers' party. Starting out looking for pole or snatch rarely leads to love and successful marriage. In the back of your mind that creates an inherent and lasting distrust. Get real.
2003-06-15, 02:15 AM
Well, I've only been here 7 weeks...but...
No baby talk, just yet.
And man if things are 'postable' like this, put it all on hold til you're back, sort it out or shelve it. Simple as that. Know your mind and your outcome as you get off the plane, and the best thing, the only thing, that could happen will happen.
Hate commercialism? Me too, but Nike said 'Just do it' , and you can't argue with that!
Trust yourself. That'll be enough for her, or the situation, maybe both.
2003-06-15, 10:02 PM
you can rest assured though that any life changing decisions would be made on more than the appreciated but errrr.... 'drastic' opinions from you guys and girls. Unless of course anyone has a track record with the lottery numbers, then I might take a chance..
However, never one to refrain from self analysis then its always worth getting a second (third, fourth...) opinion eh
Like I said, storm in a tea-cup and 99.9% of the time she's as good as gold... Better in fact..
Just occasionally I do someting 'wrong' and call me stupid, call me insensitive but I can't for the life of me see what the big deal is... "Don't sweat the small stuff" as someone once wrote in a book.. But then she does..
So... on we go.... mind you I did like the idea of seperate bank accounts, hidden trusts etc.. Now where did I put that number for the Cayman Islands Investment Co... ;-)
2003-06-16, 12:38 AM
"Like meeting your wife at a swingers' party" -But swingers are perfectly happy to share, aren't they! (^^)
Ya, good luck to you. I think she overreacted, but we all do it on occasion...my guess is, she'll call you back in a few days and apologize. Emotional reaction without having thought it over is pretty much the woman's way. (^^)
2003-06-18, 12:39 PM
In Japan or rather the Super-Metropolis of Tokyo Self-Discipline is an important value.
...an important value that is completely ignored by gaijin males :)
2003-06-19, 03:07 AM
I heed it.
I stay home and post till 4am ;D
2003-06-20, 03:04 AM
I think self discipline is fine.... in moderation
I can be as disciplined as the next guy as long as the choices made are your own and not someone else's limitations..
in my book theres a difference between self discipline and self denial?
or does that mean I'm selfish?? probably...
2004-05-31, 06:50 PM
Has it occurred to anyone that she was cheating on him at the time, and her anger was merely a projection of her own guilt, transferred as suspicion?
nothing unless she paranoid..... the last trains at about 12 though..... seriously, she really likes you... think about it ..... its a little ott to get so controly... she is thinking ahead and wants a future with you... youre lucky.
2004-06-01, 10:47 AM
in that case will someone please remind me never to get lucky...
2004-06-01, 12:27 PM
GG, It makes sense that your gf wants to leave by 11:30pm.
Remember that in Japan, train service usually stops around 12:30pm
and doesn't resume till around 5am or 5:30am.
So staying after 11:30pm typically means staying up for the rest of the night(unless you go to a hotel or catch a taxi(which is really expensive)).
Maybe she's assuming that every other country is like Japan(in terms of subway service) and assumes that staying up till 4am might mean you're sleeping at a hotel(with another chick) or take a taxi home(with another chick).
2004-06-01, 01:40 PM
Good luck and at least try to talk things out with her before you make any rash decisions...
2004-06-05, 04:54 AM
> Storm in a teacup perhaps but am I missing something?
Yeah that she wants to control you... It's the japanese mindset... They can't help it... Look at bonsai as an example... All about control.