View Full Version : Are they just using me?
2003-08-19, 01:55 PM
how would you know if your gfriend/bfriend is just using you to improve their english?
2003-08-19, 04:32 PM
Simple...ask them to teach you Japanese when you are together and see if the relationship grows.
2003-08-19, 06:07 PM
my current boyfriend (Japanese) says he has no patience to teach, he does not have that type of personality.
i have had full conversations with some Japanese girls in my workplace which consist of them speaking to me in English and me replying in Japanese.
but to be honest i am worried that I may be wasting my time with this guy.
2003-08-19, 06:58 PM
I got the impression from a friend of mine that most j'girls just date americans for free english lessons....
But this friend can be a real turd at times, so i did not listen to him. Anyways I have no experience in this subject but i still felt like posting an opinon.... of my friend's... that is a turd.... yeah...
2003-08-19, 07:13 PM
i am wondering does anyone have a method/trick/test whatever you want to call it.
im sure lots of gaijin here have one time or another wondered about this....
2003-08-19, 08:52 PM
maybe its a stupid idea but why dont you try to make one date a week when you only speak japanese - lets say every thursday and only that day.if he will find a lot excuses to break that date then you know.
2003-08-19, 09:02 PM
Thank you, i think its a good idea.
2003-08-19, 09:29 PM
I have a japanese girlfriend and we always speak in japanese together sometimes she asks how to say things in english and the other japanese girls i have been with have been the same so i have no experience in this.
i agree with hotaru but you could just start speaking japanese all the time instead of just 1 day a week
2003-08-19, 11:13 PM
Hi Sophie, Hotaru,s idea is good and very effective. I have a policy at the company that I work with that demands that Japanese staff must converse with each other in english
at designated times in the day, of course being a company policy, it has teeth so it
You might have to tell this guy you have needs too, and not those kind.
Tell him that you need a mutually lingual symbiosis. Remind him that you are
here in Japan to broaden your capabilities not just him. If he gets the pip
then ask him to try your scenario on for size, If he cant work it out that the
best you can is 50/50 well then thats a personality trait, and probably what you
didnt want to hear.
I know that some guys are overly proactive in taking the lead in conversation in
the language of their choice, My wife said I was guilty of it too for a while.
But my level of Japanese proficiency reflects how I somewhat over road her
intentions to learn english. I just forgot that she to was trying to learn, I just
needed to be reminded.
If your Jguy cant understand that then ditch him because his is pretty selfish.
Regards The Raceace
2003-08-20, 02:22 AM
Good question Sophie, but if you have to ask, then you probably already know the answer. Try and speak Japanese and if he puts on a sour expression tell him where to go. It's fair to expect to use/learn some japanese with you're with him. You might be able to put up with that free eikawa stuff at your work or at a bar but you don't need that shite when you're with your boyfriend.
I speak mostly English with my wife cause she's much better than I am in japanese, but if I thought she was looking for a free eikawa ride, I wouldn't have even dated her. Few things ____ me off more than that does. Who wants to feel like they're in a classroom when they're in bed????
Bluedog: "Who wants to feel like they're in a classroom when they're in bed?"
I don't know, but just imagine if you could feel like you're in bed when you're in the classroom!
2003-08-21, 06:30 PM
Sophie, I agree that Hotaru's idea of fixing "Nihongo Time" and sticking to it is a good one. Your guy can't possibly object to that, because you're not asking him to be your sensei, you're just asking him to speak in Japanese with you. Of course that will involve him in explaining a few words to you, but that responsibility goes along with dating someone who speaks a different native language! It's part of the package! If he's not ready to accept it, then he's not ready to be in an interlingual relationship.
2003-08-21, 11:15 PM
髪辞書 = ?
2003-08-22, 08:17 AM
Thanks for raising these issues guys! I totally think my retard of an ex was just using me for English (among other things, hee hee). He was sugoi wagamama!. You just have to sort the Sh*t from the clay, coz there's this other J-guy that I met who was really quiet and shy who hardly said anything and if he did it was in Japanese, but he surprised me by writing me e-mails that resembled "war and peace" in English, I was very impressed. I think i'll be "Asobi-ing" with him when I get back! :).
Like any relationship you both have to make compromises to make it work and if s/he's not willing to help you with your Nihongo and you help his/her Eigo then they're not worth it.
2003-08-22, 08:44 AM
I just refuse to speak English and I soon find out how sincere they are.Give it a try.
2003-08-24, 02:30 PM
I wouldn't get too carried away with "english time/japanese time" - sounds less like a date where you're supposed to be enjoying each other's company and more like a language exchange which seems to be what you're trying to avoid in the first place.
My advice would be to follow your gut feeling with respect to the relationship. When you are together do you feel any kind of genuine spark? I think we can all get a sense of whether or not something is going to work out in dating situations. Don't think of him as being Japanese - think of him as just a guy you're dating. If he is just using you to learn english it will come through sooner rather than later - just like someone in any relationship who's just using you for sex, money, a rebound relationship or anything else.
2003-08-24, 07:15 PM
yeah, Barker is wise.
I was just thinking...
so what if they are using you!
The real barometer should be whether or not you enjoy being used or not. ie: is it fun being together?
another point: There is probably a problem in that you feel as if you are getting used already.
is it un-equitable??
I love getting used!
It's the abuse that upsets me....
2003-08-26, 08:29 AM
Well now,abuse is a different thing altogether.
Kick him in the nuts!
2003-08-26, 04:47 PM
It might have been the time that the girl I was dating brought along a notebook to record grammar questions she asked me or the one that called her friend to tell her that she was speaking english with a foreigner. Or the Swiss girl learning english in New Zealand who spoke to me all the time in English even though I speak close to fluent German.
Therefore in my experience there are some girls you can speak to in their language but they keep on replying in english so you end up using english.
Then there are the girls that speak to you all the time in their language even though they have good english skills.
"I used to be blind but now I can see" - Of those two groups which do you think I had the most successful relationships with? Which had the most integrity?
Guys, out on a date and you think that you've got an 'English student' - just tell them you hate teaching english, hate teaching english after work, or used to hate teaching english firmly at the start of the date. They'll get the hint!
I am very tolerant of pretty women who use me for sex...
2003-08-27, 10:27 AM
It cut's both ways! how many ppl have "married" their j-partner just for the spouse visa!. Now, that's pretty dodgy. It goes to show how superficial a lot of these 'relationships" are. As for the sex bit, I too can tolerate being used for sex, as long as it's good sex, not crappy boring sex coz theres nothing worse than that....and thats all i'm saying!. Reminds me of that part in the movie "Amelie" ....has anyone seen that? I went and saw it with my (other) EX-bOYFRIEND when we were still going out and I couldn't stop laughing and he actually put his hand over my mouth to get me to stop, because he was afraid that people would think that's what our sex life was like!.
2003-09-17, 03:16 AM
for men: look at yourself...did you have a hard time getting dates back home? are you suddenly inundated with dates and hookups now? look at the women you are dating - are the too gorgeous for you?
truthfully if a person dates someone significantly better looking than themselves, i tend to wonder what the interested party watns. there is a loser guy at my school who is dating a big bombshell. she is a bombshell alright but no doubt she is a sly foxy mama who wants to improve her english and get free one on oners.
for women...if you have the gut feeling that he is using you, the chances are great that he is. see what kinds of things you talk about...if he seldom goes into deeper conversation and reveals little about himself, perhaps he is in for the english lesson aspect. it is a tough call since ordinarly j-men are milder and meeker than the typical gaikokojin.
in any case, for all those out there. good luck and dont get suckered into being the next victim of someone who just wants to pump up their TOEIC score. i have been had and it is not a pretty scene. at least if you are being used, make sure you are getting something outta it - like a good time, free meal, tour around tokyo etc...make it worth your while. even if you are being used, if you are okay with it and can deal with that...then sounds like you'll be livin the vida loca.
best of luck to all.
2003-09-17, 05:01 AM
lost in japan wrote:
> at least if you are being used, make sure you
> are getting something outta it - like a good time, free meal,
> tour around tokyo etc...make it worth your while. even if you
> are being used, if you are okay with it and can deal with
> that...then sounds like you'll be livin the vida loca.
We should ALWAYS be getting something out of our endeavors in life. If something is not working, then it needs to be discarded.
2003-09-25, 02:50 PM
I`d not mind so much if it`s really a bombshell that tries to use me just to learn english for free. (As it is, I am chinese, so they won`t come after me in the first place ;) ). It`s hard being a chinese whose first language is english though... (an overseas born chinese) The japanese looks at you and think you`re no gaijin, other gaijin looks at you and thinks you`re japanese, while the chinese from china looks at you and thinks you`re not chinese!
btw, my first post :)
J-roommate studying for TOEIC. Usually we speak mix of E/J. J-R has better E than I do J. J-R has appts once/wk w another J-friend and E-friend who has promised to teach (unpaid, I think).
E-friend lately unreliable.
Suddenly J-R says they told J-friend that I could be their new teacher, and expects me to follow through, says it is "only" once/week. Out of line? How do I politely refuse?
(To be fair, J-R does help me with J from time-to-time, but not more often than I reciprocate. Usually though, there is more E spoken than J, b/c I have weak vocab/grammar.)
2003-09-25, 11:16 PM
Your getting used... but not abused.
2003-09-26, 04:14 PM
to X :
That`s pretty excellent I`d say.
Set a rate and see if they would still go for it. If they do, you`re on your way to get some extra spending cash. (Unless you truly can`t afford the time, when you can always say that you need more Japanese practice, and that you can`t improve as fast if you`re using english a lot)
A little Japanese can go a long way. I have a little suggestion that you might use to help with your grammar/vocab. Whenever you learn a new 文法 for example、use it to construct a sentence, and have your roomate check it. I`d say every little bit helps.
Post Edited (10-02-03 15:03)
If you have to ask... you probably are. And if you have to ask about his or her intentions, what on earth are you doing in an intimate relationship with him / her in the first place? Putting the cart before the horse don't you think?
2003-10-06, 05:49 PM
You are right it would be foolish for anyone to put the cart before the horse. But I never did say that we were in an intimate relationship.
The most important word in your first mail, sophie, is JUST. If they are just using you for English I think it should be pretty easy to tell. But if there is something good between you yet at times you feel that the language is a problem, then you should work on that problem. I'm kind of in the opposite situation. I'm a gaijin girl dating a Jguy and we speak almost entirely in Japanese all the time. He wants to improve his English and since I want him to go home with me in a couple years, I want him to, too. But although we talk about him improving, in practice I rarely 'teach' him at all. Part of it may be that I'm tired of teaching English during the day and don't want to teach him at night. Part of it may be that I'm a bit selfish and want to practice my Japanese. But whatever my reasons are it doesn't mean that I don't love him. If you care about this guy enough, think about his reasons carefully. But if he has a bigger circle around the Eiken date on his calendar than Christmas or your birthday, well...
JLJ, I think it's hard to teach your friends, boyfriends, or family members. I've had students who became my friends later, but I don't like to do it the other way around: friends becoming students. There's just not the right "teacher-student" relationship to begin with. If you're serious about your boyfriend learning English, it might be better if he learns from someone else. I've also found that I tend to speak to people in Japanese if my Japanese is better than their English, and vice versa if their English is more fluent than my Japanese. He may be embarassed to speak English with you since you speak Japanese well, so he really may need to start practicing with someone else to build up confidence. When I first moved to Japan, I couldn't speak Japanese at all, so all my friendships were in English. Now, about 90% of those are in Japanese, as my Japanese has gotten better than most of my friends' English (still wish it were better though!)
2004-02-13, 10:05 AM
If you're getting sex out of the deal, who cares.