Married co-worker J-guy: do I have a chance? [Archive]

Anonymous

2003-09-14, 06:14 PM

I have animal lust for one of my co-workers, who is Japanese and happens to be married. He is 30 years old, and has been married for 3 1/2 years. I am new to this area. What I want to know is if I'm reading his signals right or not. I am not looking for anything beyond a hook up. I know this sort of thing in the workplace is not advisable, but at the moment I am just trying to sort out if it is possible he could be interested.

So I sense that he is eager to at least be with and talk with me. During the day we find ways to be near each other. Whether this is because I am a new gaijin I don't know. But we have exchanged (at his suggestion) keitai numbers, with the plan that I would go watch him play hockey some day. We have emailed each other twice (at my initiative) with pleasantries.

Given that I know his is married (and he knows I know) could this be anything more than just friendliness? I have not had such a violent crush on anyone since maybe I was an adolescent. Thanks, enlightened readers and responders!

Anonymous

2003-09-14, 06:20 PM

he just wants the gaijin manko.
if you want his ______, it should be no problem.
just make it known to him, and in the process you can probably get him to pay for things for you.
just remember if his wife finds out, she might hunt you down.

Anonymous

2003-09-14, 06:57 PM

Ahaa. He wants to show off his hockey stick prowess.

If the role was reversed, with a gaijin male lusting after a married Japanese woman, well the advice from most girls would be "go spank your monkey, hornyboy."

Wait and see if your "animal lust" for him wears off. Or go have a wank.

Shan

2003-09-14, 06:58 PM

If you really like him, and think your feelings are beyond just wanting to get busy, I would stay away from him. After all, if you fall in love with him, there is a 99.9999999% chance he'll stay with his wife, and you'll just end up being hurt. I also don't agree with having affairs with married people, but that is a personal moral choice...just be careful of your own feelings! A British friend of mine actually had her married Japanese lover's wife call her and ask her not to break up with her husband (she did so when she found out she was married) because the wife was so busy with her child she had no time for her husband.

Glenski

2003-09-14, 07:20 PM

Many Japanese married men have girlfriends. In Japanese eyes, that is often all right, even if the wife knows about it. Some think wives are for procreation, girlfriends are for recreation.

Personally, this westerner says hands off, but you do what you like. Fire burns within and without.

Phil

2003-09-14, 07:26 PM

Dear Sigh as an alternative you could advertise for c**k in Metropolis. If you let guys no that there are no strings and you just wanna cum you will probably get plenty of takers.

Or as Bongo suggests, Rosie Palmer and her 5 sons could help :)

Anonymous

2003-09-14, 08:10 PM

Aaaaahh... manko!

You know, I didn't know this particular slang until just recently... Funny... I always thought they were mispronouncing *mango* I couldn't figure out why they kept saying things like: "Is the mango juicy?" "Do you like my mango?" Imagine my confusion when a girl told me "Touch my mango." when she was naked and obviously holding nothing that resembled a fruit of *any* kind!!!

westsan

2003-09-15, 12:01 AM

Have dinner with him 1 on 1 and talk about work.
If he makes a move that eve then you know he is interested.
But you shouldnt make a move toward him.

NIMROD

2003-09-15, 12:01 AM

Once again Glenski shows his complete misunderstanding of how Japanese society works

(sad( really sad.

What do you want from this guy ?If it's just lust go for it.

If it's love forget about it.

gerbilcat

2003-09-15, 02:49 AM

I have a Japanese friend who has a Japanese friend.

So, my friend's friend fell in love with a handsome doctor and they married and got one of those not-quite-house apartments you own.

Two years later she finds out her husband is having an affair. He's actually been having this affair since before they were married, and brought the girl home sometimes when his wife was out.

When she confronted him about it, he pointed out that "You're my wife, she's just the girlfriend." And you know what? This did not comfort her. She kicked him out and they're working on the divorce, because she paid for half of that "mansion" they share and decorated most of it. She loved the man, and that's why she married him. But HE didn't know that, because most of his friends' are convinced their wives married for the status of being a doctor's wife.

Bluedog

2003-09-15, 11:34 AM

E.W. your mango story is hilarious. Not sure whether I believe you (is the mango juicy???) but funny nonetheless.

westsan

2003-09-15, 02:05 PM

I just read EW's post. HILARIOUS!!
I think I'm gonna call it mango from now on. :D

gerbilcat>>

You think it sounds brutal?
I think it is the natural consequence for not stimulating him intellectually!

Anonymous

2003-09-15, 04:19 PM

I like the mango story too. That's good.

Shan

2003-09-15, 08:59 PM

Westsan,
Do you really think men who cheat on their wives are looking for INTELLECTUAL stimulation? Or is this just another one of your "trying to get a rise out of people" posts? I could say some things about this not being the country to search for women to intellectually stimulate you...but I won't. :-)

Anonymous

2003-09-15, 09:25 PM

Thanks for the kudos all. It *was* a joke, but the part about not knowing the slang "manko" until recently was real. Go figure!

Mango - the *real* forbidden fruit!!

Westsan, intellectual stimulation, eh? Okay, I'll bite....

gerbilcat

2003-09-15, 10:29 PM

I was trying to figure out exactly what Westsan was responding to.

westsan

2003-09-16, 12:25 AM

It was in reference to gerbilcats story about the double timing doctor. I feel that the reason that he was able to "warikitte irareru" was because his wife did not provide the correct stimulation (assuming sexual stimulation is intellectual).

And yes I do believe it.

-- I am thinking about going out to buy a mango right now at Seifu!

gerbilcat

2003-09-16, 07:17 AM

westsan, dear,

*patpatpat* You poor little thing.

mark

2003-09-16, 10:26 AM

Dear Sigh,

I say, if it feels good, do it!! As you say, you are just looking for a hook-up, and (most likely) so is he.

You probably won't live in Japan forever anyway, and once you leave, it will be too late to try anything...if you do it, you just might enjoy it, and you probably won't have any regrets.

The bottom line is that you should make your own decision, fully realizing that, should things not work out, it may have some negative effect on your office situation.

That said, go for it!!

Tokyoite

2003-09-16, 04:56 PM

I feel it my duty to point out what no one else has alluded to:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

Ijou desu.

Anonymous

2003-09-16, 05:05 PM

Why do you have to point that out? This is Japan, not the vatican.

Shan

2003-09-16, 07:09 PM

It's not the Vatican, but I don't understand these people who think just because they're not in their own country they can do something they wouldn't do at home. That being said, one thing I always try to remember, and why I would never knowingly get involved with another woman's husband, is that if you do it, there's not saying that it can't be done to you. So Mark, daemon, etc., think about if you were married someday; would you like your wife to do what you're encouraging sigh to do? In that case, what's the point of marriage? I think what goes around comes around, and that's not even a moral or religious argument.

Westsan, are you saying that men are intellectually stimulated by sex? You have to explain yourself better; I don't think most of us follow your line of thinking. :-)

Anonymous

2003-09-16, 08:37 PM

Oh, DUH!! NOW I know what Westsan meant! Men ARE intellectually stimulated by sex!! (I was thinking with the wrong head...)

C'mon girls, you didn't know we men think with our weenies 24/7???

You've never heard the term, "____-head"???

How about "put my 'thinking cap' on" <--- ever consider exactly *what kind* of cap that was refering to??

When you women think, you scratch your head, no? Where do men do most of their scratching???

So if you scratch yourself, I mean, if you think about it, sex really DOES stimulate men intellectually.

Anonymous

2003-09-17, 03:33 AM

1. he is MARRIED. if you want to go for something you cannot have, be my guest. even if he decides to have a fling with you, he will never leave his primary (wife) because that is just not done here. not just JAPAN - anywhere for a gal to get involved with a married man is just not so savvy. sometimes girls are masochistic and like the pain of lusting and pining for that which they cannot have, but in my humble opinion, this just leads to unnecessary self^destruction, pain, etc etc....

2. if it ever gets out in the office, plan on a really clever escape option. the other female coworkers could get potentially catty (believe it or not, japanese women can be tigers in teh workplace) and try to edge you out of social events or even give you teh cold shoulder. it is ostracism in a fuzzy peachy form

3. If you decided to dump him after the rendevous...be prepared for consequences. He could be the malicious immature type who spreads rumors around about you. OR, he could mention some things to your superior about you...you never know. Maybe you are seeing a pattern...why it is not good to date co^workers (in Japan or elsewhere!)

4. If you ever break up, even if it happened ever so amicably...it could and most likely will be awkward for a few weeks thereafter. maybe even longer...sometimes japanese men pull back after being even pricked by a mosquitos stinger.

5. there are plenty of other fish in the sea. why not take a whirl and see what bigger and better and less complicated fish you can reel in?

in any case, ultimately the choice is up to you. best of luck in whatever you choose. if you are a danger lust lovin gal, go for the man. if you are sensitive and get easily emotionally attached, proceed with a great deal of caution!

Anonymous

2003-09-17, 10:45 AM

I wasn't encouraging - I was pointing out that you were spouting a religious message. Not a moral one, not a intellectual one, simply a religous one. There are many, many countries that don't follow Catholism or other Christian religions, but you already seem to view the world as Japan/Christian, and assumed that Sigh must be Christian.

I feel that Sigh should do whatever Sigh actually feels is morally right, but morals come from within, not from outside.

Tokyoite

2003-09-19, 03:41 PM

To daemon:

Morals come from within. Good point. That is why the most basic morals are universal -- because we're all human. Leaving religion aside, there are certain moral strictures common to all cultures and all eras. One of these is the prohibition on adultery. I challenge you to cite even ONE example of a culture where adultery is approved of, or even viewed neutrally. I phrased my point in the words of the Bible because this is the culture I come from, but it could be said in any language including Japanese. For all the nonsense spouted in these forums about how prevalent adultery is in Japanese society, no one has said that the Japanese actually APPROVE of adultery or even view it neutrally. In fact, it goes without saying that they view it as a bad thing -- an inevitable sorrow at best. Just look at the Japanese word 不倫。　不、not; 倫、a human relationship that is properly constructed (キチンと整理された関係）。Its prevalence here (if this IS the case) should be taken, I think, as a sign of something wrong here rather than as a basic characteristic of Japanese culture. (Same goes of course for divorce rate in Europe and USA.) Happy people do not divorce. Happy people do not have affairs with men and women they are not married to.

mark

2003-09-20, 03:21 PM

I lived in Mexico for a year before I came to Japan, and let me tell ya...adultery is practically an INSTITUTION there (for married men who cheat, anyway...). It's also the same in many Mediterranean and European countries, yet you don't see their societies careening off the rails, do you?

I never said Sigh SHOULD cheat, but assuming she is an adult, she doesn't need us to condemn her or offer her religious directives (Yeah, the Catholic Church...now THERE is a reliable defender of sexual morality and ethical behavior...HAHAHA!!!)

That said, damn the torpedoes, Sigh....decide for yourself. You will have to live with the consequences either way.

westsan

2003-09-21, 12:43 PM

Hey Mark>>

More about Mexican Adultery!!

Dr.Drew

2003-09-30, 10:56 AM

All I can say is that, it's Heaven for the Man and Hell for the woman...not that I have any personal experience with Mexican adultery, mind you!!

STM

2003-09-30, 10:45 PM

I have to concur with the 'moral minority' on this one. Morals are indeed universal - not subjective. The only subjective (ie; personal) aspect to morality is the inevitable struggles we go through as we (if we are people of integrity).. try to match our decisions in life with the greater good.

Much as we would like to believe otherwise, our lives (and our bodies for that matter) are NOT 'our own' to do with as we please. Everything we do has repercussions that affect others in some way.. materially, emotionally, 'spiritually' even... And almost without exception, when we indulge ourselves WITHOUT responsibility (the difference between license and freedom by the way)... then SOMEBODY pays the price for our selfishness and (social) immorality. Adultery is at the root of most familial problems and disturbed childhoods.... and let's not forget; is also the source material for the Jerry Springer Show - surely cause enough in itself to criminalize the act???

We westerners are already bringing enough disruption to these (generally) good and gentle people and their way of life. Rather than applauding and encouraging our would-be adulteress, and making sport of a potentially tragic scenario (where wife and children could be the unwitting victims), - perhaps we would be better employed learning something about a culture that despite its faults, has so much to teach us about family and social values.

Joe90

2003-10-09, 10:59 AM

I'd love to know what "family and social values" STM thinks can be learned from Japan. Society seems to function as some kind of mid 19th Century hierarchical nonsense. As for "family values" which sounds horribly conservative, pipe and slippers etc; what type of family are you talking about? Oh, let me guess - 2.4 kids etc. I know that the divorce stats for Europe and the US are pretty grim and I agree with the Jerry Springer thing! However, I don't believe Japan has anything to teach the west about families. Japanese families may appear to be close and ordered and all nicey-nicey, but there's a lot of "put-up or shut-up" with having three generations living in the same house. The kids have all that pressure to get into various schools and uni's etc as well, all heaped upon them by their "society". It's nonsense to say that Japan's socity and family set up is any better than another's, in fact it may be just the opposite

daemon

2003-10-09, 01:57 PM

Morals are universal?

If Morals are universal, than people here support a Father killing his Daughter because she had sex without getting married? According to some religions, that is *very* moral. Do you consider this universal?

The answer, of course, is that it's not universal. Think outside your circles just a bit, look around, read on other countries, and it become hideously obvious that "morals" are not universal. Much of them are created by the society we were raised in, not because there is some universal provider of truth. Even the supposed same religions (christianity) has many different branches with their own definitions of what is moral. I'm not stating a support of any specific morality, my statement is simpler: Don't force your so-called "morals" upon other people. This thread was not a plea for moral guidance, and it should have remained that way.

sugarfree

2003-10-09, 06:14 PM

Don't do it Sigh!

Respect yourself and get with a REAL guy. There are plenty of them out there, don't waste time sleeping with someone else's man!

Just think, if women looked out for each other and stopped banging other women's husbands/ boyfriends etc then there would be no such thing as cheats. The rest of womankind would appreciate never having to worry about their man cheating on them. One day it could be YOUR man out there being tempted by someone else. How would you feel?

Another thing is that Japanese guys are the BIGGEST flirts sometimes but it never goes anywhere. Don't be fooled.

markosonlines

2003-10-09, 10:56 PM

Sigh

Like Bongo the Whippet rides again said at the start of this thread

"Wait and see if your "animal lust" for him wears off. Or go have a wank."

Or just bonk someone else who's not married and not working with you. You won't know how stupid you are going after someone in this situation until, well, you realise how stupid you were. Get a life

jguylover

2003-10-10, 12:45 AM

If she just wants a f*ck, then there are lots of places she can get it besides a co-worker. Too troublesome! Men are easy, you know, and there are tons of good looking single easy men she could play without risking trouble.

If she wants love, then a married guy isn't the way to go.

I don't get what all the fuss is about.

2003-11-20, 01:06 PM

Hey Tokyoite,

Ever watched national geographic? There are more than a couple of tribes in Africa (no one dare label that as civilized/uncivilized world in front of me, I won't have it) that practise polygamy, and not just polygamy, but adultery, although I'm sure its not the same word with all it's eeeeeeeeeeeeevilllll connotations. Why? Because it betters chances for healthier kids not inflicted by diseases that lie dormant within the same gene-pool and might get active with in-breeding. That there, is the rule of nature. So the whole shindig about "moral" strictures (which everyone will agree with me is an increasingly subjective thing) being common is BS.
And if you do want to say, ok, you're talking about Africa here....I mean...Africa, for crying out loud, then I have this to say to you:
It isn't the "uncivilized world" Vs Christianity, like it is, in your world.

And STM,
If our bodies are not our own, then whose are they? God's? Hey well I'd like to fight for it back, thankyou! Religion doesn't tell you that what you do has repercussions not just on yourself, but also to those around you, COMMON SENSE does. As you grow older, and thereby also somewhat wiser and more intuitive and experienced, you also become more attuned to the more far-reaching consequesces of what you are doing, or decide to do. (sigh) and her J-hunk are adults. They have the capacity and capability of looking at the consequences of their decisions, whatever those be. That choice should be left entirely up to them IMH-and fervent-O.

Tokyoite

2003-11-20, 04:12 PM

KT,

a) if there was no "civilized world" there would be no National Geographic. Whether a world free from the distinction that I prefer to describe as "developed/undeveloped," in other words a world where no country had the power to observe, evaluate, and interfere with other countries, would be a BETTER world, is up for debate, but this debate must be purely theoretical, as for better or worse we have to live with this distinction. Plase note, however, that it is a geographic and not a MORAL distinction. There are plenty of happy adulterers busily spreading their genes around Europe, and there are plenty of deeply pious Christians and Muslims in sub-Saharan Africa.

b) adultery is defined as sleeping with someone who is not your wedded spouse in a context of monogamous matrimony. Where there is no monogamy there can be no adultery. You are referring to fornication.

c) you are free to assert that your body is your own, but to me the concept of "a thing that is my own" implies "a thing that I have the right to hang onto." Please enlighten me as to how you plan to hang onto your body past the age of 85 or so.

autloc

2003-11-20, 05:38 PM

’c) you are free to assert that your body is your own, but to me the concept of "a thing that is my own" implies "a thing that I have the right to hang onto." Please enlighten me as to how you plan to hang onto your body past the age of 85 or so.'

Is it your contention, then, that humans cannot call anything their own because we can't hang on to anything past the age of 85? (And even if we could, how could we call it our own if we do not belong to ourselves?-- that would be like buying something with someone else's money and claiming ownership)

Really, it seems to me that all you've done is establish that you don't believe that the word 'own' has any meaning because you've said that it implies something which cannot exist. If that's the case, I'm just going to say that I grok myself and leave it at that.