I hope I'll be happy [Archive]

person

2004-03-16, 09:00 AM

If I recall correctly, you are the person living/working in China, but your fiance lives/works here in Japan. You are a Russian national. (I just want to make sure I'm talking about the same person.) Having lived here over 3 years now, I could never imagine marrying a Japanese man without having first lived here, experienced the country, etc. It will, undoubtedly, be much different than anything you are used to (good and bad). I'm just terribly curious where/how you met this person. I mean, if you are getting married to someone you don't know - Japanese or otherwise - that's going to be a rough road ahead. If you are doing it because you/he have no other alternatives, well, then I guess that's your decision. However, if that isn't the situation (and I don't want to sound presumptuous), why wouldn't you take the time to get to know this man...specifically. I mean, all men are not the same - American, Japanese, etc. That said, there are certain "expectations" imposed on many (most?) men here in Japan that are not common in other places I've been/know of (nomikai, etc.). I've met many lonely/miserable Japanese women. I'm sure they have counterparts in most any other country as well. However, maybe it's different here. I mean, OF COURSE it's different here...it's Japan. If you haven't seen for yourself, you should. It's perfectly possible that you will have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage with your Japanese fiance (certainly, I hope to should I find myself in a similar situation one day). There's really only one way to find out though; but, I wouldn't recommend getting married first and then finding out later. Just my two cents worth. Take it for what it's worth...but, of course, I think it's fairly good advice.

paulh

2004-03-16, 09:03 AM

Yagiman

I responded to Rano on another post. She is from Uzbekistan which is a Russian republic, so she is Russian.

I wont get into a debate about the wisdom of what she is doing as Im sure she has her own reasons. There are western woman who are married to japanese and seem to do OK, while Asian women do have a rough time due to Japanese attitudes and becuase of history and prejudice against other countries. For all we know her fiance may prefer western or non-Japanese women and could be a perfect gentleman.

I think language will be the biggest difficulty as well as different cultural attitudes. japanese men are very different from russian men (and i havent heard too much good about russian men and they can be just as sexist, chauvinist and boorish as Japanese men). There are a few foreign women here with Japanese boyfriends and husbands, and they dont have problems any worse than any other relationship- remember it is a marriage between individuals , not nationalities so you have to know you are compatible. My wife is japanese and in our relationship there is a lot of give and take, compromise and the fact we have different nationalities is largely incidental.

Your best idea is to find out as much as you can about Japanese culture as you can, and i would probably recommend that you live here a while before you get married.
getting married here is extremely easy, staying married is hard and if you should seek a divorce down the track the cards are stacked against you if you should have children and want to seek custody or visitation etc. Most custody laws here are anti foreigner and there are no extradition treatties if your husband takes your kids back to japan and you want to take them to Russia for example.

Bearcat

2004-03-16, 09:03 AM

*chuckle* If she's russian, then she should be used to the small apartments here.

the dude

2004-03-16, 09:16 AM

Rano,

if you're hot, most japanese men like to show off their wives when they're whities so you'll be fine in that regard.
Romance, a nice guy that is willing to listen to you, wants nothing more than for you to be happy???
Good luck babe!
But look on the bright side. Japanese work so f'in late & are too tired to be suspicious, so if he's mean to you, you can always go out and get laid while he's workin w/o the fear of gettin caught.

smallworld

2004-03-16, 09:34 AM

I can't believe you guys- how do you know she doesn't know her husband well? What's wrong with trying to research a little before getting married?
This site is full of western men who apparently got married without giving it a single thought. Now they're unhappy, soliciting advice (and in 'a web forum of complete strangers' no less!), and receiving plenty.
A common response to these guys is 'Why didn't you think of this BEFORE you got married?'. Well, here is a person doing just that, and instead of advice she gets abuse.
Very nice.

Rano, good for you for trying to find out as much as you can before you get married. But here at gaijinpot, most of the posters are male, most of these males are married to Japanese women, and most of these males married to Japanese women are not happy. Perhaps that makes them think that nobody else can possibly be happy in a similar situation.
So obviously this is not the place to get good advice. But it IS an enlightning sneak peak into some of the attitudes you'll notice amoung your fellow foreigners ('So are you Asian or Russian just marrying for the visa/money?!!!' seems to be a favourite theme).

Try these groups:

BAB, for women in Japan:
http://www.being-a-broad.com/
FWC, 'An online community by and for women in bicultural marriages':
http://www.foreignwivesclub.com/
Married In Japan, for foreign women married (or engaged) to Japanese men (membership required, membership is free):
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MarriedinJapan/
Association of Foreign Wives of Japanese (paid membership required):
http://www.afwj.org/
United for a Multicultural Japan, 'An organization working to promote the welfare and legal rights of non-Japanese with Japanese spouses, and other long-term or permanent residents of Japan' (paid membership required):
http://www.tabunka.org/

The third group, Married In Japan, has been especially helpful to me.

In the meantime, it's important to remember that male or female, Japanese or not, people usually have unrealistic ideas about married life. And almost everyone changes in some way after marriage. So no matter how nice a person seems before marriage, he can't be counted on to be a good husband.
I think the ability to communicate (and I'm not talking about the language gap) and to compromise are as desirable in a potential spouse as kindness. If he can't compromise now, even on little things, then there is trouble down the road. If he's willing to give in and acknowledges that you do the same, then that's a good start.

Check out the above links and good luck!

person

2004-03-16, 09:41 AM

For the record, Smallworld, I am a Western FEMALE. Speaking of not making any assumptions, perhaps you, too, should not have done so. If you reread my post, you will see that my post - as well as at least one other one (PaulH's) - are NOT abusive in the least. It's clear you understand the English language. Please be more careful when you make such generalizations.

smallworld

2004-03-16, 10:10 AM

Person,
Didn't make any assumptions about you- I hadn't even read your post when I started mine. You and Paul are just faster typers than I am.

You guys actually did give some good advice, I hope it is heeded.

Rano, not all hot white women married to Japanese are trophy wives. That's a stereotype that drives me nuts!

the dude

2004-03-16, 10:12 AM

smallworld wrote: "...almost everyone changes in some way after marriage. So no matter how nice a person seems before marriage, he can't be counted on to be a good husband. "

Sounds like YOU got married and ain't happy babe.

If you got time in the evening and STILL can't seem to get rid of your stress, mail me and I'll try to help ya out.

cheer up smallworld!!!

Bluedog

2004-03-16, 10:18 AM

"here at gaijinpot, most of the posters are male, most of these males are married to Japanese women, and most of these males married to Japanese women are not happy"

Please. I realise to make a point it's necessary to do some generalisation, but that really is a bit much.

paulh

2004-03-16, 10:18 AM

In the meantime, it's important to remember that male or female, Japanese or not, people usually have unrealistic ideas about married life. And almost everyone changes in some way after marriage. So no matter how nice a person seems before marriage, he can't be counted on to be a good husband.
I think the ability to communicate (and I'm not talking about the language gap) and to compromise are as desirable in a potential spouse as kindness. If he can't compromise now, even on little things, then there is trouble down the road. If he's willing to give in and acknowledges that you do the same, then that's a good start.

Speaking from experience,

Wives (foreign or Japanese) also change after marriage, not just foreign men. Dont assume its just the men at fault here. Women have a vested interest as well, and their attitudes towards their husbands (paycheck earner, provider of seed/children) and behavior can change once you slip the ring on the finger.

smallworld

2004-03-16, 10:36 AM

The dude,
Sorry but I'm busy during the evenings. That's when my husband and I get rid of eachothers' stress. And I'm one happy babe, thank you very much!

Bluedog,
Perhaps I should have said it this way: 'Most of the posters here who are male and married to a Japanese woman AND discuss their married life are unhappy'. Which would be true. I guess because the happy people don't have anything to talk about, it's easy to overlook them. My bad.

Paulh,
I didn't assume that only men are at fault. If you read very carefully, you'll notice the word 'female' here: "it's important to remember that male or female, Japanese or not, people usually have unrealistic ideas about married life.".

the dude

2004-03-16, 10:46 AM

smallworld,

Hubby makes ya one happy babe?

"...no matter how nice a person seems before marriage, he can't be counted on to be a good husband."

I guess you wrote that statement because you have a friend who is going through that and not yourself?
I'm not doubting you, I honestly hope you are happy.

buckminsterfuller

2004-03-16, 11:24 AM

smallworld, take another look at the original post.

"can you tell me about Japanese life and guy? Are they really kind and good for women? "

This is not a question one asks about men who they know.
This isn't just getting married, this most likely involves commiting one's life to live in Japan forever!

Rano,
please be careful! Definitely try to spend some time in Japan before getting married.

paulh

2004-03-16, 01:49 PM

Rano's original post

"Hello everyone,
I hope you all doing great.

I have a question. I'd be grateful for any reply.
I'm a citizen of Kyrgyzstan( old Soviet Union republic). At this moment I'm working in China. my contract will be over in August.
IThank you,
Sincerely yours,

Rano

And yes, downtown, I have married several foreigners in my time, including Americans, Chinese and Canadians.

paulh

2004-03-16, 03:16 PM

�
�Caucasian Coasting - Yippee!
Author:�downtown�(---.niigata.ocn.ne.jp)
Date:��03-16-04 14:27

Here's an example of someone who is a citizen of a country but IN NO WAY affirms that country's national identity. There's an American in Japan who is now a Japanese citizen, asserting that he is "Japanese". All the while he asserts his AMERICAN heritage, fights for AMERICAN privileges, complains about the lack of AMERICAN values and generally behaves as a 100% AMERICAN. Then he wonders why he isn't treated like a Japanese. So much for citizenship.

I guess you are referring to Debito Arudo. He is Japanese becuase he has a japanese passport, though looks western. So what makes a person Japanese then? what makes them American?. Physical features?How about daniel Inoue, former governor of Hawaiii? Behavior and attitude? hes American just becuase he is outspoken? There are Japanese Americans who assert their Japanese heritage too.
What do you mean by american values? Equality? Lack of discrimination? Fairness?

Konishiki and akebono are Japanese too (and former Americans). How are they supposed to behave, as Japanese?

The right for him his wife and daughters (born in Japan, so they are Japanese) to not be refused entry into a bar or onsen? The right to not be stopped in the street and asked for ID becuase he looks different. The right to get elected to representation even though he is Japanese, pays and is levied taxes, pension, health insurance and owns a house here.

These are not privileges he fights for but RIGHTS. he just wants to be treated the same as everyone else.

On a somewhat related subject: You are a self-proclaimed 'pastor'. Does your church have any dogmas or rituals? Any parishioners? Was your accreditation easy to come by?

Methodist church located in Nishinari, Osaka. work with a Japanese pastor working with the homeless. (want the phone number) and part of my wedding income goes to feed the homeless? Regular services held every weekend.

Accrediitation? None of your damn business.

Anyway, there are 700,000 weddings in japan every year, many of them performed at hotels restaurants, wedding halls and banquet rooms across Japan. 70% of the weddings at my hotel and many others I work at are in the chapel vs. Shinto-style which is the couples choice.

To marry every Japanese couple in Japan every weekend, you will need a helluva lot of Catholic priests to cater to them all. Many Christian style hotel weddings do not even have a Minister, foreign or Japanese, officiating at the wedding ceremony

paulh

2004-03-16, 03:31 PM

I also forgot to mention that many 'authentic' ministers will not marry a couple in japan unless they are a member of the pastors congregation or one of the couple is a Christian, so they disqualify themselves from doing a ceremony in many cases. Thats not my problem.

PS I work sometimes with a guy who is an Anglican vicar and in many cases they are
1. old
2. very crusty and very stubborn. Will not do the wedding the way a couple or a hotel wants but the way THEY want.
3. Usually speak little or no Japanese (if a foreigner and elderly) and what they do speak is very bad (from the ones Ive met)
4. Prone to giving long and drawn out sermons (some lasting up to 20 minutes)
5. Not available on weekends and public holidays
6. Born again Christians who try and convert the couple or condemn them to damnation for not being Christians.

I met one Catholic priest who seemed to use the wedding to aggrandise and draw attention to himself, use loud gestures, and not celebrate the couples wedding.

richard

2004-03-16, 04:00 PM

Am just curious but I thought downtown was "on vacation" till next year sometime..........
R.

Bluedog

2004-03-16, 05:18 PM

"That's next year on ANOTHER planet, not planet Earth. "

So which planet are you living on? Perhaps you could go back there. In any case, none of the other planets would have finished a year since your last post.

paulh

2004-03-16, 05:21 PM

Why am I angry?

1. you are a troll and a pest.
2. I dont have to answer to you and I dont really care whether you approve or not.
I really just think you are jealous, thats all.
3. you said you would go back into your hole for another year.

As for me and why Im not working, I dont start teaching until early-April and am taking a well earned vacation. Nice for some isnt it.

paulh

2004-03-16, 08:53 PM

7 million? Is that all?

paulh

2004-03-16, 09:01 PM

Downtown

you have about as much ethics as a Catholic Bishop in Boston.

trip_hop

2004-03-16, 09:08 PM

Debito Arudo - David Aldwinckle - of the Otaru Onsen Law Suit fame.
http://www.debito.org

Many aspiring PRs and potential naturalised Japanese look at his site with awe, and treat everything he says as gospel; though he stresses it is just his experience, and it may not be applicable to everyone.

Whilst he is is vociferously against discrimination in Japan, he seems unable to comprehend" freedom of association", as practised by certain "discerning" US country clubs, golf clubs, and other havens of male WASPs.

He is no relation to Dewi Sukarno.

The more rights you claim, the less freedom you have.

paulh

2004-03-16, 09:49 PM

I already confessed at Mass this morning. Twice in one day is bad for the karma.

Bluedog

2004-03-16, 10:08 PM

"You seem to be limited to your own solar system. You should get out more."

Oh yes I see. At a round trip time of at least 8 years to the nearest other one, we'll see you then. Make sure you take some blankets, the space between stars is pretty damn cold I hear.

Bluedog

2004-03-16, 10:52 PM

I keep my cosmic power in my pants where it belongs. Suggest you do the same.

And the only thing faster than light is the speed of BS. Unfortunately nothing more substantial than pure unadulterated BS can travel so fast. Reports that Beethoven's 5th symphony had been transmitted faster than light turned out to be... you guessed it, BS.

Rano

2004-03-17, 01:19 AM

WOW!!!
Thanks for everyone,
And I was really suprised reading this opinions.
I hardly found time to read these letters. Anyway I was happy.

yes, you are right YAGIMAN, I'm not westerner. English is my fifth language. And you are wrong, I'm not interested in Japanese visa/money.

Thanks SMALLWORLD,
You are absolutely right, that's what I want to know more before marriage.
Because he is so kind, bowing everytime and very shy, calling every 5 minutes. That's why I wanted to know about their culture and personality from other foreigners who live there. Are they really like this everytime or just...... pretending?
I like him because he cares me a lot but not love. I think love doesn't exist. He wants to marry me. But I asked time until summer to think over.

By the way, I mixed. My mother is Russian, father is Kyrgyz.I have blue eyes.

Thank you for everyone.

Bugboy

2004-03-17, 10:41 AM

ZORTANG!...........give us the continuous trans-functioner!! and we'll give you erototic pleasure..............who are you guys?......we are not guys, we are hot chicks!

the dude

2004-03-17, 11:27 AM

Rano said "I think love doesn't exist."

NOW THAT IS MY KINDA GIRL!!

If things don't work out with lover-boy, then we gotta talk bay-bee!!!

the dude

2004-03-17, 01:28 PM

downtown,
who cares? everybody in the world wants somethin. Is it so terrible that she wants a visa???

Bluedog

2004-03-17, 01:59 PM

ZORTANG!...........

Lol. At least Zortang had a good reason to cross the interstellar chasm. Not much point travelling light-years just to drink beer and complain about the amoeba backpackers. There should be a higher purpose for such advanced civilisations, ergo DT is probably not a member.

the dude

2004-03-17, 02:21 PM

downtown,

i guess i don't share your will to condemn people. At times, life may suck, but as long as there are chicks around me, the glass is half full in my book!

carlos

2004-03-17, 03:43 PM

long live the dude! (and dudettes)

paulh

2004-03-17, 04:30 PM

Maybe Rano is hiding her pastors credentials too.

As for Rano's legitimate reasons for coming to Japan- whats it to you?

the dude

2004-03-17, 04:55 PM

Thanx Carlos!

ALSO
The Matt Dillon (& 2 young hot chicks) movie is called "Wild Things". Pop that puppy in the VCR, you and the mrs. crack open a bottle of red and about an hour into the movie will be the scene that you've been waitin for! The little lady will go for it! It's a given!!!

smallworld

2004-03-17, 07:56 PM

You're kidding, right Dude? That had to be one of the most un-sexy sex scenes I've ever seen. 'Erotic Thriller' is a genre full of bad movies, but this is one of the worst.
Carlos, you'd be better off renting an actual porn flick.

Bluedog

2004-03-18, 12:57 AM

"That had to be one of the most un-sexy sex scenes I've ever seen."

Yeah, I do agree with this. Denise Richards bared it all, but what she had to bare looked like two overblown baloons. I'm sure that whatever she had there before she went under the surgeons knife looked better than what she ended up with.

the dude

2004-03-18, 09:54 AM

Hey Bludog and smallworld!!!

Watch what you say about that movie!!! That flick has gotten the mix started for me several times! A porn isn't subtle enough if your g/f or wife hasn't been with a girl before (or doesn't know you're trying to convince her to). Wild Things looks more than normal enough, so it'll give ya a chance to give the 2 finger tango under the blanket while sipping wine and she won't know what you're up to. So by the time the chick-on-chick scene comes she'll be in the mood & won't have a chance to act defensive!
You can get a soft porn AFTER she agrees to go ahead and get a hottie to jump in.

Step by step guys! You don't wanna scare away the fish before you stick your pole in the water do ya???

smallworld

2004-03-18, 11:46 AM

Several times! I couldn't even finish it the first time.
If you want a 'real' movie instead of a porn to get a women interested in other women, try "Bound". Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilley are a thousand times sexier than the bimbos in "Wild Things". Plus it's a great movie.

the dude

2004-03-18, 01:16 PM

Yeah the actual movie "Wild Things" wasn't that good. But c'mon since when does content matter when you got one goal in mind?
"Bound" is good ya say? Right on! I usually can't afford to waste time at the video store lookin for the perfect flick so I just picked Wild Things cause it worked in the past.

I like the way you think babe! You're husband is a lucky guy!

Bluedog

2004-03-18, 10:15 PM

While we're on the subject, Mulholland Drive had some smokin cellulose (as opposed to smoked cellulite), Naomi Watts and some other chick. And not a bad movie either.

sophie-chan

2004-03-19, 12:41 AM

bluedog - or should i say blowdongs, Mulholland Drive sucked! maybe you didn't notice it was so bad because you were busy sucking your boyfriends ____...
if you want to suck ____ that is ok. i will not fault you. but do not tell us about the movies that highlighted your ____-sucking experiences while you did it please...

thank you hon!

i wonder if THE DUDE is as good as he thinks he is!

C'mon hon, tell us about your ____!

sophie-chan

2004-03-19, 12:43 AM

smallworld

2004-03-19, 12:44 AM

> I like the way you think babe! You're husband is a lucky guy!
Dude, I'd be flattered if not for the fact that you say the same thing to every single female here!
And, as hokey as it sounds, I'm the lucky one, not my husband.

imTony

2004-03-19, 06:06 AM

smallworld,

awwwwwwwwww =)

Bugboy

2004-03-19, 06:11 AM

Hou Hou....sophie chan or should i say sloppy chan Ho Ho Ho ho ho...you seem to particularly like the words ____, _____, ____, blowjob, felattio(n), sodomy and so on...
Is it due to:
1) An unsatisfactory sexual life, which resulted in an obsessive passion for the human body and its attributes?
or
2) A Frustration due to being at the final stage of psychosexual development in psychoanalytic theory, and, consequently, being unable to control your hormones?

Please fell free to enlighten me on this matter.

*Note: No responsabilities will be taken if the above happen to be incorrect and/or inaccurate

ZORTANG...........

the dude

2004-03-19, 08:30 AM

>Dude, I'd be flattered if not for the fact that you say the same thing to every single female here!

shopie-cahn is one chick that I would never say it to!

even so, you adding your valuable opinion on what movies to get to contribute to the mix and rano not believing in love make one helluva combination! I don't say it to everyone, it just comes straight from the heart!

Carlos what'd I tell ya buddy? The mrs. will be up for it too!

Anonymous

2004-03-19, 08:37 AM

<--------slight altercations lead to full scale donnybrooks, ALLL these threads point in one direction, that bein' downbloodyhill, ALLL leading to the wretched, braggard "humility free" bile "downtown"with "dudeffus", ahh, WHATS THE F__KIN' POINT? wasteoftimefvckininternet, sausage embolism strychnine persecution----------->

Anonymous

2004-03-19, 12:59 PM

Oh yeah, Rano, for what it's f__kin' worth, I hope you'll be f__kin' happy too.

righto.

Tomoko.

kurogane

2004-03-20, 07:25 PM

DOWNTOWN,

Cease and desisit. You have been shunned. Away with thee, foul pestilence.

Kurogane has spoken.

sophie-chan

2004-03-20, 07:27 PM

you'd better say it to me THE DUDE!!!

I know you would if you could taste me!!

2004-03-21, 09:28 PM

Raxmat,

Are you still there?

Maybe you should give it a little more time. The shyness and courtesy go away - it takes Japanese guys time to open up. They can be just as bad or just as good as anyone else. A lot depends on his level of education, if he ever lived abroad, and for how long. It also depends on the kind of guys you like - Japanese guys are of the stronger male type. I dated two Russian guys and found them similar to the Japanese in terms of how they treat women and what they expect in return.

If you are thinking of doing it just for the visa, you are going to hate the guy, this country, the people, the food, etc. - unlike other places you can never get used to it. 85% of the Russians I talked to hate it here. 15% are either with people they love, or speak Japanese and always wanted to be in Japan, or are here for the short-term.

Having said all that, I am myself in a relationship with a Japanese guy, and it's been going very well. Love him to death, even considered staying in Japan with him. Luckily, he is ok with living abroad, so we are planning to move.

Peace,
AV