View Full Version : Manipulative?
2004-05-06, 09:45 PM
I met this Japanese girl who I developed strong feelings for. We had started a language exchange where she would come to my apartment once a week and we would teach each other English/ Japanese. We did this a few times.
Now she says she wants to be able to make "uncertain appointments" with me for when she wants to come over. So she'll say "I want to come over on Sunday evening, but don't worry, I'll ring you first." She has done this a few times and cancelled on me.
What on earth does that mean? It's like she wants me to get ready for her even though there's a good chance she won't be able to come over. ("I'm too busy.") Also, implicit is the freedom not to ring me if she isn't coming - i.e. "I'll ring you if I can come over, but if I can't, you won't hear anything from me."
She used to seem really happy and enthusiastic to see me, but now I feel she is playing around with me. It really hurts. I find it hard to believe - she is so nice - but I think she is a manipulator.
I think I have to cease contact with her. None of my other friends treat me like this (Japanese included). What do other people think?
2004-05-06, 10:08 PM
no offence mate but you sound like a bit of a cry-baby. If you don't like what she's doing, tell her. Tell her you want to make firm plans and that the present situation of her calling if she is going to come is not acceptable to you.
How old are you man? Is this your first relationship/crush?
2004-05-06, 10:39 PM
No offense, "mate," but you sound pretty presumptuous.
Yes, I told her. I told her off. But she still thinks it's OK. I just want to know other people's opinions of this type of behaviour - please don't patronize me.
I left out a lot of other detail here, mainly because I just want to get this off my chest.
2004-05-06, 10:43 PM
Sounds to me like she is yanking your chain.
She probably knows you have the hots for her and she uses that to get what she wants and is not used to people saying no to her. She is not your girlfriend, but a young woman who is coming to you for private free English lessons. Whats in this for you? How far will you let her go before you put your foot down? She may be a nice young woman but that is no reason you have to be a doormat for her and drop everything just because your hormones are doing overtime.
You have your own life and your own schedule and you can not expect to just drop everything whenever she feels like it. Tell here when you can see her, when you are busy and thats its not OK just for her to turn up announced, or not tell you when she is not coming.
2004-05-06, 10:52 PM
Probably best idea is to let her know that your time is valuable, it costs money and that if she is going to keep you waiting you will start charging her for the time you waste waiting for her. Treat her like a paying student- everyone of my students I make them pay if they cancel on me or ____ me around. I dont have time for people who stand me up.
2004-05-06, 11:33 PM
That's reassuring. I think she's gone completely off me because I told her I wouldn't have any of the "uncertain appointment" business. Sounds like a contradiction in terms.
Cheers, and thanks.
2004-05-06, 11:47 PM
they have an expression in Japanese
"hoshi no kazu ga ooi" which means theres plenty more fish in the sea. Life is too short to be wasting time chasing your John Thomas after every pretty young thing that gives you the come hither look and lead you around by your tongue. I teach (taught) whole class loads of them at a junior college and as high as the drool factor is when all said and done, they are often more trouble than they are worth. C---K teasers most of them.
hmmm, i'm going thru the same thing kinda, except i don't want to date the girl at all
i think the spoiled/push/pull thing is just part of the courtship in japanese society...
2004-05-07, 10:15 AM
sounds like the perfect woman to me.. a regular booty call that doesnt care about commitment. just keep her in perspective. she's not the girl you wanna go out with longterm anyway if she's like that. treat her the way she deserves. sucks if you thought you liked her, but thats life sometimes dude.
did it occur to anyone else here that this girl probably has an "offical" boyfriend that she is screwing around on with deets, and when she calls and cancels its because she wasnt clear on what her plans were with mr offical... thats what it sounds like to me.
deets, get her back by changing your plans on her... dont be wrapped round her little finger with her hooks in you....
2004-05-07, 12:24 PM
It's time to move on. Too many other things to think about!
hope you doing better.
I wont write too long : Just forget abou that type of girl.
It happened to me ( with a guy) and i tried to stay positive,telling myself things will trun in my favor,blablabla. It won't happen.
and by that time you may miss a opportunity to meet another nice girl :)
Good luck to you :)
2004-05-12, 12:40 PM
He never said specifically that he was shagging her. And if so, what the big deal?? You don't have any "rights" over her unless she's your girlfriend so IMHO, you have nothing to _____ about. Put up with it, or go find another shag. It must be easy, after all gaijin are so "popular" in Japan. (^^) hee hee hee!
Rights? you never met any of the girls ive dated jguylover...
2004-05-19, 02:17 PM
Don't be a Nancy Boy!! Show her who is the boss.
Give her a jolly good shag and then don't call her for a few weeks...she will be so jealous that she will want to jump your bones in no time flat!!
If she gives up on you, don't worry. There are always more to follow...
2004-06-15, 10:51 PM
Sounds rude to me buddy, she would lock into a timetable if she knew what was good for her...