View Full Version : Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!
2004-07-26, 08:13 PM
I'm getting peeved!!
I missed my bus home Saturday night, which meant I had to find a place to sleep, and the most logical thing seemed to share a bed with the guy I'd met up with that night (and seen a few times before, and who I like very much) who had come to town early for something he had the next day. He seemed gung-ho enough, so we settled in, said goodnight, and then NOTHING HAPPENED!!!
I tried subtly snuggling up, hoping to get things going, but I guess he took it as no more than bedhog behavior cuz he told me to move over a little to give him more space.
I think he IS looking for a serious relationship (and therefore might not want to be too intimate too early) but GEEZ. I've seen him several times but gotten no hugs, no kisses, not even a peck on the cheek, let alone anything else. he's either afraid or doesn't want to touch me, or something. . . if he doesn't find me attractive, then shouldn't he just stop seeing/contacting me???
He IS really nice, and interesting and intelligent and successful and has beautiful eyes and a nice body and all sorts of things that make me not want to give up too easily. Am I missing something here??? I was SO ready to go that night. . . it's already been such a long time since I've been with anyone (the local inaka boys just don't cut it for me), I really can't be bothered with this kind of complicated game.
2004-07-26, 09:07 PM
I don`t think it`s a game. I my experience, J-guys are super-conservative at first, and unwilling to have sex unless they`re very sure about you. You will usually have to make a pretty aggressive move, too. However, you`d gotten into bed with him already... hmm...
He may have been suffering from performance anxiety.... or had no condoms... or maybe he`s gay... or... ???
Anyways, I`d contact him and thank him for the evening. Send him a gift. (A NICE gift, along the lines of what you`d have spent on a hotel.) That creates a sense of obligation, and he`ll keep in contact.
Don`t give up now!
My 2 yen.
2004-07-26, 10:50 PM
Madeira wrote: "J-guys are super-conservative at first, and unwilling to have sex unless they`re very sure about you"
that is, as she intimated, if they are serious. If they just wanna pop one off, they can slut around like Charisma Man. Maybe he likes you, and wants to move slowly. Things could be worse (not that a cuddle and a tcikle wouldN7t have been nice :) )
2004-07-27, 07:59 AM
Maybe he is one of those rare mythical beasties called a "gentleman"
2004-07-27, 02:20 PM
I don't think I've ever wanted to be a woman, I mean I've never thought about surgery or even tried on women's clothes, but one thing I've always envied about women is that they can have sex anytime they want it. And I'm sorry but I'm not willing to reconsider this viewpoint based on your bumbling attempts at coitus. "Subtle snuggling"? Grab the bull by the horns, Buckminsterfuller!
2004-07-27, 07:24 PM
Mandrake Good. You talking about me again?
You have fulfilled my expectations ;)
2004-07-28, 06:02 PM
My advice is to forget this guy as a potential boyfriend / sex friend / whatever. Sounds like the only thing he wants to be to you is a FRIEND. You're giving off vibes of sexual interest, and it's flattering and exciting, but he's not up for all the complications of a relationship which would HAVE to be a serious one, if the two of you are as compatible as you say. The brutal truth as I see it: he likes you, but not that much. On the whole, it's probably just as well that he was cautious and decent enough not to take advantage of your willingness to have a one night stand.
2004-07-28, 06:36 PM
Yeah, maybe he does just want to be friends. I don't desire him as a f*ck-friend or one night stand though - those are no good. I really do want to be in a real relationship! I wish I could figure out what's going on. I guess I'm just not good at this. . . .
Tokyoite, why'd you think I was up for a one night stand??
Post Edited (07-28-04 18:37)
2004-07-28, 08:57 PM
Buckminsterfuller, hang tight and send a gift and a thank-you note NOW. I think you`re onto a live one. As in, quite possibly a real-live husband type one.
Oh, and are you ready to marry into a Japanese family? Is this guy a first child? Are you a first child, too? Do you have obligations to support your family and leave Japan at some point? How do you feel about taking care of your in-laws ... in your house?
These types of questions may seem like jumping the gun, but not here... and not if the guy in question is a first child.
Also, have you cooked for him yet? If no, that should be your next goal.
Anyhow, I have to start dinner and make plans for Obon... not sure if we have to wash the graves this time, but we have to get back to the family hometown. I hope I can finish replacing all the shoji paper before then. It`s time to get the ume boshi into jars, too.
2004-07-28, 09:21 PM
Call him girl, tell him how you feel.
2004-07-29, 03:02 PM
Tell him that you're always gonna need him
Tell him that you're always gonna love him
Tell him right now!
OK ladies, anme that tune.
2004-07-29, 03:43 PM
I'm not gonna name that tune lest everyone think I watch Ally McBeal. I don't, I swear on the graves of my ex-wife's ancestors. OK, I watched it once, but only because a prospective new bride was visiting. You see, Kuro-chan, in Japan, it's customary to invite a girl you're serious about to your place for parcheesi and an episode of Ally McBeal.
Your advice, well-intentioned as it may be, borders on the psychotic. She gets brushed off by a J-guy in bed and you counsel her to send (expensive) gifts and cook him dinner. Because then he'll feel obligated to her...Is that the cultural road map you followed? Well let me tell you something: it's not for everyone. And there's more than one way to a J-guy's heart.
Don't be afraid to do some off-roading. Or just be yourself, no need for radical transformations (at least not yet, anyways). Sooner or later you'll know if it's going anywhere. In the meantime, I suggest you rethink your bedroom strategy.
2004-07-29, 07:33 PM
Weren't you up for a one night stand?
In your original post you said "I tried subtly snuggling up, hoping to get things going," and "I was SO ready to go that night..."
I thought you meant you were hoping to initiate sex. If you were just hoping for a snuggle, then I really am sorry: I misunderstood. Forgive!
But if you WERE hoping to initiate sex, wellll... in my book, when you go ahead and sleep with a guy who isn't your boyfriend (i.e. has not made an emotional commitment), you'd better think of it as a one-night stand, because that's what it will probably turn out to be. Sure, it COULD develop into something real, but I think most guys take relationships more seriously when you go the time-honored route of dating, holding hands, kissing, etc., etc., step by tortuous step... a long process that you CAN initiate, but mostly HE has to be in the driver's seat, asking you out on dates etc. Like it or lump it, them's the rules, especially in Japan.
Am I old-fashioned? Maybe... or maybe I'm just ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY!
2004-07-30, 01:08 AM
If you only saw it once, how did you know it was Ally's theme song?
DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
2004-07-30, 09:27 AM
I dunno Tokyoite, I'm not sure if those are the rules in Japan or not. I know alot of couples that got together really fast - sex "right off the bat," so to speak, and ended up in long relationships. I've often heard that at least the girls here are quick to "cement" relationships here if they really want a guy - first it's sex, and then she's cleaning his house and cooking for him every day. Then, it seems that one night stands are also pretty common, and that it's often with someone one is already casually friends with, and and mutually understood beforehand as a one-night-stand.
I REALLY don't think this guy is out for a one night stand. Things have been far too time consuming for such to be worthwhile.
yeah, and I kinda doubt that sending him a gift would be a good idea. Cooking for him? Well, that MAY be possible.
But all this waiting around is driving me crazy! I want to know what direction this is going in, or if it is going in any direction at all.
On top of all this, I live far away from him, calling is expensive, and he's really busy with work and doesn't seem to have time/inclination to call or mail very much. Perhaps that's the indicator right there. - sigh -
2004-08-04, 03:52 PM
Hey, sorry to sound like a psycho!
I just remember being in a similar situation.... Going on dates quite often, the guy in question assuming I`d be available even at short/no notice.... But NOTHING happening. Just very polite 1950`s movie-style dates. It was driving me crazy. J-guys, if they`re serious, don`t send any of the `buying` signals that Western girls are used to. They don`t, in my experience, make the first move, either.
Heck, what is this dating stuff, anyways? I hadn`t `dated` since highschool... and even then, there was a possibility of sex...
So, I sent cards and gifts... and then started cooking dinner instead of us going to a restaurant. After about 4 months of this, I told him that there was NO WAY he was catching the last train again... At the time, I had no idea what was going through his head, or if that would work...
But it did.
So, take my advice or leave it... I just don`t think you should give up!
I agree with mandrake: Maybe he is one of those rare mythical beasties called a "gentleman"
... I met several J-guys who were really aggressive and wanted to get horny after two weeks, but perhaps that's because I'm Japanese-looking (?) Hahaha, just a thought!
2004-08-05, 12:57 AM
Get horny after two weeks? Jeez, I get horny thirty two seconds after waking up.
I agree with tee agreeing with Mandate: some of us can keep it in our codpiece if we are thinking of her seriously, or if we're not sure of her, or ourselves.
2004-08-10, 11:48 PM
You should have just reached over for his ding!
"^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^" "^_^"
2004-08-11, 07:49 PM
Do you mean dong?
Which is it, ding? Dong?
You say Tomeyto, I say..................................
2004-08-12, 01:22 AM
If your not moving then your standing still.
Maybe it was a Kuroding? or a Kurodang? or even a Kurodong?
King Kong Kuro Dong Dang Kuro Ding-a-ling-a-lang-a-long....
And under the light of a full moon dance around the campfire making whooping sounds.
2004-08-12, 11:00 PM
If you start singing Koombayah, I'm leaving ;)
2004-08-20, 08:52 PM
you leave out some important detail, namely how attractive do *you* look? You should not be sure that every ding-dong carrier is sexually interested in you, just because you are there.
If there is nothing wrong on the visual front and you can`t get your friend interested, by all means send me an e-mail. I will be more attentive :-)
2004-08-20, 09:15 PM
2004-08-20, 09:38 PM
"King Kong Kuro Dong Dang Kuro Ding-a-ling-a-lang-a-long...."
It's a love affair, namely Jesus and my hot-rod.
This thread is funny. And has not, as yet, been trolled to death.
You say tomatas, I say tomartas
You say potatoes I say potartoes
A ding, a dong, a mo-f*kin _______,
Who cares, mine's simply long.
2004-08-20, 10:06 PM
NEWSBREAK: Bluedog overdoses on Pocky, and spouts messianic gibberish that results in the sudden and irreversible outbreak of world peace.
Never believe what you read in the tabloids.
2004-08-20, 11:19 PM
Maybe he sobered up.
2004-08-20, 11:22 PM
Kurogane, in the current evangelical theme, you may be in need of some ministry.
But it was obscure, I'll certainly give you that. More, in fact, if you ask.
2004-08-24, 04:55 PM
I think we are missing the set up to the whole thing. Who invited who to stay and what happened before.
Is it true that just because a woman is in you bed you must have sex? In Japan, the reverse seems to be true as mentioned previously that Japanese women seem to like to close the deal and then move in quickly if they like you. Japanese men (so I am told) are not that agressive and (again as I am told) might wait for the g-girl to make the move.
So I agree you should have grabed something
My female gaijin friend made breakfast for her Japanese man and apparently it did wonders for their relationship. All she made was rice balls. Onagiri? They were already boyfriend and girlfriend but I vaguely remember her venting her frustration at the difficulty of getting him into bed the first time.
However, if he NEVER emails or calls that might not be a good sign. Try not to contact him too much. You said he was busy with work, you sure he`s not busy with his wife? Just asking. If he is busy with his work then that will take priority over eveything. I know my J girlfriend gives me more attention when Im busy at work. Apparently its a turn on (to be ignored?) for J-girls. I have had more than 1 J girl tell me so. I guess its a cultural thing, working hard and providing for the family/partner is more important than providing emotion. Be stoic, be patient. dont be aggressive. ganbatte
2004-08-24, 06:54 PM
BD, You are the Mess-iah, aren't you? Tee Hee