View Full Version : funeral query
2002-09-18, 11:10 PM
hi, i thinking of moving to japan to die. How can i arrange my own funeral?
Leave it all to me Tony. I`ll bury ya. Good and deep too.
2002-09-19, 06:21 PM
Thank you very much mister matt you have my gratatude. i don wan no crazy Yankee funeral with stars an stripe flag.i wan mafia guy funeral where you hit my big head with basball bat and you bery me in ditch and spit all over my face and you say " die tony die you are scum of earth". This make mister Wang very happy.
Mr Wang, (not "Fat Tony"?), our funerals are generally far more tasteful than what you`re after but in your case we have decided to make an exception.
However I`m afraid the bat scenario is out of the question as it is rather laborious not to mention a bit labour-intensive for my associates and I.
My directors and I agree that the stars and stripe flag option is rather gauche so we have decided to meet you half way. As per your original request to die in Japan we have decided that it would be best if we stuffed your still breathing being into the ice cream display case at any Lawsons convenience store outlet that you request.
Please forward \2, 395,000 to our offshore bank account and we will make the necessary arrangements.
2002-09-20, 01:42 AM
Are you crazy mr matt?? tony wang for sure cannot die in no ice cream! this is the death of gay man! TONG WANG IS NOT GAY MAN....NO WAY!!!!!!!
i have another sugeston. i wud like to die a death in theme of sexy film Basic Instinct. you be lady sharan stone and you take all your clothes away and you sit on top of tony and go up and down and you say " oh mister Wang you so sexy, make you love to me mr Wang, OH MY GOD!, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!", THEN YOU GET ICE AXE AND SMASH IT DOWN RIGHT INTO MY FACE!!!!
Good idea isnt it mister matt, for that i pay 2000 yens. OK.
Mr Wang, the ice pick scenario is an option and does have it`s merits however some other small details of your demisal and subsequent corpse disposal are presenting my staff and I with some significant dilemnas.
Our thinktank has pointed out to me that for me (a strapping large masculine man) to dry hump you doing some sort of Hollywood starlet impersonation would in most circles be seen as the act of 2 homosexual men. And yet you state "TONG WANG IS NOT GAY MAN....NO WAY!!!!!!!"
Further down our agenda has been your assertion that if we stuffed your still breathing being into the ice cream display case at any Lawsons convenience store outlet you would construe this as "the death of gay man!"- to use your exact words.
I do not wish to twist your words, our clients are very important to us.
2002-09-20, 06:37 PM
oh mister matt, you are trying now to cunfuse Tony with your English of queen. You are like Huw Grant, yes, you have floppy hair like lady and you say " Oh goodness me, isnt it a lovly day, wud you like sum tea?"
mister matt, every man no that if other man is wearing the hair of lady THEN YOU CANNOT BE A GAY MAN! Oh mister matt, i wud have given you the fake hair! you have much to learn mister matt. you cannot live life hidden in cave.
mister matt, if you put Tony in ice cream then one day in future a small girl will go into shop and she say, "Mother, Mother, can i have ice cream?' and mother will say, "Shut your head or i will beat you again!" and child say "Please, please,please, please" until mother say "OK then". then child will put spoon in ice cream, put spoon in mouth, and SHE WILL BE EATING HUMAN FLESH!!!!!!!!!!! HUMAN FLESH!!!!!!!!!! A LITTLE CHILD WHO EATS HUMAN FLESH!!!!!!! This cannot be right mister matt!
I ask your honorable self to make more realistic sugeston.
2002-09-20, 09:54 PM
hello engrish and usa friends!! my name is bruce foonang, and am very happy to hear of your questions about death in japan thing. I too wish to be buried alive, in tokyo like real man. But, can i have my pets buried with me too? Must be a good good burial for bruce, i dont want to be caught like man with trousers down, make me unhappy. will someone honour my family and do very good job, that lovely. Must have big big coffin for foonang person. I am size of elephant, hahahahahaha!! but i make love like a wild shogun
Mr Wang, really, there is no need to get personal. My toupee is actually crafted from the finest horse hair on the market and is virtually indistinguishable from the hair of say, a Harry Grant or a Sheryl Stone.
I do apologise for my use of overly technical language. My profession is a brutal and occasionally gruesome one. I shall try to speak in laymens terms from here on in. Your grisly death has become a very high priority for my associates and I. We look forward to fulfilling your wishes in an alarmingly horrific manner.
I am ashamed to say my partners and I did all suffer a minor lapse in professionalism and almost secreted urine we were laughing so severely at the imagery of your "put spoon in mouth, and SHE WILL BE EATING HUMAN FLESH!!!!!!!!!!! HUMAN FLESH!!!!!!!!!! A LITTLE CHILD WHO EATS HUMAN FLESH!!!!!!!" scenario. We are after all in the business of death and that particular brand of humour really tickles our collective funny bones.
As for the sudden (or slow - rates vary) ceasage of your life functions we would still like to go with a dramatic Japan - based theme. Perhaps we could rendevouz at a claustrophobically crowded location, (somewhere appropriately masculine. not gay in the slightest.).I could dress as a high school girl and methodically bludgeon you to death with the blunt end of a happily chirping cellphone? Is there anything more Japanese than that? Just a suggestion.
2002-09-21, 02:04 AM
what is cell phone- is thalike walkie talkie or sumthin?
2002-09-23, 01:41 AM
ah mister matt now we are talking bisnes. i will meet you by the train station, you will reconize me, mr matt, by my michael jaksone jacket. it says "michel jaksone tour 1985". you like miael jaksone matt? some say to tony" how on this earth can you like this michael jaksone, he has a plastic face and is a dirty man with the childs tony!?" i say say to them " "SHUT YOUR FACE OR I WILL KILL YOU!!!!WHO CARES ABOUT ONE STUPID CHILD!!!!!!HE CANNOT MOONWALK!! there are MANY CHILDREN but ther is only one MIKAEL JAKSONE". that shuts up ther faces always
anyway mister matt, you will be dressd as scool girl like briterny spear. you have big chest and golden hair tied in pigs tail. you have no underwears on. you approach tony and you say "oh please sir, please sir, iam lost and all alone and very scared, will you help me sir?" and i say "yes of couse iwill little lady, would you like to see a litle baby cat?" and you say " OH YES PLEASE I LOVE THE BABY CATs, I LOVE THE BABY CATs!! THEY ARE SO HAIRY!. but where is it?????". i say "it is over there little lady, in the bushes" then we got to bushes and there is no baby cat hahahaha!!!!!! then we both take clothing away and dance naked and sing "MAN, I FEEL LIKe A WOMAN" by celine diones. then i go to my death mister matt, oh what a shame! after my life is gone you must cover your body in the blood, go on your nees and sing the whole song "yesterday, all m,y trouble seem so far away" by beatels. and then it is all over. i think afterwords you may be in trouble mister matt, because you have no clothes, you are cover in blood and you are singing very loud, sad song. people may think this is slightly strange behavor, mister matt. so maybe you have to get away fast, otherwise you be in prison bein sexed all day by fat man.
3000 yens and free lady scool uniofrom ( ihave many. i am colecter) ok?
Mr Wang, thank you for your prompt payment. Here is a copy of our business plan outlining your excruciating yet glorious exit into the netherworld-
1.Meet you by the train station,
3.No underwears on
5.I LOVE THE BABY CATs!! THEY ARE SO HAIRY!.
6.Bludgeon client beyond recognition with 2 blunt chopsticks.
8.Yesterday, all m,y trouble seem so far away" by beatels
9.Cover body in the blood.
10.Board the 11.24 southbound train.
As you see we have a couple of minor details to work through. My staff and I will rendevouz at an undisclosed Karaoke bar today to drill me for my rendition of celine diones version of the Japanese national anthem as per your request. Feel free to join us!
If you have any further queries please sift through either of our websites-
2002-12-01, 06:02 PM
Mr Wang, 2 months have passed. Glad you changed your mind about your death plans!! It was all an elaborate set up/Eye over Springfield cameo plan. (My pseudonym was the innocuous crowd-blending-in"Matt"...)