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  • Gaigin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

    My husband came to Japan from New York City a month before my arrival. I was greeted by a changed man obsessed with his new life especially the all night partying and new found preference for Japanese women. Old story with Western men, I am told. Also told that 90% of marriages like mine (no kids, I have no job) end up in divorce. Anyone with personal or other experience and advice for a woman who has chosen to try to stick it out awhile, get a job teaching, and developing own social circle separate from our mutual friends? I have been used to the Wall Street Banker hours and late night drinking for years. This is a new obsession. Should I just leave and cut my losses or follow my plan to establish myself, and hope he will eventually come out of it when the novelty wears off. The fact that Japan caters to men's needs primarily and the attitude Gaigin men take toward their situation, like a kid in a candy store to some.....makes me wonder if I am wasting my time. Any advice welcomed.

  • #2
    Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

    I'm afraid your husband has a case of 'Yellow Fever'. An addiction to Japanese women. Quite common as you may notice by looking at the 'Men Seeking Women' pages in the personals section of metropolis.co.jp

    He is, in effect, married to Japan now! I've even met 'happily married' western guys who have several Japanese girls on the side! No cure I'm afraid. The men blame western women, aggressive, money-grabbing etc...

    There must be some women who you could turn to for support. No use trying to change him. As you've no kids, you've nothing to bargain with. He's in p*ssy heaven with a good job and plenty of beer. That's all guys like him need.

    Dunno what the stats are on men who marry Japanese women they meet doing the 'flesh-run' but I bet the failure rate is quite high. Some would say the women they chase are scheming but I think they're gullible to think that they've found perfection in their western hero. As soon as he's bored or she begins to lose her looks/figure, he'll be back in the clubs/bars.

    Dump him girl! Wedding vows mean nothing to him.

    Comment


    • #3
      Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

      I'm afraid your husband has a case of 'Yellow Fever'. An addiction to Japanese women. Quite common as you may notice by looking at the 'Men Seeking Women' pages in the personals section of metropolis.co.jp

      He is, in effect, married to Japan now! I've even met 'happily married' western guys who have several Japanese girls on the side! No cure I'm afraid. The men blame western women, aggressive, money-grabbing etc...

      There must be some women who you could turn to for support. No use trying to change him. As you've no kids, you've nothing to bargain with. He's in p*ssy heaven with a good job and plenty of beer. That's all guys like him need.

      Dunno what the stats are on men who marry Japanese women they meet doing the 'flesh-run' but I bet the failure rate is quite high. Some would say the women they chase are scheming but I think they're gullible to think that they've found perfection in their western hero. As soon as he's bored or she begins to lose her looks/figure, he'll be back in the clubs/bars.

      Dump him girl! Wedding vows mean nothing to him.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

        Thanks for the advice Thomasina. I have to make a decision soon. I cannot live like this much longer. Are you speaking from personal experience, or observation? I'm just curious. I'd like to hear someone else's story. My problem other than the obvious is I have no one here, and cannot turn to family back in New York. All my money was spent years ago, he controls all $$$ here. All of my belongings were shipped here. If and when I leave I go with only what I can carry. That is a hell of a situation for a woman in her late forties. By the way, the problem with my husband begins with alcoholism, depression, obsession with pornography, massage parlors etc. No one woman. I believe he's to selfish to "share" himself in a relationship. He has always been selfish and admits it. Alcohol and "yellow fever", as well as meeting new people all the time who do not know his flaws......that is how he runs from himself. His own version of Prozac. I know him, I am a constant reminder of of reality, so he is out 6 nights a week. I get one night. I run his household, pay all the bills etc. He does not have a clue as to what it is like to handle those things. When I go, he will have to get someone to show him how to operate the washer/dryer, and will only learn about bills in Japan as each utility is turned off. I am talking NO clue. That is probably why he hasn't said "just go" when I threaten him. His family thinks he will hit bottom and hopes I stick around to pick up the pieces. Once I am really convinced there is no hope and feel I have made the right decision. I will go. The situation is just made worse by my being here in Japan. If we were home in New York, still had my career and friends it would be alot easier to just walk. I think he knows that and takes full advantage of his upper hand here. But I can only take so much, so it is a just a matter of time. My being ready....for myself. By the way, my question about stats on marriage was about Western marriages, not Gaigin-Japanese. Any comments on that? Either from you or anyone else who's reading. Again, Thanks Thomasina for taking the time to answer.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

          I knwo many japanese women are going out with married western men.
          In fact, friend of mine was very happy to meet those men to just having fun. But we don`t think their western hero and do think A man has a lot different manner. As you say , might be they are yellow fever but I think wherever men go , they tend to have some girls and think we are piece of meat it`s common sence. If your husband has been an addiction to japanese women, he could be getting into any racial girls. don`t blame japanese . sounds like you are a looser. Face the problem that between you and your husband.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

            Mia, I NEVER blamed the Japanese women first of all. And you have got a lot to learn. It is the HUSBAND and women who date married men who are the LOSERS in any culture. My Japanese girlfriends would never date a married man especially a western one who is Definitely using them. They have more respect for themselves. It sounds like you are associating with a bad element, get new friends. If you are one of them GET A LIFE and have more self respect. My husband cheats, I LEAVE HIM. The wife only loses her heart when she goes, but gets back her self respect. IN ANY CULTURE. It seems to me you were looking for an excuse to blame the wives of these LOSER CHEATING HUSBANDS.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

              To be honest, I am surprised you came to Japan with him. Before that you should have left...assuming it was easy.

              Was your husband sent to Japan by his company? If so was it a large company? I may sound like an idealist without a sense of reality but firms with proper HR divisions should weed things like this out. Can they offer any assistance? They could be liable too (I sound like my insurance friend...) especially if they had prior knowledge of his tendancies/problems. You can sue them for destroying your marriage and be financially sound...just a thought.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                All these married gaijin men with Japanese girlfriends, yet this 100% SINGLE unattached gaijin can not meet even one.
                Please throw me a hint.. WHERE to find them?

                Thanks!!!!!!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                  jeanne, you should not be up set like that. and I have got friends who are having fun with those men but I don`t and I won`t and I have a great life I made on my own. and You can not prejudge those girls are all wrong in any culture . like if there is a doctor, there should be a patient that means someone should be on a position. (forgive me if my english is poor for you)
                  I do understand what those girls do is wrong but there must be any other reason before this problem has come to you.

                  thomasina
                  First of all, I can not stand word of YELLOW FEVER . this sounds like western women are THE women and you classify others are something else.
                  日本人のこと馬鹿にし過ぎ!!そういう方は日本に来な いでください!!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                    Jeanne

                    Try TELL - Tokyo English Life Life - 03-5774-0992.
                    TELL Counselling Services 03-3498-0231 - by appointment

                    They have both phone service and face-to-face counselling with trained counsellors, and this is a common problem for them to deal with. 100% confidential, and they can also introduce you to other resources. I know - I work with them and support them.

                    From 21+ years of experience of working overseas, not sure if local company HR departments are much use, their usually Japanese staff have little to no interest in dealing with expensive short-term expats' problems, and they employ your husband, not you. Extreme case/ solution would be to ship both of you back. HO office personnel unlikely to admit to poor choice of posting.

                    From experience here, few companies would interfere/ advise with your marriage problems, and and to try to sue them is a joke. Their lack of a complete orientation to Japan is unfortunate, but they are hardly likely to counsel on dangers of local women, which could apply anywhere in the world, not just here.

                    Agree with Mia that "Yellow fever" is an unnecessary comment, as it can happen in any country, and the problem seems to be your husband's attitude, not the local ladies. He could always say no.

                    Again, as above, suggest you try professional counselling.

                    Richard




                    And Carl
                    Get off the internet and get a life. No wonder you cannot find friends if you spend your time glued to the PC monitor, moaning to everyone. Learn (again) how to communicate face-to-face with real people.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                      Obviously wanting to hear other people's stories if in same situation escalated to this insanity. Oh, and by the way I do have professional help. SB, personal problems escalate in new settings if you are trying to run from yourself in a lot of cases. Husband is a functioning alcoholic. Few people know of his problems. For anyone else. I have no problems or prejudices against Japanese women. If you want to continue this argument. Please leave me out of it. My marital problems are not even ABOUT infidelity. Thank you......and I am FINISHED!!!!!!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                        When I was in Tokyo, I was given a guided tour of the Roppongi district. That appears to be the place where the guys go for 'entertainment'.

                        Japanese men use it to go to be 'entertained' by westerm women. It's where, I'm sure you remember, Lucy Blackman was abducted last year sometime.

                        No surprise then that HIV/AIDS is making its presence felt in Japan.

                        Some of the clubs which advertise in the English language mags have girls just waiting to be picked up. Seems to be a mini industry.

                        Mind you, it's the same in Thailand/Singapore etc....

                        There's even a book advertised in Hiragana Times magazine entitled 'how to pick up women- Japanese girls are so easy', no joke. Seems to be a way of life.

                        It's also an open secret that Japan's the place to go for easy women. NOT for the culture as many tell their freinds/relatives back home!

                        When the Japanese women realise that he's good for them, he'll be left alone and washed up. Just a matter of time........

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                          Thanks for stating the facts Derry. It is a generalization but I have to tell you we live in ROPPONGI. For some men it is alcohol 24-7, and eye candy for miles. That is my husbands' problem already being an alcoholic and voyeur(he likes to look). Did not take much to try to lose himself in it. By the way, HE is the one who educated ME on what is available....so anyone out there with a problem......blame him, not me!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                            Roppongi! What a pile of c r a p! Have you ever been outside to those places? Your post says "appears" and "seems" in many places. Don't you know anything? This is like a 15 year-old article from a coffee table guide, travel magazine, or an old book by Boye de Mente. Few real Japanese go to Roppongi, they can't afford it. But they have Shinjuku, Ikebukuro, Yoshiwara, Kawasaki and Chiba and a whole host of other places surrounding their local stations if they want sex. A few of the more aware foreigners will venture there, but as language skills and some knowledge of the "fuzoku" are required, most of the Roppongi "Hooray Henry's", diplobrats and expat corporate jerks will not go there. Few Japanese girls want foreigners as customers, they leave that to the Koreans, Chinese, Thais and Filipinas.
                            One white woman goes missing and the tabloids and media scream, while 25-30 Asian girls disappear each year and no-one cares. Ever heard of Watakano Island and Matoya-wan?
                            And as for HIV in Japan, many cases have come from Japanese men screwing around Asia without condoms, and bringing it back home to their wives and friends. The professional girls know better than to risk their health, while Japanese girls on holiday are the second largest "at-risk" group here, as their knowledge of their bodies and STDs is very weak.
                            Every country and all towns have their "redlight districts", for "entertainment", but Roppongi is just for the gullible G&T expense account types, dumb "tarento" and sports jocks, witless travel writers and a few rich "International" Japanese.
                            Get with it!
                            Not so naive nor PC husband who returns home to his wife at nights!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                              Roppongi was merley used in the context of this thread. (turns out the starter of the thread lives there) No geography lesson needed. The context also had nothing to do with 'real Japanese' either, whatever they are!

                              The statement about HIV/AIDS was just that, not a statement about its origins within Japan.

                              The abduction of Lucy Blackman was used to place Roppongi in the mind as it's now famous for that incident.

                              Comment

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