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  • John Cleese's "Letter to America"

    I think the guy is a genius. This is pretty funny.


    Letter from John Cleese

    Dear America

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
    your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
    Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
    states,
    commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
    fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
    America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
    Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
    year
    to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
    British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
    immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
    look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You
    will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
    'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
    letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
    levels. (look up vocabulary).

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
    as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
    adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
    elimination of -ize.

    You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen".

    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. It will be
    replaced by Empire Day: 24 May.

    You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
    or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
    shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
    be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
    without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
    up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
    own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit
    will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
    for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
    we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
    will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
    time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
    of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
    understand the British sense of humour.

    The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
    calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
    chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
    animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
    to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
    be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
    Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
    further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
    guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
    English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
    in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
    ears removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
    in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
    American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
    twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
    nancies).

    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
    an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
    outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
    world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
    monies due (backdated to 1776). Anyone not complying will be deported
    to Kansas.

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    John

  • #2
    Ha ha ha! That is great! Is that for real? When did John write this letter and to whom?

    One thing is for sure, no-one can take the ____ like Cleese. He can be a real mean _______ when he wants, just ask his American ex-wife!

    I haven't seen the sceptic tanks slaughtered like that since Pear Harbour:-)
    Last edited by sankokujin; 2005-10-29, 11:11 AM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Not sure. This isn't the first time Cleese has taken the ____ out of America, and that English wit is certainly like his.

      However some people say he didn't actually write it. In any case, its funny.

      Just hope American GPers dont take it too seriously.
      Last edited by JayJay; 2005-10-29, 11:23 AM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Jay Jay - where did you come across it if you don't mind me asking?

        Comment


        • #5
          On another forum I visit, but its doing the rounds across the whole net I think.

          http://www.shihad.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3019

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks. I hope the seppos take it in good spirit on GP, although I bet some flag-waving Dubya-lovin' patriot (the type who wear white socks with shorts in summer) has apoplexy.

            Comment


            • #7
              Lame.

              Letter is a hoax. Stop perpetuating bull____e.

              http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

              And as for the white socks and shorts in the summer comment...you kidding? Limeys are notorious for their black socks and Tevas when on "holiday."

              Are you Brits EVER going to get over the whole Revolution/Empire crumbling/WW II ass-saving thing? Its embarassing already.

              But I do appreciate you guys waxing and refueling our planes for the Iraq war.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by sankokujin
                Thanks. I hope the seppos take it in good spirit on GP, although I bet some flag-waving Dubya-lovin' patriot (the type who wear white socks with shorts in summer) has apoplexy.
                We caught one. Hook line and sinker!

                GG I know it probably is a hoax. Still funny and enough to bait you.

                ps Im not a Brit.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by rei
                  Letter fromTerry Jones (of Monty Python fame) Sunday January
                  26, 2003 The Observer.
                  England.

                  I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidenceof a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic

                  firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

                  That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife andchildren. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

                  Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozensof other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
                  Christ, he wrote that BEFORE the actual invasion of Iraq and subsequent failure to locate WMD. Seems old Terry knew the whole 'he's got WMD' claim was a farce concocted to give Bush a fig leaf of justification for his illegal invasion when many around the world were still prepared to give Dubya the benfit of the doubt.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by rei
                    Yes, strangely the British press have been reluctant to print any more letters from him since- I can't think why in these days of freedom and liberty, with Mr. Blair as PM- DOH!
                    Blair has increasingly centralised power in the UK with a rash of anti-terror legislation that is making the executive branch of government unaccountable. In particular, the police seem to love him as he's basically given them the green light to shoot-first-ask-questions later, a la America. Just see what happened to that poor Brazilian bloke who was gunned down in the London tube. Apparently there'll be the obligatory 'independent ' investigation. Independent my arse... Anytime a national leader is popular with the police force you should be worried...

                    Plus, he'd napalm an orphanage if Dubya told him to.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Enough America bashing already. It's not fun anymore. What goes around comes around Dubya's cabinet is getting a reshuffle forced upon it with Scooter Libby out and Rove hopefully on the short list.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by rei
                        Letter fromTerry Jones (of Monty Python fame) Sunday January
                        26, 2003 The Observer.
                        England.

                        I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidenceof a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic

                        firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

                        That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife andchildren. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

                        Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozensof other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
                        Classic. John Cleese may be a hoax but this is the real deal. Funny how putting things on a smaller scale makes them clearer.

                        Thanks Rei.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by eigonosenseisan
                          Enough America bashing already. It's not fun anymore. What goes around comes around Dubya's cabinet is getting a reshuffle forced upon it with Scooter Libby out and Rove hopefully on the short list.
                          WTF are you talking about? I was bashing Blair, not America. I would have thought the use of the initials 'UK' more than implied that.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Hang on there I didn't mean to upset anyone. I wasn't referring to sankokujin's comments about Tony Blair.
                            I was in fact referring to the John Cleese letter itself which was REALLY funny even if it is a fake but seemed to be having a go at Americans which IMHO is just no fun anymore. But if the colonials must be put in their place I think the Independant MP George Galloway is just the man to do it. In fact, I think George Galloway should be the Blair appointed Govenor for America.
                            http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/4553601.stm#

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by JayJay
                              Classic. John Cleese may be a hoax but this is the real deal. Funny how putting things on a smaller scale makes them clearer.

                              Thanks Rei.
                              Or does putting them on a small scale just make it EASIER to understand? Cause the whole Iraq war can be taken in only one context. And thats the whole picture. Not analogies, or metaphors, or smaller scales. As it is.

                              Hows this for small scale:

                              Sure, last week I barged into Mr. Sullivans house, took all his belongings and turned his wife and daughter into my own personal slaves. Im bigger than him so its not like he could have done a whole lot to stop me. I can understand why Mr. Sullivan would be angry about that. But then, with no dignity at all, he keeps jumping out of the bushes and kicking me in my arse and then running away. I never know when its coming, but every once and a while "WOOMP" right in the keaster. After a while of this going on, my arse got sore so I decided to give Mr. Sullivan back half his house and his wife. I kept the other half and the daughter so she could keep it clean for me and cook me my meals. i thought this would be enough to make Mr. Sullivan happy, I mean fair is fair right? But no, the _______ keeps kicking me in the arse when I least expect it. So to make sure Mr. Sullivan behaves himself, I am going to build a wall around his part of the house and send old Mr. Bumblesworth over a few times a day to punch him and his wife in the face. Im sure that will keep Mr. Sullivan in line.

                              This sound familiar to you Brits? Gosh, its so much clearer and easier to digest when you put it in a small scale like that.

                              Comment

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