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The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

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  • The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?


    I have a Japanese girlfriend, whom I would like to marry to one day in the future. Although I do want to raise a family, my main purpose of marrying my girlfriend will be because I love her more than anything in this world.

    One thing which I wonder about though, is this concept of the Japanese marriage which seems to be evoked in a lot of posts that once married, the husband of a Japanese woman is simply expected to become the bread earner for his wife and their children, and all the love etc. which seemed to have built the relationship in the first place disappears completely (i.e. romance, even sex etc.).

    While I do not want to stereotype and I am conscious that this happens in any relationship/marriage around the globe, I hear it more about Japanese marriages.

    How true do you think this is? Am I a fool to even think about these issues? Anyone has had any experience on the topic?

  • #2
    Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

    This world weary broadcaster is no misogynist but ALL WOMEN ARE AGENTS OF SATAN ASSUMING HUMAN FORM AS THEY WALK AMONG US ensnaring those of us who are dashing, debonair and suave with their beguiling charms.

    Seriously though, your fears are well grounded. Marriage is a sh__tty institution. Kent has first hand experience from the jaws of hell itself. And I`ve seen it in many relationships. Many women want The Security Thing.

    Of course if you love each other that much you can make it work. Just tell her all the stuff you typed in your post. She might just lie through her teeth to you and tell you what she thinks you want to hear but at least she`ll know your fears...

    "One sausage in your hand is better than ten on the roof"


    • #3
      Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

      Mr Brockman,
      some people do have genuine fears and worries in this world. So DO Shut up!

      To the original post: Chris, you hear more about the Japanese marriage here because most people on this site who live in Japan and they experience the Japanese "lifestyle". If you go to any other site in the relationship section you will see postings about troubled marriage all around the world. So I do not think it's about the Japanese.
      I am from Europe and I do work in Tokyo in a bank.( Yes! Mr Brockman I am a banker-W*nker). On average I do work about 12-14 hours a day but have done days where I go home just to have a shower and go back to work. For the time being I am single and have no kids but in the future if I want a family and want to spend some time with them I have to options 1) go back home to London-UK where we work less hours 2) If I stay here I have to find a less demanding career-imposible in Japan. BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY I CAN KEEP UP WITH MY MALE COLLEAGUES OF WORKING STUPID HOURS. I have notice this is the case more or less in Japan with Japanese women in executive positions. That's from what I can see happening in my own working environment.
      Also, if you want to marry you should be prepared for any situation: Even if your partner makes enough money, there is always the posibility that she can lose her job. Do not depend on anyone and be ready to support a family if things go wrong. And that goes for both partners. That's what marriage is all about. Care and understanding.
      Do talk to her and talk about what she thinks she sees herself doing in the future. If she starts talking about kids, house, coffee mornings and Louis Vuitton bags...then you have been warned. Best of luck and talk to her. Just do not marry thinking everything will be alright cause chances are, it won't. Been there, done that.

      P.S. Mr Brockman, I am not a hippy-just eccentric. I suppose compare to you-I am just simple.


      • #4
        Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

        Wait, wait wait, I was being serious! My advice was serious. IT WAS GOOD ADVICE. Without wishing to unduly wind you up, the subject of the thread is "The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman"? And you`re a... European woman? Kent Brockman has been married to a Japanese woman since roughly the DAWN OF TIME ITSELF. Not that that makes me any sort of authority. Women will always be an indecipherable riddle to this Loathsome Lothario.


        • #5
          Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

          Ok, let me get this straight! What is the problem with me being a European? I do live in Japan and I do have Japanese girlfriends. I do see how difficult it is here for a woman to have a semi-decent career with the working hours they do here. Hence alot of them do not work after marriage and kids. I don't believe that all Japanese women all they want to do is stay at home, go shopping ad refuse sex just because they are married now. It's not as easy to work here as it is in Europe or US (cause I have worked there too!). I am not an expert but from I have gathered here in Gaijinpot threads is that "the Japanese woman tries to find a man to keep her in designer gear for the rest of her life". Well, in my humble opinion that is not always the case.

          Are you still married Brockman or should I say Mr Gaspanic debaucher? By the way you don't look very old to have been married since the dawn of time!


          • #6
            Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

            HOLY CRAP, you`re not serious about that terrifying photo are you? You don`t think that`s really me do you? That whole thread was joke! I`m 33 not 23.

            I have no problem at all with you being a European woman. You told me to "SHUT UP" yet you have no experience being married to a Japanese woman? So how is your advice superior to what I posted?

            "I am not an expert but from I have gathered here in Gaijinpot threads is that "the Japanese woman tries to find a man to keep her in designer gear for the rest of her life". Well, in my humble opinion that is not always the case".

            -I agree! My long-suffering wife is a case in point.

            too many posts... must shut... down compu___


            • #7
              Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

              We said no swearing!
              I was joking when I said you don't look old. You seem to take the ____ out of everyone. But I believe what I said before. That not all women are the same. No I haven't been married to a Japanese woman but I don't think my Japanese girlfriends are lying to me or my myopia is going through the roof than I can not see what is going on around me in my working enviroment.

              Keep up the good work, I enjoy your threads. And by the way, I am very well brought up and extremely well educated so I do not swear and I do not tell people to shut up. Just for the record. Have to do some work.


              • #8
                Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                About your thread Chris-
                I'm working on a hypothesis about the intercultural marriage (or more specificaly Japan-American). There are legitimate cultural challenges that come up,but these can be eaisly overcome if you're serious. Perhaps the real danger lies in what we choose to be a problem. For example, if you settle in Japan, the environment is such that there will be more chances to cheat on your wife. But this is also because of other factors, i.e. no friends, no language, culture shock, transient gaijin crowd, etc. I think it kind of hyper-accelaerates issues that you have to face in yourself that you would normaly have a generous amount of time to deal with back home. A lot of marriages back home, and intercultural marriages, go belly up for 'standard' reasons -intercultural marriages just give you alot more things to blame it on. My $0.02


                • #9
                  Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                  "A man is only as faithful as his options" (Chris Rock)

                  Thought it was stupid when I first heard it. Now I`m a believer.


                  • #10
                    Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                    Many of the asian-western intercultural marriages go belly-up as once the sex has stopped, there is nothing in common. Depending where the couple settle, one party usually fails to integrate into the local area, and when the tension rises, they have no outlets for it. Have seen 25 years of this since post-Vietnam era with Thais and Filipinas, to more modern times with Japanese and Chinese, to mention but a few.

                    When you add on language and communication, differences in education, social mores, culture, upbringing, extended family expectations and pressures, work and bureaucratic issues, diet, hygiene, housing, children: it is amazing that some relationships last as long as they do. Often it is one party who sacrifices themself for the sake of the relationship.


                    • #11
                      Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                      Hey Chris,

                      Best of luck mate, whatever you decide. I think there is a particular truth to any stereotype, but it is never general. But some of the above comments do ring true--Chris Rock's keen observation for sure. Regardless of charm or looks, a western male has far more temptations in Japan--especially teachers sitting in little boxes with a hot young ladies. How often do high school girls show up on your doorstep in the west, or invite themselves over--in Japan any bloke can be Dicaprio. Then again, how many high school girls are prostituting themselves in the west. With so little to engage a young man, in terms of substance, what else is he to do but let his mind wander, and where the mind and imagination wander, so do the loins. That is perfectly natural--in such extreme circumstances. As with all cheating, it's all in the situations you put yourself in. In Japan that's the difficulty, locating yourself in a somewhat natural setting, where you're not loved or loathed simply for your visa stamp or skin color.

                      I'm a western male, married to a Japanese woman for one year this month. Since our marriage we have lived for 6 mo's in Japan, and now 6 mo's in my home country. I second the opinion above that stacks the deck against a successful intercultural marriage within Japan--the idea that the odds of success are far greater, for many of the reasons mentioned. I do feel that if you attempt to make a solid effort to integrate yourself in the society, learning the language and avoiding the typical gaijin crowds you will do ok, but that all depends on the girl. And we all know that a foreigner being truly accepted in Japan is a myth--it can never be. Individuals, my lovely in-laws, yes, but as a society, it will take decades more. My wife (we also dated for 2 & a half years pre marriage) has her own ambitions, so her becoming a housewife with no identity independent of her children or breadwinning hubby is never a risk. But this is especially true in a western country where such a woman's role is expected. Men of my generation may be temporarily enamored with a woman whose primary purpose is domestic upkeep, looking good, and being there for a little raburabu, but I think that ultimately loses its appeal. I personally can't respect the "Happy Day's" Mom--our cultural lens obsures our appreciation of any other society--objectivity is impossible.

                      As for marriage as an institution being invalid--I can respect that point of view. If my wife could have moved here without the marriage we might have opted against the step.



                      • #12
                        Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                        Just interested in knowing what sex `Ophelia` is. In my humble opinion somebody with that name, even if only a nickname, is a female. So please tell us where you are coming from?

                        You mentioned you have had and have a Japanese girlfriend. Why would a man have such a pen-name? You`re a woman, aren`t you? So are you a gay woman irritated at men`s comments on this topic or a straight woman pretending to be a man to have an argument with some of the posters? Or do you swing both ways?

                        I don`t think Ophelia is a man. If you are a woman who has that kind of experience with Japanese women then maybe this is the wrong thread. It`s about marriage between men and women!


                        • #13
                          Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                          Not wanting to answer for Ophelia, but when i read her comments, i got the impression that she has conversations with her japanese female friends, and they talk about their marriages and relationships, and that her understanding of what her friends say is different to the general feeling you get from reading the threads in here, where the men either glory in how easy it is to get a girlfriend and how much easier they are to get along with (as opposed to foreign women) and then on the other hand complain about how (or in other cases seek to understand why) their girlfriend/wife now wont have sex with them and just sees them as the financial provider for their shopping lifestyle. The original poster is looking for more information and trying to avoid stereotypes, and as a foreign woman working with and talking with japanese women, she surely gets different information to what a foreign man generally gets. I think she was trying to show that the women she knows generally dont confirm the stereotype. And Chris asked for anyone's experience....

                          My foreign male friends (3 of them) who have married Japanese women have not experienced the kind of problems that Chris described, but two of them have had problems with their wives becoming extremely jealous of anything/anyone outside the marriage, and consequently trying to limit their activities with other people. I have lost those two guys as friends now, because their wives refuse to accept that i, and all of their other friends male and female, are not a threat to their marriage. Im not sure how to deal with this. The thing is, it happens with my japanese male friends too.

                          Anyone else had this experience?


                          • #14
                            Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                            Perhaps Ophelia has been watching those extraordinary American talk shows on which women with (randomly?) punctuated forenames exchange insults and sometimes, excitingly, blows. Sometimes female audience members will call female guests 'girlfriend' in their shouted comments from the floor. Below is an example of how this might happen.

                            [Guest] Sha'nua: "If he wuz ma husben, aah'd tell him to haul his sorry ass. I telled ma man: you beat, you cheat, you hit the street".

                            Amply proportioned member of studio audience: "You go, girlfriend!"

                            Unless I've wildly misread the dynamic of these exchanges this is an expression of support, and of female solidarity, and implies no (existing or hoped for) lesbian relationship between the two parties.


                            • #15
                              Re: The truth about marriage with a Japanese woman?

                              EXCUSE ME? Now, honestly are you serious? You think that I have the opinions I have because you think I am gay? Or just for the reasons of female solidarity? I was just stating the facts that I know! The facts that I have to deal with on everyday basis. I do not know many women in Japan except my female friends so I cannot say that what I know represents the opinion of the entire female Japanese population. It's just obvious to women on- at least-my profession that having a career and a family it's not possible. Most of them stop work when they have kids. I do not think you can work 12-14 hours a day and raise a kid at the same time, now do you?
                              Another question: If Japanese women are that bad and devious and two-faced until you marry them, so why do you continue coming here in Japan, chasing after them non-stop and then marrying them? Why don't you pick a western woman with opinions and plans to continue work after marriage and having kids? We are not all tall and fat and ugly and badly dressed! Now, tell me.