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how to keep the fire burning?

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  • how to keep the fire burning?

    The ever present and somehow annoying Ophelia has been ordered by her boss to leave Japan as of end of April to move to another position in another country. After nearly 4 years here and being totaly in love with Japan and particularly with a totaly insane and lovable Jman I do not want to leave. I tried to change my bosses mind by threatening to leave the company and live in an ashram somewhere in India but nothing worked. Me having a job in Nova or any other English teaching school is not possible, my japanese are fairly poor to compete on the same level as someone with my qualifications and getting married to stay here is as ridiculous as it sounds, so what is there for me to do?
    To cut a very long story a tad shorter my question is; How do I keep the fire burning in a relationship? We have been together for nearly two years and we are absolutely besotted with each other. But me moving somewhere else to continue working and visiting Japan on business trips 4 times a year and coming here for my holidays would it be enough to keep a relationship going? His position is also similar and following me around the world is not possible. I know the same question would come up in every female publication around the world but has anyone has any similar experience that would kindly like to share with me? Has anyone had a relationship with a J man, or woman for that matter, that they continued to have from a distance? Unfortunately my new position is in US and visiting for the weekend is not possible.
    I have announced the news to my boyfriend and he thinks we can work around it but I honestly do not know what to do? Of course, I want to continue being with him but is it possible to do so?

  • #2
    Re: how to keep the fire burning?

    I have the impression that you don't LOVE this like him a lot after two years of sharing experineces but that's it...! Go to the U.S. and get another life....


    • #3
      Re: how to keep the fire burning?

      If you do truly love each other then you can make this work.
      You can write and telephone each other.Keep in constant contact.
      Remember the good times that you spent together and plan
      for the time when you will be together again.
      When you are together,cherish every moment,and when you are apart
      cherish all those moments that you were together.
      You can make this work but it is difficult.
      I was in the same situation,and fortunately for me it did work out.
      Don't give up hope!


      • #4
        Re: how to keep the fire burning?

        Hmmm, you are totally in love with this guy yet you're interested in joining J-guy lovers' club to help you meet guys?? Something doesn't sound right...

        I lived apart from my (then) Japanese boyfriend twice before we got married, for a total of about 2 years. But my experience is a bit different from yours- I didn't have any sort of career when I came- I was just here to travel, possibly work and save enough money to continue traveling throughout Asia. So it wasn't a company transfer that made me leave, it was a lack of a visa. After I met my guy I stayed for 6 months on tourist visas, and when my money ran out I worked. As a hostess. THAT'S how much I wanted to stay! And when I coulnd't continue renewing my tourist visa, I went home and got working holiday visa and came back to work at NOVA and take private students.
        I was just so sure that this was a guy worth keeping that I would have worked pretty much anywhere to be near him.

        So your refusal to work at Nova sounds strange to me. That must be one hell of a job for you to put it before your guy. Will this be your career for life? If so, if you decide to marry this guy will he agree to follow you where ever this company decides to transfer you to? Or will you eventually quit and settle in Japan? If so, why not quit now and take whatever job you can get so you can be near him? (Having fallen in love with a man from a faraway country, these are the kinds of questions you'll have to get used to. Because eventually at least one of you will have to make big sacrifices.)

        Our time apart was really really tough. The first time we hadn't made a real commitment so it was awful wondering if one or both of us would lose interest by the time we were together again. The second time there was a commitment, which at least gave me some kind of assurance but actually made things harder.

        So you should decide where you stand on this relationship. If you aren't both ready to commit then there's no reason to stay, and you can go home with the hope that you and your guy will stay together but with an open mind to other possibilities. If you are ready to commit, then get ready for a tough time.
        You'll have to watch your precious youth slowly fade away, unnoticed by anyone (excpet co-workers and friends who take pity on you and constantly try to change your mind and set you up with eligible guys) and when you turn down other guys' offers you'll sometimes wonder what the hell you're doing wasting your life waiting for some guy thousands of miles away doing who knows what. You'll have to either become celibate or live with the guilt of cheating. You'll worry what HE'S doing. You'll become fairly adept at phone sex. You'll be lonely.

        But then again, you'll have at least four visits a year, which we didn't have. That's a lot! And you have the internet, which helps. And as a plus, your relationship won't get old and dull- each time you visit will feel just like when you were first dating. You know, the tingly, butterflies-in-your-stomach new love mixed with raging list kind of feeling.

        So anyway, like Shonai Ben said, if you truly love each other then you can make this work. Just make sure he's the one before you make any big decisions.

        Good luck.


        • #5
          Re: how to keep the fire burning?

          First thing:the fact that I said I wanted to join the J-guys lovers club was just a joke. He is reading my posts and laughs at them. He knows I would not take it any further. In a twisted sense of humour he finds it funny that I like J-men so much. He is one of them you see. He doesn't throws tandrums if he sees me joking like that. He is sure about me and my feelings for him as much as I am about him.

          Second, I do love this guy. The fact that I didn't mention that I love him to the post is because I didn't feel it it was appropriate to throw the "i love you"s around. We know we love each other we discuss it and we feel secure in this relationship.

          Third, it is a hell of a job. This is what I always wanted to do (I work in banking) and it took me some time, extremely long hours and dedication to be where I am now and earn what I am earning at my age ( I am 29) and actually enjoying every minute of this job.
          Fourth, I do not know the rules exactly but since I am not from an English speaking country (I hold an Italian passport) it makes things complicated for me to work in Nova or anywhere else. Even though I graduated from a very good British university.

          And that is the question? We both have extremely good jobs that we both worked hard for. He is also in banking for a different company. I was not prepared for this you know! I always thought I would have the job I was dreaming of and my family with a loving husband and juggle the lot. I know typical woman you will say. I never believed in a million years that I would arrive here to 'tide up' some dimwits mistakes and realising I was working better with the Japanese businessmen than anyone else in world. (surprisingly) So, I decided to stay to organise an office. The next think I know I am moving up in the hierachy in my company as an Asia-Pacific expert and meet, quite frankly, the man of my dreams. The office was established and I thought that was it and that I found my niche. Now, I have to do the same thing in West Coast, use my Japanese connections and establish a new office. For how long? Only God knows!

          Someone has to make big sacrifices and I don't know who should it be. One of us will have to in the end, if we want this relationship to work but I am scared if the "sacrificed" one would feel resentful. I am scared of myself, you see, more than anything. So, I quit my job, marry him (live with him) and let him support me until I find something to do. Would I feel resentful in the end for quitting my job? Would he feel the same?

          Mind you, this is my first relationship that I thought: "Yes! I could see myself grow old with this guy." He is ready to commit but he also respects the effort I had to put to be where I am career-wise. So, he doesn't want to pressurise me into anything. I respect that. I feel exactly the same, Yes! I desperately want to be with him but I also don't want to pressurise him into a "It's me or your job" situation.
          So, the only solution would be to continue this from a far for some time until one of us, and it would probably have to be me (why? I don't know. I suppose in my case feminism didn't have much effect), quits to continue being together. I short of know what is going to happen but I just need some reassurance that everything is going to be fine in the end. Thank you


          • #6
            Re: how to keep the fire burning?

            i came to japan as an exchange studen about two years ago, i met the greatest guy outside of school, like 5 years older than me, but we totally clicked. i could barely speak a word of japanese but he could speak alittle english and we tryed to date. but it just naturally fell apart. the language barrier was too much. i went back to canada and i wrote him and he emailed me and we were still friends but after 6 months apart...we lost touch. i managed to get a working holiday visa and went back to the same town i was in as an exchange student, my best friend lives here and stuff so i wanted to hang out with her again. back in this town i met up with my old `boyfriend` we clicked, after a few months language wasnt such a big problem and we got back together. weve been together over 5 months now....he decided he wants to come to canada. now hes living in nagoya, working at one of those car factories saving money to come to canada. im stuck in hokkaido working at a seicomart....we email and phone and plane ti meet up in 3 weeks in tokyo in goldne week (we haven seen each other in about 3 months) and i guess thats all we can do. all i know is that i wanna be with him and he says the same. i guess all you can do in a long distance relationship is trust the person hope they trust you and maybe itll work out....i mean if you have to seperate there isnt really anything you can do. but i think if you planned for something bigger then it would be easier to keep you hope....if you just planned visiting in holidays it would seem like a relationship to me....if you planned to visit for holidays till one of you sacrificed a job or a way of life for each other...planned to do something big like get married or something. then having something to look forward to like that would help keep the fires burning i think. but if it was just a unpredictable future of ill visit in the spring and go home and im not sure....and neither of you are might be hard to keep beleiving your partner.....but thats just how i feel?


            • #7
              Re: how to keep the fire burning?

              All right, all right, you love your guy. I believe you. I was mostly kidding when I questioned that, but sorry all the same!

              I think you're right, the only thing you can do is go to the US, enjoy your job, and put up with a long distance relationship for as long as you can until one or both of you decides to quit. Between you and your husband, I think you'll have lots of opportunities- I'm guessing you're both at least bi-lingual, highly educated and well traveled. And with this new transfer, you'll have had working or living experience in four countries (or am I missing somewhere)? Which means once you decide to settle down, you'll have so many choices (assuming your boyfriend doesn't insist on staying in Japan).
              I totally envy that!

              And if you do end up quitting to stay in Japan with your guy, don't worry- everything WILL be fine in the end! Even if you can't find a job in your field (and why shouldn't you, with your successful track record), a spouse visa will go a long way in overcoming poor Japanese ability or non-native English speaker status. It IS possible to find work teaching English- maybe not at NOVA, but then why would you want to work there anyway?

              In the meantime, be strong and find a good long-distance plan!


              • #8
                Re: how to keep the fire burning?

                I'd go for the job. As you love your job so much, a lot of your love of Japan has stemmed from your positive working experience. If you are unable to find a similar job here, taking some crappy English teaching job just to stay will soon change your perspective and you'd probably resent jacking in your career. You are so many people can truly say that they love their job? If the guy is "the one" (though a jaded old cynic like me thinks that to be an urban myth!) then it'll work out. You could be such a sucess in the States you'll get a little more autonomy over where you are next could then convince them that they need you back in Japan and you'll be valued even more for your flexibilty.

                In the meantime you could both use the distance to truly determine that your relationship is worth someone making a huge sacrifice for.


                • #9
                  Re: how to keep the fire burning?

                  Well, to start, don't worry. If its meant to be, its meant to be. If you must analyze whats happening, look at it this way: you can do it the hard way or the easy way. Keep us posted. -Sunny


                  • #10
                    Re: how to keep the fire burning?

                    Schools like Nova and Berlitz do also offer non-English language classes. IF they won't let you teach English, you could try to get a job teaching Italian?

                    I'm in kind of a similar but vastly different situation (met great guy a year ago while on a student visa, planning to go back not JUST for him but very much hoping he's still interested) Here are a few things I did.

                    I went back to visit--the best if you can afford it. One time it was for only four days but we went on a road trip up to his hometown. The second time it was for a week, and I did some other things like job interviews and seeing friends too, but we had a few dates and they were REALLY special partly BECAUSE we knew that it was only for a few days, and we had to make the most of it.

                    We do things for each other... not so much sending presents, its mainly over email but he found a digital terrain-rendering software and we spent WEEKS trying to make accurate renditions of our hometowns and odd alien planets, sending them back and forth. We send each other songs and help each other translate things--I know my Japanese teachers are better educated, but I use him anyway! We both have digital cameras and take pictures--not only of ourselves but also of just anything funny or unusual that the other would like.

                    I think it also helps to know a few things OTHER THAN ME that he likes, and to keep them in mind. When he doesn't write for a few days, it's because he has a one-track mind and he's writing a song or helping one of his friends or trying to hook some new hardware into his computer... If I think about those things that he DOES like to do, that might prevent him from writing to me, it stops me from getting paranoid that he's with someone else. I think it's REALLY easy to be suspicious when the person isn't THERE with you, but you should know him well enough by now to imagine him doing something he loves, rather than being with another girl.... That's been CRUCIAL to me.

                    I hope it works out for you somehow... there's always a way!


                    • #11
                      Re: how to keep the fire burning?

                      happy trails.