Announcement

Announcement Module
Collapse
No announcement yet.

not dating in japan

Page Title Module
Move Remove Collapse



X
Conversation Detail Module
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • not dating in japan

    Hi. I have issues. I am an Asian non-Japanese woman living in Japan. I can't speak Japanese, but apparently I look Japanese! I am wondering what to do about my lack of friends to go out with and lack of balls to go and ask a Japanese man out on a date. I have met many Japanese men, some of whom I have been attracted to, but something stops me from making the first move. In the cases where a Japanese man has seemed interested in me, I have sort of run away, usually because they think I am 10 years younger than I actually am and when I tell them how old I am, they look at me in disbelief and suddenly I am no longer "date" material. It is starting to make me feel self-conscious about my age. To be honest, I would feel very strange going out with someone 10 years younger than me, even though I would probably not decline a date with a man who was 10 years older than me...
    Anyway, is it OK for a woman to go to a bar alone in Tokyo? How do people perceive this?
    Also, there have been some opinions about dating students (I teach English) but mostly from the perspective ofguys going out with their female studietns. So what do people think about female teachers initiating out-of-school contact with their male students?

  • #2
    Re: not dating in japan

    Dating students is ethically and professionally wrong, no matter what the gender.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: not dating in japan

      Give it a rest Glenski.You don`t have to be a ____ everyday.
      Youlookjapanese,my all time favorite is a social dancing class.I was surprised at how many young`uns go.As you are a woman I would advise you to steer clear of salsa and other types of racey dance because they attract a lot of weirdos looking to cop a free feel up.
      Swing dancing is also brilliant.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: not dating in japan

        Just a small yellow light for you.

        I currently know 4 asian non-japanese married to japanese men.
        2 of them are having a pretty good time (good hubby too)
        2 of them found that their husbands changed dresatically (for the worse) once they are married. One common factor is that these later 2 husbands are of the older age range.

        So, I`d say, stick with the younger men. You have a better chance of getting a balanced relationship going. (Most older guys still have the old Japanese male mindset, and it is very hard on a foreign wife).

        (I am an asian non-japanese male and I have it worse than you to find a date, so, good luck ^^)

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: not dating in japan

          Dating students is ok, as long as you are both adults (ie, your students are not High School kids)

          Speaking of that, what is the age of consent in Japan? 20? That would make it illegal to date college students in their first and second years?

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: not dating in japan

            Have to agree with the good doctor. Two of my friends (ex NOVA teachers) are now happily married to former students. No problems. Who really cares how you meet?

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: not dating in japan

              The Age of consent here is graduated, and seems to depend on relative age difference, but the absolute age of consent is 18. That is why all the porn material has a disclaimer stating that all performers are 18 or older, or so my friends who are into that sort of thing tell me. I hope it's 18. Please, somebody tell me it is....

              20 is the legal voting age.

              Dating students isn't really acceptable, but more than that, it is F'in LAME LAME LAME. Go out, get a life, meet PEEPLE. Unless it's Troo Luuv, of course. That's different.



              Post Edited (12-12-03 17:58)

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: not dating in japan

                You look Japanese, I go to bars by myself sometimes in Japan, but they are usually bars where I know the staff or the regular customers. It is possible to meet men there, but sometimes not the best sorts, but you never know. :-) I personally agree with merc and glenski; I don't think it is professional to date your students. I have never done so, though I know there are LOTS of gaijin men who do. The problem, besides possible awkwardness if things go bad, is that it's hard enough to be taken seriously as an "English Teacher" in Japan. I think the men looking at their students as a dating pool just make the reputation of English teachers worse. It's a job, not a night club!

                That said, if you like one of your students, and you think he likes you, why not invite a whole group of students out somewhere, including him? You may have the opportunity to get to know him better, and if sparks fly, perhaps you can explain that you like him but don't want to be unprofessional. He can always find another English teacher!

                As for the age, I don't know how old you are, but Japanese men can be a little strange about age. If you see the emphasis on youth and "cuteness" here, you can understand that the ideal Japanese female seems to look, act, talk, and dress young. I personally feel that some men, both Japanese and non, are threatened by women over a certain age because they might actually have ideas of their own. (Gasp!) I have found though that the best guys won't care about your age.

                Do you live in Tokyo? If so, please e-mail me off the board. I have other stories I can tell you and other opinions I'd rather not give here. :-) I also am always looking for new girly friends (not for the reasons that the dude thinks) and love to go out on the town sometimes. I can't guarantee that you'll meet any guys if you go out with me, but we'd have fun!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: not dating in japan

                  So, tonight I went out some acquaintances for dinner and drinks -- and I have come to the conclusion that, along with being Japanese, age counts here! As soon as people begin inquiring about age -- and this topic has never failed to come up --- the shock and disbelief begin. Invariably, they all believe me to be 7-10 years younger. "But you don't look...! I don't believe it! But I thought you were... Are you really...?" And then the cute guy gets scared. Tonight: "What? I'm NINE years younger than you?! Impossible!" Well, I suppose I could always lie about my age, but how pathetic. Not interested in beginning with a lie... so I continue along... I know things could be much worse, but... SIGH!!
                  p.s. Of course I am not referring to HS students when I am talking about my students. I mean business people! Adults, damn it!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: not dating in japan

                    I think dating adult students should be absolutely ok with everybody, though don't know if your professional lords will also take kindly to it. Before I ventured, I would want to know the answer to this one if I wished to save my job.

                    And you are right, the age question never fails to come up...even if you are meeting a Japanese for the first time. Some of them had the cheek to ask me about my salary as well...I had to politely dish out that I get enough to eat and drink my beer. I don't think though that asking such questions is right....at times, I just hate it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: not dating in japan

                      For the record, I am not totally comfortable with the idea of dating students but sometimes students will ask me whether or not I have a boyfriend out of context. And sometimes there are students with similar interests who might be interesting to talk to outside of class -- so maybe it was not quite right to phrase the question as "dating" students, but even meeting them outside of school without romantic intent. Some contracts forbid it, though I know teachers at my school (and others) who hang out with students on their personal time.

                      p.s. Shan,
                      Yes, I live in Tokyo. I was bit out of it when I wrote earlier today... I just tried to e-mail you off the board, but no e-mail address! Perhaps you could get in touch with me off the board.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: not dating in japan

                        Dating an adult student is okay as long as you are not in a position of power -- not her/his company teacher who gives an evaluation of the student which could affect her/his advancement or bonus in some way (even minimally).
                        If it's a private school and the student's attending on her/his own and she/he's flirted with you. You could go out -- but make it clear she/he can say no and you'll still be friends --- an don't think that her/his acceptance of one meeting means that they want more than that -- they might, but you still should leave a polite way out for her/him. She/he may have agreed to one meeting just to be polite.


                        PS
                        you can take out all the "hes" b/c any guy would shag a hot teacher chick :-)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: not dating in japan

                          Danny-boy, I think that this issue is a matter of how professional you want to appear. I personally think it is unprofessional to do so, even if your company has no rules against it. It's not really a power thing if the two people are adults, but more a matter of how you want to present yourself: as a professional who is taking his or her job seriously, or as someone who uses his or her job as a dating service. I know it happens, but as I suggested, if you really like a student you can always explain to him or her that you feel it would be unprofessional to date him or her while a student. I have had situations in the past (not really in Japan, but in Hungary, where I lived before Japan) where going out with a student DID cause problems. I was much younger then and didn't know what to say when a student asked me out, even though I didn't want to meet him, so I went. If it were now, I would use the professionalism as an excuse.

                          Some students may find it sleazy if their teacher hits on them while they are still students. I know I would if I had a male Japanese teacher, but I guess if I liked him, and he wasn't hitting on ALL his students, it would be OK.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: not dating in japan

                            sorry guys but professional? maybe if you're certified and definitely if you're at a high school, but if you're a run-of-the-mill eikaiwa sensei, professional schmrofessional. (kinda forced that one)

                            way back when, i was at G**S and thought i would be 'professional' and not date (read: bone) any students. amazingly i lasted 6 months on that. but day after day of cuties in class wore me down and for the last 18 months of my contract..... well, i won't bore you with the details.

                            the point, as i get from Shan's post (intended or not), is to be DISCREET.

                            as for YLJ, i say if you've got a cutie in your class, give it a shot. just be DISCREET.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: not dating in japan

                              Swordfishtrombone, the whole point is that people should try to be professional at any job they do. If you didn't like teaching, then you shouldn't have been there, period. People do much better at things they like. Don't you have any personal pride?

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X