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no sex, no love!

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  • no sex, no love!

    Im 30, looks good (so I am told), many people inflate my ego actually, but only one person dose not! we met over 2 years ago.. he is 24, we met in Australia, my home country.. all was ok.. but its been a very rough time.. I have been here now for 1 year, my visa is to be renewed or change to a married visa (if we get married). He actually said tho.. lets get married.. but its only for visa.. his parents tho have said, that he is too young.. We do have a lot of stess.. He is to move to Tokyo for his new Full-time work. Now.. I love him to death!!! maybe too much!? he on the other hand, tells me he loves me but.. he never says what I want to hear.. I always find porn and we may do it only 3 times a month (sex), but I have to wait for it (im tired) he says! But, he only works 3 days a week! I have even bought all new cute bras and panties.. but that still does not do the trick!! never does house work, or cooking.. I do all that and have a full time job and a part time job at evenings... whats wrong? of-course this is only a quick outline of our relationship.. yes, he is japanese too. any info anyone? im hurt, broken hearted, and feel so alone! please give me your info* thanx. (if any spelling, or typo mistakes.. sorry.. I tired.. its 10pm.. and I just got home from work..)

  • #2
    Re: no sex, no love!

    Hmmm, get married for the visa. Doesnt sound the guy is terrible committed to you or in any particular hurry to get married? How old is he and what are his job prospects like?

    If you ask me sounds like he has it pretty good- girlfriend who loves him to bits, sex on tap and a live-in maid and housekeeper. He works part time you work full time and he still doesnt do any housework. What does he do on his days off? Whats going to happen when you have kids? How long does he plan to work part time for?

    No idea about the sex thing but obviously getting off on videos turns him on more than the real thing. Have you asked him what he likes to do, or why he's not interested? Maybe lingerie doesnt do anything for him. Have you considered that he may already have a girlfriend on the side?

    Is this behavior something you are prepared to put up with if you get married?

    what exactly is it that you want him to say to you? Is "I love you" not enough, or does it sound insincere? Are you wanting him to pamper your ego or flatter you?

    Of course every relationship is different, and often japanese men who were romantics in Australia will go back to being chauvinistic salarimen when they return to Japan. They often also dont know how to communicate their feelings well either. As far as I know Japanese do not really tell their partners they love them, though it may be easier for him to say this in English.


    • #3
      Re: no sex, no love!

      Why do you love him? I know its easy to ask that question...and you probably think, "I just do!" But if he treats you so bad...and it sounds like he does, then why do you want to be with him? If you want to be in Japan, could you not get a work visa or a working holiday or something else, rather than rely on the spouse visa?

      Remember, you may love him, but that does not mean you should marry him or even be with him. Of course, I dont know you, but I know that every woman deserves better than that. Maybe there is someone out there who will love you and appreciate you for you! And I think that you shouldnt waste anymore time with someone who doesnt. If you get married, things are not going to get reality, it will probably get worse in your situation because it sounds like he is already taking advantage of you and what you do for him.

      Remeber: It is better to be happily single than unhappily married.


      • #4
        Re: no sex, no love!

        Nothing personal, but people who define their worth according to what other people think of them, or see an obsessive need to be loved or wanted usually end up as doormats becuase they are afraid of losing the main people in their lives. Women who suffer spousal abuse or battery end up thinking they deserve it and have low self esteem.

        Im not saying this is you, but your first sentence says you are crying out for love and attention and are not getting it from your boyfriend.

        Rather than be a door mat for your boyfriend and wait for him to become interested in you (which it sounds like he isnt, all that much) why dont you

        start a new hobby. get a facial, have a massage. Buy a slinky dress. Spoil yourself rotten. Take the bull by the horns and take charge of your own life, be more accepting of who you are rather than define yourself by what he wants. he wont know what hes losing until he doesnt have it any more.


        • #5
          Re: no sex, no love!

          ...and go find some well-hung Gaijin guy to give you a jolly-good rogering on the side. If your fiance can't get on the job, no point to waiting around...


          • #6
            Re: no sex, no love!

            One for the road.....

            I think we (in most cases) falsely believe, "I'm gonna change my partner once we get married!"

            Unfortunately this doesn't work in many cases.

            If your man doesn't do any housework while he's got a part time job, it seems unlikely he'll suddenly start doing housework once he gets a full time job.

            I know from experience that the majority of Japanese men are simply not taught to contribute to housework. (I read somewhere that the average amount of time a Japanese man spends on housework a WEEK is 27 minutes, ie: practically nothing at all.

            It might be a good idea to start laying out the rules. Suggestions:

            Tell him he has to clean up after himself.
            Try him with, "I'll cook dinner, you do the dishes."

            If he complains, keep on at him.

            After interviewing many mixed couples, I've found there is usually a very clearly drawn line in the sand: men work, women keep the house.

            Many foreign women get a lot of stress from this, as they tend to expect their man to at least do something, and many of them do.

            Japanese men on the other hand are a very different kettle of fish,

            Please note that if/when you do start laying down the rules, he is likely to think you are a 'pushy foreign woman' and start getting defensive.
            This will be because he has been bought up to EXPECT his woman to keep the house and anything he sees to the contrary runs right against his programming.

            He has seen his Mum like this and pretty much for sure sees this as 'normal'

            Sorry, for the tone of this post, but it helps to be forewarned.

            One last piece of advice (from experience, since I am in a mixed marriage myself and know many other mixed couples in Tokyo) - if you want a mixed relationship, make sure they have at least travelled overseas, and better still, lived outside Japan.

            You said that your man has lived in Oz...I just (almost) dread to think what he will become when he moves to Tokyo for his new Full-time work.

            As GaijinGirl said, "It is better to be happily single than unhappily married."

            Pass the salt


            • #7
              Re: no sex, no love!

              I know of a mixed marriage where the Japanese man had lived in foreign country (Indonesia) for like 1 year (met his wife there). When they returned to Japan after they got married, he "changed back" to a "typical men-never-lift-a-hand-at-home" Japanese.


              • #8
                Re: no sex, no love!

                Neogie, as the woman in your relationship, you unconsciously hold the "power".

                You see, I believe that women can manipulate men as they wish, eventhough most men believe that they will never fall....

                I am in a mixed marriage and I have gone through a similar situation, apart from the fact that my wife has always been 'a good wife' in many ways but, evidence of her affection was sometime missing.

                Therefore, I have applied this 'old' woman technic to my marriage.

                Have you ever realized that when you are just about to end a relationship after loosing interest, your partner suddenly becomes more and more affectious?

                Well, this relates to: "you never realize what is important to you until you don't have it"

                This may sound corny ( i think it does), but really, you got to test your partner's love before making any moves.
                Therefore, purposely loose interest in him and start being distant and mysterious about your activities.

                What will happen next..........................? he will, or, become jealous, worried, and then it will be a good time for you to tell him that you are loosing interest due to his lack of affection, or, he will not care whatsoever, and, as a result, you will know that he is not right for you.........

                either way, you will have an answer.


                • #9
                  Re: no sex, no love!

                  I would dump this guy so faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast!

                  Have some faith in yourself, girl. You are worth MUCH more, and YES YES YES you can find a better man than this.

                  If I may quote my favorite song,

                  "Don't go for second best baby put your love to the test...make him treat you like queen on a throne, make him love you 'till you can't come down!!"

                  Madonna's songs have the answer for everything, I say. (^_-)


                  • #10
                    Re: no sex, no love!

                    "You are worth MUCH more, and YES YES YES you can find a better man than this."
                    in japan?
                    i don't know about all of that. some of the stuff she mentioned is probably ingrained in dude, and other japanese men as well. i see it in my friends. some gmen go over there and start acting like that even. i don't know women... well, i do, but it's always in short-term memory [doggone it :{
                    but i KNOW men. i think/suspect he is cheating. i hope not! i hope to you-know-who i am wrong... but i'm just saying, if a man was attracted enough to date in the first place, and was *mumbling innuendo* all the time (before)... it shouldn't(?) be this infrequent this early into the relationship.
                    i SINCERELY do hope i am wrong.


                    • #11
                      Re: no sex, no love!

                      Get your back waxed.


                      • #12
                        Re: no sex, no love!

                        I always agree with JGL on principle, but that's cause she has shamed me before. This time I REALLY agree with her.

                        DUMP THE DUDE.


                        • #13
                          Re: no sex, no love!

                          Why does he have to only work part-time, while you hold two jobs?
                          Why do you have to do all the cooking and housework?

                          You're holding onto a fantasy.

                          Take the advice of a man who has been through the same kind
                          of unbalanced marriage for nine years, and wasted part of his life waiting
                          on a mentally unstable woman:

                          Flush him down the toilet, and find a real man to love you.

                          There are real men out there, who actually do love their
                          girlfriends and wives, and who actually do want to contribute to
                          their relationship. Men who aren't deadbeats, and men who truly want
                          to please their partners. This boyfriend of yours is getting bad votes
                          from everybody in this forum, and with good reason.
                          Marry him, and you will suffer, guaranteed.

                          Why not ask your family and friends what they think of this
                          guy's antics? Don't just tell them his good points. Tell them
                          everything you told us. I think that the people around us
                          can often see things a lot more clearly than we can ourselves.

                          - JC