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  • I hope I'll be happy

    Hi everyone,

    this summer i'm going to get married with Japanese guy.
    can you tell me about Japanese life and guy? Are they really kind and good for women? I'm little nervous.

    Thank you.

  • #2
    Re: I hope I'll be happy

    It sounds like you don't even know this man!!! Why are you marrying him?

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: I hope I'll be happy

      Yeah,

      Uhmm I would advise against it at this time.... Someone wrote something here a while ago that really stuck in my mind... I'll update it a bit

      "Scratch the surface of a modern cosmopolitan Japanese and you'll find a Traditionalist. Scratch the surface of a Japanese Traditionalist and you'll find....well ......

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: I hope I'll be happy

        If you dont know him well enough for him to tell you and assist you in getting to know what its like.... AND you come to a web forum of complete strangers instead..... I'd have to say that you've got a hard road ahead of you.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: I hope I'll be happy

          If I recall correctly, you are the person living/working in China, but your fiance lives/works here in Japan. You are a Russian national. (I just want to make sure I'm talking about the same person.) Having lived here over 3 years now, I could never imagine marrying a Japanese man without having first lived here, experienced the country, etc. It will, undoubtedly, be much different than anything you are used to (good and bad). I'm just terribly curious where/how you met this person. I mean, if you are getting married to someone you don't know - Japanese or otherwise - that's going to be a rough road ahead. If you are doing it because you/he have no other alternatives, well, then I guess that's your decision. However, if that isn't the situation (and I don't want to sound presumptuous), why wouldn't you take the time to get to know this man...specifically. I mean, all men are not the same - American, Japanese, etc. That said, there are certain "expectations" imposed on many (most?) men here in Japan that are not common in other places I've been/know of (nomikai, etc.). I've met many lonely/miserable Japanese women. I'm sure they have counterparts in most any other country as well. However, maybe it's different here. I mean, OF COURSE it's different here...it's Japan. If you haven't seen for yourself, you should. It's perfectly possible that you will have a wonderful, fulfilling marriage with your Japanese fiance (certainly, I hope to should I find myself in a similar situation one day). There's really only one way to find out though; but, I wouldn't recommend getting married first and then finding out later. Just my two cents worth. Take it for what it's worth...but, of course, I think it's fairly good advice.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: I hope I'll be happy

            Yagiman

            I responded to Rano on another post. She is from Uzbekistan which is a Russian republic, so she is Russian.

            I wont get into a debate about the wisdom of what she is doing as Im sure she has her own reasons. There are western woman who are married to japanese and seem to do OK, while Asian women do have a rough time due to Japanese attitudes and becuase of history and prejudice against other countries. For all we know her fiance may prefer western or non-Japanese women and could be a perfect gentleman.

            I think language will be the biggest difficulty as well as different cultural attitudes. japanese men are very different from russian men (and i havent heard too much good about russian men and they can be just as sexist, chauvinist and boorish as Japanese men). There are a few foreign women here with Japanese boyfriends and husbands, and they dont have problems any worse than any other relationship- remember it is a marriage between individuals , not nationalities so you have to know you are compatible. My wife is japanese and in our relationship there is a lot of give and take, compromise and the fact we have different nationalities is largely incidental.

            Your best idea is to find out as much as you can about Japanese culture as you can, and i would probably recommend that you live here a while before you get married.
            getting married here is extremely easy, staying married is hard and if you should seek a divorce down the track the cards are stacked against you if you should have children and want to seek custody or visitation etc. Most custody laws here are anti foreigner and there are no extradition treatties if your husband takes your kids back to japan and you want to take them to Russia for example.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: I hope I'll be happy

              *chuckle* If she's russian, then she should be used to the small apartments here.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: I hope I'll be happy

                Rano,

                if you're hot, most japanese men like to show off their wives when they're whities so you'll be fine in that regard.
                Romance, a nice guy that is willing to listen to you, wants nothing more than for you to be happy???
                Good luck babe!
                But look on the bright side. Japanese work so f'in late & are too tired to be suspicious, so if he's mean to you, you can always go out and get laid while he's workin w/o the fear of gettin caught.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: I hope I'll be happy

                  I can't believe you guys- how do you know she doesn't know her husband well? What's wrong with trying to research a little before getting married?
                  This site is full of western men who apparently got married without giving it a single thought. Now they're unhappy, soliciting advice (and in 'a web forum of complete strangers' no less!), and receiving plenty.
                  A common response to these guys is 'Why didn't you think of this BEFORE you got married?'. Well, here is a person doing just that, and instead of advice she gets abuse.
                  Very nice.

                  Rano, good for you for trying to find out as much as you can before you get married. But here at gaijinpot, most of the posters are male, most of these males are married to Japanese women, and most of these males married to Japanese women are not happy. Perhaps that makes them think that nobody else can possibly be happy in a similar situation.
                  So obviously this is not the place to get good advice. But it IS an enlightning sneak peak into some of the attitudes you'll notice amoung your fellow foreigners ('So are you Asian or Russian just marrying for the visa/money?!!!' seems to be a favourite theme).

                  Try these groups:

                  BAB, for women in Japan:
                  http://www.being-a-broad.com/
                  FWC, 'An online community by and for women in bicultural marriages':
                  http://www.foreignwivesclub.com/
                  Married In Japan, for foreign women married (or engaged) to Japanese men (membership required, membership is free):
                  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MarriedinJapan/
                  Association of Foreign Wives of Japanese (paid membership required):
                  http://www.afwj.org/
                  United for a Multicultural Japan, 'An organization working to promote the welfare and legal rights of non-Japanese with Japanese spouses, and other long-term or permanent residents of Japan' (paid membership required):
                  http://www.tabunka.org/

                  The third group, Married In Japan, has been especially helpful to me.

                  In the meantime, it's important to remember that male or female, Japanese or not, people usually have unrealistic ideas about married life. And almost everyone changes in some way after marriage. So no matter how nice a person seems before marriage, he can't be counted on to be a good husband.
                  I think the ability to communicate (and I'm not talking about the language gap) and to compromise are as desirable in a potential spouse as kindness. If he can't compromise now, even on little things, then there is trouble down the road. If he's willing to give in and acknowledges that you do the same, then that's a good start.

                  Check out the above links and good luck!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: I hope I'll be happy

                    For the record, Smallworld, I am a Western FEMALE. Speaking of not making any assumptions, perhaps you, too, should not have done so. If you reread my post, you will see that my post - as well as at least one other one (PaulH's) - are NOT abusive in the least. It's clear you understand the English language. Please be more careful when you make such generalizations.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: I hope I'll be happy

                      Person,
                      Didn't make any assumptions about you- I hadn't even read your post when I started mine. You and Paul are just faster typers than I am.

                      You guys actually did give some good advice, I hope it is heeded.

                      Rano, not all hot white women married to Japanese are trophy wives. That's a stereotype that drives me nuts!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: I hope I'll be happy

                        smallworld wrote: "...almost everyone changes in some way after marriage. So no matter how nice a person seems before marriage, he can't be counted on to be a good husband. "

                        Sounds like YOU got married and ain't happy babe.

                        If you got time in the evening and STILL can't seem to get rid of your stress, mail me and I'll try to help ya out.

                        cheer up smallworld!!!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: I hope I'll be happy

                          "here at gaijinpot, most of the posters are male, most of these males are married to Japanese women, and most of these males married to Japanese women are not happy"

                          Please. I realise to make a point it's necessary to do some generalisation, but that really is a bit much.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: I hope I'll be happy

                            In the meantime, it's important to remember that male or female, Japanese or not, people usually have unrealistic ideas about married life. And almost everyone changes in some way after marriage. So no matter how nice a person seems before marriage, he can't be counted on to be a good husband.
                            I think the ability to communicate (and I'm not talking about the language gap) and to compromise are as desirable in a potential spouse as kindness. If he can't compromise now, even on little things, then there is trouble down the road. If he's willing to give in and acknowledges that you do the same, then that's a good start.



                            Speaking from experience,

                            Wives (foreign or Japanese) also change after marriage, not just foreign men. Dont assume its just the men at fault here. Women have a vested interest as well, and their attitudes towards their husbands (paycheck earner, provider of seed/children) and behavior can change once you slip the ring on the finger.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: I hope I'll be happy

                              The dude,
                              Sorry but I'm busy during the evenings. That's when my husband and I get rid of eachothers' stress. And I'm one happy babe, thank you very much!

                              Bluedog,
                              Perhaps I should have said it this way: 'Most of the posters here who are male and married to a Japanese woman AND discuss their married life are unhappy'. Which would be true. I guess because the happy people don't have anything to talk about, it's easy to overlook them. My bad.

                              Paulh,
                              I didn't assume that only men are at fault. If you read very carefully, you'll notice the word 'female' here: "it's important to remember that male or female, Japanese or not, people usually have unrealistic ideas about married life.".

                              Comment

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