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  • S-E-X

    Gentlemen,

    I have noticed that these forums have some underlying themes that a few of you (not all by any means, only a few) tend to bring up on a semi-regular basis. I was going to tease you one by one but then I realised that this would take too long and would be inefficient so I have decided to tease you en masse:

    Firstly, can anyone tell me if Japanese guys are indeed real hotties? I have heard they are really cute and so hot in fact that if you push a J-guy over and are quick about it you can barbecue dinner for four on his back before he gets up? Is this true?

    And tell me, when I come to the Land of the Rising Libido what are my chances of getting laid within say 15 minutes of getting off the plane (given that you know nothing about my preferences or physical features and that anything you might think you know may in fact be inaccurate)?
    Are my chances:
    (a) very good (those Japanese flight attendants are keen to demonstrate the positions on the inflight safety card!)
    (b) good (they are very friendly but they do not have much time between flights)
    (c) neither good nor bad (fence sitter!)
    (d) bad (Oh no! What will I do when I get bored?! I will be forced to entertain myself by posting comments on gaijinpot!)
    (e) very bad (I've decided I'm not coming to Japan).

    At this point I suppose I should mention that I am a 6' blonde with blue eyes and pneumatic breasts (isn't every girl on the internet?). So....do you think J-guys will like me? Will they stare at my bosom while they are talking to me (I really like it when guys appear to be addressing their comments to my breasts.......of course my breasts tend not to be very talkative but they do occasionally make one or two good points).....

    And how about strip bars.....what are the strip clubs in Japan like? When I consider moving to a new country the first thing I absolutely must do is find out all about any strip clubs there. Getting information about unimportant things like accomodation is a distant second priority in my book (which appears to be a sticky copy of Playboy). Perhaps Gaijinpot admin can take note and delete the useless 'accommodation' category in this forum and replace it with one called 'Strip clubs, brothels and sex shops'. Oh, and please do not criticise my lifestyle. Or my morals. It is my choice.

    Now I have heard that in Roppongi there is a strip club where the girls(guys?) swim around in a fish tank. Can someone confirm this please. How do patrons get the person of their choice out of the tank? Do they fish for them and will I be able to catch one given that I do not have a fishing rod (but I do have a nice pair of floaties)?

    And now that I am actually in Japan (err, this is creative writing) I must be responsible and mention condoms. Japanese condoms are just sooo itsy bitsy teensy weensy....in my home country (Austria, see below) I used to use a condom as a bathing cap when I went swimming but in Japan, well, I can't even get one properly on my head (and when I try wearing one people at the pool give me strange looks - I'm sure they are startled that my bathing cap is so ill-fitting)! Of course although my head is obviously larger than a Japanese head I don't mean to immodestly imply (in a quiet but smug way) that my other bodily proportions are overly large but let me just say that my own personal 'shock and awe' campaign is going quite nicely thank you very much....

    Oh yes and I would like to whisper to you about the delicate subject of oral sex so lean closer....closer....NOT THAT CLOSE! I am really surprised that on these forums a few of you guys freely admit that you like receiving oral sex....I was under the impression that men did not like receiving oral sex and that often when a woman suggests it the male response is likely to be a vehement 'No way! Just give me a handshake and a peck on the forehead and that will be fine thanks! And one or two of you have implied that your girlfriends better be good at (giving) oral sex. However you do not state your own skills in this area and whether you are willing or able to lick so much as a postage stamp. Let's talk about giving....(so that the world will be a better place for you and for me and for the entire human race, tra la la)....let's talk about other people's feelings... so now you can say with winning sincerity to your girlfriend 'Enough about me, let's talk about you, tell me about your feelings...........How do you feel about giving me oral sex (right now)?'

    Now I suspect these bland and innocuous (and very brief) comments may provoke certain types of responses....

    It is possible that one or two of you sooner or later might respond to my forthright (pretty damn cheeky I must admit) comments by telling me that I need a 'good rogering'. I would like to pre-empt that by mentioning in passing that I would indeed like a good one and anyone who suggests it can please present themselves front and centre for my inspection (if there is more than one of you who feel this way please form an orderly queue, no pushing or shoving). Of course since it is a 'rogering' then your first name must be Roger. If your name is not Roger it must be either ____ or Derek(derrick). Persons by any other given name must put forward cogent arguments before they will be allowed to stay in the queue. Persons who appear to be lying must produce photo ID (the only ID I will accept is an international licence for a motor scooter). Anybody who is found to be lying about their first name will be glared at, spanked and sent home (spankings by request only, time permitting). ......And do not complain about how difficult it can be to get a good spanking! Just imagine what chance someone in your situation in your home country would have if they were looking for a good spanking and they had minimal language skills and hardly any experience. That's right, they'd have very little chance of success, wouldn't they? Anyway, I warn you not to lie about your first name. If you do lie your poor behaviour will reflect badly on the others here who are legitimately called Roger. Oh, and by the way, anybody with a BA will be paid 250,000 yen and anybody with an MA will be paid 251,000 yen for their time (if the queue is long the wait may be about one month).

    Now I would be obliged if any responses to my post could please include snide comments about my country and nationality (probably there will be no responses [sigh]). You can see that my domain name ends with 'au' and therefore you can deduce that I am of course Austrian. The best way to convince me that my comments are invalid is to criticise my country. I will start the ball rolling......'Those Austrian Alps, well they are just hills on steroids with pretensions (bah humbug) and as for that old movie the 'Sound of Music' (which was filmed in Salzburg)....geez, there is NO WAY that eldest girl (I think she was called Leisel) was '16 going on 17'...she looked like 25 at least to me.........' Err, I'm sure you get the drift.

    And finally, why are there so few men posting comments on Gaijinpot? And why is it that the rare man who does post a comment here tends to choose a non gender-specific name and tends not to mention straight away that he is indeed a man? Why, oh why, is it so? I find this completely unfathomable.

    Now, play ball!.....

    PS: No time wasters please!


  • #2
    Re: S-E-X

    oh dear: .at=austria, .au=australia.

    Now we know that you are slightly lost, possibly dyslexic and extremely poor at geography, and use australia internet solutions as your provider; let's see if ____, roger, willy, and/ or johnson start the ball(s) rolling....or in your case ....trolling!

    :-)

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: S-E-X

      Well, interesting post, but I'm baffled: You comment on having guys do you, and you write the quote below:

      "Firstly, can anyone tell me if Japanese guys are indeed real hotties? I have heard they are really cute and so hot in fact that if you push a J-guy over and are quick about it you can barbecue dinner for four on his back before he gets up? Is this true?"

      Are you saying that you're a bisexual woman or a bisexual man?

      By the way, you're right about the size of Japanese men. You can really tell it by the size of their condoms.

      Ich kann nicht glauben dass Sei Oesterricher(in) sind. Ihres English is ohne faehler (nicht wie mein Deutsch). Wo haben Sie English gelehrnt?

      Steamboat (fyi: I am male)

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: S-E-X

        Just off the cuff or a well thought out exhortation? Either way, it's funny. Well done.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: S-E-X

          Nicht Schiessen!! Nicht Schiessen!! Die Krieg ist alles vertig.
          Ich bin eines grossen Mann, baby. Und ich habe ein Grossen U-Boot to prove it. Just ask jguylover. She'll back me up.
          Aber wo ist die bahnhof?

          Accch, mein kugelschrieber ist kaputt.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: S-E-X

            hahaha

            I love it.

            Rife with satire!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: S-E-X

              Meine leibe Suesschen,

              I am sure that you hardly need me to tell you how right you are about oral sex. As you know receiving oral sex is very painful for a man. They only allow you 183cm. tall blue-eyed blondes anywhere near their peckers for your own sakes. As I am sure you already know sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. If he offers to allow him to perform it on him best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: S-E-X

                Well, I've been away for a couple of days and have been busy congratulating myself on my own audacity and presenting myself with an award, a bouquet of flowers and a plastic tiara but now that I'm back......

                Trip Hop,
                Yec, I ab a little bid byslexic and I also suffer from DiiSSTo0rTed ViSi0n which means that sometimes I unfortunately have to get my face very close to certain objects (including body parts) before I can see them clearly and ascertain what they actually are.....this little problem of mine has in the past led to some misunderstandings....

                Steamboat,
                Err, initially when I read your comments I thought English was your second language and that you were a little bleating lamb who had lost his way and strayed onto this thread by mistake.....and so I was going to go easy on you and shepherd you gently away from the door marked 'Abattoir' and towards the door marked 'Sunny meadow frolicking grounds'.....but then I checked your previous posts and boy-oh-boy...............

                I am not sure but perhaps you are convalescing from surgery (a difficult but successful operation during which they entirely removed your sense of humor)? If so, I feel it would be unsporting of me to taunt an invalid. However I can see that you are a regular Mr Holmes (Sherlock not John). Despite my numerous references to my own (pneumatic) breasts you appear to be unclear whether I am in fact a woman. Ahem, I can only suppose that dating must be difficult for you if you are unsure on these two points.

                And thank you for adding your voice to the chorus of those singing that popular song:
                'Japanese condoms are so small
                They do not fit me at all
                They often get caught on one ball
                And ricochet off and hit the wall'.

                Oh and by the way - you misspelt 'gelernt' (learn) and also 'fehler' (mistake).

                Person & imTony,
                I do try! Thank you for your appreciation.

                Kurogane,
                Good effort in that you are the first to actually proposition me (as I suggested in my original post) - although I note that you have (disappointingly) not claimed to be called Roger. Also you have not pleaded for a spanking (hint!). I am a little confused by your mixture of German and English but I assume that you did not wish to tell me about your gross (disgusting) Ugg Boot (a sheepskin boot) but rather about your large submarine? Accordingly I shall respond with 'Torpedo me baby!' and a girlish giggle.

                Stillnosheep,
                Thank you for enlightening me about the real reason why men often refuse to receive oral sex. That had been puzzling me for a long time and keeping me up at night. Indeed you are right in that the few who do suffer through it deserve a lot of appreciation (perhaps the saying 'no pain, no gain' applies here?). However, I am very interested to know how YOU know that sperm is "great tasting"?


                Sugar



                Post Edited (06-02-04 14:43)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: S-E-X

                  Sugargirl: If ever again you need enlightening, please feel free ...

                  kuro: you've pulled!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: S-E-X

                    Stillnosheep,

                    Correction: Kurogane has NOT 'pulled'! Repeat: he has NOT pulled! (You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?) He is merely closer to 'pulling' than you are. He simply has his 'foot in the door' so to speak and further descriptions from him about his manly capabilities/features/endeavours will (probably) be looked upon favourably.

                    Sugar

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: S-E-X

                      sugar&spice,

                      you don't dig 185 cm, 80kg (firm body) brown hair blue eyed exceptionally good lookin dudes from california that are kinda full of themselves & have western european smokin hot wives do ya?


                      Just a quick question your taste regarding group action!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: S-E-X

                        Sugar,

                        If you ever write a book, I`ll try to be among the first one to buy it ^^.

                        (Sorry, I am not Japanese though)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: S-E-X

                          I am not surprised you that you used a condom for a swimming cap ,this is the first time I have heard of being a dickhead having a practical use.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: S-E-X

                            thickmick wrote:

                            > I am not surprised you that you used a condom for a swimming
                            > cap ,this is the first time I have heard of being a dickhead
                            > having a practical use.

                            I am not surprised that you used a condom for a swimming cap--Dickhead!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: S-E-X

                              The Dude,
                              Well, yes, I might be interested in meeting the (attractive) couple you are describing but I don't know anyone like that.....do you?

                              Mahou,
                              If I ever write a book it will probably be a children's (colouring) book....

                              Thickmick,
                              I have read your post carefully looking for lewd and/or satanic messages in it and there appear to be none (even when it is read backwards whilst sacrificing a rubber chicken to the music of Black Sabbath). It appears that you are making a joke (but I am not the best judge of this because I have no sense of humor/irony/smell). It appears that you are perhaps calling me a dickhead merely because I wore a condom as a bathing cap? I must mention here that it was a studded strawberry-flavoured one and it said on the packet 'for her pleasure' so I assumed that such a statement meant it was fashionable and very comfortable to wear. If you are calling me a dickhead I am delighted because no-one has ever called me this before (surprisingly girls tend not to be called dickheads on a regular basis). Being called a dickhead by someone with the moniker 'thickmick' is by far and away the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me (oh, apart from that game of 'Where is the Eiffel Tower' I played with those two French guys last week.....[there's your answer dude!]).

                              I note that you started a thread recently merely for the purpose of criticising the dude's posts and labelling them uninteresting and not funny. Hmmm? If the swimming cap fits...? I feel you are making waves just for the sake of it. I personally think you are being a little unkind as sometimes the dude is quite entertaining. That impromptu 'flashdance' number that he did at the (non-existent) Gaijinpot Christmas party was quite something. His gyrations really were amazing to behold and as for the hip thrusts....well I'm sure I don't need to tell you that he radiated so much testosterone that two women swooned and one became pregnant (with triplets, all boys) just through looking. What a pity that in the last climactic seconds as he leapt high into the air he caught his nipple ring on the hotel chandelier. Fortunately after several seconds of squirming and swearing he fell free. Unfortunately he fell onto paulh and knocked the breath out of both of them. After a couple of minutes of lying there the dude was heard to say into paulh's armpit 'Are you from a country starting with U'? And paulh was heard to mumble something but only the words 'priest' and 'vow of celibacy' were discernible. Now, please do not mention this little story to the dude because no doubt he will deny it and say it never happened. Of course, I also claim it never happened. I have never met the dude (or paulh) and I deny all knowledge of Christmas parties in general and this one in particular. Any resemblance in this story to anyone who posts on Gaijinpot is purely coincidental.

                              Sugar

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