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Should I or not?

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  • Should I or not?

    I have been dating this J-girl for a year now and have been in Japan for six months. I met her in Vacouver Canada and she was a really great person. I fell in love with her from the start and until she came back to Japan things could not get better. We talked about marriage and children and everything. Even money and how she was going to be the one who was going to look after it all cuse I suck with money. I openly and fully admit that. She rocks with money.
    She also lived with me and did not have to pay for any rent bills or food, though she did on her own accord. We went on trips that we both equally paid for. Some things she did pay for like movies and other outings, restaurant ect. But I did my share too.

    So the story goes that she wanted me hurry up and come to Japan three months sooner that I was finally able to. She told me that she was going to pay my rent for me and bills until I found a job. One day on the phone she asks me when I will pay her back for the money that she still has not spent on my rent. I was like I donft know. Then she asked me If I was going to come with any money and I was like gI have just enough for my return plane ticket and about a months spending money.h Then this started a huge fight, gwhen are you going to pay me back, how will you, ect.h I did not know cuse I did not even have a job yet. I knew things from here on were going to be rocky.
    I came here in December (cuse she wanted me to) and so we all know that the English Jobs turn overs are in April. So it took me a few months to land a job. I was able to find a job at a restaurant cuse at first thatfs what gsheh wanted. But then we found out that it was not going to pay for the type of work I was going to do. She decided that I should stick with the teaching. I knew that I had the teaching job in Jan and the restaurant job came shortly after that.

    I got my first full pay this month and I gave half of it to her for some travelerfs checques that I spent in Canada after I took off cuse of a fight we had. Over money and culture and her family. So thatfs what Ifm paying her back for. I know I owe her for that. But we continue to fight over money that I donft have. I am willing to let her hold the money if we get married, the family is not all that bad and life in Japan rocks. But I canft have friends or at least hang out with them nor can I or have I done anything in Japan. I just went to Osaka last weekend and went to Universal Studio and the club Sam and Daves. But thatfs the only thing I did here. Sight seeing, but you have only so many things in Maizuru to look at. And she is real possessive. If I am hanging out with friends she has to call and see if she can come, she needs to meet all of my friends and she get upset if I go with friends.

    And when we do fight over things, she takes everything out of my apartment and leaves me with nothing. Not even the TV. Then I have to beg her to give everything back. I only got the TV back about a week ago, and the DVD that she bought for me, she keeps on taking. Though I know I canft use it if I got no TV!

    I let all of her bad thing go under the carpet and I donft get mad at the small things as she does. She realizes that she has a lot of bad attributes that she did not have ion Canada. She tells me that gI pledge to changeh, but I donft know if Ifm wasting my time. It feels as if I am. I know right now we are not going to get married any more and Ifm trying to remove myself from the situation but she is some how pulling me back. Donft call it whipped cuse I know that I could get almost any other girl I wanted here or back in Canada. To a certain point at least.

    Now knowing the story, here are a few questions

    1 Should I pay her back in part in full or not at all for her paying my rent seeing that she bagged me to come so early?
    I sold everything I had or gave it away back in Canada; I had an apartment full of stuff. And I have a daughter back in Canada too.
    2nd Should I keep up with the bull and hope she changes for the better or is it a lost cause?
    3rdly what do I do when everything in my apartment here is hers and I want to move. All I have are my cloths and the books I use to teach with?

    Seriously going insane.

  • #2
    Re: Should I or not?

    She's not the one for you mate.. get rid of her....sure you can do better...

    a word of advice from my experiance....can you be a partnership for life??? if you have kids in Japan and a divorce happens then you lose the kid...

    be careful and don't just marry for the visa, it ain't worth it...

    others may say different...

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Should I or not?

      No I wont be doing it for the visa thats for sure. NOt worth the head ach in three years.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Should I or not?

        since all the stuff in your apartment is hers, and you want to pay her back.... it seems a pretty easy equation to me..

        SAYONARA SALE baby!

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Should I or not?

          Dear English teacher, can you tell me the meaning of the word "cuse"? My english is quite poor so I don't know this word. Thanks..

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Should I or not?

            Jeez...what a situation or should I say nightmare. This is not the first time I have heard of guys meeting J-girls in Canada, U.S., Oz, NZ, England etc and falling quick and hard for them only to find a different person when they meet up with them in Japan.

            You need to get some independence...so either put up with this for a couple of months, save every yen and move into one of those gaijin houses for a while. Do you have a teaching job?? If so, then ask your employer if they can set you up in an apartment.

            All depends how long you want to stay. If you got a kid in Canada that you love....I think you should cut your losses, chalk this down to experience and go back and help support your child. Of course I don't know your situation with your ex back home.

            Well, all I can say is good luck and I hope you make the right decision.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Should I or not?

              I say this in a caring way - get AWAY from that girl. Or bring her back to Canada with you where she will be her old self. But her actions are way out of line, and you don't need to be subjecting yourself to her bullying.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Should I or not?

                I just can't believe it.

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                • #9
                  Re: Should I or not?

                  Me neither. The "And I have a daughter back in Canada too." bit especially.

                  What a fu_ckin' heartbreaker. What a relief I've washed my hands of the human race! Phew! Sh_itheads, the lot of em'.

                  What a fascinating read though, eh? Real life drama.

                  Thimble-brained, negligent parent/neglected child/evil spider woman gradually revealing her true nature as she lures in her prey. Great stuff!

                  You're looking for advice? HOW THE FU_CK DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT???

                  "Mommy? Where's Daddy?"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Should I or not?

                    That she's taking your TV and stuff out of your room shows she might be a can or two short of six pack, but obviously not lacking in muscles to do all that lugging. I really hope she's not making you lugg the stuff in and out of there.

                    If you decide to give her the benefit of the doubt, consider that financial security is a big issue here. It seems that although you don't have to have millions and millions of yen, having any kind of dept is viewed kind of negatively.

                    When I first came to Japan I borrowed a heap of cash from my girlfriend (now my wife) and I put her mind at ease by paying it off as quickly as I could.

                    My advice (if you want to try and drag this out a bit longer and perhaps improve your gf's mood at the same time) is to whip out paper and pencil and jot down how much you're going to pay her each month and show her that you're going to have it all payed back in x months.

                    Put a bit of your pay aside and order some books off amazon.co.jp. They'll help those TV-less night just fly by.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Should I or not?

                      Are you sure she's japanese? I've never heard of this before ; ) Welcome to the truth!

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                      • #12
                        Re: Should I or not?

                        SAYONARA Sale sounds like fun but I donft think I could stoop that low as much as I want to, Thanks for the ideal though! I had a good laugh!

                        `cuse` who wants to waist their time typing too much. Because I can? Nahhhhhh!

                        Jackbear- I think I have all the independence that I need. That why Ifm here though she wants to be the one who is helping all the time. Canft really stop someone from helping you. In this case it would just start another fight and where would I be? Itfs really different from the inside.
                        And the situation in Canada with the Mother is not any better than this one. The daughter is great but.............

                        Andyfff- Yes she really wants to go back to Canada so she can pretend. She told me that I met the real her here in Japan, and that she was just putting on a face there in Canada. Lucky me I had to come to Japan to find that out!!!

                        Tomoko- "What a fu_ckin' heartbreaker. What a relief I've washed my hands of the human race! Phew! Sh_itheads, the lot of em'." ȂɁH

                        The sleeping part is ok for now. I donft think she is trying to kill me yet. Thank God!

                        Osucker- She takes it and if I want it back I have to bring it. Itfs like Tug-of-War. I hate it altogether myself but if I want things to do while Ifm at home...............

                        "If you decide to give her the benefit of the doubt, consider that financial security is a big issue here. It seems that although you don't have to have millions and millions of yen, having any kind of dept is viewed kind of negatively."
                        Ifm only in dept another \100000. It will only take a month or two to pay her back. And I am giving her the `benefit of the doubt` and still holding in there hoping.
                        And I never ask for the money in the first place. She asked me to come here three months before I actually could.
                        Improve her mood is all I try doing! I pay all attention to her as much as I can. So that should not be a problem. To the point that I still donft have any Japanese friends here and when I do get one she gets absolute jealous out it or if I go with another gaijin anywhere or make plans, she gets pissed!

                        Thanks for the replies but I still want more. I have found another teaching job so that it might let me save money to go somewhere else and forget about her or show her that I can save. But I still donft know what Ifm going to do with this situation yet. We have not have an argument for oh..........about 3 days now so we will see how long the streak will last!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Should I or not?

                          I still say pay her back and get the dept out of the equation. As you said, it's not a lot of money. Get yourself a bit of standing and work on improving the rest. So what if she asked you to come here early. If you'd said "No, I'll wait until I've saved the money myself," you'd probably spend a similar amount of time saving for that as you are paying your gf back now... in Japan... with her..

                          As for making Japanese friends, that can be difficult for a long time and it really depends on what you define as a friend ("Hi I want to improve my English.") Someone put there 20c in on this too, but generally guys and girls here, if friends, don't often hang out alone or spend time together alone for really long periods of time. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but there it is. If you say you're meeting a Japanese girl, your girlfriend will -freak- -out-. She might trust you, but she won't trust the other person.

                          Start learning some Japanese too, be serious about if you can. It sounds like you're about to hit a bump where she might start saying, "You don't understand me," or "We can't communicate."

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Should I or not?

                            I would say that if there are this many arguements and problems this early on in your time in Japan, I would do as others have said, pay her back, learn some japanese and in a few months if you are as disgruntled about things as you appear, cut your loses and move on.

                            Life it too short to always be trying to patch things up. If you have to walk around on tippy toes with your friends as well then I would say she isn't for you. If you have to change so much to keep someone happy, or they have to change so much for you to wonder who they are, then maybe this lady is not for you. As you say, you're not going to marry her anymore, so why put yourself throught anymore stress than necessary. Do your best, but don't get anymore tied down than YOU want too. then decide your next move.

                            Also, whose more important, this lass you're seeing now, or your daughter back home?

                            PS. Plenty of J ladies are great. Mine is.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Should I or not?

                              I would say little by little let her out of your life. Next time she takes things from your place, dont go and get them back. Let her eventually take everything that belongs to her until there is nothing left to take. Pay back the debt. Give her notice that you will be removing yourself from the apartment so that there are no issues with unpaid rent. Then go get temporary accomodation at a Gaijin house or YMCA while you find a place to live on your own. Now there are no strings attached to the relationship and you owe her nothing. Dont even think about going back with her to Canada. I dont believe a country is responsible for ones mental health (at least not in the scale you are talking about). Start to slowly distance yourself. Dont go back to her even if she has a another change of character. Shes not worth it mate.

                              Then shes out of your life, save up da good old English teaching money so when you do go back to Canada you have something. As a general rule Japanese women are very nice so dont give up.

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