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Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

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  • Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

    I'm getting peeved!!

    I missed my bus home Saturday night, which meant I had to find a place to sleep, and the most logical thing seemed to share a bed with the guy I'd met up with that night (and seen a few times before, and who I like very much) who had come to town early for something he had the next day. He seemed gung-ho enough, so we settled in, said goodnight, and then NOTHING HAPPENED!!!

    I tried subtly snuggling up, hoping to get things going, but I guess he took it as no more than bedhog behavior cuz he told me to move over a little to give him more space.

    I think he IS looking for a serious relationship (and therefore might not want to be too intimate too early) but GEEZ. I've seen him several times but gotten no hugs, no kisses, not even a peck on the cheek, let alone anything else. he's either afraid or doesn't want to touch me, or something. . . if he doesn't find me attractive, then shouldn't he just stop seeing/contacting me???

    He IS really nice, and interesting and intelligent and successful and has beautiful eyes and a nice body and all sorts of things that make me not want to give up too easily. Am I missing something here??? I was SO ready to go that night. . . it's already been such a long time since I've been with anyone (the local inaka boys just don't cut it for me), I really can't be bothered with this kind of complicated game.

  • #2
    Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

    I don`t think it`s a game. I my experience, J-guys are super-conservative at first, and unwilling to have sex unless they`re very sure about you. You will usually have to make a pretty aggressive move, too. However, you`d gotten into bed with him already... hmm...

    He may have been suffering from performance anxiety.... or had no condoms... or maybe he`s gay... or... ???

    Anyways, I`d contact him and thank him for the evening. Send him a gift. (A NICE gift, along the lines of what you`d have spent on a hotel.) That creates a sense of obligation, and he`ll keep in contact.

    Don`t give up now!

    My 2 yen.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

      Madeira wrote: "J-guys are super-conservative at first, and unwilling to have sex unless they`re very sure about you"

      that is, as she intimated, if they are serious. If they just wanna pop one off, they can slut around like Charisma Man. Maybe he likes you, and wants to move slowly. Things could be worse (not that a cuddle and a tcikle wouldN7t have been nice )

      Good luck

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

        Maybe he is one of those rare mythical beasties called a "gentleman"

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

          I don't think I've ever wanted to be a woman, I mean I've never thought about surgery or even tried on women's clothes, but one thing I've always envied about women is that they can have sex anytime they want it. And I'm sorry but I'm not willing to reconsider this viewpoint based on your bumbling attempts at coitus. "Subtle snuggling"? Grab the bull by the horns, Buckminsterfuller!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

            Mandrake Good. You talking about me again?

            Sinster,

            You have fulfilled my expectations

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

              To buckminsterfuller:

              My advice is to forget this guy as a potential boyfriend / sex friend / whatever. Sounds like the only thing he wants to be to you is a FRIEND. You're giving off vibes of sexual interest, and it's flattering and exciting, but he's not up for all the complications of a relationship which would HAVE to be a serious one, if the two of you are as compatible as you say. The brutal truth as I see it: he likes you, but not that much. On the whole, it's probably just as well that he was cautious and decent enough not to take advantage of your willingness to have a one night stand.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                Yeah, maybe he does just want to be friends. I don't desire him as a f*ck-friend or one night stand though - those are no good. I really do want to be in a real relationship! I wish I could figure out what's going on. I guess I'm just not good at this. . . .

                Tokyoite, why'd you think I was up for a one night stand??



                Post Edited (07-28-04 18:37)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                  Buckminsterfuller, hang tight and send a gift and a thank-you note NOW. I think you`re onto a live one. As in, quite possibly a real-live husband type one.

                  Oh, and are you ready to marry into a Japanese family? Is this guy a first child? Are you a first child, too? Do you have obligations to support your family and leave Japan at some point? How do you feel about taking care of your in-laws ... in your house?

                  These types of questions may seem like jumping the gun, but not here... and not if the guy in question is a first child.

                  Also, have you cooked for him yet? If no, that should be your next goal.

                  Anyhow, I have to start dinner and make plans for Obon... not sure if we have to wash the graves this time, but we have to get back to the family hometown. I hope I can finish replacing all the shoji paper before then. It`s time to get the ume boshi into jars, too.

                  Good luck!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                    Call him girl, tell him how you feel.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                      Tell him that you're always gonna need him
                      Tell him that you're always gonna love him
                      Tell him
                      Tell him
                      Tell him
                      Tell him right now!

                      OK ladies, anme that tune.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                        Kurogane,

                        I'm not gonna name that tune lest everyone think I watch Ally McBeal. I don't, I swear on the graves of my ex-wife's ancestors. OK, I watched it once, but only because a prospective new bride was visiting. You see, Kuro-chan, in Japan, it's customary to invite a girl you're serious about to your place for parcheesi and an episode of Ally McBeal.

                        Madeira,

                        Your advice, well-intentioned as it may be, borders on the psychotic. She gets brushed off by a J-guy in bed and you counsel her to send (expensive) gifts and cook him dinner. Because then he'll feel obligated to her...Is that the cultural road map you followed? Well let me tell you something: it's not for everyone. And there's more than one way to a J-guy's heart.

                        Buckminsterfuller,

                        Don't be afraid to do some off-roading. Or just be yourself, no need for radical transformations (at least not yet, anyways). Sooner or later you'll know if it's going anywhere. In the meantime, I suggest you rethink your bedroom strategy.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                          Buckminsterfuller,

                          Weren't you up for a one night stand?

                          In your original post you said "I tried subtly snuggling up, hoping to get things going," and "I was SO ready to go that night..."

                          I thought you meant you were hoping to initiate sex. If you were just hoping for a snuggle, then I really am sorry: I misunderstood. Forgive!

                          But if you WERE hoping to initiate sex, wellll... in my book, when you go ahead and sleep with a guy who isn't your boyfriend (i.e. has not made an emotional commitment), you'd better think of it as a one-night stand, because that's what it will probably turn out to be. Sure, it COULD develop into something real, but I think most guys take relationships more seriously when you go the time-honored route of dating, holding hands, kissing, etc., etc., step by tortuous step... a long process that you CAN initiate, but mostly HE has to be in the driver's seat, asking you out on dates etc. Like it or lump it, them's the rules, especially in Japan.

                          Am I old-fashioned? Maybe... or maybe I'm just ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY!

                          Good luck.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                            If you only saw it once, how did you know it was Ally's theme song?

                            DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Brushed off by a j-guy IN BED!!!

                              I dunno Tokyoite, I'm not sure if those are the rules in Japan or not. I know alot of couples that got together really fast - sex "right off the bat," so to speak, and ended up in long relationships. I've often heard that at least the girls here are quick to "cement" relationships here if they really want a guy - first it's sex, and then she's cleaning his house and cooking for him every day. Then, it seems that one night stands are also pretty common, and that it's often with someone one is already casually friends with, and and mutually understood beforehand as a one-night-stand.

                              I REALLY don't think this guy is out for a one night stand. Things have been far too time consuming for such to be worthwhile.

                              yeah, and I kinda doubt that sending him a gift would be a good idea. Cooking for him? Well, that MAY be possible.

                              But all this waiting around is driving me crazy! I want to know what direction this is going in, or if it is going in any direction at all.

                              On top of all this, I live far away from him, calling is expensive, and he's really busy with work and doesn't seem to have time/inclination to call or mail very much. Perhaps that's the indicator right there. - sigh -

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