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  • Longing Father

    I was married to a Japanese national and we have a 12 year old daughter. We divorced about 10 years ago but communication with my daughter has been regular after the divorce (by email, airmail and phone). My daughter would send me and my family (my parents, my aunt and my grandmother) pictures, Christmas cards, and would phone me from time to time.
    About 1 1/2 years ago, all the communication suddenly stopped.I never get replies from my emails and they seemed to have changed their landline phone number. What could be the reason for this? Could it be Japanese culture?- as I am guessing my ex-wife remarried though I am not sure.
    Anybody with similar experienced?
    Thank you very much.

    by the way she's in Japan and I'm in the Philippines.
    Last edited by chi.ong; 2011-04-24, 01:39 AM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by chi.ong View Post
    I was married to a Japanese national and we have a 12 year old daughter. We divorced about 10 years ago but communication with my daughter has been regular after the divorce (by email, airmail and phone). My daughter would send me and my family (my parents, my aunt and my grandmother) pictures, Christmas cards, and would phone me from time to time.
    About 1 1/2 years ago, all the communication suddenly stopped.I never get replies from my emails and they seemed to have changed their landline phone number. What could be the reason for this? Could it be Japanese culture?- as I am guessing my ex-wife remarried though I am not sure.
    Anybody with similar experienced?
    Thank you very much.

    by the way she's in Japan and I'm in the Philippines.
    if one were to do the math... You separated from your wife when your daughter was 2 years old, and had communication from someone, from that time to until she was 10 and half years old, which was one and half years ago. Correct??

    There is not cultural reason for the communication to have stopped. Within that time, the economy has tanked. Jobs lost. They may have had to relocate. It is doubtful a remarriage, but still a possibility. Where they living with her parents?? Why not travel here to see them in person?

    Comment


    • #3
      This is a hard situation.
      You can't call or email.
      You can't go visit if they have moved.

      Are you paying child support? If so, go to the address where it's being sent, or find out where it's being cashed.
      That should be easy enough.
      If you are not paying child support, and don't care enough to see your child for years... then why suddenly care now?
      Is it just the disaster that made you remember your daughter?

      Do you speak Japanese and know anybody in their immediate family?
      The older generation is very unlikely to move, so I would recommend trying to contact them.
      If you don't know Japanese, you can hire a J-person there. Do not hire a foreigner, as it'll be weird enough already.

      Sorry if my post sounds rude.
      I really wish you luck man.
      If you try, there should be no reason that you can't find them.
      I know people in Osaka and Tokyo if they are in those areas.
      PM me and I'll do my best to point you in the right direction.

      Comment


      • #4
        I had regular communication with her since 1 1/2 years ago.
        That's with my daughter and my ex-wife. My daughter would at times
        call me ( I am assuming my ex-wife was the one who dialed) and we would have a long chat.
        I naturally asked my ex-wife if I could go there and visit my daughter, but she politely turned it down.
        It was OK with me then as I have regular communication with my daughter,maybe my ex was not yet ready to see me.

        We also exchanged email regularly. But up until about 1 1/2 years ago she stopped replying to my email.
        During the last earthquake I naturaly got worried and was emailing her and calling them. But she blocked my email address and changed their number.
        I was just wondering why the sudden change.

        I am afraid to visit them for simple reason that she would refuse to let me see my daughter. I wouldn't know what I would do in that situation.

        Anyway thanks for all your replies

        Comment


        • #5
          I'll hazard a guess: PUBERTY

          Your daughter is becoming teenager, a young woman. At that age many girls start to distance themselves from their fathers. You are an absent father, for whatever reasons which you have not told us, you have never visited your daughter or tried to. What efforts have you made to communicate with her, to tell her what feelings you may have for her?

          She is busy dealing with the life changes that are going on, and now other males are starting to take your place to some extent. She is also reaching that age where children begin to evaluate and judge their parents with a new, more independent view. She may have decided that you are not much of a father and not worth further emotional invovlement. She may also be testing your level of commitment. And of course, her mother may have finally been able to poison her attitude to you enough that she has lost interest. I suspect a combination of all these things.

          The ball is in your court now.

          Later in life, she may seek you out again. You must decide whether you want to wait that long, or can.

          Whether she does will probably depend on whether you try to maintain some kind of contact with her.

          Good luck.

          Comment


          • #6
            I will add that I have had the same experience and my daughter (now 17) lives only 20 minutes away.

            Refuses to answer emails except to thank me for birthday presents and Christmas presents, Does not respond to offers to visit or do things together. Have not spoken to her or heard her voice for 18 months.

            Most likely she is busy with school, friends, juku, club activity and fathers are close to non-existent in their daughters lives and she wouldnt be seen dead walking in the street with her father. I was told by the court here to wait until she is 20 before she can think independently of her mother (she has no choice to as mother is supporting her) and not living there you have minimal or no influence over mother or daughter unless they WANT to. Its not a good idea to divide and conquer and make small children choose to take sides, create divided loyalties over one parent or the other, especially when she is living with one of them.

            Brainwashing and alienation of kids against a non-custodial parent is endemic in this country and unfortunately there is not a lot you can do except wait for her to grow out of it.




            Originally posted by Wavey Man View Post
            I'll hazard a guess: PUBERTY

            Your daughter is becoming teenager, a young woman. At that age many girls start to distance themselves from their fathers. You are an absent father, for whatever reasons which you have not told us, you have never visited your daughter or tried to. What efforts have you made to communicate with her, to tell her what feelings you may have for her?

            She is busy dealing with the life changes that are going on, and now other males are starting to take your place to some extent. She is also reaching that age where children begin to evaluate and judge their parents with a new, more independent view. She may have decided that you are not much of a father and not worth further emotional invovlement. She may also be testing your level of commitment. And of course, her mother may have finally been able to poison her attitude to you enough that she has lost interest. I suspect a combination of all these things.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Wavey Man View Post
              I'll hazard a guess: PUBERTY

              Your daughter is becoming teenager, a young woman. At that age many girls start to distance themselves from their fathers. You are an absent father, for whatever reasons which you have not told us, you have never visited your daughter or tried to. What efforts have you made to communicate with her, to tell her what feelings you may have for her?

              She is busy dealing with the life changes that are going on, and now other males are starting to take your place to some extent. She is also reaching that age where children begin to evaluate and judge their parents with a new, more independent view. She may have decided that you are not much of a father and not worth further emotional invovlement. She may also be testing your level of commitment. And of course, her mother may have finally been able to poison her attitude to you enough that she has lost interest. I suspect a combination of all these things.

              The ball is in your court now.

              Later in life, she may seek you out again. You must decide whether you want to wait that long, or can.

              Whether she does will probably depend on whether you try to maintain some kind of contact with her.

              Good luck.
              It could be what this poster above said or it could be that your daughter and mom are not getting along and mom decided to cut her off for whatever reason or it could be something worse. Japanese people might move,, but usually they will just transfer their internet account to their next address you can trace their old e-mail and that should give you and idea of roughly where they are living. Where in Japan where they living, if it was anywhere in or near the disaster zones, You might prepare for the worse.

              If it was my daughter I would be on the first flight here and knocking on the door of the address I have for them. The wife be dammened, I would not care whether she agreed or not, wanted to see me or not.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                I will add that I have had the same experience and my daughter (now 17) lives only 20 minutes away.

                Refuses to answer emails except to thank me for birthday presents and Christmas presents, Does not respond to offers to visit or do things together. Have not spoken to her or heard her voice for 18 months. .
                Sounds harsh.

                Do you have any other children?

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by OtoriOsaka View Post
                  Sounds harsh.

                  Do you have any other children?
                  I have a son aged 12 and at least he makes the effort to keep in contact. Saw him for the first time in 6 months (he's busy too, just started JHS)

                  He friended me on Facebook and gave me his mobile email address (though he wouldn't tell me what school he goes to). He knows daddy is important but its different for girls as they become close to their mothers.

                  My advice to OP for what its worth

                  Mother may have brainwashed daughter to believe you were an AWOL father or she may have reached that conclusion on her own.

                  All you can do is keep in touch, email if you can (if you go to court here you may be able to seek visitation rights, you wont know unless you ask) if you have a contact address, parents address thats the best place to start.
                  Check if she has a Facebook page under her mothers maiden name.

                  At that age you can not force them to be in contact with you or force them to see you against their will.Maybe the mother has a hand in it but from my own experience once you sign a divorce paper then by default you sign away your kids too.


                  Let kids know you love them, by asking how they are doing, sending presents on birthdays or gifts etc.
                  Last edited by KansaiBen; 2011-06-11, 05:34 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by chi.ong View Post
                    I.I never get replies from my emails and they seemed to have changed their landline phone number. What could be the reason for this? Could it be Japanese culture?-
                    If the mails are not bouncing back it can mean she is reading them but simply choosing not to respond. All you can do is keep up a 'monolog' and keep sending her mails every so often without overdoing it. Just let her know you exist and still care.

                    If the number has changed the message will either tell you the number is no longer in service or has changed to a new number, sometime the computer will direct you to the new number. If not then you can only get the number if you have a current address. Catch 22.

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