Baby, baby, baby!

[girlygirlinjapan]

I've never wanted a baby, but now that I am past 35 my head is filled with the thoughts of having a family. I am married but my husband doesn't want children.
Argh!!
Do I just give up on the idea and get a dog instead?

[TJrandom]

I've never wanted a baby, but now that I am past 35 my head is filled with the thoughts of having a family. I am married but my husband doesn't want children.
Argh!!
Do I just give up on the idea and get a dog instead?

Dogs make poor children, and worse grandchildren.

Why doesn't hubby want children? Doesn't like them? Can't afford them? If you can determine why, you might find a solution that deals with his concern.

[girlygirlinjapan]

Dogs make poor children, and worse grandchildren.

Why doesn't hubby want children? Doesn't like them? Can't afford them? If you can determine why, you might find a solution that deals with his concern.

Money is not the issue. Liking them is not the issue. He just doesn't want his own. As I said neither did I until about the last year.

I am just not sure I want to wake up one morning in my 70's and regret not having them. But in saying that I do like being able to what I want when I want without thinking about wee ones.

[KansaiBen]

I am just not sure I want to wake up one morning in my 70's and regret not having them. But in saying that I do like being able to what I want when I want without thinking about wee ones.

You also want to make sure you don't wake up and start hating or resenting your husband for not giving them to you. You will have to decide which you love more, your husband or the idea of having kids.

[girlygirlinjapan]

You also want to make sure you don't wake up and start hating or resenting your husband for not giving them to you. You will have to decide which you love more, your husband or the idea of having kids.

Well that is easy. I love my husband more.
Dogs it is then you think?

Are pets expensive to keep in Japan.

We live in a house with a yard so they won't be indoor dogs.

Can you get rescue dogs in Japan?

As much as I'd like a previously unowned dog. I also think that taking ownership of unwanted dogs a good thing.

[Bella Bowtruckle]

Well that is easy. I love my husband more.
Dogs it is then you think?

Are pets expensive to keep in Japan.

We live in a house with a yard so they won't be indoor dogs.

Can you get rescue dogs in Japan?

As much as I'd like a previously unowned dog. I also think that taking ownership of unwanted dogs a good thing.

I hear you in a way. I've vacillated, sometimes really wanting kids, sometimes not. I'm older than you are now and I'd say these days it's still not too late to wait, although that may involve health risks. But the thing for me is, I am so ambivalent. So if I had a kid and then decided it was a mistake, what then ? Far too cruel. I need to be sure, and I'm not. For me it's better to let the people who really really want children to have them. I'm a teacher, so I have no shortage of contact with young people. Plus I'm an aunt. Perhaps sadly, my man does want kids, as does his family (want grandkids/nieces/nephews/cousins etc.) but he's a teacher too and in that respect he understands that we're pretty devoted to our students and so may in a way sacrifice having a family of our own and still love and be loved by future generations.
Waking up in your seventies alone, that doesn't cut it with me. If you save enough money you'll afford care. If you contribute enough to society and are sociable you won't be lonely.
Yep, taking in a stray can be a great thing. I took in a cat. Coping with her combination of adorability and utter selfishness. Plus her tendency to howl in the middle of the night and destroy everything she comes into contact with - well that certainly helped prepare me a bit more for a child. One who absolutely can't be reasoned with. It actually made me a bit more certain that I wasn't destined to be a mother, while proving to me that I did have the patience/stomach to cope with the poop, puke and loss of my own time if it absolutely became necessary. I still sometimes wonder, and I know I'd be a great step-mother/adoptive mother but Japan doesn't really seem to be set up that way.

[yu_ominae]

Well that is easy. I love my husband more.
Dogs it is then you think?

Are pets expensive to keep in Japan.

We live in a house with a yard so they won't be indoor dogs.

Can you get rescue dogs in Japan?

As much as I'd like a previously unowned dog. I also think that taking ownership of unwanted dogs a good thing.

Before you get a dog, I would urge you to think about all the hassle keeping a living thing involves. What will you do with it when you leave the country for a stint back home? Will you be living in Japan forever or will you have to be exporting your pet to wherever you will return to? Can you deal with walking them regularly?
If you can't bear the thought of thinking about the wee ones, then a dog might not be such a good idea either... not saying you can't do it, just saying you might regret getting the dog too. And it will never replace a child if you really wanted one in the end.

Maybe one of those robotic pets would be a good low maintenance solution for you?

[possum]

I hear you in a way. I've vacillated, sometimes really wanting kids, sometimes not. I'm older than you are now and I'd say these days it's still not too late to wait, although that may involve health risks. But the thing for me is, I am so ambivalent. So if I had a kid and then decided it was a mistake, what then ? Far too cruel. I need to be sure, and I'm not. For me it's better to let the people who really really want children to have them. I'm a teacher, so I have no shortage of contact with young people. Plus I'm an aunt. Perhaps sadly, my man does want kids, as does his family (want grandkids/nieces/nephews/cousins etc.) but he's a teacher too and in that respect he understands that we're pretty devoted to our students and so may in a way sacrifice having a family of our own and still love and be loved by future generations.
Waking up in your seventies alone, that doesn't cut it with me. If you save enough money you'll afford care. If you contribute enough to society and are sociable you won't be lonely.
Yep, taking in a stray can be a great thing. I took in a cat. Coping with her combination of adorability and utter selfishness. Plus her tendency to howl in the middle of the night and destroy everything she comes into contact with - well that certainly helped prepare me a bit more for a child. One who absolutely can't be reasoned with. It actually made me a bit more certain that I wasn't destined to be a mother, while proving to me that I did have the patience/stomach to cope with the poop, puke and loss of my own time if it absolutely became necessary. I still sometimes wonder, and I know I'd be a great step-mother/adoptive mother but Japan doesn't really seem to be set up that way.

I rescued a cat before I had a baby, and while on the one hand having a pet does prepare you for a baby - on the other hand nature gives you all those great hormones after the birth of a baby that makes your baby the greatest thing on earth. And makes it easier to deal with all the messy difficult stuff.

[Bella Bowtruckle]

I rescued a cat before I had a baby, and while on the one hand having a pet does prepare you for a baby - on the other hand nature gives you all those great hormones after the birth of a baby that makes your baby the greatest thing on earth. And makes it easier to deal with all the messy difficult stuff.

Yes, I've heard this before and I really really hope that if I ever have kids it will be my experience too.
On the other hand I have friends and family who say they just felt like they'd been given a child and had no idea what to do with it. They had no 'connection' for several months.
I know that you're a good mother and know a lot about raising kids. I know I'm a good teacher. But would I be a good mother? Maybe not. And so it may be better if I leave it up to the folks who really want to do their best and raise children. Again, I don't expect much to change quickly here...

[Andun]

Before you get a dog, I would urge you to think about all the hassle keeping a living thing involves. What will you do with it when you leave the country for a stint back home? Will you be living in Japan forever or will you have to be exporting your pet to wherever you will return to? Can you deal with walking them regularly?
If you can't bear the thought of thinking about the wee ones, then a dog might not be such a good idea either... not saying you can't do it, just saying you might regret getting the dog too. And it will never replace a child if you really wanted one in the end.

I have to agree. A lot of owners do not look after their pets properly and do not understand the commitment that having a pet (especially a dog) is.
Having a child is a huge responsibility that takes over your life. However, for most woman once they have that child they will be committed. For any woman with a conscience enough to worry about what they might feel after the child is born I would say those doubts will disappear after the child is born. Everyone has doubts.

[ttokyo]

Do you have any friends with small children ? Paying them a visit and get some first-hand experience might improve the decision process.

[well_bicyclically]

this country is full of kids born to one-parent couples. what is one more?

[Effected After]

This thread reminds me of the first 36 seconds of this video:

Chickmate

[girlygirlinjapan]

This thread reminds me of the first 36 seconds of this video:

Chickmate

Um I don't understand.

[yu_ominae]

Um I don't understand.

I have a son now, born last April. I really wasn't sure about children until the second before he was born, after that I was sure that this was the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get a dog, keep working on your husband and next year he'll probably give in If there is one thing I've learnt so far in my life it's that what a woman wants she usually gets.

[speedboat]

I've never wanted a baby, but now that I am past 35 my head is filled with the thoughts of having a family. I am married but my husband doesn't want children.
Argh!!
Do I just give up on the idea and get a dog instead?

So you came to a forum about Japan to ask this?

You are either retarded (meaning your first name starts with an 'S') or a troll.

[YokohamaTommy]

If you are on the fence about it, it *may* mean that deep down you probably want them.
But I think it's important to investigate why you may feel that way.
Biological clock? Change in life values? Saw a friend with a baby and want one yourself?
Pressure from the grandparents? Or something else.
As you can imagine, babies are a life game-changer.
They are selfish little tyrants, and will be for many years.
Not everyone has the temperament or disposition required to make such a 24 -7 commitment.
That's not a judgement at all on people who decide not to have children.

It's a personal choice, between you and your husband.

That said,
You might regret not having children.
But you will never regret having them.

And just remember one important thing:

Babies leak.

...From both ends.

[rich dude kryptonite]

The leaking part doesn't last very long though. If you have two kids, 2 years apart, the 24-7 part really only lasts 10 years or so. After that they get their own interests and are at school clubs for a long time. Get your cuddles in now while you still can.

Raising kids is hard and expensive. But waking up on Sunday morning with all your kids and husband in your bed cuddling and then one of them bringing you a newspaper, before going home to make your kitchen messy with pancake mix in everyone's hair as they all get their turn stirring- most beautiful feeling in the world.

I can't tell you whether you want kids or not. I will tell you I didn't but got knocked up, knocked up again, married, knocked up twice again, and it was the best mistake ever. I love my children and I was an idiot for not wanting them. I don't get child time during work though, they're very separate.

[rich dude kryptonite]

Shite, now I want #5.

[ruserious]

Do you have any friends with small children ? Paying them a visit and get some first-hand experience might improve the decision process.

Good advice.

Hang out with friends who have small children. If most of your friends already have kids, your husband will feel a bit of pressure to have one as well.

Or you could just get your husband really drunk, get frisky, and let nature take its course.

35 is about the age where you really need to make a decision. If you put it off much longer, the chances of a difficult pregnancy or birth defects start to go up.

[xHime]

If you've gone until age 35 never once wanting children, and even marrying a man who doesn't want them either, I highly doubt you actually want them now. Possibly, you're just worried you will "regret it one day" being that you're 35 you don't have so many years left to safely conceive, and maybe it's more of a biological clock ticking type of thing than a genuine want. You don't spend 35 years not wanting kids and suddenly wanting one. You even said you love your husband more than your idea of having kids...most women who want to be mothers would not choose *anything* over having a baby.

I'm younger than you but I do not want children, never have, never will. You know this rather early on, I think. Don't change your mind now just because you are afraid to regret it later when you can no longer conceive.

[TJrandom]

Possibly just as an aside here – but it seems to me that Japan has many orphanages, or maybe just shelters for small children – but that most never leave until after they have completed school and start to work. If you can’t have your own – why not volunteer at one of these institutions. If you do so on a regular basis, you can become involved in their life and experience a degree of parenting.

[Effected After]

This thread reminds me of the first 36 seconds of this video:

Chickmate

Um I don't understand.

Sorry, I forgot to add the link:
http://www.flixonline.net/v/animated...-chickmate.php

[Seattlegirl]

If you've gone until age 35 never once wanting children, and even marrying a man who doesn't want them either, I highly doubt you actually want them now. Possibly, you're just worried you will "regret it one day" being that you're 35 you don't have so many years left to safely conceive, and maybe it's more of a biological clock ticking type of thing than a genuine want. You don't spend 35 years not wanting kids and suddenly wanting one. You even said you love your husband more than your idea of having kids...most women who want to be mothers would not choose *anything* over having a baby.

I'm younger than you but I do not want children, never have, never will. You know this rather early on, I think. Don't change your mind now just because you are afraid to regret it later when you can no longer conceive.

I disagree very strongly with this. I never wanted kids until suddenly I DID. Can't explain it; don't really understand it; but that's how it was for me. Even when I got married, I was like, "Yeah, maybe someday..." I also know plenty of women who never got this inexplicable urge and are happily childless.

girlygirl, maybe you will experience the same thing I did, and maybe not. Just wanted to let you know that for me, ambivalence turned quite suddenly into baby fever. It happens.

[spacetiger]

Yes, I've heard this before and I really really hope that if I ever have kids it will be my experience too.
On the other hand I have friends and family who say they just felt like they'd been given a child and had no idea what to do with it. They had no 'connection' for several months.

I felt like felt like I'd been given a child and had no idea what to do with it, but also a connection in that I didn't want to drop him. I just asked my wife how she felt & whether there was a sudden hormonal connection & she said no, just tired, connection was later.

[Effected After]

I had the opposite happen. I didn't particularly want kids, but my wife really did. I didn't have extreme objections to the idea, so I went along with it. But the second my son was born, I had an instant connection. And it's never gone away. He's pure awesomeness.

[ume]

Well that is easy. I love my husband more.

You only say that because you dont have a kid. If you had a kid there would be no damn contest.

See my thinking is .. you can get a new husband next year, or in 10 years, or in 30 years.

Your time limit on getting a baby ... much shorter. Tick tock tick tock.

[Andun]

I disagree very strongly with this. I never wanted kids until suddenly I DID. Can't explain it; don't really understand it; but that's how it was for me. Even when I got married, I was like, "Yeah, maybe someday..." I also know plenty of women who never got this inexplicable urge and are happily childless.

This is my (or rather my wife's experience) too. Suddenly at 33 she had the urge. Unless you reach that certain age there is no way you (a woman) will know your feelings on the matter for certain.

[possum]

I disagree very strongly with this. I never wanted kids until suddenly I DID. Can't explain it; don't really understand it; but that's how it was for me. Even when I got married, I was like, "Yeah, maybe someday..." I also know plenty of women who never got this inexplicable urge and are happily childless.

girlygirl, maybe you will experience the same thing I did, and maybe not. Just wanted to let you know that for me, ambivalence turned quite suddenly into baby fever. It happens.

And I will add my vote here to disagree with xHime.

Really I have no idea why as a younger unmarried, childless woman xHime feels she is qualified to lecture the OP on what she really feels and wants. Respectfully, xHime, you don't have a clue.

They don't call it the biological clock for nothing.
In my 20s I was very ambivilent about having children. I didn't particularly like children, and definitely didn't see marriage and children as my lifes ultimate destiny. Meh - "some day"

I entered my 30s and blam there it was. It was a deep biological urge. It wasn't anything I thought about or reasoned over, it was this deep longing.
I had my children and I have never regrettedhaving them. Other decisions I have regretted, but not my decision to have kids.

I still don't like other people's children all that much, but I love my own - and even like them a lot of the time.