Why is married status so important?

[oxymoron]

Seeing woman now who is marriage material so we will wait and see how it goes. I agree with Oxymoron, Im getting on with my life with or without kids, woudl prefer with but you cant make them do things they dont want to do. Its their loss, I think,in the end.

Good on ya, KB. Go for it!

[rainbowtokyo]

Some of you have coped with divorce bravely. And kept going.

I'm curious about Edin. He is ex-military and encouraged his daughter to sign-up, thereby saving a ton in tuition fees.

[Potnoodle]

Has anyone else noticed that in nearly every thread Kansai Ben makes a comment and always Effected After makes a demeaning comment about Kansai Bens private life straight away after.

If you look in every forum, in every thread it's the same deal.

Effected After, I really don't know what your problem is with KB but you have to admit that it is looking like you are obsessed with him...

Let it go, man. I'm sick of threads being turned into arguments between you and KB...

[ThaHamburgler]

Its not for lack of trying. Currently Im in situation where I can barely pay my bills and can not afford to do things. Offered to take my son skiing by bus tour (10,000 yen there and back including ski pass) said how can I afford that and not child support?


Got a bike licence 2 years back but she wont let them on a bike with me. Dragon lady wouldnt even let me drive my car in Japan. I have a large dog so have to think about him as well (pet hotel? bring dog? etc)

Yes pussy whipped but she has the kids now. I need her permission to do anything with them. Hard to do when slugging it out in court.

went bowling with son last year and I see him on platform occasionally. Daughter doesnt even return emails.

Seeing woman now who is marriage material so we will wait and see how it goes. I agree with Oxymoron, Im getting on with my life with or without kids, woudl prefer with but you cant make them do things they dont want to do. Its their loss, I think,in the end.

First and foremost, as just another internet random, no weight should be accounted to these words.

However, given a dog, one may be able to go to the dog park. Drive out to the countryside or to where ever. There are plenty of options that do not cost money, trust me, I have been unemployed for the last several months and still holding a relationship of sorts.

However, the key in my case is I will not settle for anything lower than a standard (law willing). She's in Auz, how can she enforce your payment? And if she has to come to Japan, can you not argue for your own rights prior to payment? May be poking wounded animal with a stick (you) and that is not my intent, simply to think of more options than have been pondered. Because the most chivalrous of blokes always turn out to be the most clueless and faaaaarked by their own provokation by their own means, myself included.

As for kids being whiny khants, tell them thats what they are and let them simmer in it. Whatever whiny khant answer comes back reply "Thatza shame". Cause it is, but even more so you don't get what you are paying for. Fvkk nicities, your wife is conducting business using the kids and leverage, and you need to use your own strengths as leverage to gain favor and success also. Life isn't a fkking game, and for her to treat it as such should only be a disservice (by her accord) to your children.

Says the 26 year old with a little expierence but moreso in politics perhaps

[KansaiBen]

However, the key in my case is I will not settle for anything lower than a standard (law willing). She's in Auz, how can she enforce your payment? And if she has to come to Japan, can you not argue for your own rights prior to payment? May be poking wounded animal with a stick (you) and that is not my intent, simply to think of more options than have been pondered. Because the most chivalrous of blokes always turn out to be the most clueless and faaaaarked by their own provokation by their own means, myself included.

My ex is back in Japan, has been for the last two years.

As for kids being whiny khants, tell them thats what they are and let them simmer in it. Whatever whiny khant answer comes back reply "Thatza shame". Cause it is, but even more so you don't get what you are paying for. Fvkk nicities, your wife is conducting business using the kids and leverage, and you need to use your own strengths as leverage to gain favor and success also. Life isn't a fkking game, and for her to treat it as such should only be a disservice (by her accord) to your children.

Mother is a lawyer with 15 years of family law under her belt in NZ, seen all many of messed up relationships and kids caught in the middle of warring parents. As I told ex, whatever she does to me its kids who are the victims here. Once they are grown up they wont have any memories with me, maybe Im naive but thats the way its turning out to be. Some end up angry at the mother for driving a wedge between them and their father. Daughters often end up alienated from their mother.


My strengths are that I can work until Im 65, probably remarry and maybe have more kids (no older and wiser). Told daughter if she doesnt want me around I cant do much about it, as Oxymoron said. My number is in the phone book.

[Effected After]

Has anyone else noticed that in nearly every thread Kansai Ben makes a comment and always Effected After makes a demeaning comment about Kansai Bens private life straight away after.

Sometimes I'm harsh on him because he's judgmental, narrow-minded, and harsh on newbies who have done nothing wrong other than being new. But when it comes to his kids, I honestly would like to see him be able to repair his relationship with them. We actually had a PM session earlier while I was giving him advice on how to work towards that effect. That's what I've tried to do in this thread as well.

I find a lot of the things he says annoying, but I don't hate the guy. I honestly do wish him the best with his kids. And when he is right on something, I have no problems with saying that.

[KansaiBen]

Sometimes I'm harsh on him because he's judgmental, narrow-minded, and harsh on newbies who have done nothing wrong other than being new.

Newbies are going to have a harder time when they come here than anything I can ever throw at them in the way of criticism. If they are so thin-skinned I wonder how they will cope in Japan long term IMHO.

[ozzijp]

The burden is also that in the last year I have seen my monthly salary drop by a third, but maintenance payments stay the same, and wife threatening court action if I don't cough up.

No more BS KB. You can appeal to family court if that indeed is true.

Every time you speak of kids, it's always about the burden, about how much money they cost.

That is a sad but accurate observation.

[KansaiBen]

No more BS KB. You can appeal to family court if that indeed is true.

Court date is next week so we'll see what happens.

[cornedbeefkarma]

Has anyone else noticed that in nearly every thread Kansai Ben makes a comment and always Effected After makes a demeaning comment about Kansai Bens private life straight away after.

Yes, Effected After seems to be quite a case. Obsessive is probably the right word. I am not sure where and why he gets the sense of superiority from as going on the present evidence, one KB is worth a hundred EAs.

[oxymoron]

KB, I've sent you a PM.

[Effected After]

Newbies are going to have a harder time when they come here than anything I can ever throw at them in the way of criticism. If they are so thin-skinned I wonder how they will cope in Japan long term IMHO.

You are going to have to explain to me how this justifies your being a jerk to someone you have never met who has done you no wrong.

[Genkii]

Marrying for love is one thing. Marrying for a visa is something else. I wasn't talking about me anyway. Genkii is hardly in a position to support himself in Japan, let alone anybody else in his life.

What is the problem if the girl has a job herself? I already told her several times I don't want a homestaying mom. Both her parents are retiring soon. I don't really know about the financial situation of her family, but I do know the family is accepting to foreigners.

I also never said I wanted kids as I don't want to get pussy trapped. Don't know where you get that information lol.

[gaijin ga iru]

I don't get the drama fix out of KB's situation that some here obviously do, but I've never believed that he sees children as a burden. He sees the situation that has been thrust on him, which unfortunately revolves around his kids, as a burden. No matter what he offers, his ex-wife will grab all she can while maligning what he offered. She'll never let it be satisfactory, and she has the kids' ear to make sure they see it her way. If you haven't been in that kind of situation, you can't appreciate the mental toll. He now regards marriage and having children defensively, which is understandable.

I'm curious about Edin. He is ex-military and encouraged his daughter to sign-up, thereby saving a ton in tuition fees.

There are many reasons why a military retiree would encourage his child to join the military. Even if it was about tuition, so what? Why is paying for a kid's tuition out-of-pocket superior to her working for it herself? Wouldn't you rather take care of your own tuition and relieve your parents of that huge financial hit?

[Jreperio]

"Do you take this woman to be your awfully wedded wife?" -- "Nein!"

[Effected After]

What is the problem if the girl has a job herself?

Nothing if you have no kids. But once you have kids, if both parents are working, it means the child generally doesn't get the proper amount of attention. Of course this isn't always the case, some parents manage to juggle it so that the kid is with one parent or the other all day, but in this case the parents don't get to see each other so much.

[KansaiBen]

What is the problem if the girl has a job herself? I already told her several times I don't want a homestaying mom. Both her parents are retiring soon. I don't really know about the financial situation of her family, but I do know the family is accepting to foreigners.

I also never said I wanted kids as I don't want to get pussy trapped. Don't know where you get that information lol.

You have no idea what will happen once you get married. You decide now you dont want kids but she changes her mind once her hormones and body clock kick in. You get her pregnant "by mistake" and kids become a fait accompli. You have to prepare for the unexpected and be prepared to deal with it.

People nowadays get married mostly so they can procreate, for without kids there is no real reason to tie the knot, but instead live together IMO.

There will also be some pressure on your wife to quit her job as she gets older and of child bearing age too.

[KansaiBen]

There are many reasons why a military retiree would encourage his child to join the military. Even if it was about tuition, so what? Why is paying for a kid's tuition out-of-pocket superior to her working for it herself? Wouldn't you rather take care of your own tuition and relieve your parents of that huge financial hit?

nowadays the rise in tuition fees exceeds many parents' ability to pay for it. When I was at college it was cheap and I graduated debt free. Nowadays kids end up with student loans of 50, or 60,000 doiiars. In my country there are 150 students with student debt of over $100,000. You have to consider how long it will take to repay the debt, and often times many parents dont have the financial resources to do it. If he can get the military to pay for it she will get a degree with no debt and a burden taken off her aging parents.

[KansaiBen]

I don't get the drama fix out of KB's situation that some here obviously do, but I've never believed that he sees children as a burden. He sees the situation that has been thrust on him, which unfortunately revolves around his kids, as a burden. No matter what he offers, his ex-wife will grab all she can while maligning what he offered. She'll never let it be satisfactory, and she has the kids' ear to make sure they see it her way. If you haven't been in that kind of situation, you can't appreciate the mental toll. He now regards marriage and having children defensively, which is understandable.

MY drama has also been that in Japan the law can actually work against you. I have seen this first hand when dealing with the courts and it aint pretty, and not just my ex but many exes milk it for all its worth.

In Japan kids are not seen as just your offspring but members of your wife's family. when we divorced she changed their names to her maiden name, gets to decide when and if they see me even if she says its OK. If the mother dies her mother can adopt the kids and gain custody instead of me. Courts will generally work in the wife's favor as she has the kids and they see me as the mealticket.

She tried to get me to pay until 22 when they finish university but I said until 20, or at least the finish of high school.

I have no objection to paying child support but the court made this judgement in spite of the fact me telling them my salary was unstable and based on 2010 figures.They ignored fact I would be earning less now. I am going to court to ask to pay less as I cant afford it.

[Effected After]

You have no idea what will happen once you get married. You decide now you dont want kids but she changes her mind once her hormones and body clock kick in.

This happened with a girl I know. She married an older guy who had three teenage kids, and they had an agreement that they wouldn't have kids. All was fine and dandy for about five years, until she all of a sudden REALLY wanted kids. They almost got divorced over the issue. She told me she knew that she was going against their original agreement, but she said she just couldn't help herself, she had grown to want kids so bad. They did end up working it out (and not having kids), but other couples wouldn't have made it through this.

[KansaiBen]

They did end up working it out (and not having kids), but other couples wouldn't have made it through this.

an old friend of my ex was married to an American who had had a vasectomy and they didn't have kids. Same story she decides in her mid 30's she wants to be a mother but cant and they ended up divorcing and she remarries.

[gaijin ga iru]

MY drama has also been that in Japan the law can actually work against you. I have seen this first hand when dealing with the courts and it aint pretty, and not just my ex but many exes milk it for all its worth.

In Japan kids are not seen as just your offspring but members of your wife's family. when we divorced she changed their names to her maiden name, gets to decide when and if they see me even if she says its OK. If the mother dies her mother can adopt the kids and gain custody instead of me. Courts will generally work in the wife's favor as she has the kids and they see me as the mealticket.

She tried to get me to pay until 22 when they finish university but I said until 20, or at least the finish of high school.

I have no objection to paying child support but the court made this judgement in spite of the fact me telling them my salary was unstable and based on 2010 figures.They ignored fact I would be earning less now. I am going to court to ask to pay less as I cant afford it.

Good luck with it, KB. Nobody is in your shoes but you.

[John Grey]

3 years ago I got told by my daughter she hated me because I wouldn't spend $500 on tennis lessons. This is after i financed her entire trip to Australia costing several million yen.

Son got pissed off last Christmas because I wouldnt buy him an Ipod for Christmas as I didnt have the money. I eventually bought one but in the meantime his Japanese relatives bought him one for Christmas. A few years ago my 10 year old son asked his granmother how much her house was worth because he thought she was rich. this came pretty much from my wife.

I love my kids but got taken to the cleaners by the ex and the kids are now programmed to see me as an ATM machine and a source of money. This is something their mother has instilled in them. I had problems with my own father that i didnt want to repeat with my kids but never got the chance to intil it into them.

As I dont have custody i have zero say in how they are brought up raised or educated but still have to spit out a maintenance check every month, regardless. Daughter I have not seen or spoken to in over two years. Courts will not enforce visitation either. Such a thing doesn't exist in Japan.

The burden is also that in the last year I have seen my monthly salary drop by a third, but maintenance payments stay the same, and wife threatening court action if I don't cough up.

Do not misunderstand me, I do understand your point. But, what puzzles me to no end is, why you did not simply drop everything where it might fall a long time ago, and packed your bag and got out of there?

[John Grey]

check your PM box


Biggest problem I have with kids is sense of entitlement, they are "owed" things simply by being born. If you dont spit out a computer or fees for camp or an I-pod you are a failure as a parent.

what I want kids to learn is the importance of discipline, self sacrifice, delayed self gratification and not being self-absorbed and spoilt.

Everything I have done in I have worked for and done myself, though it may not be much to a lot of other people. I really dont gi-ve a f-uck what other people think. Had people tell me Im a failure "because" Im an English teacher and not smart enough to do something else with my life. Try doing that when you have 4 mouths to feed like i did. Support a wife who doesnt work for 10 years, and sits on her arse and plays tennis while you work for a living, drives around in a car you bought and paid for.


I have had to deal with downsizings, layoffs, not finding work and not having enough money to pay bills. Have an ex-wife with her hand out for money, I will add a woman who thought she was owed all this stuff that I bought her, a HUGE sense of entitlement the size of Hawaii.

„you are a failure as a parent“

Not just you, basically everybody who ever had kids is a failure. It does not make the slightest difference what you do or do not and how hard you try. (Of course unless you abuse then, I am talking about “normal” people)

“what I want kids to learn is the importance of discipline, self sacrifice, delayed self gratification and not being self-absorbed and spoilt.“

And? Tell us, that you are the first man on the planet to have succeeded.
The point seems to be, that you are simply trying to be a good guy, but in reality, you are simply being taken. Is this the kind of life you want to look back on, when you get really old?
“The importance of self sacrifice…” Are you not a bit old that kind of childish superstition?

If your life in this country is really as wasted as this, you really could find something better anywhere!

[YokohamaTommy]

In my life,
My kids come first.
They come first before my wife, before my job, before my hobbies, and before my own needs and wants; even when it comes to life "lessons" I want to teach them.
I learned a long time ago that doing exactly that; loving your children with all you've got and not resenting a damn part of it makes for the exact role model you wish them to be.
I dote on my kids night and day. Are they spoiled with attention? Yup. Material goods? Nope. They know they can have whatever they want, but they seldom ask. Funny that.
By being kind and loving to my sons, they look at me very intensely as a role model. They see what it's like to put others before themselves. They see what it's like to work a full time job, then come home and spend every second making their lives happy. They see it. They appreciate it, even when they are acting like little selfish weenies. They may not see the whole picture now, but they will someday, even if I never mention it, because I am living it with them.
I was so hung up before on "making sure" they had the life lessons they needed so that they would not have a hard life like I did.
But the solution was staring me in the face.
Just give all of me to them. That's it. All of me. They are my treasures. They are my dreams. What I personally want means jack-squat.
It's ALL about my kids.
Everything else is just icing on the cake.

If I ever was in the position to pay child support or alimony, I'd give as much as I possibly could without batting an eye. I'd do anything my ex asked to be with my kids. Anything. And I would never complain, even a bit.
And I think most men of honor would as well, as long as their kids were happy.

[YokohamaTommy]

“what I want kids to learn is the importance of discipline, self sacrifice, delayed self gratification and not being self-absorbed and spoilt.“

Kids are mirrors.
Chances are, if your kids grew up to be non-disciplined, non-self sacrificing, non-delayers of gratification self-absorbed little pricks,
Then the parent was more than likely the same way.
Yet parents are the first ones to deny that what they are/do (as a negative) was being passed to the children.

With Kids, it's all about Monkey see, Monkey do.
And they see everything.

[nynapaj]

an old friend of my ex was married to an American who had had a vasectomy and they didn't have kids. Same story she decides in her mid 30's she wants to be a mother but cant and they ended up divorcing and she remarries.

The vast majority of people on this planet want to have kids. Anyone that doesn't want kids is in for a hard time simply because the odds of meeting another person that doesn't want kids is so low.
I say this as someone that does not want kids, so I know the odds are bad.

I even have homosexual friends that want kids!!

[oxymoron]

In my life,
My kids come first.
They come first before my wife, before my job, before my hobbies, and before my own needs and wants; even when it comes to life "lessons" I want to teach them.
I learned a long time ago that doing exactly that; loving your children with all you've got and not resenting a damn part of it makes for the exact role model you wish them to be.
I dote on my kids night and day. Are they spoiled with attention? Yup. Material goods? Nope. They know they can have whatever they want, but they seldom ask. Funny that.
By being kind and loving to my sons, they look at me very intensely as a role model. They see what it's like to put others before themselves. They see what it's like to work a full time job, then come home and spend every second making their lives happy. They see it. They appreciate it, even when they are acting like little selfish weenies. They may not see the whole picture now, but they will someday, even if I never mention it, because I am living it with them.
I was so hung up before on "making sure" they had the life lessons they needed so that they would not have a hard life like I did.
But the solution was staring me in the face.
Just give all of me to them. That's it. All of me. They are my treasures. They are my dreams. What I personally want means jack-squat.
It's ALL about my kids.
Everything else is just icing on the cake.

If I ever was in the position to pay child support or alimony, I'd give as much as I possibly could without batting an eye. I'd do anything my ex asked to be with my kids. Anything. And I would never complain, even a bit.
And I think most men of honor would as well, as long as their kids were happy.

PLEASE adopt me! I want to be your son.

[Seattlegirl]

PLEASE adopt me! I want to be your son.

I bet he'd let you have lots of beers!!

And I agree with YT. My kid never asks for anything and is always very grateful for what he's got because I've raised him in a loving way and he knows the sacrifices I've made in order to spend more time with him and see he gets what he needs, since he gets literally nothing from his father.

[KansaiBen]

“what I want kids to learn is the importance of discipline, self sacrifice, delayed self gratification and not being self-absorbed and spoilt.“

And? Tell us, that you are the first man on the planet to have succeeded.

I learned about the importance of hard work. Going to university for four years and then grad school for 3... Undergrad I paid for myself while my friends went out working.

Teaching 20 classes a week and doing grad school courses over a 2 year period part time while supporting a pregnant wife. get a masters degree IS delayed self gratification. I could have done lots of other things with the money.

Kids need to know money doesnt grow on trees or fall out of the sky. I was told I was a bad parent because I wouldn't pay for piano lessons on top of everything else.

The point seems to be, that you are simply trying to be a good guy, but in reality, you are simply being taken. Is this the kind of life you want to look back on, when you get really old?

Being the "good guy" is going to work every day, doing a job you hate, jump through hoops for the wife and spend your career "acquiring" things and trying to keep the little lady happy, usually with the expectation you get your leg over once in a while. Being a good guy is putting up with her carping and nagging. Nasty moods during her cycle perhaps. Being the good guy is not making waves and putting out bushfires on the home front. Lots of men want to do the whole macho routine that women need saving or protecting, that women need "rescuing". Lots of nice guys simply act like doormats and there wives and girlfriends know that and will take full advantage of it as the guy likely wont fight back.

“The importance of self sacrifice…” Are you not a bit old that kind of childish superstition?

You sacrifice a lot when you marry. Give up beer nights with the boys. A lot of your freedom. Being accountable and responsible to other people. Maybe spending thousands of dollars getting extra degrees so you can earn more money. Not have any time you can call your own. Putting off until tomorrow what you want today. People want the latest Ipad and will sleep out overnight in front of the store to get it, rather than wait 6 months and buy it at 30% discount. People are too impatient, too busy and want everything NOW and are worried about how they appear to other people..

If your life in this country is really as wasted as this, you really could find something better anywhere!

spending 20 or 30 years of your life with a spouse (or regretting having done so) you cant stand or you merely tolerate because of what a split up will do to kids is a waste in my opinion. Usually parents in that position make a judgement call but in the end you have to decide what makes you happy in the end.

[YokohamaTommy]

PLEASE adopt me! I want to be your son.

If there's beer in it for me, and if you can change your own daidee.

[oxymoron]

If there's beer in it for me, and if you can change your own daidee.

You buy the beer and I'll do the changing.
BTW, there could be a slight problem with me supporting you in your dotage.

[YokohamaTommy]

Kids need to know money doesnt grow on trees or fall out of the sky. I was told I was a bad parent because I wouldn't pay for piano lessons on top of everything else.

Recently I have you on ignore, but the topic keeps coming up, and I take that as a cry for help.
Perhaps you have the need to understand why your children and ex view you as they do despite your "best" efforts.
Perhaps your bitterness is caused by this. I suppose I would be bitter as well if I didn't understand.

Kids do know that money does not grow on trees. They are very intuitive. Yet they still want things.
There's a sort of explicit agreement that you will be taken for granted as a parent. It just sort of goes with the territory.
The point is, why do they want what they want? My son can go through a toy store without too much of a tantrum at the toy store.
But he and I play at the park or at home or wherever we are every chance I can spare.
It's our jobs to provide them as best as we can, not deny them because our childhoods were tougher. It's a sacrifice, but being a parent offers a very unique human experience which none other can provide.

Being the "good guy" is going to work every day, doing a job you hate, jump through hoops for the wife and spend your career "acquiring" things and trying to keep the little lady happy, usually with the expectation you get your leg over once in a while.

News Flash! You're supposed to do that. And without expectations of anything in return. I am certain your ex and children picked up on this.
You felt unappreciated? That's sort of also the territory..Only it's curious..even the worst brats will appreciate their parents' hard work.
Is it possible your love was conditional? or you had resentment? It sounds so.
I have asked this question before, not sure if you answered.
Why exactly did your wife divorce you? I assume she divorced you.
What were the reasons?

Being a good guy is putting up with her carping and nagging.

My wife does this. You know when she does it the most? When I'm screwing off, is when.
Has she ever nagged me about something which was bad for me or our family? No.
When does she stop nagging me?
When I do what I say I am going to do. And when I'm doing what I need to do.

Lots of nice guys simply act like doormats and there wives and girlfriends know that and will take full advantage of it as the guy likely wont fight back.

Being a Dad is about everything that is NOT you. Is it being taken advantage of to put my children's and wife's needs/wants before my own?
No. I call it being a leader of the family.

You sacrifice a lot when you marry. Give up beer nights with the boys. A lot of your freedom. Being accountable and responsible to other people. Maybe spending thousands of dollars getting extra degrees so you can earn more money. Not have any time you can call your own. Putting off until tomorrow what you want today.

I agree. That's 100% true. And that's called being a husband and Father.

People want the latest Ipad and will sleep out overnight in front of the store to get it, rather than wait 6 months and buy it at 30% discount. People are too impatient, too busy and want everything NOW and are worried about how they appear to other people..

You lost me. What does that have to do with anything?
That you fear your children are like that? If so, why are they like that?
Could it be that you are like that? Could it be that their Mother is like that? If so, why?

You are painting the picture that you are the victim here.
I think this is not entirely true.
So the point is, what did you do to contribute to their materialism and dislike of you?
I think you wrote somewhere that your ex poisoned them against you.
I can say by experience that if you were as dear to them as you wished, it would not matter what your ex said about you.
They simply would not believe it.

[YokohamaTommy]

BTW, there could be a slight problem with me supporting you in your dotage.

As long as I'm set up with beer and diapers in my old age,
I think the two will take care of me pretty well.

[YokohamaTommy]

I bet he'd let you have lots of beers!!

And I agree with YT. My kid never asks for anything and is always very grateful for what he's got because I've raised him in a loving way and he knows the sacrifices I've made in order to spend more time with him and see he gets what he needs.

Lest I be labeled a hypocrite, I relatively recently learned this by the way.

[oxymoron]

As long as I'm set up with beer and diapers in my old age,
I think the two will take care of me pretty well.

The dotage thing can be a bit of a worry. As a recent entry in the dotage stakes, I find that my wife supplies the booze, but I'm not confident about the daiper thing, should I ever need them.
I have nightmares about me, sitting in a wheelchair, covered in my own sh!t, but too pissed to notice. So, Who cares?

[KansaiBen]

Lest I be labeled a hypocrite, I relatively recently learned this by the way.

Have sent you a PM

[Effected After]

I guarantee that PM is filled with more justifications and excuses. KB, every post you write speaks of how your ex, society, and your kids have caused all of the issues that have arisen with your children. I don't ever recall seeing a single post admitting any culpability for the relationship, it's always someone or something else's fault. Until you admit your errors and take responsibility for your actions, you will never be able to heal the relationship between you and your children. Don't die with your kids hating you.

Tommy has actually given some very good commentary in this thread. You should read it again. You may think it's too late to heal the relationship between you and your kids, but it's most definitely not.

[edin日本]

Some of you have coped with divorce bravely. And kept going.

I'm curious about Edin. He is ex-military and encouraged his daughter to sign-up, thereby saving a ton in tuition fees.

It's actually tradition on my father's side. All of my uncles served in WW2 and at least one of my cousins from each family have served or are serving in the Canadian Armed Forces. In my daughter's case she is smart, smart enough to get into a good uni here in Japan but, unfortunately there wasn't enough to pay her tuition. My ex was adamant that the kid was going to be a doctor, I said that I didn't have the money but the Japanese government was more than willing to pay her way. As I see it I come out a winner, oldest kid is an officer in the JGSDF, a trained psychologist and is on her last required tour of duty. Once she musters out she can either set up a private practice, work for a good hospital as a member of their staff or go back to school and get an advanced degree in her specialty from a Canadian university/ teaching hospital.

IMO this has to be the most sensible route for anyone who has a kid in Japan who is smart and can't afford the tuition for a good university. The Japanese government will pay them good money to go to school and get a degree in medicine, engineering, computer programming or such like. And, as long as your kid is smart enough to opt for the JASDF or are studying to be a doctor they won't have to go into harm's way.

But most importantly, should your wife or, in my case ex, object you can tell her it's either that or the kid can be gainfully employed at Yoshinoya for minimum wage for the rest of their life.

[John Grey]

The vast majority of people on this planet want to have kids. Anyone that doesn't want kids is in for a hard time simply because the odds of meeting another person that doesn't want kids is so low.
I say this as someone that does not want kids, so I know the odds are bad.

I even have homosexual friends that want kids!!

Go to Europe, go to where civilised countries where educated people live, and ask them what they want... more than 50% no longer want kids...
Maybe you have never realized this, but there is a life possible on this planet without the basic habits of every mammal.... Some people have a life, where the void does not need to be filled with kids who end up being f...ed up by parents who just repeat the stupidity of their own parents.