Why is married status so important?

[Deathblob]

Go to Europe, go to where civilised countries where educated people live, and ask them what they want... more than 50% no longer want kids...
Maybe you have never realized this, but there is a life possible on this planet without the basic habits of every mammal.... Some people have a life, where the void does not need to be filled with kids who end up being f...ed up by parents who just repeat the stupidity of their own parents.

This guys explains it better than I ever could:

http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/201...arenthood.html

[nynapaj]

As I said before that women, Japanese especially, use the phrase "i want to get married" to mean, "I want to have children." I remembered a good example to illustrate this.

About 4 years ago I was talking with a female friend (Japanese) about a mutual friend (Japanese) who is in her 50s.
Me- Is Junko married?
Her- No.
Me- Does she have any kids?
Her- [laughing] I just said she wasn't married!
Me- ...? [thinking- "wtf!?"]

There is a direct connection in the minds of many Japanese women that being married and having kids are mutually interchangeable terms.

[YokohamaTommy]

This guys explains it better than I ever could:

http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/201...arenthood.html

Some days I'd just as soon throw my wife under bus for the hell of it.

[rainbowtokyo]

It's actually tradition on my father's side. All of my uncles served in WW2 and at least one of my cousins from each family have served or are serving in the Canadian Armed Forces. In my daughter's case she is smart, smart enough to get into a good uni here in Japan but, unfortunately there wasn't enough to pay her tuition. My ex was adamant that the kid was going to be a doctor, I said that I didn't have the money but the Japanese government was more than willing to pay her way. As I see it I come out a winner, oldest kid is an officer in the JGSDF, a trained psychologist and is on her last required tour of duty. Once she musters out she can either set up a private practice, work for a good hospital as a member of their staff or go back to school and get an advanced degree in her specialty from a Canadian university/ teaching hospital.

IMO this has to be the most sensible route for anyone who has a kid in Japan who is smart and can't afford the tuition for a good university. The Japanese government will pay them good money to go to school and get a degree in medicine, engineering, computer programming or such like. And, as long as your kid is smart enough to opt for the JASDF or are studying to be a doctor they won't have to go into harm's way.

But most importantly, should your wife or, in my case ex, object you can tell her it's either that or the kid can be gainfully employed at Yoshinoya for minimum wage for the rest of their life.

Take note KB. Maybe you can gently make your kids aware of their choices before they leave high school. If they are badgering you for guitar lessons, overseas trips and iphones at this age, their expectations will only get greater each time you cave in to their demands.

Thanks for sharing Edin.

[edin日本]

Take note KB. Maybe you can gently make your kids aware of their choices before they leave high school. If they are badgering you for guitar lessons, overseas trips and iphones at this age, their expectations will only get greater each time you cave in to their demands.

Thanks for sharing Edin.

It worked for me and my eldest daughter but, I won't say it will work for other people. It all depends on your background and family situation. I should also point out that the military is only interested in people with apptitude in the hard sciences, medicine and such like. Humanities, literature and other majors are encouraged to apply for positions as cannonfodder, moving target or redshirt as the case may be.

[Deathblob]

It worked for me and my eldest daughter but, I won't say it will work for other people. It all depends on your background and family situation. I should also point out that the military is only interested in people with apptitude in the hard sciences, medicine and such like. Humanities, literature and other majors are encouraged to apply for positions as cannonfodder, moving target or redshirt as the case may be.

She's in military college in the US? Or Japan?

I'd imagine Japan is not going to ship her off to the middle east when she graduates.

[Ame.Otoko]

3 years ago I got told by my daughter she hated me because I wouldn't spend $500 on tennis lessons. This is after i financed her entire trip to Australia costing several million yen.

Son got pissed off last Christmas because I wouldnt buy him an Ipod for Christmas as I didnt have the money. I eventually bought one but in the meantime his Japanese relatives bought him one for Christmas. A few years ago my 10 year old son asked his granmother how much her house was worth because he thought she was rich. this came pretty much from my wife.

I love my kids but got taken to the cleaners by the ex and the kids are now programmed to see me as an ATM machine and a source of money. This is something their mother has instilled in them. I had problems with my own father that i didnt want to repeat with my kids but never got the chance to intil it into them.

As I dont have custody i have zero say in how they are brought up raised or educated but still have to spit out a maintenance check every month, regardless. Daughter I have not seen or spoken to in over two years. Courts will not enforce visitation either. Such a thing doesn't exist in Japan.

The burden is also that in the last year I have seen my monthly salary drop by a third, but maintenance payments stay the same, and wife threatening court action if I don't cough up.

This country is jacked to he11 and back. It's already gone, it'll just take a few decades for that to become apparent.

[Genkii]

As I said before that women, Japanese especially, use the phrase "i want to get married" to mean, "I want to have children." I remembered a good example to illustrate this.

About 4 years ago I was talking with a female friend (Japanese) about a mutual friend (Japanese) who is in her 50s.
Me- Is Junko married?
Her- No.
Me- Does she have any kids?
Her- [laughing] I just said she wasn't married!
Me- ...? [thinking- "wtf!?"]

There is a direct connection in the minds of many Japanese women that being married and having kids are mutually interchangeable terms.

Yes I found out today. Sadly It's true.

[gaijin ga iru]

News Flash! You're supposedto do that. And without expectations of anything in return ...
You felt unappreciated? That's sort of also the territory.

That's true of the children. The wife, however, is an adult and should put forth equal effort and not take her husband for granted.

even the worst brats will appreciate their parents' hard work.

Not if the mother's behavior demonstrates that their father exists to be exploited.

My wife does this. You know when she does it the most? When I'm screwing off, is when.
Has she ever nagged me about something which was bad for me or our family? No.
When does she stop nagging me?
When I do what I say I am going to do. And when I'm doing what I need to do.

Why assume that KB's ex was the same way?

I can say by experience that if you were as dear to them as you wished, it would not matter what your ex said about you.
They simply would not believe it.

Kids are perceptive, but also impressionable. A mother could easily poison that well. That's what parental alienation syndrome is.

[Ame.Otoko]

except if you dont pay she tells kids you are a deadbeat and a failure. Son lives 20 minutes away and I saw him 3 times last year. Last week by accident on the train where he ignored me because he was with his friends and wouldnt acknowledge me. This is what Im dealing with and still have to send them money every month. Had son tell me not to buy him Christmas presents if i couldn't afford child support, this from a 13-year old.

Last month she threatened court action to seize my university salary and I currently owe her back payments.

What an evil, wretched thing your ex is. I hope your kids grow out of their self-centered stupidity.

[Call_It_Like_Eye_See_It]

What an evil, wretched thing your ex is. I hope your kids grow out of their self-centered stupidity.

Here's hoping the New Zealand obesity rate surpasses that of America's.... For all that fat that will do!

[KansaiBen]

Kids are perceptive, but also impressionable. A mother could easily poison that well. That's what parental alienation syndrome is.

I was told by the court to wait until they reach 20 so they are independent and can decide for themselves whether they want to be involved with their father or not. That means missing most of their childhood.

[gaijin ga iru]

I was told by the court to wait until they reach 20 so they are independent and can decide for themselves whether they want to be involved with their father or not. That means missing most of their childhood.

Man, that sucks.

There must an advocacy group pushing for child custody reform. When I get back to Japan, I'll look into contributing however I can.

[KansaiBen]

Man, that sucks.

There must an advocacy group pushing for child custody reform. When I get back to Japan, I'll look into contributing however I can.

As long as kids are with their mother there IS no reform. The only change that is on the horizon is Japan joining the Hague convention against international abductions mainly due to outside pressure (from the US). Japan is back in the dark age ages when it comes to promoting involvement of the non-custodial parent in Japan.

[thefg]

You dont have to pay alimony here (may have to if she is unemployed or cant work) but kids you are looking at 30-50,000 a month,y.

holly hell I wish that was all I was paying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


seriously if thats all your paying in child support what the f_ck are you moaning about being broke due to child support (or do you have several kids?)!

[thefg]

.

xcept if you dont pay she tells kids you are a deadbeat and a failure. Son lives 20 minutes away and I saw him 3 times last year. Last week by accident on the train where he ignored me because he was with his friends and wouldnt acknowledge me. This is what Im dealing with and still have to send them money every month. Had son tell me not to buy him Christmas presents if i couldn't afford child support, this from a 13-year old.

Last month she threatened court action to seize my university salary and I currently owe her back payments.

Oh man thats terrible (re the train, and the 3x)


I really feel your pain.


My brothers ex was a _____, she kidnapped his kids ran off the Bulgaria and he didnt see any of them for 12 years. Hes just be reunited (by them) as they are old enough to be able to decide for themselves.


Im fortunate. My ex is reasonable. I pay my share of child support and I get to see him one weekend a month (i could see him 2x if wished) i dont think shes ever bad mouthed me to him.

It is about time men get some equality when it comes to children. its time this sh1t was ended.

Thankfully in most other places (other than japan) its better (although still not perfect)

[John Grey]

As long as kids are with their mother there IS no reform. The only change that is on the horizon is Japan joining the Hague convention against international abductions mainly due to outside pressure (from the US). Japan is back in the dark age ages when it comes to promoting involvement of the non-custodial parent in Japan.

Please, do not misunderstand me, but..... why did it take you so long to understand this country?
When it comes to civilisation or culture, everything here is a centuries old joke.
When I came here 2005, it took me about four months to post my first commentary here, that Japan is nothing but a 3.World country with a lot of money..... Wherever i look, this is very obvious. From your comments here I gather you are an educated, intelligent man... what happened? You are paying the price for thinking with your deeck?

[KansaiBen]

seriously if thats all your paying in child support what the f_ck are you moaning about being broke due to child support (or do you have several kids?)!

Because Im also paying off credit card debt as well as outstanding city tax. Currently can not pay all my living costs ATM.

[KansaiBen]

PFrom your comments here I gather you are an educated, intelligent man... what happened? You are paying the price for thinking with your deeck?

You might say that. Marrying the wrong woman basically and and Hindsight is 20/20.

[Cultureshock]

You might say that. Marrying the wrong woman basically and and Hindsight is 20/20.

You could also say that if you give up on a marriage, that any problems after the divorce are partly due to your decision to divorce.

While you are married you have rights regarding your children, but once you divorce you give up those rights when you live here even if its a divorce based on mutual consent filed at city office, unless the correct box is ticked and you get custody.

[KansaiBen]

While you are married you have rights regarding your children, but once you divorce you give up those rights when you live here even if its a divorce based on mutual consent filed at city office, unless the correct box is ticked and you get custody.

You still have a legal obligation to pay child support until kids are 20, even if you dont see them. Courts will not enforce visitation but they will force non-payment of child support if they are so inclined.

I have no objections to paying child support but if its a choice between that and eating then I choose eating. Im currently between jobs at the moment so Im looking for more work. Child support is (or should be) based on ability to pay, not just on how much you earn.

[thefg]

I have no objections to paying child support but if its a choice between that and eating then I choose eating. Im currently between jobs at the moment so Im looking for more work. Child support is (or should be) based on ability to pay, not just on how much you earn.

if you cant afford 30,000 - 50,000 a month in child support (your numbers) without starving then maybe a good hard look at what your doing with your life is in order.

EDITED: Just saw you have other debts. Wouldnt you also have had these same debts if you were still married? We all have credit cards we all have to pay taxes - somethings wrong if you cant afford to do that and feed your kid. Tell me you dont smoke. You say your dating - that will cost you at least 30,000 a month Im sure........


Im sorry but i dont get how a father with responsibilities can mess up his finances so badly he cant afford to pay 30,000 to 50,000 a month so his kid can eat without being able to feed himself.

Hell Id be selling blood, flipping burgers, selling my sweet arse onthe street before letting my son think I cant afford my fundamental responsibilities. I wouldnt be "between jobs" Apart from anything else what is it teaching your son.









So while your "between jobs"

cant you get a job flipping burgers or something or is there a visa issue? If so (and seeing as you have no job and only see your son a few times a year) why dont you go back to whatever country your from get a job and send them the money?? why are you still here?????


Was your inability to provide for your family part of the reason she divorced you??

[KansaiBen]

if you cant afford 30,000 - 50,000 a month in child support (your numbers) without starving then maybe a good hard look at what your doing with your life is in order.

Im open to practical suggestions. Still have another 7 years of CS to go.

[oxymoron]

So while your "between jobs"cant you get a job flipping burgers or something or is there a visa issue?
Was your inability to provide part of the reason she divorced you??

Im open to practical suggestions. Still have another 7 years of CS to go.

Being "flippant", I recently heard of a roadside stall, selling dim sims, that could be for sale.

[KansaiBen]

EDITED: Just saw you have other debts. Wouldnt you also have had these same debts if you were still married? We all have credit cards we all have to pay taxes - somethings wrong if you cant afford to do that and fed your kid. Tell me you dont smoke. You say your dating - that will cost you at least 30,000 a month Im sure........

Not going to go into it here but Im currently paying off two credit card loans, 45,000 yen a month. Behind in city taxes. Had to go to doctor last month which cost me 90,000 yen. monthly Card balance is 40-70,000 a month including groceries, utilities etc. Have to pay rent and transportation costs. One of my colleges cut my classes in half from April because they hired a new full timer and they took classes from the part timers.

Dating not costing anything at the moment as its mainly email but we have met once in person. It looks like it has potential though.

Im sorry but i dont get how a father with responsibilities can mess up his finances so badly he cant afford to pay 30,000 to 50,000 a month so his kid can eat, be clothed and schooled.

Financed an entire trip to Australia for 3 people for 3 years, used up kids college fund and savings, and then got screwed over by wife. I asked for the divorce, not her.

Being seen flipping burgers at McDonalds by my current and former students probably would not look good.

[thefg]

Financed an entire trip to Australia for 3 people for 3 years, used up kids college fund and savings

was that responsible?

Being seen flipping burgers at McDonalds by my current and former students probably would not look good.

yeh because their opinion is really far more important that what your son thinks of you and your responsibilities towards him...


Im sorry but you sound like a deadbeat dad.


Go back to australia get a decent job (or get a better job here) and live up to your responsibilities first

befoire moaning about "your rights" as a father.

[Agitator]

Dating not costing anything at the moment as its mainly email but we have met once in person. It looks like it has potential though.

Oh, you didn't...

Laughingly,
A.

[KansaiBen]

Go back to australia get a decent job (or get a better job here) and live up to your responsibilities first

befoire moaning about "your rights" as a father.

I'm a Kiwi.

Im looking for another job but haven't found one yet and bills still gotta be paid.

The 3 years spent in Australia got my daughter into Doshisha as a returnee student, but at the cost of my marriage. I even sponsored the wife's visa so she could live and work there. My money went on my kids not me and I have been kicked in the teeth by ex as well as the kids. Wife wanted to go to Australia as she got a job there and didn't want to go to NZ where my family is. Everything was all about her and what she wanted for herself.



Biggest mistake I made there is liquidating all our cash assets instead of keeping some in Japan.

I still have house in NZ I am paying mortgage on too.

[rainbowtokyo]

I still have house in NZ I am paying mortgage on too.

Make hay while the sun shines. The market wont be buoyant forever. Goodluck

[edin日本]

Not going to go into it here but Im currently paying off two credit card loans, 45,000 yen a month. Behind in city taxes. Had to go to doctor last month which cost me 90,000 yen. monthly Card balance is 40-70,000 a month including groceries, utilities etc. Have to pay rent and transportation costs. One of my colleges cut my classes in half from April because they hired a new full timer and they took classes from the part timers.

Dating not costing anything at the moment as its mainly email but we have met once in person. It looks like it has potential though.



Financed an entire trip to Australia for 3 people for 3 years, used up kids college fund and savings, and then got screwed over by wife. I asked for the divorce, not her.

Being seen flipping burgers at McDonalds by my current and former students probably would not look good.

Here's something for you. When will you be going to Australia next? If it's sometime within the next month I'll pay you to go and pick up some supplies for me. It's very simple, the day before you leave for Japan you'll pick up several boxes of fish, plants and supplies from the people on this website and once in Japan you'll send them on to me ASAP. Website: http://www.aquagreen.com.au/

[rievi]

Maybe this is after all, a very late post, on a not so new thread, but i actually wanted to say this to KansaiBen, "i would kill to have a father like you". On my opinion, you have done lots, and i mean, LOTS of things for your children. No disrespect to the other fathers on this forum, which i know there are lots of great fathers in here. When it comes to parents and children, it is a very sensitive topic and every person, i'm sure has a different opinion and different pov on seeing and solving things, especially when it comes to their own children.

I came from a family which didn't actually lack of money. We're not poor, but we're definitely not rich. However, my parents, especially my dad, is a very hard to please person. There are only two children in my house, my older sister which is 4 years older and me. I can still recall how much i adore my dad despite the facts that he's rarely home cause he was working, he didn't really put attention on me, i've never even go to the zoo with my dad by that time. When he's home, and he's on a high stress level, and we annoyed him by being naughty, he simply took a leather belt and hit us repeatedly with it. We, of course, cried. I was 5 or 6 yo by then, and i simply can't understand why my dad would hit me. My mom, didn't even say a thing, didn't even try to stop my dad from it. Unfortunately for us, it wasn't the last time. Whenever something's on his nerve and we came in the way, he would hit us again without doubts. One time, when he opened his wallet, he found out that the amount of his money was decreasing, he got furious and blame us, the children, which we knew nothing about him missing some money from his wallet. He, then called us, and asked us to put our hands out with palms up, then he hit our hands with a thin wooden stick over and over again. This mostly happens when i was 5 to 7 years old. I was probably not the happiest kid in the world, but i didn't complain. When i was probably 20, i had a little argument with my dad, and he slapped me on the face. To be honest, it didn't even hurt, but i can't stop crying that day. When i was going to be 21, i asked my dad for $300 to buy my dream phone for my birthday, i never really had a birthday celebration or huge party or anything at all, so i guess he might consider it. Apparently, he didn't give a sh.it. He refused to give me any money yet a few weeks after that, he bought himself a HUGE lcd tv which worth $1700. He actually never remembered my birthday anyway..

I got into the best uni in Indonesia, it took me about 4 and a half year to earn a bachelor degree there. There was a time when we were studying about child abuse, my lecturer asked whether any students have experienced it. Out of fifty-ish students whose there, there are only two persons, including me, who raised their hands. The other student which was a girl, had it recently. She got slapped by her father for not obeying him, but after that her father came to her and apologized for doing such things. When the lecturer asked me about my experience, it suddenly hard for me to answer, and i just told her that i was abused when i was still being a minor but didn't explain anything further as it will be hurtful for me to talk about it in a full class room. Until today, i never really understand why would my dad hit me?? Why would someone who suppose to protect and love me, hit me, over and over again?? I was never being a demanding child at all, sometimes i wish i has my friend's father, for he being so nice, understanding and loving, but despite of that fact, i do realize i still adore my father.

There was one day when i was at the class and we were studying about children and parents divorce. The lecturer wanted to know our feedback about a topic, how should children react if their parents are divorced. She pointed a lof of students, and the students gave her a lot of different feedbacks, then she pointed at me and she asked, "what would you do if your parents getting a divorce?? Do you think they're being selfish by getting a divorce and what about the children", i answered, "I would leave it all to my parents, i'm sure they can take a wise decision about their lives. As for the children, children, do have obligations to their parents, and one of them, is to be able to understand their parents and appreciate whatever decision they would take, besides, it won't be healthy for children to grow up in such environment". She ended asking around the students, nodded her head and gave me a satisfied look cause of the answer i gave her.

Even though i didn't have a beautiful and perfect childhood, my ultimate purpose in life, is making my parents happy and proud of me. I always, until today put my parents needs in front of mine, despite of all the things they have done, they are still my parents. Despite all the things he has done, he is still my father, and i can't deny that he has given me so much in this life. When i looked at my own life, somehow, i knew deep down my father really loves me, other than the fact that he was abusive (not anymore at the present), he actually texted me once to my phone which says, "Jaga kesehatan nak, papa sayang ade (Take a good care of your health, daddy loves you, my dear daughter)", that was probably the happiest day on my life. I cried when i read that, but seriously, it was tears of joy, LOTS of tears of joy. Today, I managed to be a hard working person, and i assumed, based on everything that i've been through, i grew up okay and normal, but i promise myself that i will never, ever, hit my children.

So, KB, if a daughter who has been treated like me, still adores his father until this very moment on, i'm pretty sure that your children has their own way to adore you, which you might don't know about it. Sometimes children said things that they didn't mean to because they're too young to understand, but one day, they will understand that they are wrong to be taking you for granted. Until, that moment arrives, give whatever you can for your children while you still can. Despite of all the things that has happened, i know deep down you still care and love them so much.



For the other GPers, this is another novel by me *i'm trying to end this post lightly
@ Genkii, i ain't trolling !!!!

[edin日本]

So, KB, if a daughter who has been treated like me, still adores his father until this very moment on, i'm pretty sure that your children has their own way to adore you, which you might don't know about it. Sometimes children said things that they didn't mean to because they're too young to understand, but one day, they will understand that they are wrong to be taking you for granted. Until, that moment arrives, give whatever you can for your children while you still can. Despite of all the things that has happened, i know deep down you still care and love them so much.

KB is having a timeout for being bad. Instead I'll answer you.

I think I should at the least break your father's arms and legs. The way he treated you is inexcusable and I don't see why or how you put up with someone like that. A man who treats his children like that is not a man.

[KansaiBen]

So, KB, if a daughter who has been treated like me, still adores his father until this very moment on, i'm pretty sure that your children has their own way to adore you, which you might don't know about it. Sometimes children said things that they didn't mean to because they're too young to understand, but one day, they will understand that they are wrong to be taking you for granted. Until, that moment arrives, give whatever you can for your children while you still can. Despite of all the things that has happened, i know deep down you still care and love them so much.

Thanks for your post. Just also know that my father was an alcoholic, mentally and emotionally abusive. Never hugged or appreciated or told I was loved. His way of showing love was to buy things such as cars and horses and boats, mostly on borrowed money.

I have vowed never to act like my father to my kids and never hit them. I got criticised and insulted by them for not giving them money or buying them expensive things especially when I dont have the money. I have subsequently gone into quite heavy debt as a result of whats happened but get criticised when I cant pay what I'm supposed to pay. I have never hit my kids but tried to show discipline (teach them they have to work for things they want and not be self-indulgent and spoilt). There is no manual for learning how to raise kids and I have got as lot of stuff on here by people about what I should and shouldn't do. For the most part raising kids is based on trial and error and watching your own parents. Do it in a foreign country and foreign culture and its twice as hard, as well as holding down a job in a very unstable industry.

Despite a pretty f--ked up upbringing at home all my brothers and sisters have managed to turn out OK, despite my fathers behavior (violent erratic mood swings, embarrassing behavior in public, including the f-word, mum stopped going out with him a few years into their marriage) and I have had to work hard to carve a career for myself in Japan as well as support and raise 2 kids and support a wife on all I make. It hasnt been easy and have got a lot of patronising cynicism from people on this forum. Basically you just do the best that you can and make lots of mistakes along the way.

Hopefully when my daughter is 20 and starts work she will appreciated how hard I have to work to pay for things and maybe the ex-wife will too, now that she has to pay for everything herself. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. I stay in Japan partly to be close to my kids though i cant really force myself on them. I get the impression my son is somewhat embarrassed to have a gaijin daddy and he just wants to fit in at school etc. A bit sad really but thats the reality here.

[Genkii]

Ok now even for me this is getting too awkward....

Too much info.

[KansaiBen]

Ok now even for me this is getting too awkward....

Too much info.

Maybe, seeing as you seem pretty keen to get a Japanese girlfriend and talking about migrating here, Im just heaping a dose of reality on you. I made my share of mistakes but mostly its just a case of putting one foot in front of the other.

Raising kids in this country is not cheap, you have to deal with insular and parochial attitudes, language barriers. I myself was married to a very difficult woman and apart from my kids dont have too many fond memories of my marriage. Having kids you have to support them until they leave school, which can be until the end of university. You need to think about how you will pay for it over the long term.

You are not a native speaker of English so may find it hard to find jobs so you need to think hard about your skills, what you can offer people and reasons why they should hire you. Get rid of any fuzzy ideas of Japan being some kind of mystical Shangri-la. Mostly its not. For me these days its mostly a grind and a slog. thats just me though. Last few years has been downsizings and retrenchments, as well as escalating demands on my wallet.

Ive also met someone I like and am considering dating though nothing is official yet. Several years younger and would consider marrying at some point. We'll see how things go.

[rievi]

KB is having a timeout for being bad. Instead I'll answer you.

I think I should at the least break your father's arms and legs. The way he treated you is inexcusable and I don't see why or how you put up with someone like that. A man who treats his children like that is not a man.

Yeah, i was thinking so too. Of course you can imagine being a minor and physically abused, i can't run into no one. There was a time that i really disappointed at my mom for letting him hit us, i just couldn't understand why she did nothing, it's like she just turned her face away from us. My mom was actually not fully happy in the marriage itself, but her fear of the stereotype in being a widow, made us the victim. She's a housewife and she's too dependent to my dad which leads to me and my sister has always having a hard time in pretty much 25 years of our lives. My dad himself came from a culture which is violent, yet he grew up as a spoilt player who has everything. But from his culture, hitting his own children is allowed, as a part of parenting (mainly, quite modern, open minded people come from an island in Indonesia which called Java, and my dad came from Sulawesi). I, of course, don't have the same old values from him. The things i wrote above, was just a few things that my dad has done to us, there ain't even half of what i've been through. I tried a lot of times to convince my mom to just divorce him and leave, but til today, she's still with him..

One of the reason, why i ended up to be in Oz, is because i can't put up with it anymore. But despite of all those nasty things, i do realize how i still have a decent amount of love for him.

Thanks for your post. Just also know that my father was an alcoholic, mentally and emotionally abusive. Never hugged or appreciated or told I was loved. His way of showing love was to buy things such as cars and horses and boats, mostly on borrowed money.

I have vowed never to act like my father to my kids and never hit them. I got criticised and insulted by them for not giving them money or buying them expensive things especially when I dont have the money. I have subsequently gone into quite heavy debt as a result of whats happened but get criticised when I cant pay what I'm supposed to pay. I have never hit my kids but tried to show discipline (teach them they have to work for things they want and not be self-indulgent and spoilt). There is no manual for learning how to raise kids and I have got as lot of stuff on here by people about what I should and shouldn't do. For the most part raising kids is based on trial and error and watching your own parents. Do it in a foreign country and foreign culture and its twice as hard, as well as holding down a job in a very unstable industry.

Despite a pretty f--ked up upbringing at home all my brothers and sisters have managed to turn out OK, despite my fathers behavior (violent erratic mood swings, embarrassing behavior in public, including the f-word, mum stopped going out with him a few years into their marriage) and I have had to work hard to carve a career for myself in Japan as well as support and raise 2 kids and support a wife on all I make. It hasnt been easy and have got a lot of patronising cynicism from people on this forum. Basically you just do the best that you can and make lots of mistakes along the way.

Hopefully when my daughter is 20 and starts work she will appreciated how hard I have to work to pay for things and maybe the ex-wife will too, now that she has to pay for everything herself. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. I stay in Japan partly to be close to my kids though i cant really force myself on them. I get the impression my son is somewhat embarrassed to have a gaijin daddy and he just wants to fit in at school etc. A bit sad really but thats the reality here.

Thanks for sharing what you've been through which i know it must be hard to share this kinda things. I got the same money issue from my parents as well, as i felt sometimes they saw me as an atm machine and it is my duty to give money back to them as they spent a fortune to raised us. I do actually send money back home every week to support my mom as my dad refused to give her any money anymore (which this thing is really pissing me off), but i realize that i gotta give back at some point, so i contribute as much as i can. Sometimes, of course i felt sad cause i'm feeling that i carry to many peoples expectations on me and they're all asking for money, money and more money. I felt that my parents have failed to see that i have the obligation to take care of myself, save as much as money as i can for my future. What's happening now is, if i can't give them as much as money as they asked, they will use guilt like i'm some kind of an ungrateful mean child who let her parents suffer, unfortunately, i'm a kind of person who can't stand the feeling of being guilty. I will totally look like sh.it and will start to have a sleeping disorder every time my parents use this on me, this is probably the damage that my parents have caused me. Until today, i'm still trying to manage my feelings, continually motivate myself and embed a faith that i am not an ungrateful mean child for not being able to give everything that my parents ask.

As for your children and wife, i do hope they will change at some point and not taking a father like you for granted. It is breaking my heart to see the fact that plenty of children out there whose desperately need a loving responsible father, yet the ones who has them, seems to be throwing it away. But as i said before, just give all your best for your children, give give give and never expect anything in return, so whatever happens, you will regret nothing. And at some stage of your children's life, they will realize that you have, tried and given your best.. Chin up KB

[edin日本]

Maybe, seeing as you seem pretty keen to get a Japanese girlfriend and talking about migrating here, Im just heaping a dose of reality on you. I made my share of mistakes but mostly its just a case of putting one foot in front of the other.

Raising kids in this country is not cheap, you have to deal with insular and parochial attitudes, language barriers. I myself was married to a very difficult woman and apart from my kids dont have too many fond memories of my marriage. Having kids you have to support them until they leave school, which can be until the end of university. You need to think about how you will pay for it over the long term.

You are not a native speaker of English so may find it hard to find jobs so you need to think hard about your skills, what you can offer people and reasons why they should hire you. Get rid of any fuzzy ideas of Japan being some kind of mystical Shangri-la. Mostly its not. For me these days its mostly a grind and a slog. thats just me though. Last few years has been downsizings and retrenchments, as well as escalating demands on my wallet.

Ive also met someone I like and am considering dating though nothing is official yet. Several years younger and would consider marrying at some point. We'll see how things go.

KB, several things I'm going to point out and then I hope you move on and stop wallowing in self flagellating pity.

1) Lots of people had really sh!tty lives when they were kids. Richard Branson and John Lennon spring to mind of 2 who were/are poster children for being beat on by their parents when they were kids. What's noticeable is that they rose above it and went on to become something.

2) If there's a woman out there that you like and want to be with then stop frakking around and do something about it before she decides to walk.

3) Talk to your kids and your ex. Stand up and lay down the situation as you see it and what you're going to do about it. Stop being a doormat.

4) If you need therapy I know a good English speaking shrink (family connection)–won't cost you more than an arm in fees, well experienced and she'll respect patient confidentiality.

[oxymoron]

If you need therapy I know a good English speaking shrink (family connection)–won't cost you more than an arm in fees, well experienced and she'll respect patient confidentiality.

And won't post her opinions on your problems on GP more than once a week.

[KansaiBen]

I just got an email from my daughter tearing strips of me for sharing her photo on Facebook, saying she wants nothing more to do with me. Its public information but she was going on about invading privacy when photos are on her home page. Photos are in public domain. I dont talk to my ex except through court mediators. Someone said GP is like therapy for me which is probably true as I cant afford 10,000 yen an hour for a head shrink. The one I had at home cost $150 an hour for her time.

The woman I am now seeing lives 2 hours away by train, works 12-14 hour days and is very busy ATM. she said after May when things settle down in her job then we can spend more time on the dating and socialising part. The hardest part is over I think and I just need to see where her head is at. In past if you are too eager you can scare them off, I found.

John Lennon was writing music when he was 15, in the Beatles by age 21 or 22 and a millionaire several times over by 25. the guy had talent.

1) Lots of people had really sh!tty lives when they were kids. Richard Branson and John Lennon spring to mind of 2 who were/are poster children for being beat on by their parents when they were kids. What's noticeable is that they rose above it and went on to become something.

2) If there's a woman out there that you like and want to be with then stop frakking around and do something about it before she decides to walk.

3) Talk to your kids and your ex. Stand up and lay down the situation as you see it and what you're going to do about it. Stop being a doormat.

4) If you need therapy I know a good English speaking shrink (family connection)–won't cost you more than an arm in fees, well experienced and she'll respect patient confidentiality.

[Effected After]

I just got an email from my daughter tearing strips of me for sharing her photo on Facebook, saying she wants nothing more to do with me. Its public information but she was going on about invading privacy when photos are on her home page. Photos are in public domain.

Please don't tell me this was your reply to her.