Marriage breaks up and leads to affair and child out of wedlock...what about kids?

[SometimesJustMe]

One of the great things about raising children; You get the see the whole world anew for the first time:
Example, just now my 10 month old took an expedition from the family room down the hall to the 1st floor bathroom.
By his behavior, it was the same as going to the moon.

Agreed. Now let's see how exhilarated you are during their terrible-twos, and teenage life.

People who divorce loved each other deeply once.
So where did it go?

Either they, or the person they married (usually a combination of both) aren't the same person they married. It's just as easy to grow apart as it is together, particularly when the marriage starts off with each having different ideas of what "marriage" is and different expectations out of a partner. As a stereotypical example, in Japan particularly there is a tenancy for the female to dramatically change her orientation of the family the first few years after giving birth, something the average western man could and would have never expected from the outset. You obviously both go into with the best of intentions, but often times it's not until years in that you/they/you both realize how mistaken you were.

[Piethrower]

Either they, or the person they married (usually a combination of both) aren't the same person they married. It's just as easy to grow apart as it is together, particularly when the marriage starts off with each having different ideas of what "marriage" is and different expectations out of a partner. As a stereotypical example, in Japan particularly there is a tenancy for the female to dramatically change her orientation of the family the first few years after giving birth, something the average western man could and would have never expected from the outset. You obviously both go into with the best of intentions, but often times it's not until years in that you/they/you both realize how mistaken you were.

Yes yes, people change, expectations differ blah blah blah. Those are the tired rationalizations people in failed marriages trot out. No doubt much of it's true but as a cautionary tale it's not nearly frightening enough.

People who divorce loved each other deeply once.
So where did it go?

Tommy, think of love as a humming bird which hovers between you and your wife. Now I want you to make sweet, deep, passionate rodeo love to your wife. We'll wait...

More tissues? Ok, at this moment the humming bird is sated and happily flutters amongst the flowers in your wife's honey-glazed hair. Marital bliss. I'm truly happy for you...But you must consider, Tommy, that a humming bird is always a mere few hours away from starving to death. And hasn't your wife been hinting that she wants a kitten?

Do you know how hard it's gonna be to keep that bird alive, Tommy? Do you have any f*cking idea?!

Love Tommy, no matter how deep, is very perishable.

[SometimesJustMe]

Yes yes, people change, expectations differ blah blah blah. Those are the tired rationalizations people in failed marriages trot out. No doubt much of it's true but as a cautionary tale it's not nearly frightening enough.

You're correct, but unless you've been there it is near impossible to explain to someone seeing life through love tainted glasses. My point being there was no doubt an awful lot more to KBs and his ex-wife's demise than his wife going somewhat insane due to him leaving the toilet lid up, and not picking up his dirty clothes off the floor.

[BobPar]

This post has been removed by the OP.

[ozzijp]

I just needed someone to listen and offer some level-headed advice. Thank you to those who did just that.

You are welcome Bob. I only wish we could've done more.

Second point... You can't plan your life out. ____ happens! Don't lecture me from your high horse. I got married in my mid-twenties before I knew my wife. We dated for less than 2 years. That was a big mistake. My parents warned me but I didn't listen to them. I remained monogamous for 20 years, despite the fact my wife had an affair 8 years ago and threatened divorce a decade ago. Honeymoon phase?! - That was over years ago but I tried to keep up the romance with flowers, cards, weekend getaways etc. We used to have sex several times a week. Then it was once a week. Then it was once in a blue moon. Now, I've been told to "get it elsewhere" or "make it quick". And don't think I don't know how to pleasure a woman... We used to have great sex. I stuck it out for the sake of my children. How many people can claim that? These days people get married and divorced at the drop of a hat. I took my vows seriously (Well, that is history. Now I've given up because my wife and I have drifted even further apart). And as for wearing a condom and or getting a vasectomy... hind sight is great. I thought we had safe sex but apparently not... And no form of birth control is 100% effective. You are fooling yourself if you think you can't get a woman pregnant while wearing a condom. It happens a lot. But this woman promised me she'd get an abortion and then didn't go through with it. So all you playboys out there, be careful!

Way too much info here Bob. Keep it real.

Final point... I didn't share everything about my relationship with my wife, so you couldn't know "both sides of the story". But I'll spare you the gory details. After all it is none of your business and I have my identity to protect. Suffice to say that I care for my children and up until recently I cared for my wife. But about 1/2 a year back I started thinking... is life supposed to be like this? Shouldn't someone love you as much as you love them? How would you feel if you woke up and realized that your marriage was a sham?

OK. Enough said. But I will add that I've decided to stay for now until my kids get a little older but I'm not going to remain lonely. I'll offer to support my lover and her child. If she wants me to be in her life and the life of our baby, I'll be there. Hopefully I can find someone to share the rest of my life with and eventually leave my abusive spouse....

You can stop now, we will write you up in the GP sexless husband, and by extension, adulterer's Hall of Fame if you agree to keep your fantasies to yourself. .

[KansaiBen]

You can stop now, we will write you up in the GP sexless husband, and by extension, adulterer's Hall of Fame if you agree to keep your fantasies to yourself. .

At least now I know that its not only me out there. Problem with the trolls on GP is they dont want you broadcasting your lack of a sex life on "their" forum. You are supposed to grow a pair and suck it up like a man. And for the record Ozzjp, when I married I took a vow of chastity, not one of abstinence. One is not supposed to go out looking for a paramour or a girlfriend because wife decides earlier than later that nooky is simply too much damn hassle for her. I learnt very early on that what Japanese women mostly want from a husband is economic and financial security and a mealticket. It's your job to provide it, shut up and dont complain. Thats all you are supposedly needed for.

One does not decide to marry to remain sexless the rest of your life. At least I didnt, unless you know something i don't.

PS latest article in the JT says that many men now want to marry but can't because they are trapped in the cycle of low income temporary work, can not find suitable partners and women do not see such men as a good catch. The break off point for most men is a salary of around 3 million yen a year.

[ttokyo]

Firstly, let me say I didn't make this up. Why would I? I came here looking for impartial and helpful advice from people who might be able to relate and/or have some empathy. There is no way I can share this sort of information with my friends and family. I just needed someone to listen and offer some level-headed advice. Thank you to those who did just that.

If that story is real, you're in deep sh*t and should get professional couseling and advice, including from a lawyer who knows the legal side of custodian and child-support issues.

My unprofessional personal opinion is that you see yourself too much of a nice guy. You were scr*wed over by your current wife and are now in the process of repeating the same mistake again - getting blackmailed into it by your 'mistress'. I'd be ready to pay child support but nothing else. Once this part is over, I'd tackle the problem with your current wife.

[ozzijp]

Firstly, let me say I didn't make this up. Why would I?

Being a lonely d1ckead could be a reason.

OK. Enough said.

Too much actually.

But I will add that I've decided to stay for now until my kids get a little older but I'm not going to remain lonely.

I feel your pain but only on the finger tips. I am not used to doing so much typing.

Hopefully I can find someone to share the rest of my life with and eventually leave my abusive spouse....

KB is still available (conditions apply but you should be fine).

[BobPar]

Dear Gaijinpot Admin.,
I am disappointed...Now that I understand the true nature of this forum, I have removed my post.

[KansaiBen]

Dear Gaijinpot Admin.,
I am disappointed...Now that I understand the true nature of this forum, I would like to retract my post. Please remove it.
Thank you
Bobpar

Bob, you have to delete unwanted posts yourself. Admin will not remove it for you.

KB.

[gaijin ga iru]

Bob, don't let a couple of vicious posters discourage you. Hopefully a moderator will remove their posts.

[YokohamaTommy]

Second point... You can't plan your life out. ____ happens! Don't lecture me from your high horse. I got married in my mid-twenties before I knew my wife. We dated for less than 2 years. That was a big mistake. My parents warned me but I didn't listen to them. I remained monogamous for 20 years, despite the fact my wife had an affair 8 years ago and threatened divorce a decade ago.
.

Reality Check.
What you are going through is called mid-life crisis. It happens, and some marriages survive, and yours may not.
Let's be real, you posted your story not for level-headed advice, but to receive a sympathetic ear for your retarded behavior.
Disclaimer: I've been where you are now, and for many of the same reasons.

It's like that old Samurai saying; One dishonorable deed can erase an entire lifetime of noble acts. It's true. And make no mistake, what you did was inexcusable and indefensible.

Know why? Because you have two kids. How do you think they will react when they find out you fVcked someone else and had a child?
Betrayed is how they will feel. They will hate your guts for a time, and maybe for all time. Either way, their life will never be the same.

You want some good, sound, level-headed advice?
Here it is: Dump your mistress, and have nothing to do with her or the child you made except perhaps for money.
If your mistress decides to blackmail you, (which, as she refuses to have an abortion, looks like that's exactly what she will do.)
well,then you are screwed.

But regardless, you owe your first children way more than your new child.
Especially more loyalty.
Keep your affair secret. No one needs to know, and it's selfish to tell anyone.
End the affair if you can, and just buy a motorcycle and go to soap-land twice a month.

If your wife is a horrible as you say (which I doubt) your kids will forgive you if you divorce her later after they have moved out.
But if they find out what you did, if you were my Dad, I'd think you were the greatest disappointment ever.
And they would be right.
And that's just something you will have to live with forever.
Now man up and deal with it.

[ThaHamburgler]

Reality Check.
What you are going through is called mid-life crisis. It happens, and some marriages survive, and yours may not.
Let's be real, you posted your story not for level-headed advice, but to receive a sympathetic ear for your retarded behavior.
Disclaimer: I've been where you are now, and for many of the same reasons.

It's like that old Samurai saying; One dishonorable deed can erase an entire lifetime of noble acts. It's true. And make no mistake, what you did was inexcusable and indefensible.

Know why? Because you have two kids. How do you think they will react when they find out you fVcked someone else and had a child?
Betrayed is how they will feel. They will hate your guts for a time, and maybe for all time. Either way, their life will never be the same.

You want some good, sound, level-headed advice?
Here it is: Dump your mistress, and have nothing to do with her or the child you made except perhaps for money.
If your mistress decides to blackmail you, (which, as she refuses to have an abortion, looks like that's exactly what she will do.)
well,then you are screwed.

But regardless, you owe your first children way more than your new child.
Especially more loyalty.
Keep your affair secret. No one needs to know, and it's selfish to tell anyone.
End the affair if you can, and just buy a motorcycle and go to soap-land twice a month.

If your wife is a horrible as you say (which I doubt) your kids will forgive you if you divorce her later after they have moved out.
But if they find out what you did, if you were my Dad, I'd think you were the greatest disappointment ever.
And they would be right.
And that's just something you will have to live with forever.
Now man up and deal with it.

Lol. That sounds incredible. Perhaps you speak from expierence?

I could understand breaking free from the chains of oppression, but trading one pair of shackles for another is nuts. Really hope things work out with the mistress, as if she turns out to be a crazy beach also your worse off than a double stuffed oreo in cola. As for the kids hating you, I think if you explain the reasons you broke up with the wife and keep trying to keep a relationship, things could be good. Of course moving to another country kinda makes that point moot.

Anyway, just another opinion to throw on the pile from a randon mid-twenties guy

[BobPar]

Dear Ozzijp,

You and others like you in this forum have spoiled it. You can go to hell. You have no respect for others... this is my last post here.

Don't bother replying either as I'm never returning to GaijinPot... it is just for losers stuck in Japan...

[Genkii]

Indeed you are the loser OP.

You screwed around. And what comes around comes around.

[ozzijp]

Dear Ozzijp,

You and others like you in this forum have spoiled it. You can go to hell. You have no respect for others... this is my last post here.

Under this user name, yes. I can only assume you enjoyed YT's spiel as much as I did.

Don't bother replying either as I'm never returning to GaijinPot..

I can't really describe my disappointment in words but thanks anyway Bobby.

[bestJPsince2008]

Indeed you are the loser OP.

You screwed around. And what comes around comes around.

you have a child coming out of wedlock, too.

your an dumbass

[Agitator]

you have a child coming out of wedlock, too.

your an dumbass

And I guess your an good grammarian.

Convincingly,
A.

[bestJPsince2008]

And I guess your an good grammarian.

Convincingly,
A.

good grammar doesn't stop you from being an insufferable idiot so i guess i have nothing to worry about.

[ozzijp]

... make no mistake, what you did was inexcusable and indefensible.

All of my mistakes, and I assume most other like-minded males feel the same, are always defended, vigorously I should add. My excuses are often inexcusable but I guess that is what makes us adorable and/or excusable.

Chicks love that word, adorable that is... I can say from experience that "excusable" draws absolutely no affection.

Know why? Because you have two kids.

And not just any kids YT...professional models was the word. There has to be a paycheck there somewhere for our lonely Bob.

Keep your affair secret.

I don't think Mrs Bob will ever know, considering she is full of hot air and made of PVC, so in that sense she is toxic. I have it from unreliable sources that she was made somewhere in China.