Relic's Ultimate Adventure

[Shonai Ben]

.........so you thought old Relic had given up the ghost eh........not so me laddies.
After spending the last few years in re-hab sobering up and having c.o.ck surgery,to repair the damage done to the trouser minnow due to the abuse on the latex rubber doll collection that had now grown to the thousands,Relic decided it was time to follow his dreams.
Not the drunken ones.The other ones.
Relic felt good.The best he had ever felt for years.
And he actually got a rise from his trouser minnow when he touched it.Which he did often.
Before the surgery it tooks hours of effort and spit to achieve the same results.Not to mention a lot of wear and tear on his favorite rubber doll......Miss Zelda.
Relic smiled.
With the release papers in hand he headed out the door.His trouser minnow stirred.

[Shonai Ben]

Money.
Relic didn't have any.His entire doll collection,though tattered and worn.....and cum stained,had been sold to some pervert in eastern Canada.
The streets of Toronto in winter were not a welcome sight for Relic.He hated winter.In fact he loathed it.
In the distance the faint sound of a passing freight train drifted into Relic's ears.
A train.Relic smiled once again.
A distant memory of train sets and endless hours of mindless enjoyment suddenly leaped into Relic's walnut sized brain.
He headed for the train station.
His trouser minnow stirred even more now......

[Shonai Ben]

Ahead in the distance Relic could see the train station looming into view.
Leaning on a lamp post was the most striking and beautiful woman that Relic had ever laid his eyes on........apart from his doll collection of course.
He missed that.
As he got closer he realized that she was the spitting image of his favorite doll Zelda.
This can't be thought Relic.
Sure enough.There she was and this woman was real.Not latex and rubber.
Relic's trouser minnow stood at attention.
His jaw dropped in awe.
"Got the time honey?" the real Zelda asked.
Relic looked at his watch.......

[Shonai Ben]

Across town a man pointed a gun at the bank teller.
He had cleverly planned this heist for months.
He knew the exact day of the month when the safe was at it's fullest.
Today was that day.
He had entered the bank just before closing,waited for the last customer to leave and sprang into action.
Everyone was on the floor,including the security guard........minus his gun of course.
The bank manager was standing next to the teller.Beads of perspiration rolling down his forehead.
"Empty all the cash into this bag.Then you and me are going to visit the safe." he barked at the manager.
"Now!!"
The bank manager pulled himself together and did as he was told.
No one died that day.
The bank robber slipped out the door,with his booty,in just under 20 minutes.
A heavy backpack strapped across his shoulders..........

[Shonai Ben]

People called him RB.
Even his parents called him that so the name had stuck.
He didn't care.
Life had been hard for RB.His father abused him and his mother ignored his pleas for help.
He grew to hate his parents,his teachers and just about every other human he came into contact with.
At 16 he had run away from home to look for work.
He had done everything from working on the ore ships on the lakes to mundane factory jobs.
Over time he had become one tough son of a b.i.tch.
He never lost a fight.Never backed down.
Now he had just robbed a bank..........after leaving the bank he quickly ducked down a deserted alley to a waiting car,threw the backpack into the back seat and drove off.
In the distance police sirens began wailing.

[Shonai Ben]

It had been a simple plan.
Rob the bank.Drive out of the city.Lay low for a few days.Change identity and start a new life.
But like most simple plans things quickly began to fall apart.
Traffic had grown to a snarl and the police sirens were getting all too close for comfort.
RB decided to ditch the car and escape on foot.
He grabbed the bag and ducked into a busy shopping center and lost himself in the crowd.
Safe for now he thought..........nothing could be further from the truth.

[Genkii]

What the hell did I just read?

[Shonai Ben]

It's 3:20....... Relic proudly pointed at his new Mickey Mouse watch.
A gift from a very kind orderly for "favors" administered by Relic in the wee hours of the night when all else was quiet and everyone was sleeping.
Relic smiled at the memory of those nights but that's enough of that.
Back to the story.
Zelda just blinked in disbelief but then stroked Relic's hairy and somewhat skinny arm.
"No.......not the time honey.I mean the time to go upstairs for.....you know."
She then smiled and winked at Relic.
The reality of the situation suddenly dawned on Relic.What a damn fool he was.
Checking his pockets he came up with a quarter,an old gum wrapper with half the gum still in there,a very well used toothpick and an uneaten ding dong he had been saving for later.
A parting gift from that orderly he suddenly remembered.
Checking his inside coat pocket was more fruitful however,revealing a crisp,new 20 dollar bill.
That orderly again..........
Relic hated to part with the 20 dollars but......a chance to touch a real woman was just too overwhelming.
And his trouser minnow was screaming for attention now.
Zelda eagerly accepted Relic's money and grabbed his hand........
The sound of police sirens could be heard in the distance.

[Shonai Ben]

Zelda was not her real name.Who on earth calls someone Zelda anyway?
Only some sick pervert with a doll collection would do that.
Her real name was Dixie.And she was a cop.
A damn good one too.
She had found her niche as an undercover hooker and had nabbed countless numbers of johns over the year.
This was just another day on the job.
Her fellow officers respected her work she was sure but on occasion she had caught the guys singing " I wish I were in Dixie." when they thought she wasn't within earshot.
Still,she took it all in stride.
And she accepted the nickname they had given her.
Dix was about to nab another unsuspecting sucker today and then end her shift.........

[Relic]

What the hell did I just read?

Another in the series of the best damn sea tales this side of the Grand Banks matey.

Mr. Ben, thank you for keeping a record of my shenanigans. I can't remember any of it, but I do hope it involves copious amounts of screamin' and Screech.

[Shonai Ben]

Another in the series of the best damn sea tales this side of the Grand Banks matey.

Mr. Ben, thank you for keeping a record of my shenanigans. I can't remember any of it, but I do hope it involves copious amounts of screamin' and Screech.

........you are welcome Mr. Relic........I will try not to kill you off in this story........but no promises matey.

[Shonai Ben]

Dix led Relic to a rather seedy looking apartment building and up the stairs to room 211.
She put a key into the door and let Relic inside.
"Make yourself comfy honey,I'm going to slip into something more comfortable and be right back."
She then went into an adjoining room where she quickly changed into her police uniform and radioed her waiting partner to come upstairs.
It was safer this way in case the john resisted arrest.Which they sometimes did.
Relic was really excited.
He was going to touch a real woman.A real woman!!
His trouser minnow was throbbing mercilessly now.He couldn't resist the temptation to pop him out and touch him.
Just a little he thought........just a little.
Too late........"oh sh.i.t."........"help me Benny."

[Shonai Ben]

At some point in time during the robbery,someone,probably a teller had tripped the silent alarm.
RB had been lucky to escape before the cops arrived at the bank.
But as the day progressed his luck quickly fizzled out.
The police already had an APB out for RB and had supplied his picture from the bank video recorder to the local TV stations who eagerly splashed his mug all over the news.
As a public service of course.......and for the extra ratings.
The mall was busy.
Good.
RB could blend in with the crowd and then duck out a side door and away from the approaching police sirens.
Then decide from there what to do.Not the best plan but it was a plan.
Passing a store window that had a huge crowd standing in front of it RB suddenly caught a glimspe of the TV screen.
Now,someone was pointing at him and nudging others to do the same.
"Oh f.u.ck." was all that he managed to utter before pulling out his firearm.........

[Shonai Ben]

He fired two shots into the air.The sound was deafening in the confines of the mall.
Time slowed to a crawl.
RB could see the beginning of a scream on some fat woman's face,the bulging eyes of the pointing people,an old lady stealing a handful of candy and some old man smiling happily and clapping.
And feathers..........then time snapped back to reality.
First came the scream,followed by panic and pandemonium.Then a massive stampede of bodies towards the closest exit.
People got pushed and shoved.Some got trampled.
Feathers still floated lazily down to the floor,followed by the thump of a dead pigeon.
RB ducked into the nearest store still brandishing his firearm and pointed it at the salesclerk.
"Exit."
She pointed to the left and he quickly ran to the door and outside into an almost empty parking area behind the mall.
It was already starting to get dark.
The sirens were getting louder and closer now.
He walked calmly to a wooded area and disappeared.......

[Shonai Ben]

Dixie was standing half dressed admiring her ample bosom in the mirror.Not bad for a 40 year old woman she thought.
She touched her nipples lightly enjoying the sensation.
But this was not the time.She had a date with her girlfriend tonight and there would be plenty of time for touching then.
There was a comotion coming from the next room and a gooey white substance starting oozing beneath the door.
What the hell?
Without thinking she grabbed the doorknob and opened the door just as her partner was entering the other door.
Relic was in the corner of the room slowly spinning round and round holding onto his massive minnow which was spewing tons of cum all over the room,the ceiling,the walls and now Dixie's partner.
Relic and her partner both took a moment to admire the Dixie Cups which made Relic spew out even more cum.
Finally he stopped and the other cop lunged into action only to slide across the slippery carpet and into the wall knocking himself out.
Relic realized he was being set up for an arrest an skated across the slimey carpet,out the door and down the stairs.All those years of playing hockey had paid off afterall he thought.
"F.u.ck!" Dixie screamed,realizing she was topless and had lost an arrest all in the same moment.
She slammed the door shut and got dressed.
All the time thinking........for an old fart that guy had a nice package.

[Shonai Ben]

Dixie's rookie partner gained a lot fame after that incident.
He was the only officer on the force to see Dixie's Cups which had been the focus of many of the jokes shared among the guy's in the locker room all of whom secretly wanted to touch them.
In fact this whole incident would later be called the Dixie Cup Caper and the rookie would bear the nickname of the Dixie Cup Cop for the remainder of his days on the force.

[Shonai Ben]

The reality of all that had just happened flooded into Relic's walnut sized brain.
"Sh.i.t Benny!!.......what are you doing to me?Now I'm a fugitive on the run from the law!!"
On the other hand though the c.o.ck surgery had worked very well.
Relic was very pleased with the results.
What to do now?
His tiny walnut told him two things.
Tuck in your trouser minnow and.........Run!!
He did just that.......

[Shonai Ben]

Dixie gathered herself together and flung open the door.
Her partner was still on the floor just coming to.
"Call it in!.......and get cleaned up!" she yelled to the rookie and she slid out the door and down the stairs just as Relic had.
The cold,crisp air was rather sobering and there was a full moon tonight.
It was getting dark but she could make out the faint blue luminescent cum droppings glowing in the moonlight.
Was this guy human? she was wondering.
Then her mind drifted back to this afternoon.She couldn't forget the image of her john standing in the room with both hands around his rather huge and perfectly formed member.
This guy was old and wrinkly yet he had the nicest set of gear she had ever seen.Something was strange about this guy but it didn't matter.
She hadn't been with a man for a very long time and she now realized she wanted him,old or not.The thought made her tingle.
She gave her a head a shake.
"Focus Dixie.......focus." she caught herself saying out loud.This is going nowhere,she thought.
Dixie began to follow the glowing blue drops down the street and into an alley.........

[Shonai Ben]

Relic knew he was in big trouble.
There were police sirens everywhere and getting closer he felt.
Is the whole police force after me? he thought to himself.
Unaware that he was leaving a trail of glowing blue drops he had run down the street and into an alley.
Then proceeded to work his way through several more alleys to the train station.
He had to get out of town.He had no choice now.
But he didn't have any money.
His walnut told him what to do and Relic smiled once again.
Meanwhile a police helicopter circled nearby,it's searchlight eating up the darkness.
Relic waited to make his move............

[Shonai Ben]

When Relic felt it was safe he worked his way around to the rear of the train station.
It was darker and quieter in the rail yard.
The full moon illuminated the yard just enough to make out a freight train in the center of the tracks.
He made it to the back of the train.
Then crept along the line of boxcars until he noticed one with a broken lock.
Sliding the door open he crawled in.
He left the door open enough to allow the moonlight to bathe into the interior.
So far his luck had held out........

[Shonai Ben]

"Sweet Mother of Jesus!!".......Relic's jaw dropped.
There before him were case upon case of Newfy Screech stacked from the floor to the ceiling.
One case was on the floor in front of him with the top flap open.
He looked inside and noticed there were two bottles missing.
Explains the broken lock.....Relic thought.
His walnut thought long and hard about having a drink.Afterall he had just gone through hell in re-hab and didn't want to go there again.
Two seconds later he said......."Ah,f.u.ck re-hab."
He cracked open a bottle and took a long,deep drink......savoring every drop as it burned down his throat and kicked him in the stomach.
"Baby,Relic is back!!".......and he took another deep swallow.

[kurogane]

I don't wish to rouse any rabble, but inside sources have reported that Relic was seen wearing a synthetic fabric toque with a Made in the USA label clearly visible.

Say it ain't so, Relic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Nick must be turning in his Persephone.

[Shonai Ben]

The glowing blue drops were slowly fading out now.
Dixie had already made it to the back of the train station.
She saw the gaping hole in the fence and crawled through.
There was a lone freight train sitting in the yard so she went there first.
Working her way along the boxcars just as Relic had she came upon the boxcar with the broken lock.
She unholsterd her pistol,took a deep breath and slid the door open........

[Shonai Ben]

She wasn't sure if her john would be in the boxcar or not.
It could be empty or some hobo could be sleeping in there.
What she did see drew her breath away.
Her john was there alright,sprawled out on the floor.
A ding dong in one hand and his enormous trouser minnow in the other.
On the floor lay 3 empty rum bottles.
"Hold it!" Dixie barked pointing her pistol directly at Relic.
Relic looked at Dixie and laughed.
"I am holding it." Relic smirked........

[Shonai Ben]

Dixie crawled into the boxcar still pointing her firearm at Relic.
She got out her handcuffs and told Relic to put his hands behind his back.
Then she cuffed him.
Relic's minnow grew even larger.He had dressed Zelda in a police uniform once.
Actually,several times.
Dixie then stepped back and looked at Relic.
He was as old as dirt,wrinkled and had a bit of a paunch.Probably from all those years of drinking.
But god damn he had a nice set of gear.
It looked like it belonged to a 25 year old not this old fart.
She felt an intense tingle in her groins.
Dixie slowly put her pistol in her holster and contemplated her next move........

[Shonai Ben]

The train suddenly lurched backwards as the engine coupled with the rest of the train.
Then forward again as the train started to edge forward.
Dixie lost her balance,bumped into the open case of Screech and fell into Relic's lap.
There staring her in the face was Relic's throbbing knob.
She took it into her mouth.
Tonight Dixie was no longer a cop.She was a woman with an intense hunger.
And she was going to satisfy that hunger now.........

[Shonai Ben]

Unaware of the beastial pleasures that were taking place in the next boxcar a lone figure sat on the floor.
A bottle of Screech in one hand and a ding dong in the other.
At his feet lay an open case of ding dongs.Half of them already eaten.
He set the bottle down and admired the contents of his backpack.
It was full of crisp,new bills.He had made the big score this time he was sure.
RB sat in the moonlit boxcar and started to count his money.
An ever increasing evil grin spreading across his face.............

[Shonai Ben]

The sex had been hot,wild and dirty.
Probably the best that Dixie and Relic had ever had.
Truth be told........it was Relic's first time.
His newly acquired trouser minnow had performed superbly however.
They lay exhausted together on the boxcar floor too spent to move.
The train was picking up speed now.
There was nothing Dixie could do with Relic,other than ravage his minnow again,with the train moving so quickly.
She would wait for the time being until it slowed down or stopped.
Then decide what to do.........

[Shonai Ben]

Dixie finally sat up.Her hunger had been completely satisfied.
She had missed that warm glow that always came after good sex.
And right now she was glowing from head to toe.
She lit up a cigarette offering one to Relic as well.
"By the way." Dixie said "My name is not Zelda.You called me that a few times."
"It's Dixie........and you are?"
"People call me Relic."
"You were babbling something about some Benny guy too.Over and over."
"Thank you Benny.......Thank you Benny."
Relic just smiled and dragged on his cigarette.
The conversation ended then.The train was moving along at quite a fast clip now.
Everything outside just a blur as it passed by the open door........

[Shonai Ben]

RB couldn't believe his good fortune.
He had counted the money twice.He had just over one million dollars.
Taking a long,deep drink of Screech RB considered his options.
For now he would hightail it out of the city,away from the police and get off this train at some isolated little town.
Then rent a car,drive to the coast and buy a yacht.
He had connections down in the Caribbean that could get him a new identity and then he would disappear on one of the many tiny islands in the area.
He drank deeply again.
The train suddenly jumped over a bump and then another.
This train is going rather fast for a freight,he thought.
RB got up and held onto the side of the boxcar door and peered out.
The wind stung his eyes but he could see the dark shape of a tunnel opening just ahead as the train sped into a long curve.
Something's wrong here.....this is way too fast........but before RB could even sit back down the noise started.......and the pain...

[Shonai Ben]

Dixie had also noticed that train had been constantly picking up speed.
This was a freight train afterall,not a passenger train.
It shouldn't be going this fast,she mused.
Relic had finished his smoke.
His only concern was getting another drink of Screech and getting these handcuffs off.
They were getting extremely uncomfortable now.
"How about these cuffs?" asked Relic."Are they really necessary?"
Dixie lost her train of thought and turned to Relic.
"Yeah,ok.You aren't going anywhere."
But before she reached for the keys the train entered the tunnel.
The car was suddenly pitched into darkness and the noise started.
At first very faintly and then increasing to a full pitched whine.
Their ears screamed in pain and then everyone blacked out.........

[Shonai Ben]

Relic figured Benny would sneak this into the story at some point.
Thanks Benny.....

Relic stood in the Hall of Mirrors.
Old wooden framed mirrors stretched down the hall as far as Relic could see.
He was standing in front of the first mirror.
At first,it was his face staring back at him.Then the other face.
Then back to his face again.
As always the remainder of the mirrors looked back at him as he slowly walked down the hall.
Some mirrors threw series of numbers at him.Some that other face.
And some Relic's face.
Then he was standing in front of the last mirror.
He didn't want to look but he had to.
That solitary black eye sat in the mirror looking out at Relic.
He was scared.
It was staring at him.......through him.......and never blinked.
Relic fought to wake up.
He couldn't.
In the dark boxcar Relic lay whimpering "mommy" and began to suck his thumb...........

[Shonai Ben]

When RB gained consciousness he was lying face down in his backpack.
His nose was greeted to the smell of freshly minted money.
He breathed deeply,wincing at the pounding headache he had just now noticed.
The train had stopped.
Bright sunshine now filled the confines of the boxcar.RB stood up trying to ignore his pounding head.
He grabbed his backpack,some ding dongs and his other bottle of Screech and stepped out into the sunshine.
The sun was hot.
It was no longer winter here.How far had they travelled?, he wondered.
Throwing his winter coat back into the boxcar,he hoisted the backpack over his shoulders and started walking along the tracks.
He noticed right away that something was very wrong here.........

[Shonai Ben]

Several hours had passed before Dixie came to.
Relic,who was still dreaming,was sucking on her right breast mumbling the word "mommy" over and over.
She gave Relic a shake and he opened his eyes.
The pain was excruciating."Sh.i.t,my head is going to explode." as Relic sat up.
Dixie also had a headache but not as severe as Relic.She didn't have any rum last night.
"Whatever that noise was last night gave us a headache.Plus you're hungover."
Dixie stood up.
Realizing she was still naked she quickly got dressed.
She had made a decision to unlock Relic's cuffs and took them off.
Relic rubbed his now swollen and rather red wrists.
"Thank you." Relic said as he quickly pulled on his pants.
"You're free to go." Dixie told Relic,"I can't justify holding you after what I did to you last night."
"Really?........thank you Dixie.....you just made an old man very happy."
This really is the ultimate adventure.........thought Relic.
He had however forgotten about the all important dream sequence....................

[Shonai Ben]

As RB was walking he was kicking up little puffs of dust.
The dust was everywhere and covered everything except the train.
It sat in pristine condition on the rusty tracks,gleaming brightly in the warm sunshine.
Everything else looked.......off.
The colors faded like an old water coloring that had been in the sunlight too long.
He could see a small village up ahead.
The engine of the train had stopped just past what appeared to be the train station.
Reaching the engine he peered in.
Empty.
Yet there were no tracks exiting the door.
The only tracks he could see were the ones he had just made.
RB tried the door.
Locked.
That's odd...he thought.
He turned and went back to the train station.
All he found was more dust and no sign of anyone.......in fact it looked like no one had been here for a very long time.

[Shonai Ben]

Relic decided it was time to celebrate.
Afterall,he had just been set free and he had experienced the best sex.....the only sex.....he had ever had.
Reaching down into the open case of Screech he grabbed a new bottle.
Twisted off the cap and drank deeply.
Dixie didn't say anything.
Technically he was strealing but under the circumstances she let it go.
"I am going to have a look around." she suddenly said.
"Yeah.....OK......I'll stay here for a bit." Relic managed to spit out the words between gulps of Screech.
Dixie jumped out the boxcar and slid in the dust, just barely maintaining her balance.
"What the hell?"
She immediately saw footprints leading from the next boxcar up the tracks.
Cautiously Dixie followed them.........

[Shonai Ben]

Like RB had before her Dixie quickly noticed the contrast between the gleaming train and the rest of the surroundings.
The train looked like a brand new toy that had been taken out of the box.
Everything else looked like she had stepped into a very old photogragh.
The objects were there but they were lifeless and devoid of any real color.
The footprints led her to the engine and then back to the train station.
It was empty.
A calendar hung on the wall,old and tattered.
The remaining page showed it was Oct.21 st.,1921.
Dixie gasped in surprise.
This place was abandoned in 1921? she pondered.
Explains the dust but not the other things.
She also noticed that the clock on the wall had stopped at 4:49.
What the hell happened here?And just where is here?
Dixie had a lot of questions and an uneasy feeling that something here was very wrong.
Very wrong indeed..........

[Shonai Ben]

Finding the station empty RB decided to take a look behind the building.
He had expected to find some homes or businesses but there were none.
Standing in front of him was a sea of sand.
A vast expanse of desert that stretched as far as the eye could see.
He walked back around the station and then to the railway track in front of the train.
The track went a short distance and stopped.
This must have been a terminal at one time....thought RB.
He walked to the nearest building to the right of the track which appeared to be a drugstore.
Empty except for the dust.
There were about 5 more buildings that he checked all with the same result.
Beyond the end of the track lay more desert.In fact it looked like this entire village was surrounded by sand.
RB felt a shiver down his back as he suddenly realized that this desert looked familiar.
He had seen this somewhere before or had been here before.
But that was impossible.
Something else was gnawing at his gut too.The calendar he had seen in the station.
That really shocked him but he had shrugged it off.
Nothing here made any sense.
His headache was coming back now.
Time to get out of this blazing hot sun he figured.
So he started walking back to the train station.

[Shonai Ben]

Relic was hungry.
He had already opened his second bottle of Screech when his stomach started rumbling.
Maybe this train has some food....Relic's walnut suggested.
Grabbing his bottle he leapt from the train to the dust covered ground below.
He never noticed the dust.
The next boxcar's door was open so he jumped up and had a look.
Someone's old,soiled jacket was on the floor along with an open case of ding dongs.
Relic helped himself.
Then opened another case and ate the entire contents.
"Man,that was good!"
Relic let out a monstrous belch.Followed up by an even more monstrous fart.
His hunger satiated Relic decided to do some exploring.
He stopped to pick up a new bottle and started walking along the track to the rear of the train.
The sunshine lit up the tunnel opening enough for Relic to see inside.
Beyond that was total darkness.
He took a deep swallow of the demon rum and ventured inside anyway.
His headache which had disappeared suddenly came back and then the noise started once again.
The whining high pitched squeal that made his eardrums vibrate violently.
He felt sick.
Relic turned and ran out of the tunnel.
"We're not leaving here." he said to himself outloud.......and passed out.

[Shonai Ben]

Dixie looked around the station for an old,discarded newspaper or a station master's log book.
Anything,that would tell her what was going on here.
Nothing.
The station was stripped clean other than the calendar,the clock on the wall and an old wooden framed mirror.
Time to call in......Dixie thought.
She was expecting to hear the friendly voice of the dispatcher but all she got was static.
The last time she had used her walkie talkie she was tracking Relic's glowing blue drops.
All the chatter at that time had been about some bank robber on the run.
Must be out of range.......Dixie concluded.
She had her back to the front doors of the station and never noticed the figure standing in the doorway.
However,she did hear the very loud and distinct click of a hammer being pulled back on a pistol........