Happiness

[oxymoron]

As I posted in a previous thread, I'm going through a stressful but amicable divorce (if there is such a thing).
Due to some of the GPer's comments; some positive, some not, I considered who is responsible for the happiness of self or partner.

Very simply, IMHO, everyone is resonsible for their own happiness. We decide to be happy or not. This is not someone else's decision. If someone chooses to try and make us unhappy and we allow it, that's our problem. We can choose to take it on board or reject it.
So, there is no point blaming other people. if we are miserable. Bloody hard to do, sometimes, but ultimately our happiness is up to us, not someone else.

Just my opinion.

[madazzahatter]

As I posted in a previous thread, I'm going through a stressful but amicable divorce (if there is such a thing).
Due to some of the GPer's comments; some positive, some not, I considered who is responsible for the happiness of self or partner.

Very simply, IMHO, everyone is resonsible for their own happiness. We decide to be happy or not. This is not someone else's decision. If someone chooses to try and make us unhappy and we allow it, that's our problem. We can choose to take it on board or reject it.
So, there is no point blaming other people. if we are miserable. Bloody hard to do, sometimes, but ultimately our happiness is up to us, not someone else.

Just my opinion.

You,Oxymoron,are correct. You really can't blame others for your own life. It takes a lot of hard work sometimes to improve ourselves and our lives....it's hard work,but the choice is ours alone.

[madazzahatter]

Happiness is a warm gun.....bang,bang,shoot,shoot

[Since1990]

As I posted in a previous thread, I'm going through a stressful but amicable divorce (if there is such a thing).
Due to some of the GPer's comments; some positive, some not, I considered who is responsible for the happiness of self or partner.

Very simply, IMHO, everyone is resonsible for their own happiness. We decide to be happy or not. This is not someone else's decision. If someone chooses to try and make us unhappy and we allow it, that's our problem. We can choose to take it on board or reject it.
So, there is no point blaming other people. if we are miserable. Bloody hard to do, sometimes, but ultimately our happiness is up to us, not someone else.

Just my opinion.

Indeed.

You might not always be responsible for the bad things that happen to you, but you are responsible for how you deal with such problems.

[KansaiBen]

As I posted in a previous thread, I'm going through a stressful but amicable divorce (if there is such a thing).
Due to some of the GPer's comments; some positive, some not, I considered who is responsible for the happiness of self or partner.

Havent been pretty much through the same situation myself　the thing about a divorce is that it is a rejection of yourself. Your wife has decided she would be happier by herself which means she has rejected you. For someone who has not been through that it can be a very tough pill to swallow and you tend to take it personally. You can decide either to fight the thing, be vindictive, wallow in self-pity, or you can choose to be magnanimous and respect her wishes even if you don't agree with them/her reasons. Being amicable is perhaps your way of saving face with her.

I probably could have stayed in my marriage for the kids sake, toughed it out but in all likelihood would have been miserable staying with this person because they had in fact rejected you as a partner. You weigh up the pros and cons and decide how much better off you think you will be by pulling the plug. It becomes a judgement call.

Also as non of the GPers are in the marriage with you, they have no way of knowing who is actually at fault. All they hear is your side. Jumping into another relationship while you are still married to someone else is probably not a smart idea but people seem to do it all the time in spite of themselves.

I have found that eventually time heals all wounds, you learn to move on but it can be tough while you are going through it. Consider life as being a journey, and there will be setbacks along the way.

[thefg]

As I posted in a previous thread, I'm going through a stressful but amicable divorce (if there is such a thing).
Due to some of the GPer's comments; some positive, some not, I considered who is responsible for the happiness of self or partner.

Very simply, IMHO, everyone is resonsible for their own happiness. We decide to be happy or not. This is not someone else's decision. If someone chooses to try and make us unhappy and we allow it, that's our problem. We can choose to take it on board or reject it.
So, there is no point blaming other people. if we are miserable. Bloody hard to do, sometimes, but ultimately our happiness is up to us, not someone else.

Just my opinion.

i used to think the same way.


1st wife then 2nd wife. It wasnt untill I met my 3rd wife that I had an epiphany.....sounds crazy but here it is


- happiness (in marrage) is a lot easier if you marry the right person!!


I cant honestly say hand on heart looking back why on earth i married the first two. it took meeting wife no.3 to discover that some people are just 'nicer' that others and a better 'fit'


I thank god I escaped! I HONESTLY didnt realise it at the time. I HONESTLY wouldnt have described myself as 'unhappy' but man it wasnt untill I was with someone with whom I am fully matched did I realise how truly unfulfilled i was.


My advice to you is go -a hunting!! Because my god there are people out there with whom you will just fit 100%. No 'work' no 'effort' no 'compromise' - you will just fit.



I hear people say you have to 'work' at a marriage and its not easy - well in my experience that's only true if you haven't married the right person. It took 3 wifes before i married someone who not just understood me but LIKED me for 100% who I am. Amazing feeling being approved of fully. I just have to be myself!

My hope in you reading this is to give you hope that (and this does sound like a cliche I know) there IS someone out there who can make you happier than your ex did. Your job now is to find her.

Good luck

[nynapaj]

I hear people say you have to 'work' at a marriage and its not easy - well in my experience that's only true if you haven't married the right person. It took 3 wifes before i married someone who not just understood me but LIKED me for 100% who I am. Amazing feeling being approved of fully. I just have to be myself!

My hope in you reading this is to give you hope that (and this does sound like a cliche I know) there IS someone out there who can make you happier than your ex did. Your job now is to find her.

Good luck

When my first GF and I broke up, her dad had a talk with me. We had been together for 4 years so it was hard and it wasn't MY choice, so it was harder.
He told me something that really made sense about this. He had seen us for years and he had seen that we weren't getting along and I was putting in the effort to compensate. He said, "In the future with whoever you meet, don't ever be afraid to break up. If you argue, just break up. It's not worth the time, because the two are essentially not a good match. When you find the right person, you won't argue and there won't be any problems. But if you waste your time trying to "work things out" with a GF that you don't fit with, then you might miss your chance with the one that is perfect for you. She might see you and notice that you have GF and think "oh, well, he's taken. That's too bad." Don't create that situation by being with the wrong woman."

When he told me this, he had been married for about 35 years, so I guess he found a good one.

[Effected After]

This thread got derailled by the talk of divorce.

I agree with the original point of the thread, that happiness is a decision. It's along the same lines as people who say 'you make me angry'. No, they let themselves get angry by the things I say. I can't make anyone angry, only they can do that. I also can't make anyone happy, they can only let themselves be so. Of course, I can make that decision easier or harder, but I can only influence that decision, I am not the one who actually makes it.

[thefg]

When my first GF and I broke up, her dad had a talk with me. We had been together for 4 years so it was hard and it wasn't MY choice, so it was harder.
He told me something that really made sense about this. He had seen us for years and he had seen that we weren't getting along and I was putting in the effort to compensate. He said, "In the future with whoever you meet, don't ever be afraid to break up. If you argue, just break up. It's not worth the time, because the two are essentially not a good match. When you find the right person, you won't argue and there won't be any problems. But if you waste your time trying to "work things out" with a GF that you don't fit with, then you might miss your chance with the one that is perfect for you. She might see you and notice that you have GF and think "oh, well, he's taken. That's too bad." Don't create that situation by being with the wrong woman."

When he told me this, he had been married for about 35 years, so I guess he found a good one.

very cool advice

[Uncompletist]

Happily married couples never have big arguments?

[Effected After]

Not all the time. I have a big argument with my wife once a year or so, and pretty much no small arguments. It's one of the reasons I decided to marry her, she's really easy to be with.

[Agitator]

Havent been pretty much through the same situation myself　the thing about a divorce is that it is a rejection of yourself. Your wife has decided she would be happier by herself which means she has rejected you.

Quit projecting your failure(s) onto other people. You have no idea what his wife has decided.

Also as non of the GPers are in the marriage with you, they have no way of knowing who is actually at fault. All they hear is your side.

Why does anyone have to be "at fault"?

I don't know, maybe you're trying to say the right thing and just doing a lousy job of it.

Amicably,
A.

[KansaiBen]

Quit projecting your failure(s) onto other people. You have no idea what his wife has decided.

she decided she didnt want to be married or spend any more of her life with him. Thats how it usually works. All marriage breakdowns are failures (usually of communciation) not just mine.

Why does anyone have to be "at fault"?

I don't know, maybe you're trying to say the right thing and just doing a lousy job of it.

A.

Its always darkest at the bottom of a lighthouse.

Allegorically yours.

KB.

[Pinkerton]

Happiness is a warm gun.....bang,bang,shoot,shoot

you son of a bithc! you beat me to it!!!

[Genkii]

When my first GF and I broke up, her dad had a talk with me. We had been together for 4 years so it was hard and it wasn't MY choice, so it was harder.
He told me something that really made sense about this. He had seen us for years and he had seen that we weren't getting along and I was putting in the effort to compensate. He said, "In the future with whoever you meet, don't ever be afraid to break up. If you argue, just break up. It's not worth the time, because the two are essentially not a good match. When you find the right person, you won't argue and there won't be any problems. But if you waste your time trying to "work things out" with a GF that you don't fit with, then you might miss your chance with the one that is perfect for you. She might see you and notice that you have GF and think "oh, well, he's taken. That's too bad." Don't create that situation by being with the wrong woman."

When he told me this, he had been married for about 35 years, so I guess he found a good one.

That's some damn good advice he gave you. You'll probably miss him more then your exwife am I right?

[nynapaj]

That's some damn good advice he gave you. You'll probably miss him more then your exwife am I right?

Yeah, I got along with her parents a lot better than with her.
The mom and the dad were both really nice... it's kind of strange that their daughter was a b!tch. lol

[madazzahatter]

"In the future with whoever you meet, don't ever be afraid to break up. If you argue, just break up. It's not worth the time, because the two are essentially not a good match. "

Hmmm? I kind of get what he meant in that if you're a perfect match,you'd never argue...but that's impossible. NEVER ARGUE? NEVER? I feel it's more of a give and take and trying to meet halfway because you love someone. There isn't a person in all of my years,in all of my life that I have never argued with,but that doesn't mean that I didn't or don't love them.

[Seattlegirl]

I love this:

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
― Robert Fulghum

And yes, you are responsible for your own happiness, full stop. If someone is trying to make you unhappy, then s/he may be a dickhead, but it's still up to you to decide whether or not you will let them win. No one said it would be easy, but being in charge of yourself is pretty sweet when all is said and done. Then when you find the weird person mentioned in the quote above, you have your whole self to bring to the relationship. And there you are, two whole weird people, making satisfying weirdness.

[thefg]

I love this:

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness―and call it love―true love.”
― Robert Fulghum

And yes, you are responsible for your own happiness, full stop. If someone is trying to make you unhappy, then s/he may be a dickhead, but it's still up to you to decide whether or not you will let them win. No one said it would be easy, but being in charge of yourself is pretty sweet when all is said and done. Then when you find the weird person mentioned in the quote above, you have your whole self to bring to the relationship. And there you are, two whole weird people, making satisfying weirdness.

yes yes all very lovely - but in the real word thats mostly a load of girly, comfortable shoe wearing, metro man, bo11ocks














and the proof of that is the fact that your less happy after reading what I just wrote

[J Phater]

KB once again going on about his divorce. Par for the course I suppose.

[Effected After]

ARGUE? NEVER?

When I married my wife, we had never argued even once. In the near decade since, we've argued maybe 10 times. So 'never' may be a stretch, but if there is any sort of regularity to the arguing, it sounds to me like the person is more trouble than they are worth.

That said, you can still love someone you argue with. I had a girlfriend back in the day that I loved lots, but she also drove me crazy and we argued almost every day (which is why I eventually broke up with her).

[Genkii]

That said, you can still love someone you argue with. I had a girlfriend back in the day that I loved lots, but she also drove me crazy and we argued almost every day (which is why I eventually broke up with her).

That's because she was the first women in your life who said more then 5 words to you.

[Effected After]

If by words, you mean years, then yes.

[Agitator]

KB once again going on about his divorce. Par for the course I suppose.

I set my clock by it. Another rant means 10 seconds have passed.

Punctually,
A.

[J Phater]

I set my clock by it. Another rant means 10 seconds have passed.

Punctually,
A.

He is the perpetual victim is our KB.

[Seattlegirl]

and the proof of that is the fact that your less happy after reading what I just wrote

LOL-I'm amused that you think I could possibly give a flying fuck what you have to say!

Cheers!

[Bella Bowtruckle]

As I posted in a previous thread, I'm going through a stressful but amicable divorce (if there is such a thing).
Due to some of the GPer's comments; some positive, some not, I considered who is responsible for the happiness of self or partner.

Very simply, IMHO, everyone is resonsible for their own happiness. We decide to be happy or not. This is not someone else's decision. If someone chooses to try and make us unhappy and we allow it, that's our problem. We can choose to take it on board or reject it.
So, there is no point blaming other people. if we are miserable. Bloody hard to do, sometimes, but ultimately our happiness is up to us, not someone else.

Just my opinion.

I hate to go all 'self-help book' on you but Stephen Covey says pretty much the same thing in 'The Seven Habits'. I have to say though, that book did change the way I thought in that respect. Only you control your happiness. Crap stuff happens each and every day in some cases, but how you react to it is down to you.
Having said that I still get p*ssed off and frustrated on a regular basis, especially when I know certain people are trying to make my life difficult. Maybe now having read Covey I get over it a little better but still....

[pjb]

Happiness is a warm gun.....bang,bang,shoot,shoot

No, no. Happiness is a cigar called Hamlet.

[chilljill]

I hate to go all 'self-help book' on you but Stephen Covey says pretty much the same thing in 'The Seven Habits'. I have to say though, that book did change the way I thought in that respect. Only you control your happiness. Crap stuff happens each and every day in some cases, but how you react to it is down to you.
Having said that I still get p*ssed off and frustrated on a regular basis, especially when I know certain people are trying to make my life difficult. Maybe now having read Covey I get over it a little better but still....

Haha, the 7 habits was what instantly came into my mind too!

As gandhi or some influential guru once said... other people will irritate you only if you let them.. or something like that...

that was no help at all

so carry on with the topic, please.

[YokohamaTommy]

Very simply, IMHO, everyone is resonsible for their own happiness. We decide to be happy or not. This is not someone else's decision. If someone chooses to try and make us unhappy and we allow it, that's our problem.

A wiser man than me once said,

"Happiness is not a thing to be found."

[gaijin ga iru]

NEVER ARGUE? NEVER?

I'm sure he was talking about arguing characterizing the relationship, not just a single argument.

[Esc]

Wanting, expecting and looking for happiness is so immature and selfish. Just roll with whatever you encounter and learn from both the happy and unhappy moments in life.

[kurogane]

Ummm, Gross Attention Sluttery like this immediately following a banning is usually a reason for the new username to be banned too.

So you know, kiddo.

Just play a new persona and you can fly under the radar.

Cute avatar, btw.

I'd pay for one of that monkey wrestling with a baby Lesser Panda





Wookout, Puddytat!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna git ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Effected After]

We know it's you Joeren. IP addresses and all.

[Duymon]

You gotta love yourself before you can love another
You gotta be able to help yourself before you can help another
You gotta be happy before you can make another happy

In other words, you as a person need to be complete before you can happily be with another.

I feel more and more that too many people are still sold on the idea that all their happiness will come from a relationship or marriage. The problem is so many of these people rush to that conclusion before fully developing themselves and let's be honest, marriage more often than not gets in the way of personal development.

[thefg]

LOL-I'm amused that you think I could possibly give a flying fuck what you have to say!

Cheers!

So I was responsible for your happiness - QED

[YokohamaTommy]

Wanting, expecting and looking for happiness is so immature and selfish.

I vote this statement to go down in the annals of GP as the dumbest thing ever said.

[Effected After]

It definitely goes against my life view which lies something along the lines of 'if you aren't having fun, you're doing it wrong'.

[ThaHamburgler]

It definitely goes against my life view which lies something along the lines of 'if you aren't having fun, you're doing it wrong'.

The best surfer, snowboarder, etc is the one having the most fun.

[Effected After]

Fun is relative. I have a lot of fun writing code. Very few people in the world would have any fun whatsoever writing code, much less the amount of enjoyment I get out of it.