Fart Jokes

[survivorfan]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[thickmick]

how long have you been saving that one for ? Other potters if you have not read this joke ,I will save you time ,donT.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[eku]

Eli joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"

Eli replies: "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Eli continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds, a huge horribly corpulent hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Eli around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Eli rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:

"May I help you?"

Eli says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 enrollment fee."

Receptionist: "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

Eli replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a it up once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

[eku]

His pants were so tight, that when he farted, it looked like a rat running down his leg.

[eku]

click on the link below to hear real live farts
you can post your farts too

http://www.farts.com/discussions/ult...?ubb=forum;f=2

[survivorfan]

how long have you been saving that one for ? Other potters if you have not read this joke ,I will save you time ,donT.

Always the critic eh thickmick. Let the people decide!

[thickmick]

Always the critic eh thickmick. Let the people decide!

If its any consolation it was not meant to be constructive
Ekus jokes were bad as well are there any good fart jokes?
Feel free to criticize mine .

This young goes to his GFs home and while sat at the table he lets one go ,the father shouts at the dog under the table to move .The guy feels relieved and relaxes ,10 mins later he lets another rip ,again the dad tells the dog to move ,the guy feels safe as the dog is taking the blame .15 mins later another ripper comes out of the boyfriends bum ,again the father shouts at the dog ,bloody move before he shitts on yer.

[eku]

fart jokes are never really funny
its just that everyone can relate to them

[edinjapan]

Survivorfan

Here's the perfect theme song for this thread. It has that certain air about that reflects well on this thread.

http://66.70.90.104/interactive/curry_in_the_air.mp3

[User Name Deleted]

All I can say is 奈良ならおなら。

[eku]

All I can say is 奈良ならおなら。

寒いーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

[Raceace]

Q.Why do farts smell?
A.So deaf people can enjoy them too!

An oldie but a goldie

[survivorfan]

Survivorfan

Here's the perfect theme song for this thread. It has that certain air about that reflects well on this thread.

http://66.70.90.104/interactive/curry_in_the_air.mp3

Cheers Ed,
I had tears streaming down my face, it was so funny...
Sad, I like potty humour...

[B1-B2]

Kid...Do farts have lumps, Miss?
Teacher... No.
Kid...Then I definitely sh!t myself!!!!

[eku]

Japanese Fart
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon, the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."

[eku]

The President and the Queen
While representing the U.S. on a formal visit to England, President Bush joins Queen Elizabeth II in an ornate 17th-century style coach, which is hitched to a team of huge white horses.

The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, as the Queen and the President wave to the cheering throngs gathered at the roadside.
All is going well, until one of the horses on the Queen's side of the coach produces an earth-shattering fart that shakes the whole vehicle and creates a most uncomfortable situation.
The President and the Queen try to act as if nothing happened, but the Queen feels like she should apologize for the horse's rude behavior and says, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. There are certain things that are outside the realm of a Queen's control."
President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give it another thought. After all, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[Che]

hey (へ）, that was good. My wife almost followed through she thought it was so funny. Amazing how farts are so funny. All the fart jokes I know aren't any good though, sorry.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.