Steps to moving to Japan

[Name Deleted]

I'm planning to move to 東京 next February. I will have about USD$20,000 in savings. My fiance and I intend to live in Japan.

what if she decides she wants to live in US and you have a good job here?



I'm a IT guy with over 10 years documented experience. I'm currently working for a major US bank. However, I've always wanted to experience life in Japan. I'm at the daily conversation level in Japanese. (Native English speaker) I can read and write at least 300 kanji.
Basically, I'm trying to create a "step-by-step" list of things that must be done (in cronological order) before and after arrival in Japan.

[COLOR=#333333][COLOR=#333333][COLOR=indigo][version 5.0]
＊ sanity check - why move... http://www.crnjapan.com/prevention/e...emarriage.html
＊ inform current employer of intentions
＊ get letter of recommendation from employer
＊ pack up things that will go with you to Japan... sell the rest
＊ get home-country's driver license documents
＊ get letter from friend that introduced fiance to me
＊ get phone records showing international calls to fiance
＊ get passport sized photos of yourself (L4.5 cm x W3.5 cm)
＊ get bank statement for previous 3 months
＊ stay with my parents for a week or so -- cheap rent!
＊ Buy a one-way plane tickets to Japan for fiance and a round-trip for me (have it set for 3months...
＊ ship things you want to keep to Japan - maybe use fiance's parents' place for temp storage
------
＊ Verify Sanity check - http://www.crnjapan.com/marriage/en/

＊ Arrive in Japan under tourist visa. Fiance is native... so no problems for her. ** be honest with Immigration: tell them you're there to visit friends and to get married!

＊ stay with fiance’s parents for a _very_ short time... --> search for apartment


[LEFT]＊ mail postcard to yourself, or from someone else, addressed to your new alias at your fiance's place

＊ get Alien Registration card -- from local 市役所／区役所 (card will be mailed to you??; may take 2-3 weeks to process)

The alien card you have to pick up from the ward office





http://www.moj.go.jp/NYUKAN/nyukan02-01.html - the wording 『なお，氏名欄には，括弧書きで日本で使用されている通称名が記載される場合があります』
＊ register an alias (such as a Japanese name) -- 登録通称名 (use postcard as proof)
＊ register hanko/inkan with alias and get the form that states you registered your判子/印鑑 　　1000円　＠市役所／区役所

＊get the certificate of registered particulars (外国人登録原票記載事項証明書, gaikokujin touroku genpyou kisaijikou shoumeisho) from same place as your alien registration card
＊Certificate of Competency to Marry (Konin Yoken Gubi Shomeisho 婚姻要件具備証明書) from your Embassy or Consulate, affirming you are legally free to marry in your country. http://japan.usembassy.gov/pdfs/wwwf7114.pdf

[LEFT]

＊ get apartment in her name
＊ get utilities in her name for apartment

＊ get cellphones using finace's name
＊ get medical stuff for marriage certificate done

＊ get official copy of wife’s passport
[LEFT]＊ get married --> have photographer take lots of pictures for memories (& gov)


Lots of pictures on the roof perhaps, of you on your honeymoon?




＊ register marriage(婚姻届 Kon-in Todoke) with local governments and the consular for my gov...
＊ get Certificate of Acceptance 受理証明書 for marriage

＊ Get two copies of the koseki!! Send one copy to my Mom in the US.
[LEFT]＊ update registration with marriage documents
＊"Certificate of Acceptance of Notification of Marriage" (Kon-in Todoke Juri Shomeisho 婚姻届受理証明書) as proof of marriage.　--> send copy back to USA --Y1500
＊get spousal visa documents 配偶者ビザ (expect 2month wait for visa doc's to return) http://www.moj.go.jp/ONLINE/IMMIGRATION/16-2.html
[LEFT]

[LEFT]＊ insurance: health -- NHI if no job
[LEFT]＊ setup local bank account with your & wife's name... (keep some moneys in your US bank too...)
＊ have JAF translate the license info for Japanese license
＊ get Japanese Driver's license
＊ get parking space for transportation -- I prefer a motorcycle
＊ register parking space with local police - 自動車教会
＊ get motorcycle or car (if you didn't already ship it to Japan)
＊ insurance: car/motorcycle


[qyote]＊ if job offer doesn't already exist, get one. show potential employer that you have already established yourself in Japan. Wife, visa, place, car, skills, etc...[/quote]

what happens if you dont find a job or the one you want or you have to move to another city? Will job be withing commuting distance of your apartment?　



＊ continue studying Japanese in spare time.＊ make spare time

＊ Establish savings for future children - hospitals expect money up front (ins. will reimburse later)

If you are on NHI you only pay 30% of the hospital bill. taxpayer picks up the tab.

＊In the event of any kids born, (*congrats*) be sure to update koseki and make sure you're listed as the father. Send copy of updated koseki touhon back to USA...

Im sure wife will do this and your name is listed on her koseki as the husband anyway, as well as any offspring. This sounds to me like over control. Koseki is in Japanese only. what will parents do with it?

＊ After living there (successfully) for 4-5 years, apply for permanent resident status... this way I won't have to rely on the spousal visa...

Planning on a divorce or leaving the country are you?

Buy a one-way plane tickets to Japan for fiance and a round-trip for me (have it set for 3months...


＊ ship things you want to keep to Japan - maybe use fiance's parents' place for temp storage

what if they dont have room? Have you asked them?
------

[金正日]

resident shmesident.



OK I dont live there. I only have a New Zealand passport from birth. wife can get a migrant visa because of my nationality.


Get a life, J.T.

That's fine, you put your foot in your mouth again, good on ya.

[Woodman]

Why do you bother to respond to these types of posts???
...?

Because he can't help it.

[Woodman]

I have never said my problems are special. There are thousands of guys in the same position

Im not going to rehash old wounds for your titillation Im afraid.

1. I know you didn't say that your problems were special BUT if you read the archive, it sure does SOUND that they are special as they are presented that way. Just read your own archive.

2. So where are these "thousands" of guys? Me thinks you do exaggerate a little, just a little.

[LoreZyra]

what if she decides she wants to live in US and you have a good job here?

If this is the case, then this plan was nothing more than an excercise for the sake of doing it... :\ However, she has already agreed that we will be moving next February. Arizona is nice... but the heat can bake you till death...

The alien card you have to pick up from the ward office

Thanks... now I know.

...＊ get married --> have photographer take lots of pictures for memories (& gov)

Lots of pictures on the roof perhaps, of you on your honeymoon?

with you as the photographer??? I think not...

＊ if job offer doesn't already exist, get one. show potential employer that you have already established yourself in Japan. Wife, visa, place, car, skills, etc...

what happens if you dont find a job or the one you want or you have to move to another city? Will job be withing commuting distance of your apartment?　

I would hope that my savings can last until I find a job... However, it's my (best) intention to have a job lined up before boarding the plane over... (next to) worst case scenario, I'll continue to work remotely for one of my American contracts (I do side work as well that pays very nicely). That's another reason to keep my US bank account open...

If you are on NHI you only pay 30% of the hospital bill. taxpayer picks up the tab.

okay... I've heard differently... but okay... Lets say that they want the full payment anyway? I would rather have the funds... Otherwise the remaining 70% can go towards my kid's college fund...

Im sure wife will do this and your name is listed on her koseki as the husband anyway, as well as any offspring. This sounds to me like over control. Koseki is in Japanese only. what will parents do with it?

I believe that my wife will do that... but the only reason I want to send the Japanese legal docs to my Mom... is for backup... You've said it yourself that marriage doesn't always turn out the way you dream it... While I do hope for a wonderfull fulfilled life with my fiance, I want to at least have some type of contingency here...

Planning on a divorce or leaving the country are you?

humph... first I chose one-way tickets and people said that Customs will hassle me about it... So, I updated it to round-trip for myself. Setting it for the maximum time allowed for a "tourist" seemed only natural to me.

But since you seem happy to act as my "devil's advocate," it does seem fair that I should have an escape plan. Who knows, I may want to take advantage of the ticket to visit friends/family in the States and/or tie up some business before I return to Japan again...

what if they dont have room? Have you asked them?

I didn't personally ask them. I asked my fiance if she thought it would be okay... She seemed to think it would be all right...

[Name Deleted]

1. I know you didn't say that your problems were special BUT if you read the archive, it sure does SOUND that they are special as they are presented that way. Just read your own archive.

On reflection posting what I did was a bad idea, but once it was out there then there wasnt anything I could do about it as trolls on here and elsewhere took delight in putting the boot in. A few even replayed them so they could publicly humiliate me. Only I know the reasons for posting, and anything else is mere speculation.

2. So where are these "thousands" of guys? Me thinks you do exaggerate a little, just a little.

there is a forum for Foreign Husbands of Japanese on yahoo and it has at least 80 members who are registered. The purpose of the forum is to discuss and deal with problems that foreign spouses have when dealing with wifes, japanese culture, language etc.

The CRN Japan website has dozens of stories of guys who have had their kids taken away from them and the laws here actively work agianst them. Just because they dont post on gaijinpot doesnt mean everythings hunky dory in Wa. Lots of guys are happy in their relationships but i can point to just as many who are not, Just because you are happy personally doesnt mean everyone else is.

There are whole books written on how to deal with issues such as divorce from Japanese, separation, inheritance, death (where you want to be buried etc). You start building houses here, have kids, get your life cranked up to a certain level and its going to cost you plenty if the whole thing goes kaput on you and either you or your wife wants out.

I am dealing with my own stuff here as i havent seen my kids in 5 months and Im dealing with a very difficult spouse situation from 5000 miles away.

You have any idea what it costs to fly and stay in Australia for 1-3 weeks so you can see your kids?

The stuff you forget is that if it can happen to me it can happen to any other foreign male living in this country and there are tens of thousands of such unions throughout Japan. 10% of all married people in Tokyo apparently have a non-Japanese spouse according to recent statistics.

My posts were for the benefit of people who might be having problems, whos relationships were at risk, but all it did was bring the trolls and flamers out of the woodwork who simply questioned my manliness, as though marriage is simply based on how often you get laid.

[.銕.]

On reflection posting what I did was a bad idea, but once it was out there then there wasnt anything I could do about it as trolls on here and elsewhere took delight in putting the boot in.

Actually, I would say most of us recoil in fear while gazing with a gleeful guilt through splayed fingers in horrified amazement.

I think a lot of people are just rather intrigued by the way you wear your misery like a badge of honour.

I'd rather see you happy. You're more fun when you are.

Not that you're not fun when you're being obviously obtuse. Or obdurate. I forget which one we settled on................

[Name Deleted]

Actually, I would say most of us recoil in fear while gazing with a gleeful guilt through splayed fingers in horrified amazement.

I think a lot of people are just rather intrigued by the way you wear your misery like a badge of honour.
.

Back in February, I WAS miserable and very angry. It was the pits. I actually took three weeks of work for stress leave and went home. at least I wasnt caught playing soccer on TV.

Things are better now thanks very much but not 100%. Rome wasnt built in a day.

[LoreZyra]

...Are you a control freak? Do you need to have all your t's crossed before you actually do anything and before you have even left the country?
...

I don't see myself as a "control freak..." I do, however, see myself as "methodical." It's smart thinking... "Plan A," if you will, is outlined and being critiqued...

Granted, I haven't written the entire "script" for this plan here... as I only need the major points (and maybe a few minor ones too)... There is some flexibility in this plan...


As I've conducted extensive research on the moving process and the worst scenarios of marriage, I feel the need to have contingencies. I would rather not end up like you, separated from your wife & kids while you may be "legally married..."


Furthermore, I'm far from perfect! Why else would I post my ideas for the "gaijinpot" people to analyze, critique, and poke holes through???

[Name Deleted]

I As I've conducted extensive research on the moving process and the worst scenarios of marriage, I feel the need to have contingencies. I would rather not end up like you, separated from your wife & kids while you may be "legally married..."
?

You can snort down your nose all you want. My kids are now enrolled in Australian high schools so they can learn English and become bilingaul. the alternative is to stay here and become 'Japanised' half kids.

I have two of them and have jumped through the hoops here and have faced problems you will face within the next ten years. before you get holier than thou on me remember that it will be you in my position ten years from now.

I am legally married as i havent filed a divorce. Duh. Wife is overseas as kids are in Australia. Lots of couples have relationships where they often live apart because of education issues.


The worst scenario is that you decide after marrying your girlfriend you cant handle living here and you want to go back to US. She doesnt. In that case you are stuck, even more so if you have kids or she gets pregnant. Have you thought abnout that?


Im here because I want to be, not because I have to. I have a job and career here and if it werent for my dog i would probably teach in another country.

Before i forget, fifty percent of ALL international marriages FAIL within ten years. While your hormones are raging inside your jockey shorts right now as you make the big leap into married life remember that love is fleeting, more so when wife comes from a different language and culture that you know little about.

[Name Deleted]

PS you dont know what marriage is like until you actually do it. Its like being pregnant, either you are or you arent, and if you arent all you can do is imagine what it can be like. Ive been married to my wife 15 years and my oldest daughter has just turned 13.

I dont need some smart young punk whos on the throes of getting hitched to lecture me about relationships and marriage.

[The Old Man]

PS you dont know what marriage is like until you actually do it. Its like being pregnant, either you are or you arent, and if you arent all you can do is imagine what it can be like. Ive been married to my wife 15 years and my oldest daughter has just turned 13.

I dont need some smart young punk whos on the throes of getting hitched to lecture me about relationships and marriage.

Paul,
being married once and existing in that 'married' relationship which long ago had lost any similarity to the usual semantic meaning of that word, hardly makes you an expert.

[LoreZyra]

PS you dont know what marriage is like until you actually do it. Its like being pregnant, either you are or you arent, and if you arent all you can do is imagine what it can be like. Ive been married to my wife 15 years and my oldest daughter has just turned 13.

I dont need some smart young punk whos on the throes of getting hitched to lecture me about relationships and marriage.

You're right. I have no idea... never been married before... Never had kids of my own (that I know of)... So, in that respect, I can't imagine what it's like...


However, I wasn't lecturing you... I was only pointing out that I should at least plan parts of my future... Especially the important parts... I consider marrage and living in Japan a bit too important not to have some sort of a plan...

[LoreZyra]

You can snort down your nose all you want. My kids are now enrolled in Australian high schools so they can learn English and become bilingaul. the alternative is to stay here and become 'Japanised' half kids.

...
I am legally married as i havent filed a divorce. Duh. Wife is overseas as kids are in Australia. Lots of couples have relationships where they often live apart because of education issues.
...

Is that how I "sound" to you??? "Holier than thou?" Paul (or F_D),
It's not my intent to see the flames roll from your fingers to the screen... I actually value your input as I do all other intelligent responses. I truly don't know your situtation... but from the posts, I can make some educated guesses. While your "not divorced," you're not living with your spouse and kids... it's not clear if this was a voluntary decision or not... but it seems that you're not happy about it...


In terms of my situtation, I already have a career, home, car, and everything else I need in the States... Why would any normal (sane) person restart his life in another country???

Do you think this is an easy decision on my part???! I'm not 18! I can't just fly over there and "wing it!" You don't get to where I am without some type of thought behind it. I doubt you make USD$150k a year. And yet, here I am planning the demise of my career to start over in Japan! "Smart young punk..." you say??? Suit yourself. I'm trying to be nice... and civil...


.................................................. .............................

[Name Deleted]

Paul,
being married once and existing in that 'married' relationship which long ago had lost any similarity to the usual semantic meaning of that word, hardly makes you an expert.

Plenty of marriages or relationships have little to do with love, romance and all the rest of it. Maybe they did when they started but marriage after 20 years is a different beast than coming back on your honeymoon.

No Im not an expert, made lots of mistakes, so did wife. some people stay like that for 40-50 years because they have kids, family honor etc. In Pakistan etc they have honor killings where grooms family will kill the wife for some indiscretion. Arent you lucky you arent in pakistan. In India they pour acid on you if you dont come up with a sizeable dowry.

marriage comes in many forms, not just the western WASP model that you guys are thinking of.

By the way I did find a good book on intercultural relationships, not just Japanese people, where they studied over 20 couples who came from different backgrounds, races and ethnic groups. Marrying a japanese is not anything special but you have to deal with all the stuff that this culture throws at you, and how much you love your wife has little to do with it.

[Name Deleted]

I . I would rather not end up like you, separated from your wife & kids while you may be "legally married..."

Maybe Im tetchy but this does sound to me like pointed criticism, or a veiled personal attack.

No one wants to end up in a broken down relationship but thats the way it sounded to me, as if the same could not happen to you. I get enough of this stuff already without newbies pouring gasoline on the fire.


I have 15 years headstart on you as far as experience of married life goes.

[Name Deleted]

It's not my intent to see the flames roll from your fingers to the screen... I actually value your input as I do all other intelligent responses. I truly don't know your situtation... but from the posts, I can make some educated guesses. While your "not divorced," you're not living with your spouse and kids... it's not clear if this was a voluntary decision or not... but it seems that you're not happy about it...

No im not happy about it on many levels but i have no choice and getting angry or self pitying doesnt change the situation. All i can do is bite the bullet and channel my energies elsewhere.

Kids are overseas so they can go to school and be educated outside Japan\. Wife has had this thing in the works for over a year and its me thats footing the tab, to the tune of several thousand dollars a month. You wouldnt be happy either.

In terms of my situtation, I already have a career, home, car, and everything else I need in the States... Why would any normal (sane) person restart his life in another country???

Because they follow their John Thomases and libidos because their fiance or spouse lives here. Lots of guys give up careers so they can live with their wives here, or have to change careers. I can only assume you plan to go back home eventually. How do your SO feel about that?

Do you think this is an easy decision on my part???! I'm not 18! I can't just fly over there and "wing it!" You don't get to where I am without some type of thought behind it. I doubt you make USD$150k a year. And yet, here I am planning the demise of my career to start over in Japan! "Smart young punk..." you say??? Suit yourself. I'm trying to be nice... and civil...

Then why are you coming here? Obviously love is more important than a paycheck. Good for you.

I make pretty good money here doing what I do, such that I can support two households on it (just). Maybe not 150K but thats your decision, not mine.

She must be worth it though.

[Kaigangirl]

LoreZyra one thing that you have to consider is that your 'wife' once back in J-land may well all of sudden become Japanese again... and thus not the woman you fell in love with... it is a very common phenomenon...

[eku-bong]

Maybe Im tetchy but this does sound to me like pointed criticism, or a veiled personal attack.

No one wants to end up in a broken down relationship but thats the way it sounded to me, as if the same could not happen to you. I get enough of this stuff already without newbies pouring gasoline on the fire.


I have 15 years headstart on you as far as experience of married life goes.

um it just sounds like he is stating his preference for his own future in relation to the facts you yourself posted about your life...

anyway being married and being pregnant...
dont make me laugh...
you can be married on paper..
you can be sort of married
you can be married but separated
you can be married and blissfully in love
you can be married and sexless
married but gay...

being married does not end up in some predestined place like pregnancy does..

married is just a piece of paper... like one in a sketchbook... what you draw on is completely up to you...
conversly you could also scrunch it up and wipe your butt with it............

[Name Deleted]

I dont want to sound the forebearer of doom here but in a worst case scenario, if the whole thing goes kaput a few years down the track, your Japanese spouse can go back to the US after you and lay claim to all your assets, possessions, pension funds, cars. even kidnap your kids.

Just because you have stars in your eyes now and are all ga-ga it doesnt mean she cant take you for everything you have down the line. I may sound like a bitter twisted old man but its because my wife has her fists wrapped firmly around my wallet, especially as virtually everything is in joint names. i have done the sums and shes entitled to 50% if it goes to that. Im now worth in the 100,000's if I cark it, big money and as an equal spouse shes entitled to her share in an American court.

I have spoken to both japanese lawyers as well as in Australia and New Zealand and know exactly what im up against.

This is not about me, but a warning to not let your libido or ego blind you to the fact that once you marry, everything you have half belongs to your wife under marital property laws.

[.銕.]

um it just sounds like he is stating his preference for his own future in relation to the facts you yourself posted about your life...

anyway being married and being pregnant...
dont make me laugh...
you can be married on paper..
you can be sort of married
you can be married but separated
you can be married and blissfully in love
you can be married and sexless
married but gay...

being married does not end up in some predestined place like pregnancy does..

married is just a piece of paper... like one in a sketchbook... what you draw on is completely up to you...
conversly you could also scrunch it up and wipe your butt with it............

Don't you need to get to the predestined place before one can be even a little pregnant?

[countryboy]

Why do you bother to respond to these types of posts???


While I don't mind (too much) that your discussion is off topic for my thread... due to the fact that it ballooned the response rate of my thread... why doesn't everyone provide constructive comments to the "thread" at hand...?

And you young whippersnapper have the audacity to call this 'my thread'?!

How dare you! What an outrage!

Don't you know that every thread and bit of advice must first bow to the Great Leader before being recognized?

That One being The One Paul H.

All threads and posts subject to Him say: Amen!

All threads belong to him and revolve around him. All else is herasy.

[The Old Man]

LoreZyra one thing that you have to consider is that your 'wife' once back in J-land may well all of sudden become Japanese again... and thus not the woman you fell in love with... it is a very common phenomenon...

So true..........

However in my case I have never lived outside of japan with my wife and can only think that when it happens - nearly happened this year - then it will be an added bonus to a happy relationship.

[Name Deleted]

umarried is just a piece of paper... like one in a sketchbook... what you draw on is completely up to you...
conversly you could also scrunch it up and wipe your butt with it............

being married means that half of everything you own belongs to your spouse whether you like it or not. You may be the minor financial partner in your relationship Eku, because as a woman you can squeeze your husband till he bleeds. Guys dont have it so lucky.

[eku-bong]

Don't you need to get to the predestined place before one can be even a little pregnant?

you could always use a turkey baster like JT...
hell you could just go away for the weekend... and voila ... when you come back your wife is preggers...
shlt happens you know.

[.銕.]

Back in February, I WAS miserable and very angry. It was the pits. I actually took three weeks of work for stress leave and went home. .

Well, February is the pits, in my experience, but I am glad things are better.

at least I wasnt caught playing soccer on TV. .

That poor, sad, fat _______, eh!? If he had just gone home to Butfukkyama in Tohoku, nobody would have minded. It's when foreigners want to go home they get snippy. I went home for medical treatment, and you'd think I had suggested that Japan was not a victim of WWII or some equally heinous apostasy.

Things are better now thanks very much but not 100%. Rome wasnt built in a day.

One of the only things I have ever read on here that I actually thought worth remembering, other than every one of Electric Yahoo's posts, verbatim, is Tokyodipchick's signature line:

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

Anyways, may you veni vidi vici

[eku-bong]

being married means that half of everything you own belongs to your spouse whether you like it or not. You may be the minor financial partner in your relationship Eku, because as a woman you can squeeze your husband till he bleeds. Guys dont have it so lucky.

nice jab sweetie...
i just walked away... left 50% of a paid for house... the bulk of my belongings....took the kid and marched..
i know life is worth way more than squabbling with a sour husband....

maybe thats what your wife was thinking when she left for Aus.

loads of women just walk away... loads of women are financially stable enough not to need the husband... actually thats when the husbands usually become obsolite..
i mean fark... why work hard enough to support yourself and STILL have to wash the fecker's stinky socks....

its only when there is love that having or not having money means jackshlt
i only hope one day you find someone to have that kind of relationship with.

[The Old Man]

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

I like that. You've found me my new signature

[LoreZyra]

...
its only when there is love that having or not having money means jackshlt
i only hope one day you find someone to have that kind of relationship with.

Eku,
how would you suggest one to balance the need for funds with love (or old love)??? Is there such a thing??? can there be a balance??


I know that even the best made plans have cracks in the foundations that develop into canyons if not guarded...

[Kaigangirl]

Eku,
how would you suggest one to balance the need for funds with love (or old love)??? Is there such a thing??? can there be a balance??

You have obviously never lived in Asia...

[Name Deleted]

nice jab sweetie...
i just walked away... left 50% of a paid for house... the bulk of my belongings....took the kid and marched..
i know life is worth way more than squabbling with a sour husband....

maybe thats what your wife was thinking when she left for Aus.

loads of women just walk away... loads of women are financially stable enough not to need the husband... actually thats when the husbands usually become obsolite..
i mean fark... why work hard enough to support yourself and STILL have to wash the fecker's stinky socks....

its only when there is love that having or not having money means jackshlt
i only hope one day you find someone to have that kind of relationship with.

Eku Imnot going to argue with you. You are right.

However.....

I have seen statistical studies in Australia and Japan where the MAJORITY of women after a divorce are much worse off. They lose the nice house and car.
My mum left home at one point and ended up in a one room apartment with no money. She went to uni around the same time became a lawyer and now charges $200 an hour. Dad was against her going to uni from the beginning. You have men who violently beat up their wives or spend the housekeeping money. My sister in laws rich husband didnt even give her housekeeping and she drove a Beemer.

The average take home pay of divorced women is 2.1 million yen a year which is a third less than NOVA teachers make. Many have kids to raise as well.

In Australia about 2/3 of solo mothers live below the poverty line or close to it. In Japan the level of deadbeat dads who dont pay child support is above 50%

How many women with children are financially stable after not having worked many years? Most women in Japan quit jobs when they have kids or are forced out. If they work they earn less than 1 million a year so they dont get hit with extra tax.

OK so you dont have kids and have your own career and own money- you obviously dont speak for the other 80% of women who live at home, have no jobs and have preschool age children to raise.

[eku-bong]

Eku,
how would you suggest one to balance the need for funds with love (or old love)??? Is there such a thing??? can there be a balance??


I know that even the best made plans have cracks in the foundations that develop into canyons if not guarded...

there is no way to balance anything...

of course we all set out believing that ours is the only love that we need...
but i think that financial equality from the start... hell all sorts of equality... including equal amounts of compromise... but it sounds like you arent some young thing with a fresh fling... so i reckon you know what you are doing...
making plans is always a good idea..
and it seems like that is just what you are doing.

plans dont always work out.. neither do back-up plans.. but so what... theres always improvisation with shlt at hand (go go mc gyver... hehe) which usually means using the remnants of your trashed plans. some patience.. and a spit of optimism.

japan isnt as bad as everybody makes it out to be..
i wont pretend to adore living here... but mostly thats for personal reasons...(been here 23 years and its almost time to move on... ) japan like a marriage... is what you make of it..

[LoreZyra]

You have obviously never lived in Asia...

You're absolutely correct... I've never lived in Asia before... I've only visited Japan for months at a time for the last 4 years...(Twice this year already...)


In fact, I don't even have a real model of what a married family life is like... I didn't have the "leave it to Beaver" life... Mom walked out on Dad and he didn't seem to care.


I come from a poor family and couldn't wait to be on my own... I did learn a few things before I left... "Think before you leap..." "Nothing last forever..." (and) "Nothing of value is earned without risk..."

As I've said before: I do "whatever it takes" to accomplish my goals... but I "think before I leap" into something that will risk everything...


I've been told on more than one occasion that I "listen too much" and that is sometimes disturbing to them. I learned early on to listen first... then talk...

[eku-bong]

Eku Imnot going to argue with you. You are right.

However.....

OK so you dont have kids and have your own career and own money- you obviously dont speak for the other 80% of women who live at home, have no jobs and have preschool age children to raise.

shlt paul... you seriously NEVER read ppls posts... now or before..
where did... took the kid and left ...pass you by? in the previous argument we went through it...

and BTW ask your mum... i bet she was way happier penniless and independant than when she was being "supported" by your dad. most women get by... thats the way they are. when i left my ex i had to support my son.. then get him into uni... there were major cut backs on both my and my son's part.. but we were glad to make that sacrifice ...

i did gaman in the beginning... thinking that my son needed his dad until a certain age.. but it was him who said to me...lets just go.
staying together for the kids sake is not always the best thing for children... 2 functional but separated... or even 1 functional parent is better than living in constant dischord.

most japanese women have their parents to fall back on... hell most of them never even grow away from parental assistance... japan will eventually change.. women arent getting married so quickly anymore... and this year with the new pension laws... will see more divorces than japan has ever imagined possible...

[Name Deleted]

You're absolutely correct... I've never lived in Asia before... I've only visited Japan for months at a time for the last 4 years...(Twice this year already...)


In fact, I don't even have a real model of what a married family life is like... I didn't have the "leave it to Beaver" life... Mom walked out on Dad and he didn't seem to care.

.

Listen very carefully here when you marry your fiance you dont marry your parents in law and her relatives as well.

Part of what doomed my relationship is her mother was against it while her father supported it.

You will have to deal with her family on many levels and you have to realise you dont just marry her but you marry the family as well, its a very un-American thing. Her parents have probably looked in to your background to see what kind of guy their daughter is marrying. job, income, who your parents are and what they do, the works.

Think like things will be like home and you are asking for trouble. My wife put her mother before her own husband and on occasions she will take sides. You will soon see where her priorities lie here.

My parents were married 45 years, mostly unhappy and mom was happy the day the old man finally died at 74. Said she felt like smashing his face in.

Just think, once you marry you are STUCK with this woman, whether you like it or not.

[Name Deleted]

si did gaman in the beginning... thinking that my son needed his dad until a certain age.. but it was him who said to me...lets just go.
staying together for the kids sake is not always the best thing for children... 2 functional but separated... or even 1 functional parent is better than living in constant dischord.
.

If my wife had to support herself in Australia without me she would last about 2 weeks. Foreign country, no job skills. Part time income. The only reason she gets by is because I send her money every month. Take that away and she shrivels up and dies. My wifes rent costs $350/ week which is more than she makes in her job. I pay for the rest, kids schooling food, bills etc.

Everyone has their war stories but it doesnt mean its the same for everyone.

My kids are probably happier without the fights but they still need two parents in their life. You cant be a father AND a mother to your son, only his father can and thats where women fall down- there is no male role model for kids and thats why many end up in gangs, do drugs etc.

[LoreZyra]

And you young whippersnapper have the audacity to call this 'my thread'?!

How dare you! What an outrage!
...

Since I'm the OP... that qualifies this thread as my own...

[Woodman]

Geez man..........sorry but your UNHAPPINESS and MISERY are really showing in this thread.

I do hope that someday you will find a relationship filled with love as Eku-bong has said in one of the above posts.

[Kaigangirl]

So true..........

However in my case I have never lived outside of japan with my wife and can only think that when it happens - nearly happened this year - then it will be an added bonus to a happy relationship.

Hmmm... stock up on the kimono's... attempting to take a fish out of water per say... thus rockin the boat... tis not all plain sailing...

Nuff cliches and sincerely the best of luck...

[The Old Man]

Hmmm... stock up on the kimono's... attempting to take a fish out of water per say... thus rockin the boat... tis not all plain sailing...
...

That is my only worry, but still think it's better than the other way of marrying a J women before you've seen her operate in J land