Gaigin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

[Jeanne]

My husband came to Japan from New York City a month before my arrival. I was greeted by a changed man obsessed with his new life especially the all night partying and new found preference for Japanese women. Old story with Western men, I am told. Also told that 90% of marriages like mine (no kids, I have no job) end up in divorce. Anyone with personal or other experience and advice for a woman who has chosen to try to stick it out awhile, get a job teaching, and developing own social circle separate from our mutual friends? I have been used to the Wall Street Banker hours and late night drinking for years. This is a new obsession. Should I just leave and cut my losses or follow my plan to establish myself, and hope he will eventually come out of it when the novelty wears off. The fact that Japan caters to men's needs primarily and the attitude Gaigin men take toward their situation, like a kid in a candy store to some.....makes me wonder if I am wasting my time. Any advice welcomed.

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid your husband has a case of 'Yellow Fever'. An addiction to Japanese women. Quite common as you may notice by looking at the 'Men Seeking Women' pages in the personals section of metropolis.co.jp

He is, in effect, married to Japan now! I've even met 'happily married' western guys who have several Japanese girls on the side! No cure I'm afraid. The men blame western women, aggressive, money-grabbing etc...

There must be some women who you could turn to for support. No use trying to change him. As you've no kids, you've nothing to bargain with. He's in p*ssy heaven with a good job and plenty of beer. That's all guys like him need.

Dunno what the stats are on men who marry Japanese women they meet doing the 'flesh-run' but I bet the failure rate is quite high. Some would say the women they chase are scheming but I think they're gullible to think that they've found perfection in their western hero. As soon as he's bored or she begins to lose her looks/figure, he'll be back in the clubs/bars.

Dump him girl! Wedding vows mean nothing to him.

[Anonymous]

I'm afraid your husband has a case of 'Yellow Fever'. An addiction to Japanese women. Quite common as you may notice by looking at the 'Men Seeking Women' pages in the personals section of metropolis.co.jp

He is, in effect, married to Japan now! I've even met 'happily married' western guys who have several Japanese girls on the side! No cure I'm afraid. The men blame western women, aggressive, money-grabbing etc...

There must be some women who you could turn to for support. No use trying to change him. As you've no kids, you've nothing to bargain with. He's in p*ssy heaven with a good job and plenty of beer. That's all guys like him need.

Dunno what the stats are on men who marry Japanese women they meet doing the 'flesh-run' but I bet the failure rate is quite high. Some would say the women they chase are scheming but I think they're gullible to think that they've found perfection in their western hero. As soon as he's bored or she begins to lose her looks/figure, he'll be back in the clubs/bars.

Dump him girl! Wedding vows mean nothing to him.

[Jeanne]

Thanks for the advice Thomasina. I have to make a decision soon. I cannot live like this much longer. Are you speaking from personal experience, or observation? I'm just curious. I'd like to hear someone else's story. My problem other than the obvious is I have no one here, and cannot turn to family back in New York. All my money was spent years ago, he controls all $$$ here. All of my belongings were shipped here. If and when I leave I go with only what I can carry. That is a hell of a situation for a woman in her late forties. By the way, the problem with my husband begins with alcoholism, depression, obsession with pornography, massage parlors etc. No one woman. I believe he's to selfish to "share" himself in a relationship. He has always been selfish and admits it. Alcohol and "yellow fever", as well as meeting new people all the time who do not know his flaws......that is how he runs from himself. His own version of Prozac. I know him, I am a constant reminder of of reality, so he is out 6 nights a week. I get one night. I run his household, pay all the bills etc. He does not have a clue as to what it is like to handle those things. When I go, he will have to get someone to show him how to operate the washer/dryer, and will only learn about bills in Japan as each utility is turned off. I am talking NO clue. That is probably why he hasn't said "just go" when I threaten him. His family thinks he will hit bottom and hopes I stick around to pick up the pieces. Once I am really convinced there is no hope and feel I have made the right decision. I will go. The situation is just made worse by my being here in Japan. If we were home in New York, still had my career and friends it would be alot easier to just walk. I think he knows that and takes full advantage of his upper hand here. But I can only take so much, so it is a just a matter of time. My being ready....for myself. By the way, my question about stats on marriage was about Western marriages, not Gaigin-Japanese. Any comments on that? Either from you or anyone else who's reading. Again, Thanks Thomasina for taking the time to answer.

[mia]

I knwo many japanese women are going out with married western men.
In fact, friend of mine was very happy to meet those men to just having fun. But we don`t think their western hero and do think A man has a lot different manner. As you say , might be they are yellow fever but I think wherever men go , they tend to have some girls and think we are piece of meat it`s common sence. If your husband has been an addiction to japanese women, he could be getting into any racial girls. don`t blame japanese . sounds like you are a looser. Face the problem that between you and your husband.

[Jeanne]

Mia, I NEVER blamed the Japanese women first of all. And you have got a lot to learn. It is the HUSBAND and women who date married men who are the LOSERS in any culture. My Japanese girlfriends would never date a married man especially a western one who is Definitely using them. They have more respect for themselves. It sounds like you are associating with a bad element, get new friends. If you are one of them GET A LIFE and have more self respect. My husband cheats, I LEAVE HIM. The wife only loses her heart when she goes, but gets back her self respect. IN ANY CULTURE. It seems to me you were looking for an excuse to blame the wives of these LOSER CHEATING HUSBANDS.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, I am surprised you came to Japan with him. Before that you should have left...assuming it was easy.

Was your husband sent to Japan by his company? If so was it a large company? I may sound like an idealist without a sense of reality but firms with proper HR divisions should weed things like this out. Can they offer any assistance? They could be liable too (I sound like my insurance friend...) especially if they had prior knowledge of his tendancies/problems. You can sue them for destroying your marriage and be financially sound...just a thought.

[Carl]

All these married gaijin men with Japanese girlfriends, yet this 100% SINGLE unattached gaijin can not meet even one.
Please throw me a hint.. WHERE to find them?

Thanks!!!!!!

[mia]

jeanne, you should not be up set like that. and I have got friends who are having fun with those men but I don`t and I won`t and I have a great life I made on my own. and You can not prejudge those girls are all wrong in any culture . like if there is a doctor, there should be a patient that means someone should be on a position. (forgive me if my english is poor for you)
I do understand what those girls do is wrong but there must be any other reason before this problem has come to you.

thomasina
First of all, I can not stand word of YELLOW FEVER . this sounds like western women are THE women and you classify others are something else.
日本人のこと馬鹿にし過ぎ！！そういう方は日本に来な いでください！！

[richard]

Jeanne

Try TELL - Tokyo English Life Life - 03-5774-0992.
TELL Counselling Services 03-3498-0231 - by appointment

They have both phone service and face-to-face counselling with trained counsellors, and this is a common problem for them to deal with. 100% confidential, and they can also introduce you to other resources. I know - I work with them and support them.

From 21+ years of experience of working overseas, not sure if local company HR departments are much use, their usually Japanese staff have little to no interest in dealing with expensive short-term expats' problems, and they employ your husband, not you. Extreme case/ solution would be to ship both of you back. HO office personnel unlikely to admit to poor choice of posting.

From experience here, few companies would interfere/ advise with your marriage problems, and and to try to sue them is a joke. Their lack of a complete orientation to Japan is unfortunate, but they are hardly likely to counsel on dangers of local women, which could apply anywhere in the world, not just here.

Agree with Mia that "Yellow fever" is an unnecessary comment, as it can happen in any country, and the problem seems to be your husband's attitude, not the local ladies. He could always say no.

Again, as above, suggest you try professional counselling.

Richard




And Carl
Get off the internet and get a life. No wonder you cannot find friends if you spend your time glued to the PC monitor, moaning to everyone. Learn (again) how to communicate face-to-face with real people.

[Jeanne]

Obviously wanting to hear other people's stories if in same situation escalated to this insanity. Oh, and by the way I do have professional help. SB, personal problems escalate in new settings if you are trying to run from yourself in a lot of cases. Husband is a functioning alcoholic. Few people know of his problems. For anyone else. I have no problems or prejudices against Japanese women. If you want to continue this argument. Please leave me out of it. My marital problems are not even ABOUT infidelity. Thank you......and I am FINISHED!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

When I was in Tokyo, I was given a guided tour of the Roppongi district. That appears to be the place where the guys go for 'entertainment'.

Japanese men use it to go to be 'entertained' by westerm women. It's where, I'm sure you remember, Lucy Blackman was abducted last year sometime.

No surprise then that HIV/AIDS is making its presence felt in Japan.

Some of the clubs which advertise in the English language mags have girls just waiting to be picked up. Seems to be a mini industry.

Mind you, it's the same in Thailand/Singapore etc....

There's even a book advertised in Hiragana Times magazine entitled 'how to pick up women- Japanese girls are so easy', no joke. Seems to be a way of life.

It's also an open secret that Japan's the place to go for easy women. NOT for the culture as many tell their freinds/relatives back home!

When the Japanese women realise that he's good for them, he'll be left alone and washed up. Just a matter of time........

[Jeanne]

Thanks for stating the facts Derry. It is a generalization but I have to tell you we live in ROPPONGI. For some men it is alcohol 24-7, and eye candy for miles. That is my husbands' problem already being an alcoholic and voyeur(he likes to look). Did not take much to try to lose himself in it. By the way, HE is the one who educated ME on what is available....so anyone out there with a problem......blame him, not me!

[Anonymous]

Roppongi! What a pile of c r a p! Have you ever been outside to those places? Your post says "appears" and "seems" in many places. Don't you know anything? This is like a 15 year-old article from a coffee table guide, travel magazine, or an old book by Boye de Mente. Few real Japanese go to Roppongi, they can't afford it. But they have Shinjuku, Ikebukuro, Yoshiwara, Kawasaki and Chiba and a whole host of other places surrounding their local stations if they want sex. A few of the more aware foreigners will venture there, but as language skills and some knowledge of the "fuzoku" are required, most of the Roppongi "Hooray Henry's", diplobrats and expat corporate jerks will not go there. Few Japanese girls want foreigners as customers, they leave that to the Koreans, Chinese, Thais and Filipinas.
One white woman goes missing and the tabloids and media scream, while 25-30 Asian girls disappear each year and no-one cares. Ever heard of Watakano Island and Matoya-wan?
And as for HIV in Japan, many cases have come from Japanese men screwing around Asia without condoms, and bringing it back home to their wives and friends. The professional girls know better than to risk their health, while Japanese girls on holiday are the second largest "at-risk" group here, as their knowledge of their bodies and STDs is very weak.
Every country and all towns have their "redlight districts", for "entertainment", but Roppongi is just for the gullible G&T expense account types, dumb "tarento" and sports jocks, witless travel writers and a few rich "International" Japanese.
Get with it!
Not so naive nor PC husband who returns home to his wife at nights!

[Anonymous]

Roppongi was merley used in the context of this thread. (turns out the starter of the thread lives there) No geography lesson needed. The context also had nothing to do with 'real Japanese' either, whatever they are!

The statement about HIV/AIDS was just that, not a statement about its origins within Japan.

The abduction of Lucy Blackman was used to place Roppongi in the mind as it's now famous for that incident.

[Jeanne]

As I said before, but did not adhere to......leave ME out of this sh@#! I will not, no matter what the content of the e-mail RESPOND AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Jeanne Jeanne -- Hi! I read that you won't respond again, and that's OK. But I think people at first wanted to help you, so we'd like to hear how things are going. As a foreign male living in Japan, I know the temptations and also empathize with you, because you didn't know what you were walking into. But one question I have is, what kind of job does your husband have and was it a transfer from the States? Or did your husband try to come and relocate? Also, it sounds like the alcohol and pornography problems existed before coming to Japan. I'm surprised that you gave up everything to follow your husband here. You might have tried for a 'leave of absence' from your job, so you had some kind of a security net to fall back on. Again, none of us who respond on these bulletin boards can know your full situation, but it sounds like this guy is no treat to be around anyway. Let us know how you're doing, and I'm sure the more compassionate of us will try to respond in a helpful way. --- Rational
PS. What we he think if he suddenly found you were having an affair with a 'host club' guy??

[Anonymous]

Foreign travel is an escape and that is why so many long for it. Once abroad, many forsake their past and try to make a new one. If you're not part of the new one, then you're part of the old. I would wait until the following time periods have passed: 3 month, 6month, 1 year, 2 year. Those are the main times for homesickness. If he wants to go back, go back then. If he makes it through that and wants to stay, you've got a hen na gaijin on your hands and he will never want to leave. Unless you can compete with the feminine beauty and sensitivity of Japanese women, you may have difficulty holding on to your man.
Begin to get some job skills. Make an income, so you're not a financial burden to him -- and viewed that way. Take correspondence classes. And be prepared for a lengthy battle.
If you can't beat 'em, you might have to leave 'em.

[Chris]

Jeanne,

Get your English Teaching job, store up some cash and get the hell out. It sounds like your husband is paying for it, anyway, so don't let him cheating make you feel responsible.

Mia,

You won't find Western girls saying that their own men have "White Fever". That's for sure

Carl,

Why not? If you can find women in your own country, it should be even easier in Japan.

Chris

[Anonymous]

You never said what type of education or experience you have. If you have a degree you can teach English. Many schools especially now because of terrorism are having difficulty filling vacancies by less people wanting to travel. If you work for a small school you can teach private students and make tonnes of money. You don't even have to teach for a school get private students. Visit your local tourist area at your city ward ask them for help to get students.

Regardless of what nationality you are, you can still teach English if you are fluent enough. If you are Japanese try teaching Japanese.

If your husband is never home he won't know that you have a job. Don't bring any proof home at all that you have another job. Open your own bank account and save all the you can. Tell him you need more money for groceries, clothing, etc. and put that money in a bank account. Take money from his wallet when he is sleeping. He obviously drinks alot and won't notice a few thousand yen missing from time to time. Have you met anyone that can help you create stories for explanations in case he does come home. Eg I was at Sara's apartment ... I need to buy a baby shower present for --- can I have some money. It sounds like he doesn't spend any time with you or your friends he won't know who is who. I have a wedding to go to can I have some money.... a funeral ....

Get him to loosen his purse strings. Do it little by little or he may suspect that something is up.

Just a few ideas

I've known many women who have had to resort to this.

[Anonymous]

Do you have family in New York that you can talk to? Do you have friends that you can ship things to?? You can move out little by little and he will never no what is going on.

Get yourself a job in a language school. Do not give them your home phone number that way they can't call you. You may lose overtime because of this but it is the safest way you can have a job without your husband finding out. If you have a friend here in Japan ask them if you can use their address for any correspendence the company may send you. (you may want to use his/her phone number as well for the job search) Open your own citibank saving account and try to have your pay deposited or transfered into that account. That will help you to prepare for your trip back home. After a year or less you should have plenty of money saved that will allow you to buy a small used car, your plane ticket home, and at least 6 months rent and food. Most language schools start at 250,000 yen a month. Save for a year and let the math work itself out.

You mentioned that you pay the bills. Does he require you to show him receipts? If he doesn't require a receipt tell him you need more. Pocket the difference and save it.

About a month before you leave you can start to ship things. You choose the cheapest method possible to send it to New York. Get one box at a time and bring it home when you know for sure he won't be there. Have everything set out and seperated that you want to ship. If your husband sees anything explain that you are cleaning and trying to find things to fix and throw out. You only want to basically have your necessities. It will cost you an arm and leg to send everything so only send things that you truly cherish. Check with the airline with the amount of luggage you are allowed to bring with you. The extra charge is enormous for going over the limit.

When the day finally approaches for you to leave do not keep your flight tickets at home, leave them at a friends house. If you have family ask for their assistance that requires you to go home. eg. a very sick uncle, aunt, grandmother etc. This way you won't run into a problem leaving. (suitcases)

Another very important piece of advice is to choose your friend very carefully that you decide to have help you with your plan. It may backfire. She/he may not want you to leave your husband.

Good luck and keep me posted
newme75

[Anonymous]

You haven't responded for the last week or so. I hope that means that you have a job and you are too busy.

I'm curious as to what you have decided to do.

newme

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting when men hate there own race's women??
Interesting and strange...I guess they do not want a woman like dear old mom.....

My husband and I lived in Japan for 6 years, we had a great time and met many nice people. He never left me for a Japanese woman.

I of course did not leave him either, but our trip to Japan changed my mind about Japanese men. In western media they are given a bad rap, but I met many who were very open minded, open hearted and very handsome.

To the original poster, your husband never loved you. I advise you find yourself a good man, (if you are the type of woman who NEEDS a man) or just enjoy your independence while in Japan.

Life is an adventure do not waste your time on morons.

[Chris]

I find it strange when a man hates the women in his own race too. Probably comes down to a bad history with them, ie. not getting any. Personally, I reckon both have their good points physically (Western girls are often a bit bigger, but then they come with bigger melons, and Japanese women often don't, but then they often have slimmer frames ), and personality-wise, every girl is different. Western girls, IMO, pull off sexiness a lot better, but then Japanese girls are a whole lot cuter.

Of course, I am generalising... but seeing that is what this thread is about, generalist answers are the only way to go. I don't believe anyone should limit themselves to one group of women!

Chris

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the response Chris. I am glad that I am not the only one that finds it a little strange.

Another funny thing too, is that when Caucasian men talk about their preference for Asian females they mention things like - more feminine etc.. And this is the exact same thing African American men say about why they like Caucasian women.....hmmm interesting.

Also, your posting was good, but it made me laugh a little. You see I am only 5'2" and weigh 100 pounds. My husband's nickname for me is button...as in cute as a...

Thanks for this little chat it has been very interesting !

[Chris]

I think comparatively, Asian women do act in a more feminine manner (and probably Caucasian women compared to African American women too). It has more to do with their upbringing and culture than anything else.

Remember, I was generalising! Yes, I know some cute tiny Caucasian girls, but if I go for a walk in an Aussie mall, I'd need a calculator to add up how many "large" women and blokes I can see at anyone time. In a Japanese mall, I can probably count the fatties with my two thumbs ;-)

Chris

[Anonymous]

Just out of curiosity what is your definition of feminine?

And while we are at it I wonder where the world's most masculine men reside??

I work in the fashion industry, so most of the men and women I see on a daily basis are skinny rails who are a LOT taller than me!

But, I do see some fatties while shopping, black, white and Asian, I am in the US now, so blame it on the fast food I guess !!

[Chris]

Feminine - someone who doesn't act like a guy? :-) Someone who lacks boyish attitudes. What's your definition of feminine? I'm not a fan of girls who try to be "equal" to men in personality. In the workforce, fine, but there is a reason women and men have different personality types. Imagine men trying to be equal to women - big hairy girlies!

The world's most masculine man is me! *cough* I don't know... some wilderness tribal setting, I'd imagine.

Ah okay, well I guess you don't get to see the rest of the slobs that often at work... but yes, at the mall you get to see a whole lot of tubbies. Fat Asians who live in Western countries, by comparison, never seem to ever get as fat us! I presume you've been to Japan already, seeing you use this message board. Can you remember how everyone was so damn thin? Fat people were as common as dodos.

Chris

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have lived in Japan so I do know what you are talking about in regard to the weight thing, but it all has to do with the food they eat.

I really have no idea what masculine and feminine really is.
Most seem to agree that when you act in a passive way that is feminine and when you act in an aggressive way that is masculine.

Have you ever seen the movie Fargo?
It that movie the pregnant police chief is tough on her job, but very soft and loving at home with her husband. I cannot make up my mind which she is, probably both.

I think most people actually have a little bit of both in them really.

...oh and there are men who try to be the same as women...and they get away with it too. Think of the movie The Crying Game and you know what I mean!

I guess like beauty, feminine and masculine is in the eye of the beholder.

[Anonymous]

I think it's healthy to mix the gene pool -- and any guy who wants his mom is just sick.
I think you're looking for a "cowboy"

[Anonymous]

So are you saying that your Dad married his "Mom", or are you of mixed blood.

I have nothing against mixed marriages, if anything were to happen to my husband, I think I would want my next husband to be Japanese.

Also, I don't understand what you mean by cowboy, and what does that have to do with anything?

Just out of curiosity is it difficult to raise mixed children in Japan?
We knew a few mixed couples in Japan, most of the non-Japanese fathers said it was difficult for their children and the non- Japanese mother said it was not so bad.

Just curious what you think.

[franck]

Dear Jenna.

If you don't mind, I would like to share with you my understanding
of what the term "feminine" means to me because, according to me,
it has nothing to do with being passive or aggressive.

When I look at a woman, the first things I examine are, believe me or
not:
- her face
- her thinness
- the way she moves
- the way she talks
(personally, I think that guys who look at the butt or at the breast
first aren't "civilized" people...)

The more she will be different from a man, the more I will "admire"
her. Men and women should behave as if they previously came from
two different worlds.
Sorry to say that, but I would never be kind and respectful to a woman if
she is loud or with men-like gesture. SOMETIMES, when I see SOME western
couples walking around, I can't hardly understand why the guy hasn't the
feeling he always has intercourse with another guy.

And when a man is admiring his partner, he can do anything for her.
What I mean is: you shouldn't consider as passive, girls who are clever in fact.
They know how to play the game; the game where the man and the woman both became
the winners (if the man is clever enough though!).

But don't misunderstand me: everything is a matter of taste, isn't it!

Have a good day!