Humor

[TJrandom]

A wife, in bed with her lover, heard her husband's key in the lock.

"Just stay where you are," she instructed, "he's always so drunk he won't even notice you."

Sure enough, the husband fell into bed none the wiser, but when he looked down and through his drunken haze saw six feet at the other end, he said, "What's going on here? There are six feet in this bed!"

"Nonsense," said the wife, calmly. "You're so drunk you can't count. Get out of bed and try again from over there."

So her husband staggered from the bed, walked to the foot of it and counted out loud, "One, two, three, four… damn it. You're right!"

[TJrandom]

A sex therapist was having lunch with Mick.

"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.

"Really?" asked Mick.

The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"

Mick shook his head, "No."

"I thought you wouldn't!" said the therapist.

[TJrandom]

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 2kg.'

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30kgs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The man nodded ...

'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the 3rd day…'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f****in' skippin'.

[nynapaj]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new."
"I see! Good work", said the doctor.
"So, basically, you and I do the same work. And actually, if I mess up, it can be fatal. Just like your job, right?"
"I suppose that's true", said the doctor.

"So how come I make $50,000 a year and you get $800,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[TJrandom]

Tom applied for a signalman's job on the railroad and met his new boss at the signal tower.

The boss gave Tom a pop quiz.

"What would you do if you realised two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" he asked Tom.

"I'd switch one to another track," said Tom.

"What if the switch lever broke?", asked his boss.

"I'd run down the track and use the manual lever."

"What if the manual lever had been struck by lightning?" persisted the boss.

"I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal tower," said Tom.

"What if the phone was busy?"

"I'd run down to the station and use the pay phone," replied Tom.

"What if the pay phone had been vandalized?" asked the boss.

Tom, tiring of this silly game, responded, "Well, I guess in that case I'd run into town and get my Uncle Leo."

The boss looked puzzled. "Why on Earth would you do that?" he asked.

"Because Leo's never seen a train wreck," said Tom.

[TJrandom]

A golfer, who has sliced every tee shot, asked his caddy, "Do you see any obvious reasons for my poor drives?"

"There's a piece of sh*t on the end of your driver," replied the caddy.

The golfer stared to clean the clubface, but the caddy said, "No. Wrong end!"

[TJrandom]

A small boy had a school homework question to answer, so he asked his father: "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thought and then said "Son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million dollars."

The boy toddled off and came back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million dollars."

"OK son," said his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddled off, and came back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad said: "OK, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million dollars."

The son came back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million dollars. But realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

[TJrandom]

You don’t say….
- Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
- Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
- Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
- Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
- Squirrel who runs up woman’s' leg will not find nuts.
- Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
- Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
- Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
-War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
- Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
- It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
- Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who fish in other man's well often catches crabs.

[Subarctican]

I didn't read this whole thread, so my apologies if this was already posted:

At the end of a busy day, a man and his wife
were sitting at home on the veranda in the quiet of twilight.

As the sun slowly sank below the mountains,
he broke the comfortable silence saying, "I love you."

She asked, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replied, "It's me. I'm talking to the beer."

[TJrandom]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake however, when she accused Frank, a new member of being an alcoholic, after she saw his old truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his truck in front of Mildred's house ... walked home .... .and left it there all night.

[TJrandom]

Mark was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo Indian walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mark tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo. The Indian just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mark.

'What in bag?' asked the Navajo

'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo was silent for another moment. He nodded, then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, said: 'Good trade....'

[TJrandom]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating.
You’ve even named your daughter Honey.”

He turned to the second mother, Ann: “Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.“

He turned to the third mother, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol.
This to shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dicky, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Fanny and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

[biking]

10) They call me 'Don Juan in diaper'. 9) I'm a 400 pound hunk of burnin' love.
8) Let's enjoy the traditional Japanese custom of gettin' it on.
7) Wanna wrassle?
6) I may look tubby, but I got an a$$ like a jackhammer.
5) People say I look like a young Paul Newman.
4) Wanna do it with a fat guy?
3) I'm 3 percent muscle, 50 percent fat, and 100 percent sex machine.
2) You can be on top.
1) I've got Mount Fuji in my pants

[baki]

TJ these jokes are gold!

"Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!"

[Seattlegirl]

I almost peed watching this.

[TJrandom]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'."

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jump!'."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump only ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm'."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle ... at ze beginning."

[TJrandom]

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three became pregnant.

The first two each had a baby boy.

The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that - The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

[TJrandom]

Three women were showering in the athletic club when a man ran through wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

The first woman checked him out and said, "He's not MY husband!"

The second woman looked him over and said, "He's not MY husband, either!"

He passed the third woman, who agreed, then said, "Hey, wait a minute. He's not even a member of this club!"

[TJrandom]

A husband and his wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend, and didn't inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear........my stomach," and he disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs, into the maid's bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came silently............

He wasted no time or words but quickly took of his clothes, and got on top of her. When he was finished and still panting, the wife said "You didn't expect to find me in this bed did you!!" and switched on the light.

"No madam", said the gardener.

[TJrandom]

Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't quite reach that far.

[TJrandom]

Baby bear went downstairs and sat in his small chair at the table. He looked into his small bowl, but it was empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaked.

Daddy Bear arrived at the big table and sat in his big chair. He looked into his big bowl and it was also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roared.

Mummy Bear put her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yelled, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence..

So listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET

[Don Juan]

Hahaha
Hahahahaha

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

"Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'."

"And did you jump?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jump!'."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump only ten feet."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm'."

"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle ... at ze beginning."

[biking]

I almost peed watching this.

For those of us in Japan we cannot view this (unless we are the few who have access to a US proxy server).

[Seattlegirl]

For those of us in Japan we cannot view this (unless we are the few who have access to a US proxy server).

Oh, crap, thanks for letting me know. I actually watched it on Saturday night "live" and did a quick search. Sorry.

[Jakebullet]

For those of us in Japan we cannot view this (unless we are the few who have access to a US proxy server).

I have noticed that too.

[withnail]

(bumped to get rid of spam posting)

[Seattlegirl]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

[Seattlegirl]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and claims that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left knee and screams in pain. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more. She pushes her stomach and screams and then she pushes her ankle and screams even louder. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no," she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Seattlegirl]

[TJrandom]

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: You're wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you!

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them!

[Jerimiah Beam]

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[TJrandom]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, electronic gear, the life preserver, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the flight attendant, "and so is the co-captain. In fact, the entire crew is female."

"My God!" said Ed. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing, sir," said the flight attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit ... Now, it's called the box office."

[TJrandom]

Three large, leather-clad bikers entered the truckers' cafe; and walked over to a little old man eating at the counter.

The first biker pushed his cigarette into the man's pie.

The second spat into the man's milk.

The third turned over the old man's plate.

As they laughed and sat down in a booth, the old man stood up from the counter and silently left the diner.

When the waitress came to their booth to take their order, one biker said, "Not much of a man, was he?"

"Not much of a truck driver either," replied the waitress. "He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

[TJrandom]

It was early evening, a full moon was out. She was young, but fully matured – definitely not a virgin, having had a lot more experience than I had. She stood there quietly, expectantly, and prepared for what was to come. I sat down, facing her and touched her legs – pushing gently so that she would move them apart - and she complied. A warm breeze caused her hair down there to move and it glistened in the moonlight

I touched her neck and then gently caressed her side and slid my hand toward her breast and nipples. Slowly and gently I squeezed just a little. My head rested against her and she leaned into me as if to give permission for what was to come next. She moved nervously and let out a quiet sigh as I got down to business. From time to time she shifted ever so slowly – as if to let me know that she was a partner in this act – even if somewhat passively so.

It took a half hour or more, and then I was done. She sensed this and shifted a bit more, readjusted her legs and breathed deeply.

As I stood up I again touched her side and let my hand move to caress her neck and touched her behind an ear. She twitched and then she shuddered.

There, I had milked my first cow.

[TJrandom]

The maid asked her employers for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now why do you want a pay increase?"

Maid: "Well, my lady, there are tree reasons why I want an increase." "The first is that I do ironing better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maid: "Your husband says so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense ! Who said you were a better cook. ?

Maria: "Your husband says so."

Wife (increasingly agitated): "Oh, he did, did he ??"

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better than you in bed."

Wife (really boiling now, and through gritted teeth): "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No my lady......." "The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[biking]

An Irishman, a Scottishman and an Englishman are all going to be executed by a firing squad.

The Englishman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they're going to shoot him, he shouts "Earthquake!" and the firing squad runs away.

Then they bring out the Scottishman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts "Tidal Wave!" and the firing squad again runs away.

The Irishman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the Irishman shouts, "Fire!"

[TJrandom]

A private Leer jet arrived at Heathrow international airport and President Donald Trump strode to the waiting limousine for his first state visit to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

From there, they were driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continued on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all was going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse let fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shook the coach. The smell was atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage used use perfume-dipped handkerchief over their nose, provided by the Queen, and the two did their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turned to President Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

President Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[TJrandom]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra chips and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soft drink, and her favourite lollies, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard! !!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[TJrandom]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[TJrandom]

One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, NO, The duck didn't say THAT!... Don't be SO disgusting! The duck said 'I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!!

YOU ALL HAVE SICK MINDS