Humor

[TJrandom]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those pricks at the lumber yard ever deliver the f4ckin' plywood..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

[Jakebullet]

One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, NO, The duck didn't say THAT!... Don't be SO disgusting! The duck said 'I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE!!

YOU ALL HAVE SICK MINDS

This one was lame...

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mum got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay envelope at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those pricks at the lumber yard ever deliver the f4ckin' plywood..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Classic!

[TJrandom]

This one was lame...

Yes – I know, but then I try to cater to the needs of the broader GP audience – and not just the top shelfers. Besides – I only post a few each week out of a score or so that I come across, and sometimes the pickings are a bit slim.

But in the true spirit of community service and trying to make everyone spew their coffee, my apologies for that one. I believe it is properly classified as a groaner.

[TJrandom]

A man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland and nightfall was rapidly approaching. Having nowhere to sleep, he went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. The man thanked him, and walked toward the barn.

The farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer, "and needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn."

"Perhaps he is hungry," said the daughter, so she prepared a plate of food for the traveler and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned - her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife being very observant, suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine and took it to the barn. She, too an hour later returned - her clothing askew and her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she burst into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?!" shouted her father. He angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looking back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and belted out a famous yodel...

"AYEEEOOOOAYMADEHERSQUEELYAYEEEOOOOLAIDTHEOLADYTOO O".

[TJrandom]

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally got married, resulting in the birth of a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry: no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so she wouldn’t be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr & Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And out West to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high-class Yukon Golds or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr & Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Muammar Gaddafi.

Muammar Gaddafi!

Mr & Mrs Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Muammar Gaddafi, because he's just.........







.........a DICKTATER.

[biking]

You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!

[Jakebullet]

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

A smurf walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Why so blue?' ”

"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub

[Jakebullet]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiiipppp! Another one! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse than the last one. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

[checo62000]

a man finished his meal at a restaurant and left his tip: three pennies.
As he walked out, his waitress mumbled, loud enough for him to hear, "You can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man spun around, and asked, "Really? What exactly does my tip say to you?"

"Well," she replied, "this first penny says you're a thrifty man."

Barely concealing his pride, the man said, "True enough."

She continued, "And this second penny tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised, he said, "Well, yes, I am."

"And this third penny tells me that your father was, too!"

Me, sorry. Not a native speaker of English. Didn't get this one, but I'd like to see where the joke is. Would anyone explain?

[TJrandom]

Me, sorry. Not a native speaker of English. Didn't get this one, but I'd like to see where the joke is. Would anyone explain?

From the joke: She continued, "And this second penny tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised, he said, "Well, yes, I am."

"And this third penny tells me that your father was, too!"


If his father was a bachelor – that means that his mother was not married. And the word that is commonly used to describe a child that is born to an unmarried woman – is basterd (with an a).

So she was calling him a basterd. (with an a, not an e).

[biking]

A woman friend looked at my chest and said, "Of course." That's when I realized I was wearing a T-shirt I had picked up at the annual biker rally in Sturgis, S.D. It read "If a man says something in the woods where no woman can hear, is he still wrong?"

[biking]

Heating water for pasta, I kept checking to see if it had begun to boil. My 13-year-old son shook his head. "Stop doing that, Dad. It's like that saying: 'A watched website never loads.'"

[TJrandom]

When Pedro and Maria got married, he was a very experienced man, but she was totally naive. On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria said, "Pedro! What is that?"

Pedro was a quick thinker. "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And then he proudly showed her what it was for.

Maria was very happy.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned to work, only to return home one day to find an upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

"Pedro, you said you were the only man in the world with one of those and yet today, when I saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the shed, he had one, too!"

Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I gave him one. So he is the only other man in the world with one."

A skeptical Maria accepted this answer, but when Pedro returned home the next day, an agitated Maria was waiting on the porch.

"Maria? Now what's wrong?"

"Dammit, Pedro. You gave the best one to Gonzalez!"

[TJrandom]

A man's wife became more and more cold to him. He loved her dearly and didn't want to do anything to hurt her feelings, so he asked his doctor what to do.

The doctor said, "Well, I could let you try this experimental pill I have."

"Great, Doc! I'll try anything!"

"Okay," said the doctor. "Slip one of these pills into her coffee tonight at dinner. By bedtime, you should see a reaction. But remember: they're strong, so only give her one!"

That night, at dinner, when she wasn't looking, he slipped one of the tiny pills into her coffee. But then he thought, "She's been so cold lately and these things are so small, maybe one's not enough?" So he slipped in another. Then he remembered the doctor said they were strong. "Hmm," he thought. "Maybe two is too many? I'd better put one in my coffee, just in case."

That night, in bed, wife rolled over, cuddled him and said, "Honey, tonight I need a man."

"Me, too!" he replied.

[TJrandom]

Paddy and Mick were two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slipped and his arm was caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly put the limb in a plastic bag and rushed it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy went to the hospital and asked after Mick. The nurse said, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there was Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he was back at work in the sawmill. A couple of days went by, and then Mick slipped again and severed his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy put the limb in a plastic bag and rushed it and Mick off to the hospital.

The next day he called in to see him and asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse replied, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there was Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

Very soon after that Mick came back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he had another accident; and this time he severed his head. Wearily Paddy put the head in a plastic bag and transported it and Mick to the hospital.

Next day he went in and asked the nurse how Mick was doing. The nurse broke down and cryed. "He's dead," she said. Paddy was shocked, but not all that surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"Oh No", said the nurse, "Some dopey son of a _____ put his head in a plastic bag - and he suffocated."

[TJrandom]

A man went into a bookstore and asked the young lady assistant. "Do you have the new book out for men with short penixes? I can't remember the title.

She replied, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."

[Seattlegirl]

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk how much it costs. “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill."

[Jakebullet]

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.

The English prisoner said, well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing??
The German replied, that vill not be a problem. A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, well, could drop it over England like you did last time?? that vill be done, says the German.

The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, well, okay, but could you do the same as before?
The German replies, why, ya. The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. well, begins the Brit, would you just…? The German snapped,No!
The Brit said please drop off my arm like you did my other one. The German snapped back again "Nein, Zat is impossible"

The Brit asked Why he was being so mean now!
And the German guard replied.
"Ve think you are trying to escape!!"

[TJrandom]

"Well, Ted," said Bob, "you're certainly moving up in the world. Now you play golf with not just one, but with two caddies?"

"Yes, it was my wife's idea," said Ted.

"Your wife’s idea? How's that?"

"She said I needed to spend more time with the kids!"

[TJrandom]

Ever wonder how the word Boob was invented?

Well, from the top - top view that is: B
And from the front view: oo
And the side view: b

So you put it all together and get B oo b, or simply Boob

Simple, really.......

[TJrandom]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[TJrandom]

A Native American elder, sat in his cabin eyeing two government officials who had been sent to interview him.

One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."

The elder nodded in agreement.

"Considering all these events," the official continued, "in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Native People were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty deer and buffalo. Plenty fish. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the elder leaned back and smiled before adding, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."

[TJrandom]

Mary Clancy went up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she was in tears.

"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" asked Father O'Grady.

"Oh, Father," she said, "I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary, that's terrible," said the priest. "Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father..."

"What did he ask, Mary?"

"He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun'!"

[TJrandom]

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She asked, 'What does that mean?'

He said, Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot'.

She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, and K?

He said-- I'm Just Kidding !!!

[TJrandom]

She said: "Let's go out tonight and have some fun."
He said: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on for me!"

He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said: They don't have time.

She said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
He said: They already have boyfriends.

She said: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said: A widow.

He said: Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[TJrandom]

Two married buddies were out drinking one night when one turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His buddy looked at him and said, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ___ and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

[TJrandom]

A priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the ____ was missing. He knew about the ____ fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in the church. During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a ____?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ____?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a ____ that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up!

"No, no, no. That wasn't what I meant. What I really mean is, has anybody seen MY ____?"

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

[TJrandom]

A guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "Got any specials today?"

"Yes, I do," replied the bartender. "It's a new drink invented by one of our customers who's a gynecologist. It's made from Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka."

The man looked confused. "I don't know about that combination. What do you call it?"

(Wait for it...)



"A "Pabst Smir!" said the bartender.

[biking]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
...TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir.. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

[TJrandom]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went back into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[TJrandom]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, a blond nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[TJrandom]

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor told them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asked.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asked.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she said.

Irritated, he said, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddled into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned from the kitchen and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[TJrandom]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[TJrandom]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, and obviously painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[biking]

#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working vacation
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works

[TJrandom]

A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved 4 year-old grandson. It was obvious to her that he had his hands full with the child who was screaming for sweets in the candy section, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soft drink in the other aisles.

As Granddad worked his way around, he said in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she heard the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror was throwing items out of the trolley, and Granddad said again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman went outside where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ........the little sh!t's name is Jim."

[TJrandom]

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I bedded a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

[TJrandom]

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”

Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

[TJrandom]

I found my dyslexic mate covering his ____ with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.

I said, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

[TJrandom]

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a little one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Obama is one.

Micky Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfield is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took three.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

....



The answer is: A last name. You didn't think this was a dirty joke, did you?