Humor

[TJrandom]

A couple went on safari in Africa, and her mother insisted on going along, too. During their first night in camp, the wife awakened and decided to check on her mother. To her dismay, her mother's tent was empty.

The wife rushed back to her tent, got her husband, and they started searching for the missing woman. When they found her, she was backed up against a huge boulder with a lion snarling right in front of her.

"Quick!" pleaded the wife to her husband. "Do something!"

"No way!" said her husband. "That lion got himself into this mess -- he can get himself out it!"

[biking]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a$$hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a$$hole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

[TJrandom]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' She replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

[TJrandom]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

[TJrandom]

After a two-year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.

1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!

[TJrandom]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs". The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 pounds a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 pounds a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour".

"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter".

[gailittle]

Man to miser: Why do you always remove the batteries from the clock and keep them outside?
Miser: I want to extend the battery life and hence I put them in the clock only when I want to see the time.

[nynapaj]

Q- What do the Japanese think where they get to their station and see that there is a delay due to suicide?

A- "Oh, yeah!! There will be a little more space tomorrow! "

[TJrandom]

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called his mobile phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have enough money at that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes I remember that, my Love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

[TJrandom]

A little Native American boy asked his father, the Big Chief of the tribe: "Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

"My son", replied his father, "Our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because, on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and of the life force of our people. It's really very simple and easy to understand.

"Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China?"

[ruserious]

Dog poetry:

Roses are grey
Violets are grey
...

[nynapaj]

Q- What do you call those people on the train that stand up for old folks and pregnant women?


A- Gaijin!

[nynapaj]

Q- How do you give a Japanese guy a headache?





A- Ask him to squint.

[Seattlegirl]

[nynapaj]

A gaijin was standing on the train and felt very hungry on his way to work. He had heard that is was frowned upon to eat on the train, but he was so hungry and he had no time to eat before work, so he pulled out a sandwich from his bag and started to eat it.

An old Japanese man was staring at him, looking a little annoyed. The gaijin looked back and, being the polite gaijin he was, asked, "Yes, sir? May I help you?"

The old Japanese man scolded him, "That is very rude. Eating on the train is not polite. You are a non-Japanese man, but this is Japan. You should behave like a Japanese man."

The gaijin did not argue and only said, "I understand. You're right." So he put his sandwich in his bag, knelt over and puked all over the floor.

[TJrandom]

A blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish."

"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing."

"There must be something you would like," said God.

"Well, there is one thing."

"Name it," said God.

She frowned. "It's those blond jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blonds everywhere. Can you stop them?"

"Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for you?"

"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth Your time," she said.

"Tell me, please!" said God.

"It's the M&M's," she said. "They're so hard to peel!"

[TJrandom]

An Irish woman took her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor and the doctor asked "Okay, Mrs. O'Flanagen, what's the problem?"

The mother said, "It's my daughter, Michelle. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.

"The doctor gave Michelle a good examination, then turned to the mother and said, - "Well, I don't know ...how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess.

"The mother said, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Michelle?"

Michelle said, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a Virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

About 5 minutes passed and finally the mother asked, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replied, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!!

[TJrandom]

A woman asked her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declined, saying: "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, some home made muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

Again, he declined, saying: "The Viagra, has really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she again asked if he wanted anything to eat: "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

But once again he declined, saying: "No, it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she said, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

[TJrandom]

At Any Given Moment;

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old fart is reading a joke thread.



You hang in there, Sunshine ......

[TJrandom]

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, found the red light district and entered a large brothel. The madam asked him to be seated and sent over a young lady to entertain him.

They sat and talked, frolicked a little, giggled a bit, drank a bit, and she sat on his lap. He then whispered in her ear and she gasped and ran away! Seeing this, the Madam sent over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

Again, they sat and talked, frolicked a little, giggled a bit, drank a bit, and she too sat on his lap. He whispered in her ear, and she, too, screamed, "No!" and walked quickly away.

The madam was surprised that this ordinary-looking man had asked for something so outrageous that her two girls would have nothing to do with him. She decided that only her most experienced lady, Lola, would do. Lola had never said no, and it was not likely anything would surprise her.

So the Madam sent her over to Hans. They sat, talked, frolicked, giggled, and drank a bit, and then she too sat on his lap. He whispered in her ear and she too screamed, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she could and left him sitting there.

The Madam was by now absolutely intrigued, have seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hadn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she was sure that at one time or another, she had said to yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just had to find out what this man wanted that had made her girls so angry. Besides, she saw it as a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she went over to Hans and said that she's the best in the house and is available. She sat and talked with him. They frolicked, giggled, had a drink and then finally, she too sat in his lap. And then … Hans leaned forward and whispered in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[TJrandom]

A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless.

When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened. The man explained and the zookeeper said, "I'm not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "Fuxk you."

The man vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla's cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage.

Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat. The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on. Then the man picked up his horn and blew it.

The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.

The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!

[TJrandom]

A daughter brought her new boyfriend home from college. The young man said to her father, "Sir, I realise it's merely a formality, but I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

Dad looked surprised. "And where did you get the idea that this was just a formality?"

"From our Lamaze instructor!"

[YokohamaTommy]

How does one capture a unique rabbit?





















Unique up on it.

[YokohamaTommy]

with a bear trap
wait for it.....

The secret of keeping a addlepate in a suspenseful mode;





...I shall enlighten you come the morn.

[TJrandom]

A blond went into a resort message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blond promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blond did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered.

"Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[Seattlegirl]

Just say no to crack.

[YokohamaTommy]

Little known fact:
Bruce Lee had a love child prior to the marriage with his wife.

The mother was a Native American Indian.







They named him "Ug Lee."

[TJrandom]

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but if done every day it can be harmful.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try to do f***ing in bed because it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level.

So, Remember,

Fasting is good for your health!

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and work on those abs!

[Seattlegirl]

[oxymoron]

Dad & Dave (his son) are traditional Aussie farmers, living in the bush. Amongst other things they breed ducks.
It was the local agricultural show time, so Dad told Dave to take one of their ducks to the show. Dave took the duck and his girlfriend, Mabel, to show the bird.

The duck was a huge hit! It was so good, the judges awarded it first AND second prize!

On the drive back to the farm, Dave was feeling on top of the world and said to Mabel, "Its been a ripper of a day, Mabel, how about we stop the car and have a quickie in the back seat?".
Mabel thought about this for a while and then replied, "I'm not sure, Dave, its a bit hot". Dave said," Mabel, if you let me have a quickie, I'll give you the prize duck."

Mabel, being a bit astute, thought that the duck for a fcuk was a good deal, and agreed.
A bit later on, during the drive, Mabel started feeling horny, because Dave hadn't satisfied her, so she said to Dave,"I'd like another quickie, Dave". He replied,"Nah. We have to get home, we don't have time." Mabel, always being the faster thinker of the pair, said,"Dave, if we have another quickie, I'll give you the duck back.".

Dave realized that, if he got home witout the duck, Dad would belt him, so he agreed.
When they got home, Dad asked how the duck went in the show.

Dave replied,"It was really great, Dad. I got a first for the duck, a second for the duck. A fcuk for the duck. The duck for a fcuk. And I've still got the fcukin' duck!"

[oxymoron]

Definition of a Kiwi (New Zealander).
"Living proof that Poms (Englishmen) fcuk sheep."

Why does NZ have a low crime rate?
Coz most of their criminals are in Aussie prisons.

What's the difference between a Kiwi and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Why is some Aussie beer called XXXX.
Coz they can't spell beer.
(token Aussie joke)

[TJrandom]

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....


NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN.

[Seattlegirl]

Beats the crap out of janken.

[Andun]

What's the favorite porn category for Aussie men?

SHILF

[TJrandom]

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,
"I think those teenaged boys in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well, they wrote on the window "stit ruoy su wohs".

[TJrandom]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "there are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "there are no fish under the ice!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "there are no fish under the ice!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "is that you lord?"

The voice replied, "no, this is the manager of the hockey rink!"

[edin日本]

[YokohamaTommy]

You are truly awesome sir.

[edin日本]

You are truly awesome sir.

Like the ending?

[YokohamaTommy]

Like the ending?

ah shore d-d-d-d did!