Humor

[TJrandom]

Please use this Humor thread to share your favorite jokes.

One suggestion – please title your individual posts so that over time we will remember having read a joke without re-reading it.

[TJrandom]

a little old lady was walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags. One bag had a hole in it and $20 bills were flying out of it.

a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, you're losing a lot of bills from that bag."

"Darnd!" she said, "Thanks for the warning. I'll go back and pick them up."

"Hold on there! Where'd all that money come from? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," she said. "My yard backs up on the stadium parking lot and, during tailgate parties, a lot of guys use my flower beds as bathrooms. So I stand behind a bush with my electric hedge clipper and when one is in mid-stream, I fire up the trimmer and say: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Wow. Good idea!" laughed the cop. "But what's in the other bag?"

"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up!"

[TJrandom]

a man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'Oh, it is my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[TJrandom]

a man finished his meal at a restaurant and left his tip: three pennies.
As he walked out, his waitress mumbled, loud enough for him to hear, "You can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man spun around, and asked, "Really? What exactly does my tip say to you?"

"Well," she replied, "this first penny says you're a thrifty man."

Barely concealing his pride, the man said, "True enough."

She continued, "And this second penny tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised, he said, "Well, yes, I am."

"And this third penny tells me that your father was, too!"

[TJrandom]

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the outhouse, collapsed there on the seat,
a startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any man,
The Coroner he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of rattlesnakes quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the outhouse over it - a real smart move I thought -
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the outhouse, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The outhouse was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash -
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

[TJrandom]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!'

[TJrandom]

a man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. a few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

[TJrandom]

a blond gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.

She rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy Mommy, Aunt Shirley is hiding in the closet & she has no clothes on"

The blond slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. She rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You inconsiderate louse', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[TJrandom]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...



So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!)

[TJrandom]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[TJrandom]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!

He really, really had to go, after all those Guinness’s. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie. "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. He sees manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir," the Bobby replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."

[TJrandom]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, so she takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[TJrandom]

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, yah sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade yah to give me a piece of axs?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what yah just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Alabamuh we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble yah for a piece uh axs for mah drink."

[TJrandom]

Three men sat stiffly side-by-side on a commercial airliner.

Finally, the man near the window broke the silence. "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

The man in the aisle seat responded, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both attorneys."

The man in the middle looked at them both with a twinkle in his eye. "Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals!"

[Travlrsong]

What's in a Name?


One Fall day, a young Sioux boy asked the old chief, "Great Chief Dancing Bear, you're the one who names each of us. How do you choose who gets what name?"

The Chief replied, "Well, look at your sister Running Deer over there. I was in the teepee where she was born, as I am for all of you. When at last she arrived and cried that first cry, I opened the door of the teepee and the first thing I saw was a running deer. So I named her Running Deer. And look! There goes your cousin, White Cloud. I was present at his birth too. When he was born, I opened the teepee door and the first thing I noticed was one solitary white cloud in the sky. So I named him White Cloud. Oh, and there's young Winter's Snow... Wait. Why do you want to know, Two Dogs Fcking?"

[TJrandom]

Sarah was excited about her new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. She stepped outside and spotted a small black bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on her shoulder, and she turned around to see a big black bear.

The big bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, she decided to accept the latter alternative. So the big black bear had his way with Sarah.

Even though she felt sore for weeks, she recovered and vowed revenge. She headed out on another hunting trip where she found that big black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on her shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to her. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Sarah. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices - either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Sarah thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with her.

Although she survived, it took several months before she fully recovered. Now Sarah was completely outraged, so she headed back to the mountains and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. She felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at her and said, "Admit it, Sarah, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[TJrandom]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Phil to see about enlarging her breasts.
Dr Phil told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies'."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late for work, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the aisle and started chanting "Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Phil's by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory, dickory, dock ... "

[starbucks]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and continue up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[TJrandom]

Two sweet little old ladies, Annie and Sarah, were walking through a museum when they got separated.

When they found each other, Annie said, "My, oh my, Sarah! Did you see the statue of that naked man back there?"

"Yes, I did," replied Sarah. "I was shocked. How can they display such a thing? The genitalia were huge!"

"Yes. And cold, too!" Annie replied.

[TJrandom]

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theatre."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge?

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too", said Mildred, “but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"

[steki47]

A Chinese husband and wife go to the doctor and tell him they want to have a baby. The doctor says, "Great! Why do you need my help?". The husband says, "We want to have a special baby. We want a blond-haired, blue-eyed baby." So the doctor says, "Sorry, but two Wongs don't make a white."

[nynapaj]

Somewhere in the USA...
A man goes to the doctor and asks, "What can I do to be healthy and live longer? I have heard that changing my diet might help. Is that true?"
The doctor says, "Well, Italians drink lots of wine and they are healthier than Americans, but the Chinese drink very little wine and and they are healthier than Americans. The Japanese eat lots of fish and they are healthier than Americans, but Mexicans eat very little fish and they are healthier than Americans. Koreans eat lots of food that has low fat content and they are healthier than Americans, but Germans eat food that has a lot of fat and they are healthier than Americans."
The man says, "I don't get it. Should I change my diet or not?
The doctor answers, "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you eat. Speaking English is bad for your health."

[speedboat]

A dwarf, an elf and a hobbit walk into a bar...you think one of them would have seen it!

[Hijinx]

Why do people in Yokohama put their trash out in clear plastic bags?




So the folks in Kawasaki can go window shopping.

[nynapaj]

An old couple are sitting on their porch when the wife looks at her husband and smacks him on his leg as hard as she can.
"Ouch!!" he says. "What was that for?"
"That's for 41 years of horribly boring sex!"
He falls silent and they resume looking at the view for a few minutes. Then the husband looks at his wife and hits her on her leg as hard as he can.
"Ouch!" she cries. "What was THAT for?"
"That was for knowing the difference!"

[Hijinx]

Did you hear about the couple from Sapporo who froze to death at the drive-in theater?


They went to see: Closed for the Winter.

[nynapaj]

Q- How many eikaiwa teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A- Wow! That's a fascinating question. What do you think?

[TJrandom]

An English teacher wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing." on the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

[TJrandom]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'.

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!

[~Murasaki~]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...



So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!)

That was excellent.

[nynapaj]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The jerk had all quarters!'

[TJrandom]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and mad at the same time."

She said: "O.K., out of all your friends, you have the biggest pxnis."

[TJrandom]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but..

I think they misunderstood me when I said, I wanna watch.

[TJrandom]

A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[TJrandom]

George and his dad were out fishing one day when George pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches he asked his dad for a light.

"Sure," said his dad. "I think I have a lighter." Then, reaching into his tackle box he pulled out a Bic lighter 10-inches long.

"Jimminy Cricket!" exclaimed George, taking the huge Big lighter in his hands. "Where did you get that monster?" he asked.

"Well," replied his dad, "I got it from my Genie."

"You have a Genie in your tackle box?" asked George.

"Yep, it's right here in my tackle box," said his dad.

"Could I see him?" asked George.

So his dad opened his tackle box and, sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, George says, "I'm the son of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So George asks for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving George sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks George yells to his dad, "Jumpin' Jimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

"I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing," yells back George's dad.

"You don't think I really asked for a 10-inch Bic, do you?"

[TJrandom]

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day, and because of an administrative mix-up, the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. However, the clerk explains it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified.

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix-up," apologizes the Pope.

"No problem," replies Tiger Woods.

The Pope says, "I am really anxious to get to heaven!"

Tiger asks, "Why is that?"

The Pope replies, "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary!"

Tiger says, "Sorry, you're a day late!"

[TJrandom]

A guy walks into a bar in the backwoods of a southern state and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar... "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[nynapaj]

Two female coworkers, Jane and Sarah, are eating lunch together...

Jane- You know Tom in the accounting department?

Sarah- Yeah.

Jane- I think he is interested in me.

Sarah- Why?

Jane- Well, lately, when he passes by my desk, he taps me on the shoulder to get my attention and when I look back, he smiles and says, "Hi, Jane!" What do you think?

Sarah- Well, you know, Douglas does the same thing to me all the time, and he's gay. It sounds to me like Tom is just being friendly. Is that all he does?

Jane- Well, when he taps me on the shoulder, he usually does it with his d!ck.

[Kaonashi]

Old Jews Telling Jokes

[nynapaj]

Q- What do you say when it's cold in Japan?
A- "It's nippy!"