Humor

[TJrandom]

Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late.

"Sorry I'm late, teacher," he said, "but I didn't get my f**king breakfast."

"Johnny, we don't use language like that in school!" said his teacher. "Go stand in the corner!"

She then continued the geography lesson.

"Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?" she asked.

No hand went up except Little Johnny's.

The teacher ignored him and asked again.

Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny.

"He's in bed with my Mum," he replied, "and that's why I didn't get any f**king breakfast!"

[nynapaj]

Q- What is the difference between a woman and cancer??



A- It's possible to win a battle against cancer!

[TJrandom]

Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months, my wife became very agitated with me. She suggested I go and do something to occupy my time, like join a Club or get a hobby.

I obliged and went out for a couple of hours..

When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club. "

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"You crazy old man, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[TJrandom]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said,

"Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,

"Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded,

"Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied,

"Who said they were women?"

[TJrandom]

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, "I t'ink its time!"

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, "Hey, Ole! You yust had a son! Ain't dat great!"

Vell, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and he said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"

The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, "Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!" She's a pretty little ting, too...."

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Holey Moley, Ole, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Ole, you yust had youself another boy!"

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and the their t'ree children home in the self-propelled combine.

He was real serious and he asked Lena, "How come we got t'ree on the first try?"

Lena said, "You remember dat night we ran out of K-Vy Yelly and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere
3-in-1 Oil?"

Ole said, "Yeah, I do. Uffda!, it's a dam good t'ing I didn't get the WD-40!

[speedboat]

Coming to a city near you this Summer...

[nynapaj]

Q- What is the difference between terrorists and mother-in-laws?




A- Sometimes, you can negotiate with the terrorists!

--------

Q- What part of a man is big when he is single, medium sized when he is married and small when his wife divorces him??




A- His wallet!!

----------

Q- How much money does it take to make a woman happy??



A- It depends on which store she is in at the time.

[TJrandom]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big dept store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewellery dept where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[TJrandom]

The ship was sinking fast and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.

They decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but all their matches were wet and they had no way to light their cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a cigarette overboard.

This worked well. They were able to smoke, because ...... the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.

[TJrandom]

Richard (Disk) Cheney went on a state visit to Israel ... While he was on a tour in Jerusalem he suffered a massive heart attack and passed away.

The undertaker told the State Department Diplomats who were accompanying him, 'You can have him shipped home for $5,000,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.'

The Diplomats went into a corner to discuss this for a minute. They come back to the undertaker and told him they want him shipped home.

The undertaker was puzzled and asked, 'Why will you spend $5,000,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful for him to be buried here and you would spend only $100? Why, with the money you would save you could help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the war effort, or if all else fails, you could help the elderly'.

The Diplomats replied, 'A long ago a man died here, he was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

[nynapaj]

Q- How many disease-free gay men does it take to change a light bulb?



A- Just one... But finding him is the hard part!

[TJrandom]

Little Billy asked his dad for a TV in his room and his dad reluctantly agreed. The next day Billy came downstairs and asked, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Billy’s dad looked horrified and told Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

After a while, his dad asked: 'So what were you watching?'

And Billy said: 'Wimbledon.'

[TJrandom]

A woman stood nude in front of a mirror and said to her husband, “I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.”

To which he replied: “Your eyesight is perfect.”

No sex tonight.


A woman got naked and asked hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”

To which he replied: “Your sense of humour!”

No sex tonight.

[TJrandom]

A police officer stopped a blond for speeding and asked her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff: “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

[TJrandom]

A blond out for a walk came to a river and ssw another blond on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouted, “How can I get to the other side?”

The second blond looked up the river then down the river and shouted back: “You ARE on the other side.”

[TJrandom]

A gorgeous young redhead went to the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' said the doctor.. 'Please show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

To which the doctor said: “You're not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I'm actually a blond.”

“I thought so,” said the doctor, “Your finger is broken.”

[TJrandom]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'.

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing... Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted!

[TJrandom]

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!"

[nynapaj]

Why do women want to meet their "Prince Charming"?

Because he's FU*KIN' RICH!!!

[TJrandom]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor?

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? ... What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

"With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and silver a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!

"But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!"

[TJrandom]

On their way to getting married, a young couple was killed in car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. And while waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him, and St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. But as they waited, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what would be the eternal aspect of it all. That is, 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

[TJrandom]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you can swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[gankoba]

Three guys, a Japanese, an American, and a Polish guy are blind folded in front of a firing squad.
Just as they are about to shoot the Japanese guy, he yells "Typhoon!! Typhoon!!" the guards look, and he runs away.
Next it's the American's turn, just as they are about to shoot, he yells "Tornado! Tornado!!" the guards look, and he runs away.
Last is the Polish guy. Just as they are about to shoot he yells "Fire! Fire!!"

[TJrandom]

(Sorry - this is not quite a joke, but then it is rather funny...)

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident….:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.

A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9 I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian

[TJrandom]

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[metalli-kurisu]

Quick one in somewhat bad taste:

Q: What do you call a black gentleman's laugh?

A: A sn!gger.

[TJrandom]

The teacher asked an blond to use "handsome" in a sentence.

To which she replied, "Sometimes when I'm suckin' on my boy friend's big ____, my jaws'll get tired so I'll use my handsome."

Kinda brings a tear to ya eye, don'cha know .....

[TJrandom]

A blond tourist was on holiday and driving through Darwin, Australia. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile boots, but was reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, she shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodiles, so I can get a pair of boots for free."

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

So off she headed for the river, determined to catch a crocodile.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and pulled over to the side of the river bank where he saw the same woman standing waist deep in murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, a huge three-meter croc swam rapidly toward her, but with lightning speed, she took aim, killed the croc and haulled it onto the slimy banks of the river.

Lying nearby were 7 more dead crocs, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement, and as he watched, she struggled and flipped the most recently demised croc onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouted: shxt! shxt! shxt! This one's barefoot, too!"

[theyoshi]

it's halloween and all kids love to dress up,
a little girl with only one leg asks her mother: "mom this can i dress up as a ballerina?"
and the mother sais: "why dear, you don't like the popsicle costume anymore?"

[nynapaj]

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed!'

[TJrandom]

A nasty and sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar went dead silent, as everyone tried to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. After she completed the drink, she again turned and pointed at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the second drink, the bartender approached the little drunk and said, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[TJrandom]

A drunk walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $57.00 who then said "I haven't got it."

The bartender slapped the guy around a few times and threw him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walked into the bar and once again said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

Figuring that the drunk couldn’t be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, the bartender gave him the benefit of the doubt and poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $67.00, and was told "I haven't got it."

Again the bartender picked the guy up, beat the living daylights out of him and threw him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me the bill."

Not about to get taken again, the bartender asked sarcastically, "What, no drink for me this time?"

To which the drunk replied, "For you? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

[TJrandom]

A young pastor who normally rode a bike was walking despondently down the street when he came upon an older more experienced pastor.

The older pastor could see his young friend was troubled deeply. "What is bothering you my son?" he asked.

"Well it appears a member of my congregation has stolen my bike" he replied.

The elder said, "If I may give you some advice you might get your bike back. Next Sunday preach on the 10 Commandments and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal', really emphasize it."

Well the next week they met again and the young pastor was once again riding his bike.

"Well " said the older one, "I see my advice worked."

"Yes" the young pastor replied, "I took your advice and preached on the 10 Commandments and when I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I'd left my bike."

[TJrandom]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penixs and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penixs".

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day".

[TJrandom]

Bob and Phil were talking during lunch near the nuclear test facility where they worked.

Bob asked, "So, Phil, if the worst happens and there's a nuclear holocaust, and you know the world is going to end, what's the first thing you'd do?"

"I'd screw the first thing that moves," replied Phil. "How about you?"

Bob said, "I guess I'd sit real still!"

[TJrandom]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Retirement village. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied... 'Parkinson's.'

[TJrandom]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fuxking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck

[TJrandom]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....





I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...





My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes..'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...





I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the rump steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....





My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust'

And then the fight started..





My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...





My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said,

'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...





I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[nynapaj]

Similar starting as above...
Guy friends are using the urinals in a bar bathroom and one sees a sticker on the other's pen!s.
He says's, "John, what's that on your little friend?"
John says, "A nicotine patch."

His friends says, "But your not trying to quit smoking are you?"
John says, "No, not at all... but my wife is!"

[xyz]

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."



At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."



The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"



A lady inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."