Humor

[xyz]

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.



"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss.". The husband takes the doctor's advice.



He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong ... And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"



His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."

[nynapaj]

Doctors that perform sex change operations have created a way to give their patients a more realistic female experience. This allows the men and women around them to be more convinced that they are women.
It is very simple, but studies show that it is effective.
Week 1- Take 1 hormone pill daily.
Week 2- Take 1 hormone pill daily.
Week 3- Take 2 hormone pills daily.
Week 4- Don't take any hormone pills.

The resultant mood swings are erratic behavior has been shown to be convincing to the general population.

[TJrandom]

Before he left on a business trip, a father took his young son aside.

"Billy, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house."

Comprehending the gravity of the situation, Billy replied soberly, "In that case, I'm gonna need the remote."

[TJrandom]

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office, plunked down into a chair, and let out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me about it."

"Well, we were on the fifth tee ... and this hole is a monster, Mother, 540-yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. And I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh, my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate. But sure that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister."

"No, it didn't," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway."

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme," sympathized the Mother.

"But it didn't, Mother," sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself. and while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel and flew off ... with my ball still clutched in his paws."

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile."

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup."

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, "JESUS H. CHRIST! YOU MISSED AN 18-INCH PUTT?!!"

[nynapaj]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their
foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with
tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently
revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into
the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to
see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut
shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is
there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with
technical advice.

[TJrandom]

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The Scotsman dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.

So the Scotsman did.

The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

[TJrandom]

A man woke up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looked in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Bear Removers". He called the number and the bear remover said he'll be over in 30 minutes. When the Bear Remover arrived and got out of his van and unloaded a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" asked the homeowner.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles in his teeth and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asked the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[TJrandom]

A blond decided that she was sick and tired of all the blond jokes and how all blonds are perceived as stupid. She decided to show her husband that blonds really are smart.

While her husband was off at work, she decided to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand.

Her husband returned home at 5:30 and smelled the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room and found his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. Going over to her, he asked her if she was OK.

She replied yes.

He asked what she is doing and she replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blond women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He asked her why she had a parka over her leather jacket.

She replied that she read the directions on the paint can and it Said..."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[nynapaj]

Let's get a few one liners in here!

- Last night, I was so tired, I dreamed that I slept 4 more hours!

[TJrandom]

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly on a broomstick. We are flexible like that.

[TJrandom]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador dog.

"Fack off!", says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[TJrandom]

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup The Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

[TJrandom]

The preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, a man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "What do you want me to pray about for you?"

He replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in his ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed very hard for him, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Well, how is your hearing now?"

The man answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

[TJrandom]

A man recently went into his proctologist's office for his annual rectal exam.

The doctor's new nurse, a stunning blond, took him to the examining room and told him to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see him. She said the doctor would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown the nurse gave him, he sat down. While waiting, he noticed three items on stand next to the examination table: a tube of K-Y Jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is not my first exam, so I know the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but would please tell me what the beer is for?"

The doctor became noticeably upset, stormed over to the door, flung it open and yelled to his new nurse, "Dammit, Elaine! I said I need a BUTT LIGHT!"

[TJrandom]

A cow an ant and an old fart are debating who is the greatest one among the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 50 litres of milk every day, and that's why I'm the greatest!"

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"




















Why are scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

[TJrandom]

-Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
-A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
-A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tyred.
-What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away).
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-Every calendar's days are numbered.
-A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
-Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Seattlegirl]

Puns for those with a higher IQ.

LOL thanks for the laugh!! I have actually used two of these in my signature in various forums, including this one. Most were new to me. Nice!

[TJrandom]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits," the boy replied.

I can't tell you how proud I was of my grandson at that moment.

[TJrandom]

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[TJrandom]

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased, but he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

Neither do I; I didn't get one either ...

[TJrandom]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

[TJrandom]

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a _____!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a _____ fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a _____!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a _____ I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a _____. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a _____!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a _____ I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a _____ fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a _____?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a _____ for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a _____," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a _____ for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a _____ Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a _____ can be the main course!" "Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a _____."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a _____!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a _____!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a _____ using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You Fucxkers are my kind of people!"

[kirinclassic]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I like that one a lot!

Cheers,

KC

[Seattlegirl]

Enjoy your coffee!

http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_f..._150404_01.swf

[TJrandom]

Enjoy your coffee!

Up to your normal monkey business I see....

[Seattlegirl]

Up to your normal monkey business I see....

[Seattlegirl]

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the
International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your Kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

[TJrandom]

...

ROTFLMAF... Hey there - thanks for joining the club.

[TJrandom]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.'

St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.'

St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tanya sticks her arse in it.'

[TJrandom]

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute. A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penxis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until he finally looked up. "I'm afraid this is quite serious. You know how boxers get cauliflower ear?"

"Yeah," said his patient.

"Well," the doctor said, "it seems you've developed a brothel sprout!"

[nynapaj]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chris tmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a similar pair.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[TJrandom]

John was a salesman's delight when it came any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up getting him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him of his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We all watched a tape call 'Sex Queen'."

"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her.

[TJrandom]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and, one night, he did a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blond jokes.

Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and shouted, "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, and the blond yelled, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shixt on your lap!"

[nynapaj]

The paper delivery boy, Billy, was on his last day of work. He had been doing the job since he was 12 and he was getting ready to go off to college in only a few weeks. Everyone on his route knew him well and had watched him grow up and they all were happy that he would be starting college life soon.

On his last day, everyone gave him a small gift- most gave him money, a few made him cookies, and one even got him a nice sweater. Finally, he went up the the Davis home and Mrs. Davis opened the door to greet him.

She was a very attractive blonde woman in her early 30s and she invited him in.

Without saying a word she took him into the bedroom. Billy didn't know what it was about, nor did he care, but he just went along with it and followed her lead. The next 45 minutes were the best sex of Billy's life and he was totally amazed.

He wanted to know why she was doing it, but he didn't want to spoil a good thing by asking.
After they finished, she told him to take a shower and go to the kitchen afterward.

When he got to the kitchen, he found a great breakfast waiting for him- pancakes, eggs, toast, fresh fruit, all delicious. After he ate, she kissed him and said, "You are probably tired by now" with a smile. She poured him a cup of coffee, and he noticed that there was a dollar bill under the sugar jar. As he drank the coffee he said, "This is all amazing, I don't know what to say. I know it might seem rude, but I have to ask; Why all this just for me?"

She said, "Well, I told my husband last night that today is your last day and I asked if he wanted to give you something."



Billy, with surprise asked, "And... what did he say?"




"He said, 'F*ck him! Give him a dollar.' ... The breakfast is from me."

[nynapaj]

A man is driving in the country side when his car brakes down. He goes to the nearest house and explains the situation, and he asks what the address is, so he can tell the tow truck when he calls them.
After he calls the tow truck, the family invites him to stay in the house while he waits. As they are making light conversation, a three legged pig walks into the kitchen.
The man can't help but notice, "Oh, you have a pet pig that you keep indoors?"
The father says, "Yeah, that there is a brave pig, I tell you.
"See my boy over there, stupid little Jimmy, get's it from his mama.
"Well, last year, Jimmy lit the damn barn on fire.
"Now I was in town, and mama was in the house and no one knew he just started a fire. That could have killed my boy.
"But that pig there... that pig ran into the barn and pulled Jimmy out. Then the pig ran to the house to get mama, and she called the fire department.

"If it were not for that pig, Jimmy would be dead right now!

"I tell you, that is one brave pig!!

"That's why we keep him here inside; to thank him for saving our boy. Brave pig, he is."

The man asks, "So, is that how the pig lost his leg? In the fire?"

"Oh, not at all. Not related to the fire one bit."

"So, what happened to his leg?"

The father says, "Well... a brave pig like that... ya know... you can't eat all at once."

[TJrandom]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: “HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.”

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[TJrandom]

Todd and Jill had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter what Todd tried to say or do, Jill refused to compromise, or to even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Todd said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."

Jill replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

[TJrandom]

A man was in his front yard mowing the lawn when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! "My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL' and there's nothing in the mailbox!"

[Seattlegirl]

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an a$shole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him!

[TJrandom]

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an a$shole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him!

A vagina has a sad life. She gets screwed regularly, her neighbor is an a$shole, her best friend is a dickhead and her owner abuses her!