Humor

[TJrandom]

At St. Peters Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

[TJrandom]

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered ""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Wales, and certain parts of Derbyshire.

[TJrandom]

A professor at Auburn University in the U.S. was invited to give a lecture on Paranormal Studies to a class at New Zealand's University of Otago.

To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 student raised their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm very glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raised their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raised their hands.

"That's fantastic! Now, let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back of the audience, Brian raised his hand.

The professor took off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

Brian replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the podium, the professor said, "So, Brian, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Brian replied, "Oh, shxt! From way back there I thought you said goat.”

[TJrandom]

A wife picked up her husband at the airport, fresh from a tour in Afghanistan.

They stopped at the first motel they found leaving the airport.

After hours of fun, they finally fell deep into an exhausted sleep.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Oh, no!" cried the soldier, "I bet that's your husband."

His sleepy wife responded, "Don't be silly. He's in Afghanistan."

[TJrandom]

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.

The Queen replied, "Wear a seatbelt and don't ____ me off!"

[TJrandom]

A priest died and was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him was a guy who was dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addressed this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replied, 'I'm Jack, a retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consulted his list. He smiled and said to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot went into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, was the priest's turn. He stood erect and boomed out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consulted his list and said to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' said the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' said Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

[TJrandom]

A little boy was standing on the footpath with his right hand in his pocket and a loaf of bread in his left hand.

The preacher walked by and said, "Hi, Johnny. I see you have the 'staff of life' in your hand. What's in your other hand?"

"This loaf of bread!", replied little Johnny.

[TJrandom]

A Mafia Godfather found out that his bookkeeper, Guido, over the many years he had worked for him had cheated him out of ten million dollars. It was assumed that because Guido is deaf, that he would hear nothing and would never have to testify in court, and this was the reason he got the job in the first place.

When the Godfather went to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he took along a lawyer who knew sign language. The Godfather told the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asked Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signed back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer told the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to Guido's head and said, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signed to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembled and signed back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin's Bruno's house."

The Godfather asked the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replied, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[TJrandom]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family… An old Italian man was dying, so he called his grandson to his bedside: “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’“?

[Seattlegirl]

SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering yet another great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough; three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough, plus one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Shonai Ben]

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch peniss, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch peniss, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!

[TJrandom]

How fast can you guess these words:

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM










------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer’s. You are just a pervert.

[TJrandom]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[TJrandom]

The psychic gazed at her Tarot cards and delivered the bad news: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's just no easy way to say this: prepare to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent, horrible death within the year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths, composed herself and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

[TJrandom]

A man on trial for selling drugs had a neighbor who was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

"No, sir," answered the man.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" asked the attorney.

"No, sir." "Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

"Uh, excuse me, sir," the witness said, "but we are still talking about drugs, right?"

[TJrandom]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer saw a car puttering along at 22mph. He said to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he put on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed there were five old ladies in the vehicle -- two in the front seat and three in the back – and all but the driver were wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said: "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?", said the surprised driver. "No, sir. I was doing the speed limit exactly - 22 miles an hour," the old woman said a bit proudly.

The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grined and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I let you go, Ma'am", said the officer, "I have to ask: Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer," replied the driver. "We just got off Highway 189."

[TJrandom]

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's _____. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my _____ in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here..’

[TJrandom]

In the year 2222 and Charlie and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flyer miles.

They meet a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asked Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian striped. He's had only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' said Maureen.

'Why?' he asked. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replied, 'it's just not long enough to reach into me!'

'No problem,' he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long.

'Well,' she said, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaimed, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoined their other partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asked, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' said Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replied. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

[TJrandom]

Does Wine make you Fat?

No. Wine does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN...
...
...

Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

[TJrandom]

I went to the doctor's office the other day and met my new doctor - a very pretty brunet.

I was obviously embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."

I said "My wife thinks my ____ tastes funny."

[TJrandom]

Jack had a blind date with Jill to the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, Jill, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," replied Jill.

"Never made love? You mean you're a virgin?" Jack was amazed.

"No, silly," she giggled. "I’ve never objected!"

[TJrandom]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. … I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!



Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. … I woke this morning with a huge correction.


I was at work yesterday when a female colleague asked me what my ring tone was. … I said "bright gold like everyone else's".


The wife suggested I get myself one of those _____ enlargers ... so I did .... She’s 21 and a stunner.


Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. … It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

[John Grey]

A child molester walks into a forest with a little girl at his hand. They walk in deeper and deeper, it gets darker and darker.

Says the little girl: "I am getting scared...."

Says the child molester: "You are getting scared? What am I supposed to say? I will have to walk back through that dark forest all by myself!"

[TJrandom]

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter, he beeped his car's horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him.

"I did that by accident," he explained.

"I know that, daddy," his daughter replied.

"How'd you know?" he asked.

"Because you didn't say 'ARSEHOLE!' afterwards!"

[TJrandom]

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either," said the man.

"Well then," said the doctor, "what the hell do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

[TJrandom]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

[TJrandom]

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive.

The Science teacher then asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!"

[TJrandom]

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption.

One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

To which her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[TJrandom]

Two thirty-something women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."

"Oh, that's nothing," responded her friend. "I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached."

"Whoa!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde."

[TJrandom]

An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looked at the old man and asked his age.

"I'm 90 years old," he said.

"Ninety!" replied the woman. "Don't you realise you've had it?"

"I HAVE?," asked the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

[John Grey]

A visitor in a zoo asks the guard: "This laughing hyena here... how does it live?"

"Well, it sleeps once a day, it once a week and it has sex once a year...."

"Then why is it laughing?"

[TokyoTommy]

A bit of an old and silly one, but I still like it;

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of new Clarks shoes. 'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.

'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.

'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

[John Grey]

Mr and Mrs Reagan go for dinner. Mrs Reagan orders the wine and a steak medium done....
Asks the waiter: "And the vegetable?"
"Oh... he will eat the same..."

[TJrandom]

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress by abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "no" for an answer. A man who could tell me what he wanted. A man who could look into my soul and say:

"Okay, ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[TJrandom]

A high school boy came from school and told his mum, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh, God! Go to your room! And just wait until your father gets home!" said the boy's mother.

When dad did get home, mom couldn’t tell him the sordid story; instead she told him to ask the boy.

Dad headed upstairs and asked his son why Mum was so mad.

"All I said was: I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Wow, son! That's my boy! Ya know, son, women don't think about these things like men do. But I'm proud of you. Ya know what? I'm gonna take you out and buy you that motorcycle you've been wanting!"

The Dad did just that and, as they prepared to leave the Harley dealership, the dad turned to his son and said, "Do you want to ride it home, son?"

The boy replied, "Nah. My a_s is still sore!

[TJrandom]

A pirate walks into his local bar following several months at sea and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What the hell happened? You look terrible! "

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"Well, What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh!t in my eye."

"You're kidding me," said the bartender.

"You couldn't have lost an eye just from bird sh!t."

"Yeah...well, it was my first day with the hook."

[TJrandom]

The hillbilly couple mortgaged their farm so their daughter could go to college.

Now, driving her from the bus station on her first visit home, the father was disturbed when his daughter whispered, "Paw, I have a confession to make: I ain't a virgin no more."

The old man shook his head sadly.

"After all the sacrifices Maw and I made to give you an education and you still say 'ain't'!"

[TJrandom]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little ____. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh ____, we're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian people, 2011.'

[TJrandom]

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed tight against a gorgeous blond in a low cut and very revealing dress.

As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blond suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to grab!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway through the lobby when he choked out, "But, I didn't touch that woman."

"Of course you didn't," said Mrs. Wilson. "I did!"

[TJrandom]

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. At the main desk I was asked to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form which needed to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She snickered and said, "Those are rather silly names for products and one of them sounds a little crude."

I was so upset by her comments, I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.