Humor

[TJrandom]

At a local college dance in Sweden, an American asked a local girl to dance. While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze, and whispered, "In America, we call this a hug."

She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a hug, too."

A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek. "In America, we call this a kiss."

She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a kiss, too."

A few drinks later, they moved out to the campus lawn and had sex.

"In America," he told her, "we call this a grass sandwich."

She replied, "Yaaah, in Sveden ve call dis a grass sandwich, too, but ve put more meat in it!"

[TJrandom]

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’

Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents...

[TJrandom]

Naughty Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,

'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job".

[TJrandom]

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

[alibaba]

Just got back to Japan after having travelled and lived in other Asian countries. I have taught in China, Cambodia and Taiwan.
I went to a job interview, looking for a part time job at your run of the mill eikaiwa. The school shall remain unnamed. The "interviewer" looked as though he'd had about a month's experience of teaching. "So, what have you been doing?" he asked me. He had my resume in front of him and I was thinking "just look at my f_____ resume, it's right there in front of you." I went on to explain that I'd also taken a TESOL course. He looked at me blankly and said "huh? what's that?" Japan is saturated with these moronic "teachers" who can't teach s__. What sad times we live in.

[Call_It_Like_Eye_See_It]

Just got back to Japan after having travelled and lived in other Asian countries. I have taught in China, Cambodia and Taiwan.
I went to a job interview, looking for a part time job at your run of the mill eikaiwa. The school shall remain unnamed. The "interviewer" looked as though he'd had about a month's experience of teaching. "So, what have you been doing?" he asked me. He had my resume in front of him and I was thinking "just look at my f_____ resume, it's right there in front of you." I went on to explain that I'd also taken a TESOL course. He looked at me blankly and said "huh? what's that?" Japan is saturated with these moronic "teachers" who can't teach s__. What sad times we live in.

The funny thing is, he at least got paid for taking part in that "interview"...

[alibaba]

The funny thing is, he at least got paid for taking part in that "interview"...

Yes, that's right. He handed me a suitcase full of cash the moment I stepped in the room. Just like we all are.
I'll tell you what's really funny. I've met local Cambodian college professors with experience and teaching credentials, who earn around 200 dollars a month. And here was this sorry excuse for a school "interviewer". While having the "interview" I kept thinking to myself, "if you were a teacher in any other country you'd have starved to death by now."

[John Grey]

The funny thing is, he at least got paid for taking part in that "interview"...

Precisely what I was thinking, when reading those silly complaints.

I am always wondering, why people have so many problems with living in the actually existing world....

(Sorry, that is halfway off-topic, back to the jokes!)

[alibaba]

Precisely what I was thinking, when reading those silly complaints.

I am always wondering, why people have so many problems with living in the actually existing world....

(Sorry, that is halfway off-topic, back to the jokes!)

I'm not complaining. Did it seem like I was? I was merely contemplating the idiocity of what you call the "actual exisiting world". I was simply stating the facts. That there is a huge discrepancy between the relatively comfortable living of your average gaijin w/ no worldly experience- book smarts or street smarts- and the rest of the world- or what you call the "actual exisiting world". Heck, I've seen 12 year old boys who collect trash for a living in developing countries who'd probably make better EFL teachers in Japan.
And what, may I ask, is the "actual exisiting world"? Please enlighten me w/ your wealth of experience. I'm pretty sure you have plenty of that. And for the record, I really didn't care what that "interviewer" thought of me. I was merely amused by what passes as your average "manager" of an eikaiwa these days. Anyway, whatever. As you say this thread is supposed to be about jokes.

"I'm determined to make the best of my situation, even if it kills me...or anybody else for that matter."

[PurpleDaisies]

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!”The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!”

[PurpleDaisies]

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[alibaba]

Japan

In a Tokyo hotel room. "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice."

In a hotel room. "Please to bathe inside the tub."

In a hotel room. "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In a hotel room about using the air conditioner. "Cooles and Heates. If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Inside a changing room of a sento. "It is forbidden to enter with tattoo. If you have tattoo you will be TAIJO."

China

Outside the entrance of a subway station. "No littering, no yelling or other loud noise, no begging, no busking, no hawking, no spitting or pissing around."

Guangzhou street sign. "Whoring around is strictly prohibited."

Hong kong

At a supermarket. "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service."

Outside a tailor shop. "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

Italy

At a laundry. "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

Russia

Outside a Russian Orthodox church. "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

Outside a Moscow hotel room. "If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it."

Thailand

Outside a Bangkok temple. "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

Outside a Bangkok dry cleaner`s. "Drop your trousers here for best results."

[John Grey]

I'm not complaining. Did it seem like I was? I was merely contemplating the idiocity of what you call the "actual exisiting world". I was simply stating the facts. That there is a huge discrepancy between the relatively comfortable living of your average gaijin w/ no worldly experience- book smarts or street smarts- and the rest of the world- or what you call the "actual exisiting world". Heck, I've seen 12 year old boys who collect trash for a living in developing countries who'd probably make better EFL teachers in Japan.
And what, may I ask, is the "actual exisiting world"? Please enlighten me w/ your wealth of experience. I'm pretty sure you have plenty of that. And for the record, I really didn't care what that "interviewer" thought of me. I was merely amused by what passes as your average "manager" of an eikaiwa these days. Anyway, whatever. As you say this thread is supposed to be about jokes.

"I'm determined to make the best of my situation, even if it kills me...or anybody else for that matter."

You are probably right, complaining was the wrong word.....
As for your question: "And what, may I ask, is the "actual exisiting world"? Please enlighten me w/ your wealth of experience. I'm pretty sure you have plenty of that."
you answered that yourself:
"I've met local Cambodian college professors with experience and teaching credentials, who earn around 200 dollars a month." and " And for the record, I really didn't care what that "interviewer" thought of me. I was merely amused by what passes as your average "manager" of an eikaiwa these days."

I suppose you misunderstood my answer the same way I misunderstood your question....

Back to the subject:

Father Fumble is giving confession one day, when Seamus comes in and tells him that he has been having an affair.
"I see," says Fumble, "but I cannot bless you until you tell me the woman's name."
"Okay, Father," replies Seamus. "She's the most gorgeous blonde you have ever seen -- and her name is Pussy Green."
The next Sunday, Father Fumble is getting ready for mass when a stunning blonde in a tiny skirt wiggles down the aisle to the front seats.
Father Fumble fumbles for his glasses, slips them on, and takes a good look at her.
"Is that Pussy Green?" he whispers to little Albert, the choir boy.
Albert looks hard this way and that.
"No, Father," he replies, "I think it is just the reflection from the stained-glass windows."

---------

Terrence and Mrs. Tuber, the TV Couch Potatoes, are propped up on their potato couch, chewing peanuts and watching their favorite soap opera "The Potato Family" on television. When the doorbell rings, Chip the dog starts barking, and Terrence looks around at it and accidentally pops a peanut into his ear. He is still sitting on his potato couch with his head tipped to one side, trying to get the peanut out, when his daughter and her boyfriend Frito walk in.

Frito immediately sees the situation and offers to help Terrence to get the peanut out. "Look," says Frito, "I'll cover your mouth, stick my two fingers into your nostrils and then blow into your other ear." In desperation, Terrence agrees to give this a try. Frito stuffs his fingers tightly into the couch potato's nose and blows into his ear. Sure enough, the peanut pops out the other side.

Later that evening, Terrence and Mrs. Tuber are propped up in bed watching a re-run of "The Potato Family" on television, when Mrs. Tuber asks her husband, "That Frito is such a nice boy, what do you think he will do when he leaves school?"
"I don't know what his plans are," replies Terrence. "But from the smell of his fingers, I think he will probably be our son-in-law."

[TJrandom]

This is a news story – but I couldn’t in good faith post it in “Latest International News” – so here it is in Humor – and as my 4,000th post at that.

Hooker 'turns into donkey', court hears, 24/10/2011, by Lunga Sibanda

http://www.newzimbabwe.com/news-6349...ears/news.aspx

A MAN caught having sex with a donkey stunned a court on Monday by claiming that the animal was in fact a hooker he pulled from a nightclub.

Sunday Moyo, 28, from Mandava township in Zvishavane, was charged with bestiality on Monday. Zvishavane magistrate Mildred Matuvi heard how Moyo was found by police officers on routine patrol performing a sex act on the animal inside his yard just after 4AM last Sunday.

The donkey, which had been tied by the neck to a tree, was lying on the ground. Although he was not formally asked to enter a plea, Moyo admitted committing the crime but told the magistrate an enthralling tale which had the court in stitches.

“Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested,” he began. “I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.”

The magistrate remanded Moyo in custody to October 27 and also ordered that he be examined by two government psychiatrists.

[TJrandom]

A cucumber, a pickle and a pinexs were talking about life!

The cucumber said, 'when I get big and hard, they chop me up and toss me in a salad!'

The pickle says, 'you got it easy mate! When I get big and hard, they chop me up and drown me in vinegar!'

The pinexs says, 'lads, that's nothing compared to what I go through when I get big and hard!

They put a plastic bag over my head, shove me into a small, warm, damp cave and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and faint!'

[Seattlegirl]

[PurpleDaisies]

Oh - LOVE IT!

[TJrandom]

A successful farmer died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the farm was doing very well.

Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Andun]

HowTo:Play the Skin Flute

I am constantly in awe of what emerges from such a finely crafted instrument”

~ Noel Coward on Skin Flutes

The skin flute is a musical instrument of the woodwind family. Unlike other woodwind instruments, a flute is a reedless wind instrument that produces its sound from the flow of air against an edge called "blowing". The size and shape of a skin flute is both wide spread and varied, from the 3 1/2" "Pee Wee" through to the related hybrid Pink Oboe some of which have been known to top 14 inches, with substantial girth.
Fingering and Playing Techniques

The Skin Flute is traditionally not a difficult instrument to master, although some might argue that it is an acquired taste, egged on by a deep desire to play with it and lave attention on it. Unlike the woodwind flute, it is not necessary to perfect an embouchure to play the skin flute, making the skin flute far easier to master than an orchestral flute - gag reflex excepted. As it only has one single hole, it is unlike its modern brethern; however should one encounter a skin flute with hole(s) along its sides it is best left alone. Careful manipulation with the fingers, tongue or lips can provide a variety of responses, allowing a master skin flautist to reach a crescendo or ease into a more subdued passage.
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/H...the_Skin_Flute

[Seattlegirl]

[TJrandom]

Here's a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those unable to think this one through.

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.

The other is getting 'oral pleasure' from an 85 year old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?























DON'T LOOK DOWN!
DON'T LOOK DOWN!
DON'T LOOK DOWN!

[TJrandom]

A teacher was teaching her grade four class, and told them that the word of the day was 'Contagious.'

She asked if anyone could use the word in a sentence, and several students stuck up their hands. "OK - Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, because they're contagious."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Then she picked Suzie, who said, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher said, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she noticed that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class.

"Yes, Johnny?" she said.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

[TJrandom]

A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a minor operation. She was laying on a hospital trolley bed with not a stitch of clothing on, except a sheet draped over her.

The nurse pushed the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she left the girl on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approached, lifted the sheet up and started to examine her naked body.

After a while, he put the sheet back and walked away to talk to another man in a white coat.

The second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examination, but a bit slower.

When a third man did the same thing, but even more closely and intimately, she grew impatient and asked, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and answered: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

[TJrandom]

The difference between a snowman and a snowwoman are ….

SNOWBALLS.

[Seattlegirl]

[BackDoor_Man]

What do you call a dog with no legs?


You can`t, because he is not going to come !

[TJrandom]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They got along so well that they decided to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and then washed his hands. He then took off his trousers and washed his hands again.

The girl had been watching him and said, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, said "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they made love.

After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego said, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. But how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing," she replied.

[TJrandom]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walked into a small village and saw a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He thought he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid or sumthin'?'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Villager: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements..'

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Villager (in a panic) 'The sheep's a liar!!!

[Seattlegirl]

[edin日本]

A good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

[Andun]

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia walked into a small village and saw a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

Fixed it for you.

[TJrandom]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[TJrandom]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly..then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

Visiting hours at the hospital are between 9 a.m. and 7 p.m.

[TJrandom]

A blond was on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot died. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabed the radio. "Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and answered back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."

"I'm 5"2' and I like being on top."

Ground control: "Repeat after me: Our Father..... which art in Heaven...."

[TJrandom]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very, very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled, her whole body trembled with excitement, and her breasts jiggled a bit as she jumped to hug the old man. Seeing this, the old man said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "You old fart, you lied. There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?!"

[TJrandom]

Homer, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blond at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blond looked at Homer and asked, "Do you think he will jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blond replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blond placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blond was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again".

[TJrandom]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "Government" This time I know I'm gonna get screwed."

[TJrandom]

A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery, knocked on the door, and asked, ‘Since my car broke down - do you think I could stay the night?’

The monks graciously accepted him, fed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound; a sound like no other that he had ever heard. The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, ‘We can't tell you because you're not a monk.’

The man was disappointed but thanked them anyway and went about his merry way. Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accepted him, fed him, and even fixed his car.

That night, he heard the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asked what the sound was, but the monks again replied, ‘We can't tell you because you're not a monk.’

The man said, ‘all right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?’

The monks replied, ‘you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.’

The man sat about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He says, ‘I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth’.

The monks replied, ‘congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.’

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, the sound is behind that door. The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He asked, ‘May I have the key?’

The monks give him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone... The man requested the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks said, ‘This is the key to the last door.’ The man was very relieved to be at the end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It was truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.






But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.


(Sorry about that....)

[biking]

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[Seattlegirl]

Turkey Humor.