Another unhappily married gaijin woman

[xyz]

I have been lurking and posting on the forum for a while, but I have never really posted my story.
Most of the time I just come across as cynical and resigned, but sometimes it gets to me.

I am a gaijin woman married to a Japanese guy, with a child. If you don`t look too closely, our marriage works. He has a reasonably good job, I work part-time for money for myself and also look after our little boy who is at kindergarten.

However, my husband sleeps pretty much all the weekend. He will rarely do anything with the family, and even for things for our son - such as kindergarten events- most of the time he won`t show up.

The biggest thing for me is the lack of sex. Since our son has been born, our sex life is pretty much close to zero - and actually was completely zero for the first 3 years of our son`s life. The last 2 years we have actually had sex a few times - but it is pretty infrequent. Currently it has been exactly 3 months since the last time (damn, it is so infrequent I can remember the date).
I am not unattractive. I lost all the baby weight, and am getting more male attention at the moment than perhaps ever in my life. I know that people find me attractive, that is- except my husband. He says that I am attractive and that he wants me, but he never wants to have sex - and if I initiate anything he is too tired.

At first after the baby was born he said he couldn`t have sex because the baby was sleeping in the same room. I pointed out that it was a large house, and suggested all number of places we could do the deed. I suggested getting his mother to babysit while we went to a love hotel. Wasn`t interested in anything I suggested. I worked on moving our little boy into his own room - but then my husband couldn`t have sex because the baby was in the same house.
Then of course it is because he is tired.
Basically it is every different excuse you can imagine, but it ends up the same - no sex. If I try to talk to him about it, he says that he is attracted to me and that he does want sex (just not today)
Even if I sleep naked next to him, he will just roll over and go to sleep. If I start something, he will just say he is tired. Of course I have wondered if he is getting it elsewhere - but I don`t think he is (of course I could be wrong). I have thought that if I could catch him cheating it would be good, because I could get out more easily.

If I don`t think of him as a husband, but just as a roommate - I can do it. If I can forget that I want to be a woman and be appreciated and have a passionate sex life, and just concentrate on raising my child - I can do it. If I concentrate on enjoying the campany of friends, and forget that I am supposed to share anything but an empty courtesy with my husband - I can do it.
Seen from the surface he is a good husband, and our son loves him. I also am scared that if I leave, I may lose custody of our son - and I would do anything to avoid that.

[well_bicyclically]

... and you did not know this life was waiting for you when you said, "I do"....??

[Coraline]

Honestly, his desire for sleep makes me wonder if perhaps he is depressed.. it can also cause low sex drive...
Im sorry that this is your situation, and i wish you all the very best in sorting it out, so you can be happy, as a woman, wife and mother.

[xyz]

... and you did not know this life was waiting for you when you said, "I do"....??

Yeah I know - STUPID,STUPID!! Right?!
But whenever I imagined married life, I imagined a LITTLE more sex.
And I guess I bought into the myth that all men want sex.

[kentokun]

Damm hope this problem gets sorted before your son grows up! I guess interracial marriages need a little bit more effort for both parties to be happy. I'm sure you can talk it out with husband? Ask him what turns him on?

[xyz]

I'm sure you can talk it out with husband? Ask him what turns him on?

Well, if he was prepared to talk about it honestly, then I don`t think I would be writing here.
If I want to talk about it he usually just suddenly goes deaf, or pretends to be asleep.
If pushed, he says that he wants me, that I turn him on and that we will have sex - tomorrow.

I`d be happy to work with him, and try new things if that`s what he wanted. He`s pretty vanilla in his tastes, and doesn`t even like oral sex (giving or receiving).
I do have some nice underwear, but he never gives it more than a passing glance -and if I lie next to him naked and horny, I may as well be wearing a burka.

[telly]

Did you try mentioning how much attention you were getting from other men? Jealousy is a pretty powerful motivator.

[Tinysim]

Take your son and go. He will not change. There is nothing you can do.

Sorry to be so negative but I wasted 20 years with a man with the same problem. Get out now.

[trunker]

i would try the burka.

tell him you've been a bad girl cos you went to school to get educated and then give him a cane to ummm cane you with.

i think donqi has mullah beards if he wants to dress up too.

"vanilla tastes" often mask much darker richer sometimes disturbing tastes, regardless of gender.

[TPG]

I also am scared that if I leave, I may lose custody of our son - and I would do anything to avoid that.

Why would that be? Couldn't you just say you'll be visiting your parents in your homecountry, take your son with you and never come back? What do you think he will (can) do? He's got his life (work) here in Japan. I don't think he'll give up everything here to be with you and your son in your own country. He doesn't seem all that interested in the two of you, so... It might work as a wake-up call even. You know, realizing what he lost. Making more efforts, not taking you for granted etc.

[gaijin ga iru]

Couldn't you just say you'll be visiting your parents in your homecountry, take your son with you and never come back? What do you think he will (can) do?

That could get messy. First, it would amount to justification for all the Japanese spouses who have fled to Japan with the kids, and for the Japanese government's support of them. Second, I can imagine some countries (namely, mine, the US) receiving a complaint from the Japanese government and deciding to force the spouse to take the child back to Japan.

As you said, it sounds like he'd pretty much consent if xyz said she was going to take the child and leave.

[xyz]

Thanks for the kind and mostly well thought out responses to my thread. Lots to think about and more I want to say.
But damn, started to think about it all which is getting to me - will be back soon to say more. Thanks...

[shiratori]

If I don`t think of him as a husband, but just as a roommate - I can do it. If I can forget that I want to be a woman and be appreciated and have a passionate sex life, and just concentrate on raising my child - I can do it. If I concentrate on enjoying the campany of friends, and forget that I am supposed to share anything but an empty courtesy with my husband - I can do it.

It looks like you found the way out of your laughable misery. How did you end up like that? Well, seriously, if you are real and if your story is true, the answer is very simple as always: if somebody doesn't do something, it can mean only two possible things: he cannot do that or he does not want to do that. If it is the first case, your sweatheart is sick, either physially or mentally. Some Western women can also be as frigid as Jives. The same goes with men. On average J-men do not strike me as no-desire stuff. On the contrary. But it does not mean that impotents do not exist here completely. Maybe your lovely one is one of the unfortunates. If he is mentally sick or seriosuly depressed, it is more complicated. But honestly, my money is on the second case- he does not want you. Probably he is in love with someone else, maybe even seeing someone else. But a little son and the shame and stress of a divorce locked him in his marriage. Good reason to be depressed, probably. I don't see the way out for you. You can talk to him, try to find out the truth about his inner world, even confront him. But I doubt it will work. Maybe it will only make things worse. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have already done that. Or you can exist with him, just like your describe in your post. What a wonderful life! Enjoy. And my condolence as a tribute to the deceased love of your both.

[xyz]

Shiratori/LT
You really are a b !tch aren`t you.
If you really are who you say you are, a Russian woman married to a Japanese man - then I bet you don`t have any children.
You are very stuck up and sanctimonious, and think you are so much better than everyone. "Oooo I don`t have any problems in my marriage, I am wonderful. My husband loves me, wants to have sex with me blah blah blah."
It`s going to be so very interesting when you do have children and the reality hits, and you realise that you are just like the rest of us.

So do you have children? If so, I apologise and am interested in hearing more about how you kept your marriage alive. If you don`t, then I say you have no f-ing idea and I do not want to hear any more of your "advice" or "help".

[Trichophyton-in-my-pants]

[I] am interested in hearing more about how you kept your marriage alive. If you don`t, then I say you have no f-ing idea and I do not want to hear any more of your "advice" or "help".

She bathes 5 times a day. Six on Sundays.

LT... Secreeets.

[shiratori]

You really are a b !tch aren`t you.
If you really are who you say you are, a Russian woman married to a Japanese man - then I bet you don`t have any children.
You are very stuck up and sanctimonious, and think you are so much better than everyone. "Oooo I don`t have any problems in my marriage, I am wonderful. My husband loves me, wants to have sex with me blah blah blah."
It`s going to be so very interesting when you do have children and the reality hits, and you realise that you are just like the rest of us.

So do you have children? If so, I apologise and am interested in hearing more about how you kept your marriage alive. If you don`t, then I say you have no f-ing idea and I do not want to hear any more of your "advice" or "help".

Well, well, well... Now the picture is getting slightly clearer. If you are talking to him so stylishly pessimistic, not a surprise that he does not want to do anything with you. Btw, why is it always kids' fault? Many couples are married happily with kids. The kid is not guilty. He is innocent.

She bathes 5 times a day. Six on Sundays.

LT... Secreeets.

Love it! And Dior.

[Cultureshock]

why is it always kids' fault? Many couples are married happily with kids. The kid is not guilty. He is innocent.

Do you have any knowledge or experience of marriage to a Japanese?

[xyz]

Ok, I have no wish to have my thread end up a LT nightmare. I will be putting you on ignore and deleting your quote in my answer to you.

[Andun]

Sounds suspicious. Better find out what he's up to and where he goes. Hire a detective if you can afford it. Confront him verbally with the issue. See how he reacts. Suggest marriage counseling.

[shiratori]

I will be putting you on ignore and deleting your quote in my answer to you.

I am scared. Almost. But seriously, if you speak in the ultimatum language with your husband, well,... his behavior and his attitude to you is probably what you deserve. I like to be the Lady of the household but I need a Gentleman for that. If you always treated your husband like the one, who knows, maybe you wouldn't have ended up like..... what is the polite word?

Do you have any knowledge or experience of marriage to a Japanese?

I do.

[Cultureshock]

Sounds suspicious. Better find out what he's up to and where he goes. Hire a detective if you can afford it. Confront him verbally with the issue. See how he reacts. Suggest marriage counseling.

Do you honestly feel this will resolve the problems and make the marriage better?

Personally I feel its more likely to finish it.

[Ken44]

Take your son and go. He will not change. There is nothing you can do.

Sorry to be so negative but I wasted 20 years with a man with the same problem. Get out now.

I agree.

Take the kid and go.

[Andun]

Do you honestly feel this will resolve the problems and make the marriage better?

Personally I feel its more likely to finish it.

It sounds like the husband is totally unresponsive at this point. I think she should try to get some kind of response from him to see where she really stands. I guess hiring a detective would be a last resort but at least she would know once and for all if another woman is the issue.
If it's over then it's already been over for a long time.

[Cultureshock]

It sounds like the husband is totally unresponsive at this point. I think she should try to get some kind of response from him to see where she really stands. I guess hiring a detective would be a last resort but at least she would know once and for all if another woman is the issue.
If it's over then it's already been over for a long time.

I understand what you are saying, but you have to consider that this may very well be normal behavior for Japanese when in a marriage, I know from my experiences and observations that many marriages are just about each partner doing what is expected, with them just sharing the same space, instead of actually having a real relationship with each other.

[telly]

Say, xyz.....does your partner read English?

You might want to send him a link to this thread or better still, your PM box, guessing there's a few offers in there

[Seattlegirl]

It looks like you found the way out of your laughable misery. How did you end up like that? Well, seriously, if you are real and if your story is true, the answer is very simple as always: if somebody doesn't do something, it can mean only two possible things: he cannot do that or he does not want to do that. If it is the first case, your sweatheart is sick, either physially or mentally. Some Western women can also be as frigid as Jives. The same goes with men. On average J-men do not strike me as no-desire stuff. On the contrary. But it does not mean that impotents do not exist here completely. Maybe your lovely one is one of the unfortunates. If he is mentally sick or seriosuly depressed, it is more complicated. But honestly, my money is on the second case- he does not want you. Probably he is in love with someone else, maybe even seeing someone else. But a little son and the shame and stress of a divorce locked him in his marriage. Good reason to be depressed, probably. I don't see the way out for you. You can talk to him, try to find out the truth about his inner world, even confront him. But I doubt it will work. Maybe it will only make things worse. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have already done that. Or you can exist with him, just like your describe in your post. What a wonderful life! Enjoy. And my condolence as a tribute to the deceased love of your both.

Here is something as useful as any of shiratori/LT's advice.

[nynapaj]

Let's assume he really IS tired. How much does he sleep during the week?
I am in my late 20s, but some work weeks I only get less than 5 hours of sleep/night from Monday-Friday... So I sleep the weekend out. I only have weeks like that once in a while, but if it was like that the whole year, I would probably do the same as him.

I am not joking with this question, but it will sound like it...
have you tried giving him a BJ??
For a tired man, sex can be a chore. No disrespect to you, but some women do a lot less than the man in bed. The woman might WANT it, but she lies back and enjoys everything while the man does all the work. It involves a lot of energy.
However laying back and getting a BJ is like getting a good massage. Even if he is tired, he will probably like it. Do it once in a while and it might "jump start" his sexual desires.

[nynapaj]

It looks like you found the way out of your laughable misery. [...] Or you can exist with him, just like your describe in your post. What a wonderful life! Enjoy. And my condolence as a tribute to the deceased love of your both.

OMG!!! And I thought that *I* was a jerk!!

[Anonymous coward]

I just wrote a long reply, chickened out, made another account to avoid the poisonous fallout ever-present in GaijinPot and in the process lost what I wrote. Here's the gist of it though:

Any time you think you have to put up with something because of cultural differences you are probably fooling yourself. Not always, but my last messy 4 year relationship with a Japanese girl contrasted with my current one really put that into perspective for me.

More relevantly, I can imagine myself in a similar situation to you guys 10 years down the line after marriage and kids, but I'm the guy in the relationship.

I love my girlfriend, find her sexy and enjoy the sex, but I'm also aware I have a very low sex drive and always have done. It's not something society accepts in guys though.

Fortunately, no matter how studiously I ignore her, try to sleep or get on with whatever distraction is engaging my attention, my girlfriend is happy to initiate, with hand-jobs, blow-jobs or whatever, at any time of day. Even I, when sufficiently stimulated, will switch in an instant from 'leave it out' to 'let's get it on!', no matter how disinterested I was up until that very moment the switch clicks over in my head.

No matter how irritating I find it at times, her aggressive sexuality is something I'm really grateful for. Without it, even our infrequent(?) two or three times a week sex just wouldn't happen, I'm sure our relationship would suffer... and I'd miss the sex.

As for your husband not liking blow-jobs and being unadventurous in bed, well, having had many awful blow-jobs and hand-jobs in my life I can totally understand a guy coming to the conclusion that they aren't for him. But as someone else said, blow-jobs are effortless, relaxing and enjoyable when done right... I can't imagine any guy being able to turn them down consistently after a little re-education.

All I can suggest is trying to be more sexually aggressive. It may seem near-impossible after so many years of celibacy, but if the guy is just putting it off instead of rejecting you outright it seems possible that his situation bears some similarities with my own. Anyway, that has to be a better suggestion than kidnapping, right?

[shiratori]

Here is something as useful as any of shiratori/LT's advice.

No doubt your advice is precious for OP, an advice of a woman with a failed marriage and a fatherless son. You were there where OP is now and if you tell her how you ended up like that, maybe OP will not follow your pattern and will save her marriage. But unlikely. She will have the same end like you and will hate men and women who are happy with the Man.

I am in my late 20s, but some work weeks I only get less than 5 hours of sleep/night
For a tired man, sex can be a chore.
However laying back and getting a BJ is like getting a good massage.

*I* was a jerk!!

Of course you are. You are in late 20s and with a 5 hours sleep all you can do is to lay back.

[Irishrogue]

Well, i dont know what kind of man your husband is, but I would dare say that most men couldnt resist a threesome.. If you surprise him with another women and he still says no, something is seriously wrong.. Possibly he fancies men, possibly his tinker toy aint workin the way it used to, or possibly hes so completely unhappy in the relationship he gets no sexual gratification from you no matter how attractive you are. Sometimes men can be internally upset or annoyed about something about you or youve done, and it makes it nearly impossible to have sex even though you are smoking hot. Either way, his lack of honesty as to whats going on is ultimately going to damage the relationship further.

[Seattlegirl]

blahblahblah

[Andun]

Originally Posted by Seattlegirl

Originally Posted by shiratori
blahblahblah

[the_pink_tako_yaki]

Honestly, his desire for sleep makes me wonder if perhaps he is depressed.. it can also cause low sex drive...
.

I agree with this possibility.

One of my best friends had some serious issues with depression and sleeping problems, and it was messing up his sex drive. He said he couldn't even get it up enough to masturbate properly. He had himself convinced that maybe he was just not into sex, maybe he was a "herbivore male" or whatever other excuse he needed. But I could tell that even though he was trying to convince himself this way, inside he was not happy with it and it was that he had some other deeper issues that were affecting him physically, including his sex drive. And hence, his sexual confidence was also being affected.

Not wanting to see my friend fall further down this hole, it was time to take matters into my own hands.

So, it was kinda tricky to initiate the first time, but I did him. It was one of those drawn-out, day long affairs.
Somehow though, I got him to initiate the first actual "move," which I think was kinda important because it allowed him to sorta take control of what pace he wanted to go at. A guy who is feeling tired, down, or lacking confidence is probably not going to be able to perform sudden steamy, passionate sex right off that bat, even if he's got the hottest woman in the world naked right in front of him, fiddling with his weiner. So if he's feeling pushed or rushed into it, it's probably just not gonna work. He's gotta feel like it's something he genuinely WANTS to do, not something he's obligated to do.

Anyway, so yeah, after doing this friend of mine a few times, his male confidence gradually restored itself, and now from what I can gather, his life is now a combo of a fvckfest/porn fest. Like he's either fvcking, or whacking off watching other people fvcking. Maybe he's trying to make up for all those months of lost time or something. In any case, he's got his sex drive that, so I kinda feel proud of myself as a woman for that. But it wasn't easy, nor was it quick.

It's weird, but in these situations, you have to somewhat reverse the role and think of the guy the way guys approach women (younger women in particular). There are some girls who are down for sex anytime, but in general, guys know that girls gotta be "in the mood" for sex, otherwise they'll complain or come up with excuses ("I have a headache" and crap like that), or just "put out" without truly being into it. And a lot of times, what guys do to get girls "in the mood" doesn't even seem sexual at first at all (having a nice dinner together or something). The tricky part with this situation is though, the woman will have to take enough initiative to guide the process along, but not be too dominating. The man still has to feel like he's the man or else it probably won't work.

Men complain that women are complicated and temperamental, but men can be pretty damn difficult sometimes too!

[gaijin ga iru]

Sometimes men can be internally upset or annoyed about something about you or youve done, and it makes it nearly impossible to have sex even though you are smoking hot.

Xyz, not to accuse you but just to cover the base, is there anything about your contribution to the relationship you should reconsider? Any excessive complaining, whining, criticism of the Japanese, or anything like that?

[gankoba]

Xyz sounds like my wife. Am I the only one that can understand her husband? I don't know what it is, but the story sounds very similar to be, just opposite point of view. Before my wife and I got married, we'd be having sex almost every night, if not, then at least 4 times a week. Recently we had a son, and my sex drive just went away. I'm not depressed, I enjoy my job, I love my son, and I love my wife. I don't cheat, and honestly don't really have the desire to. When I get home, I take care of my son, help with house chores, and put him to sleep. After a long day like that, I just want to sit in front of my computer and watch movies. My wife is different, she can work, take care of our son, do chores and then still want to have sex....like almost every night! I just don't have the energy for that. We have sex now like once a week, or sometimes once in 2 weeks.

[Effected After]

I found that switching the times when we have sex worked wonders in my marriage. I'm not big on night sex, for the reasons that the poster above said - at the end of the day I just want to relax and fall asleep watching tv. I'm not in for a workout, particularly if I've gone for a workout after work.

But in the morning, I'm awake, and usually horny as hell. Morning sex = a better day at work.

[Cultureshock]

Xyz sounds like my wife. Am I the only one that can understand her husband? I don't know what it is, but the story sounds very similar to be, just opposite point of view.

First you say you understand her husband, but then add "I don't know what it is", so does this mean you do not understand what the problem is?

After a long day like that, I just want to sit in front of my computer and watch movies.

Why not try and make some quality time with your wife instead of watching movies? I mean if you were that tied, you would not even be able to stay awake to watch these movies.

[Don Juan]

Xyz sounds like my wife. Am I the only one that can understand her husband? I don't know what it is, but the story sounds very similar to be, just opposite point of view. Before my wife and I got married, we'd be having sex almost every night, if not, then at least 4 times a week. Recently we had a son, and my sex drive just went away. I'm not depressed, I enjoy my job, I love my son, and I love my wife. I don't cheat, and honestly don't really have the desire to. When I get home, I take care of my son, help with house chores, and put him to sleep. After a long day like that, I just want to sit in front of my computer and watch movies. My wife is different, she can work, take care of our son, do chores and then still want to have sex....like almost every night! I just don't have the energy for that. We have sex now like once a week, or sometimes once in 2 weeks.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa

[gankoba]

"I don`t know what it is" meaning it`s hard to explain, I do understand what he`s going through. After my son is asleep I would rather sit down, maybe have a snack, and watch a movie or some american tv show. Maybe I`m just lazy, but after everything is done, I`d like to relax and vegetate for an hour or two before I have to sleep. Having sex all the time wears me down, especially in this hot weather that requires a quick shower later.