Caught my Jgirl at it again

[5 Elements Style]

This is the 4th time I've caught my girlfriend in the act of going through one of my things. My journal, my computer and email, my keitai. I have told her how much I require privacy and made her promise never to do it again. Apparently, this doesn't work.

Any advice? I hate having to check whether everything is in lockdown mode before I take a crap or leave for work while she's in my apartment. Is it time to dump her and break her heart? Should I put up with this?

[Stone-Cold Soba]

Interrogate her mercilessly about what she does when you're not together. When she protests, point out that you have similar feelings about her checking up on you. If she says something about trusting her, all the better because that's what it's all about. If she can't show that she trusts you (by not checking up) then the relationship can only get worse.

Ah, but then you'd have to have some way of reassuring yourself that she isn't checking up on you, so you'd have to check up that she isn't checking up...

But somewhere there has to be a foundation of trust.

Soba

[Steve Jobs]

She's insecure about the relationship, maybe you need to come clean with her, convince her you are not getting your d**k sucked on the side.

[Nick Halliday]

Either she is like most women and just knows you are being unfaithful, or she is an industrial spy. Besides, people like the 9-11 perps had a lot of secrets and required their privacy, too. Maybe she thinks you are really up to something.

[SuGaRPoPpi]

its getting to you that much, then break up with her...
if you feel like you can still go on, then stay with her...

BUt most girls wont even think about going through their partner's stuff unless you gave them doubts..................

The riot act needs to be read here.

Whether or not you want to end the relationship depends on how much you like her.

[Don Simons]

Up with this you should not put.

[timcastleuk]

Ditch the _____! 4 times! That takes the ____. If she distrusts you that much and lies to you that much (i.e. by promising that she wont look). Shes not exactly a trustworthy partner and i wouldnt put it past her, that she herself isnt cheating, in some sick attempt at an insurance policy. "Well if he is cheating on me, at least i feel better as i cheated on him."

p.s. has she got reason to check your stuff, are u cheating on her? cause if so, then you dont really have much of point. you lie/cheat on her, she does the same. either way ... not good.

[renkachan71]

then how many times have you not caught her ?
As a woman,though, I would not necessarily say that she suspects you are cheating. How long have you been dating ?To be honest, it used to be really hard for me to stop myself from going through a new boyfriend's stuff if I was ever left alone in his apartment, just because I wanted to get to know more about him. To be even more honest,several years ago I once read the diary of my new boyfriend while he was at work, hoping to read something good about myself and find out what he felt. Instead, I found out that although he liked me, he liked another woman better from afar and it was more of a list of when he'd seen her, what she'd been doing, who she'd been with and so on. Hardly a mention of yours truly at all. That cured me. Talk about people who eavesdrop rarely hearing good of themselves ! When I'm in a secure, long term relationship the urge to peek disappears. I have never, and would never check phones or e-mail though. Also, the fact that you have caught her and yet she keeps doing it is a bit worrying. It may be a sign of unhealthy jealousy later down the line. You may want to give her an ultimatum. If you catch her again it's over, enough's enough sort of thing. That would definitely stop me (more so, actually, than long talks about trust and respect )

[Skyknight]

Originally Posted by 5 Elements Style

Any advice? I hate having to check whether everything is in lockdown mode before I take a crap or leave for work while she's in my apartment. Is it time to dump her and break her heart? Should I put up with this?

You gotta lay down the law and then live with the consequences of your actions.

I've had girlfriends rifle through my personal papers, dig through my journals, check my computer and one even would ask on occasion to look through my wallet.

In each case when I found out what they were doing I would ask why and how would they feel if I went around digging through their stuff? Most of them understood and never did it again, two of them didn't and I ended the relationship right there. Point is, they were warned and they chose to ignore the consequences.

If you tell her that you don't like this invasion of your privacy (and it is an invasion) and you catch her again, kick her to the curb. This woman doesn't respect you and because of that there's no reason to keep her around.

[cutyourhair]

Originally Posted by 5 Elements Style

This is the 4th time I've caught my girlfriend in the act of going through one of my things. My journal, my computer and email, my keitai. I have told her how much I require privacy and made her promise never to do it again. Apparently, this doesn't work.

Any advice? I hate having to check whether everything is in lockdown mode before I take a crap or leave for work while she's in my apartment. Is it time to dump her and break her heart? Should I put up with this?

Are you hiding something? My J-bird did that to me a number of times and I didn't even catch her (she told me, talk about wicked shinobi technique). As long as she left everything where it was and didn't toss my porn, I didn't really care.

But if its a problem, you can buy safes starting at about 1k.

Hehe, you got somethink to hide...what is it?

Keitai

Rule number 1: Password protect the darn thing. Duh! Don't ever show her the password and change the password daily when she is around.

Rule number 2: Password protect the data chip (if you 'as one). How many clever people think that by locking the phone is going to prevent you getting the information. Hah! just take the chip and put it in your PC and you can get all the info. on the chip.

Rule number 3: Secrecy function. Use this to hide all the numbers of people that you don't want her to see. Now, you as to be clever and use a different password so if she breaks through defense barrier number 1 then defense barrier number 2 is in place.

PC

Duh! Just use a password dood.

Journal

Would you write anything secret their...hmm, if so. Go with the safe option. Oh, yeah, and that's a blinkin' good idea if you've got your passport and bank books scattered around where she can get her hands on them.

Imagine you diss her and she takes your bank book and inkan and takes all your cash. Not a good move.

Why?

Why, is she checking. Could be any number of reasons but you need to stress to her that if she continues to do this it will break up your relationship. Maybe it's her past experience, maybe you are adonis and she is jealous other people may be attracted to you. Maybe this is too early in your relationship...blah....blah...blah...protect yourself dood or they will eat you for breakfast.

Alternatively, do what I do. Just leave everything open for her to see. If you have nothing to hide then there are no suprises, right.,

[cutyourhair]

Originally Posted by Mandrake

Alternatively, do what I do. Just leave everything open for her to see. If you have nothing to hide then there are no suprises, right.,

Exact-a-mondo.

[electric_japan]

The only way to survive in a happy marriage here is to be open and honest 24/7/365.
It is proven to be the only way to live in peace.
Trust me.
Just do it.

I can't tell you how to live your life.

[foxy49]

Urrrrrr, privacy is very important to me. I know it's very tempting to snoop on your partner's stuff but the idea is not respectful to the other person. I would hate it if my husband routinely check up on my stuff behind my back. If something is missing I would have to blame it on him.....and that's terrible.
That's something I never did to my husband even when we were dating cuz I don't want him to do it to me.
You caught her 4 times and she still does it meaning she is not trustworthy, does not respect your privacy and property. Not a good sign.

[Ed Ob]

Originally Posted by Mandrake

Alternatively, do what I do. Just leave everything open for her to see. If you have nothing to hide then there are no suprises, right.,

I take your point Mandrake, but seriously, why would anyone ever feel the need to check their partners keitai and PC unless A) the person had a very real reason to suspect something or B) they were completely untrusting and paranoid? Either way, there's a problem. 5 elements, If you're not up to anything then don't worry about hurting her feelings. 4 times! She's hurting your feelings, right? If she can't deal with the fact that you don't like her snooping around with your private stuff, if she doesn't trust or respect you enough to accept you want some privacy, then she has only herself to blame for being dumped.

[dVerse]

my ex did it, checked my phone, my pc, my mail etc...
but her ex had cheated on her so she was naturally paranoid, i was only her 3rd boyfriend.
She even went so far as to ask me to delete all contact details i had for any female, friend or ex whatever.
We broke up because of her doubts, but there was never any reason to doubt. I was always either with her, or at work. Very rarely did I ever leave her sight otherwise....
It was insane.
When we were in Osaka I spent a night in Kobe with some of the boys from the KRAC and that night I got phone calls nearly every half hour, and then first thing the next day asking me to come back to Izumishi, I stopped at Namba and bought her a kimono (quite a nice one too) and I still got the spanish inquisition when I got home......
Its a hard road finding the perfect woman....

[5 Elements Style]

Hey potters, thanks for all the good advice. And it was ALL good, suprisingly so for gaijinpot of late.

Let's see, I'll admit that I am a terrible flirt. We broke up once and I was out with a beautiful model the next month; she still has issues with that. Understandable, but I had been ready to move on for a long time before I could get the words out. To make a long story short, the model chick was a flake, and my ex and I started talking again. We got back together a 6 months ago, and she says she started getting jealous again recently because she saw the model chick on the cover of a magazine in a bookstore recently. (By the way, have a guess on how she found out about the girl after her? Yep, you guessed correct!!) She kept grilling me about her the day before she peaked in my computer. "You still keep in contact with her, don't you?" No, no, no. I'm with her every free hour of the weekend, except for the rare free time I get to write in my goddam journal! Perhaps I should have suspected.

Taking precautions is sensible, and I used to do that actually before we broke up. But how far do you go before you are living as a prisoner in your relationship? Do you want to be in the crapper thinking "Did I remember to log-off the PC? Better pinch this loaf!"

I've nothing to hide, but I do like my privacy. I am basically a shy guy, and I think that only I get to decide what to show about myself to other people. I think I will lay down the law, as others suggested. No more of this shite.

[tokubetsu]

5 Elements- ok, well she's obviously very insecure. Make up your mind whether you want her to stick around or not. You make her sound like a haemarrhoid. Why did you get back together with her and why have you stayed with her the second time after she's started going through your stuff?.

I've tried to look at messages on a boyfriends phone before, i'm not proud of this, but that guy was always lying about what time he finished work and what he was doing when he was not at work or with me (i caught him out a few times).

Some girls just like to snoop, they can't help it, they don't mean any harm, they just want to know as much about you as possilbe, good and bad. Let's face it the bad stuff is often the side of ourselves that we don't like others to see.

[foxy49]

5 Elements, sounds like your relationship is heading towards trouble. You're a flirt and your gf got into this snooping habit (and won't quit).......maybe give it a break and stop seeing eachother for a while. If you guys miss eachother then go back but otherwise it's time for a change?.

[tokubetsu]

I was just thinking about your GF's snooping habit and I thought I'd share a story with you.

Someone I used to know who had lived in Japan for 14yrs, who liked to think he knew a lot about Japanese people even though, he refused to speak Japanese, except for a few words here and there, well this guy once told me that Japanese people liked to snoop a lot and not just the girls, the guys too. According to him they particulary like to snoop on Gaijin because it was a lot more interesting, a lot more "unknown" stuff to be found out.

Sounds a little paranoid to me, but that's exactly what this guy was like. He was anxious about leaving his back pack in a hotel room that he was sharing with a Japanese guy, because he was convinced he would go through it!.

Needless to say, when I first heard this story I cracked up laughing!. Because of course it's not true in every case!.

The question is how much is she worth to you?. Is there anything you can do to make her trust you more ? and are you willing to do this?

I can see how you feel that your privacy is being invaded and maybe since you don't seem to be that serious that this is all a bit too much for you.

I know plenty of people in serious relationships who are very open like that with each other. They send and open messages on each other's phones, use a joint e-mail account, share a computer. I'm sure that they do keep some things personal, but from my view on the whole they are very open with each other and that's why there is so much trust there. Because there is not a lot that they don't know about each other!.

Originally Posted by tokubetsu

I was just thinking about your GF's snooping habit and I thought I'd share a story with you.

Someone I used to know who had lived in Japan for 14yrs, who liked to think he knew a lot about Japanese people even though, he refused to speak Japanese, except for a few words here and there, well this guy once told me that Japanese people liked to snoop a lot and not just the girls, the guys too. According to him they particulary like to snoop on Gaijin because it was a lot more interesting, a lot more "unknown" stuff to be found out.

Sounds a little paranoid to me, but that's exactly what this guy was like. He was anxious about leaving his back pack in a hotel room that he was sharing with a Japanese guy, because he was convinced he would go through it!.

Needless to say, when I first heard this story I cracked up laughing!. Because of course it's not true in every case!.

The question is how much is she worth to you?. Is there anything you can do to make her trust you more ? and are you willing to do this?

I can see how you feel that your privacy is being invaded and maybe since you don't seem to be that serious that this is all a bit too much for you.

I know plenty of people in serious relationships who are very open like that with each other. They send and open messages on each other's phones, use a joint e-mail account, share a computer. I'm sure that they do keep some things personal, but from my view on the whole they are very open with each other and that's why there is so much trust there. Because there is not a lot that they don't know about each other!.

Sounds like someone I know. Extremely paranoid and unsettling character to say the least.

[foxy49]

I'm not sure if this is about "trust". I don't have anything to hide from my husband but I still have to have my own space (such as my own bank account, my own computer etc). I would hate it if he goes through my drawer all the time cuz they are my personal items (again there're nothing to hide from him though). I think some people appreciate privacy & space more than the other.

[5 Elements Style]

Originally Posted by foxy49

I'm not sure if this is about "trust". I don't have anything to hide from my husband but I still have to have my own space (such as my own bank account, my own computer etc). I would hate it if he goes through my drawer all the time cuz they are my personal items (again there're nothing to hide from him though). I think some people appreciate privacy & space more than the other.

Yeah Foxy, you've put the issue very succintly into focus. I talked to her and tried to explain just that; that I've nothing to hide but that I value my privacy. She seems to have understood.

I also told her if it happens again, she's out. Fear will keep the local systems in line. Fear of this Battle Station!

[arginjapan]

Originally Posted by foxy49

I'm not sure if this is about "trust". I don't have anything to hide from my husband but I still have to have my own space

Best answer to all of this yet-everyone who's in favor of 5th's girlfriend tossing his stuff needs to remember that you were (and are) your own autonomous person first before you are anything else. You don't become some sort of hybrid that defines everything you are by your other half (well, I don't know, maybe some here do).

Someone above intimated that you'd only be worried about such matters if you gave them doubts. That's a load of crap-it's about one partner trying to assert control over the other.

[foxy49]

Originally Posted by arginjapan

Best answer to all of this yet-everyone who's in favor of 5th's girlfriend tossing his stuff needs to remember that you were (and are) your own autonomous person first before you are anything else. You don't become some sort of hybrid that defines everything you are by your other half (well, I don't know, maybe some here do).

Someone above intimated that you'd only be worried about such matters if you gave them doubts. That's a load of crap-it's about one partner trying to assert control over the other.

Who?.Are you talking about me?. I'm agreeing with you arg.It's controling I know. And it's different from parents going through kids stuff (or kids going through parents stuff?). Even that I think it's kinda awkard.
SOme people give apartment keys to their partner and I don't like that either. My space is mine only and nobody can enter it without my permission. Maybe I'm a bit too territorial.........

[arginjapan]

Originally Posted by foxy49

Who?.Are you talking about me?

Yes.

Originally Posted by foxy49

I'm agreeing with you arg.

As I was with you.

[canadamanada]

What you should do is write a big fantasy scenario in your journal, and include a name. Right at the end, near the money shot, write something like "Stop reading my godddamn journal!!!"
Get back to me with the results. Now, go forth, and learn how to control ya ho. dismissed

[toastman]

Originally Posted by SuGaRPoPpi

its getting to you that much, then break up with her...
if you feel like you can still go on, then stay with her...

BUt most girls wont even think about going through their partner's stuff unless you gave them doubts..................

Let me guess your age SuGaRPoPpi.


Hmm lets see... 12?

[BushtuckerMan]

Food for thought...

...I only get worried about my GF cheating on me when I'm cheating on her. You sure she's got nothing to hide?

Besides,

I hate to be the bringer of bad tidings but: if there aint no trust there aint no relationship!

[5 Elements Style]

Originally Posted by canadamanada

What you should do is write a big fantasy scenario in your journal, and include a name. Right at the end, near the money shot, write something like "Stop reading my godddamn journal!!!"
Get back to me with the results. Now, go forth, and learn how to control ya ho. dismissed

I started writing this awesome fantasy I have about this girl I met surfing. Japanese surfer girls are not something to be missed, my friends! The wet suit clinging to her taut musculature and pert ___ as it bobs, bobs, bobs up and down on the waves in front of you...the warm sea water flowing down through her braided hair...the gentle and easy laughter of someone who is truly herself and beautiful in the first soft folds of youth.

Somehow I talked her into going out with me, and she is the coolest, kindest chick ever. We go to a secluded crag on the beach that only we know about in the cool summer dawn, and get nude as frolicsome sea otters, fondling and kissing and

[5 Elements Style]

See, I get myself all worked up and somehow never make it to the part where I tell her not to read my journal...

[kurogane]

Umm, yeah. I've been meaning to write you about this:

Sorry about that eh!?. I hate to blame the woman, but she never told me. Imagine my surprise when I look on the mantelpiece and see that goofy avatar staring back at me.........

I feel so dirty and icky now. Umm, she did mention that you were much much bigger, and had a much richer style, if that helps at all.

Forgive me? I hope it can be the way it was before with us.................................

Rather than writing some smurfy fantasy island monolog it would be much more (dare I say it?!?!) romantic...(shut up already) to write a journal together.

Yup, I write a journal with the significant other about things, about each other, etcetoraaah...

Actually, highlighting all the stuff that makes you go "I'm za 'appiest guy in za 'ol wold" is important. As when and if you get to that blank page and realise your mind is also as blank and vacant as that page...you start getting your relationship in perspective.

Oh, and ignore all that BS about writing stuff like...

"You are so wonderful. I want you to promise to suck my todger for at least 15 minutes a day or you can't be that special person no more. Having my todger sucked is an integral part of my pseudo-Macdonald Hamburgarian lifestyle in the land of Sushi and Slavery.. which, yes reminds me to say that from this moment you are my slave and will say thank you."

Got it? Good. Now say THANK YOU!

[5 Elements Style]

Originally Posted by Mandrake

Rather than writing some smurfy fantasy island monolog ...[snip]

Got it? Good. Now say THANK YOU!

I don't take crap from a guy who writes a journal with his significant other. Dude, does she make you wear the same sweatshirt when you go out together, too? You need to get back in the driver's seat and make a legally binding contract with your woman that says whenever she fails to suck your todger for 15 minutes or more a day, you get a date with her hot friend.

Sorry, that is my kneejerk masculine reaction to your pussified idea; I am a romantic at heart and think writing a journal together is kinda sweet. Can you give us a few excerpts? We'd all be interested, especially the guy posing as an author and asking us to write him stories.

[5 Elements Style]

Originally Posted by kurogane

Umm, she did mention that you were much much bigger, and had a much richer style, if that helps at all.

Forgive me? I hope it can be the way it was before with us.................................

Thanks, that does help actually. And it takes a big man to admit that, Kuro. Not as big a man as me, it seems, but still, big.

And no chick will ever come between your barbarian steel and my 5 Elements Style again.

[Yamazaki]

Originally Posted by 5 Elements Style

You need to get back in the driver's seat and make a legally binding contract with your woman that says whenever she fails to suck your todger for 15 minutes or more a day, you get a date with her hot friend.

Are you this guy?! http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive...contract1.html

But seriously, I have never understood people who get back together with exes. Move on, I say! Why did you get back together? I don't know, seems you are not so tremendously interested in her. Am I wrong? It is, as mentioned by many people, not a healthy relationship when there is no trust... To me, it sounds like it is time to move on, either for her or you.

[Malcom]

Originally Posted by 5 Elements Style

Is it time to dump her and break her heart?

From what I can tell, she'll be over you in seconds.

Do her a favour and get your waste of space out of hers.

[Cupid]

Why are you worried. Accept her for what she is, a j-girl.

If you've got nothing to hide you've still got plenty to be worried about.

My exj-girl went through my floor... err "how?" I hear you ask? and "why?" . Well... she got down on her hands and knees...pulled out her trusty hankie (the one that is not allowed for blowing boogers onto), rolled it into a neat little CSI detection kit and scraped my bedroom floor for evidence. She was looking for any strand of hair other than mine and hers. She found a single blonde hair 12 inches longer than anything I could ever have grown, and asked me where it came from. I told her I had no idea and "if you think I'm cheating on you then check again because the only girls that have been in my bed had thick black j-hairs like yours". End of conversation...I didn't see her again.

Stop the rot before it sets in. There's plenty more sushi in the sea.

I still have no idea who's hair that was.