Boyfriend's Mother

[guyjean]

I am wondering what to do so thought I would ask for advice here as there is really no one I can ask. I am a Canandian male, 37 and currenly live with my Japanese boyfriend in the Kanto area. He is 44 we met in Vancouver about 5 years ago. Everything has been fine up till now, but now I am wondering what to do. The problem is his mother is quite old 81 and needs him to take care of her. His mother wants him to move in with her to help take care of her. She lives alone. He has a half sister somewhere but she hasn't been heard from for over 12 years. He wants me to go with him to help take care of his mother, but I am having second thoughts. She lives in a small town in Northern Japan. Will I be accepted in this small town as the 'friend' of my lover? His mother knows about me. She is quite a well known person in her town and my boyfriend doesn't think there will be a problem. She used to own several bars. The good thing is that she is very well off financially and has offered to build a small house on her property for us. I know Japan does not recognize same-sex marriages, so would there be any rights I have if we moved in with his mother? Would I have any rights to her property after she dies? She has offered to adopt me so I would be able to stay in Japan, would I have to use her name? is this a good idea?

I want to spend the rest of my life with my lover, but I don't know if living in a small town in Japan is for me. Any advice would be helpful.

i reckon being adopted by the mother is the next best thing to being married. and since same sex marriages are not allowed in japan, i think this is your only option. you will then be eligible for japanese citizenship or at least permanent residence. i think you will find that people in small towns are way more accepting than people in metropolitan areas... why dont you give it a trial period?

Originally Posted by guyjean

The good thing is that she is very well off financially and has offered to build a small house on her property for us. I know Japan does not recognize same-sex marriages, so would there be any rights I have if we moved in with his mother? Would I have any rights to her property after she dies? She has offered to adopt me so I would be able to stay in Japan, would I have to use her name? is this a good idea?

I want to spend the rest of my life with my lover, but I don't know if living in a small town in Japan is for me. Any advice would be helpful.

Same-sex marriages are not recognised in japan and though homosexual couples do exist in Japan, most are in the closet. You have no legal rights to her property unless she decides to leave it to you in her will. You are not a blood relative or related by marriage and you cant marry your boyfriend, civil or otherwise, in japan.

If she wants to adopt you thats her choice, but i would consult a lawyer just in case.

rural areas in Japan outside the big cities, especially in places like Akita, Yamagata etc are the farm belt of Japan. extremely conservative and though you wont get hate mail or anything like that, people are prone to gossip. People will know you are someones boyfriend before the month is out, if people already know the son is gay.

My only advice would be to face it head-on. Obviously you have nothing to be ashamed of but you worry about what people might think. If they want to think its abnormal, well, let them. you cant legislate peoples attitudes.

[April]

After reading your post I can't see what the problem is!!

All I see is one nervous, anxious, unsure person. Very much like cold feet before a wedding!

paulh... the inaka is waaaaaaay more accepting of idiocyncracies than the city... trust me... especially if the mother had snack bars.. they already accept her as not part of the mainstream. i am sure they know that her son is gay... and trust me, in a week or two, the gossip will be old news and everyone will go back to watching the rice grow.

Originally Posted by eku

paulh... the inaka is waaaaaaay more accepting of idiocyncracies than the city... trust me... especially if the mother had snack bars.. they already accept her as not part of the mainstream. i am sure they know that her son is gay... and trust me, in a week or two, the gossip will be old news and everyone will go back to watching the rice grow.

All I can suggest is dont think of running for town mayor quite just yet. People are more down to earth and open I have found. Many of them have probably not even met a boyfriend of her sons and may be quite curious.

[guyjean]

Really thank you for the advice. I'm not planning to run for mayor and I'm not worried about the people there so much. Everyone knows about my boyfriend, it is a small town and his mother knows lots of other things about other people in that town, including the mayor. I just am wondering about my legal status and rights as Japan does not recognize same sex relationships, but there are lots of them, I just wondered how others have mananged it. I know about my boyfriend adopting me so we would be legal that way or his mother adopting me as her son. I just wondered if anybody had any other information for somebody in my position.

Thanks again

Originally Posted by guyjean

Really thank you for the advice. I'm not planning to run for mayor and I'm not worried about the people there so much. Everyone knows about my boyfriend, it is a small town and his mother knows lots of other things about other people in that town, including the mayor. I just am wondering about my legal status and rights as Japan does not recognize same sex relationships, but there are lots of them, I just wondered how others have mananged it. I know about my boyfriend adopting me so we would be legal that way or his mother adopting me as her son. I just wondered if anybody had any other information for somebody in my position.

Thanks again

I dont want to be too blunt but unless you are Japanese and have a family register you are officially and to all intents and purposes a non-person in Japan. You are almost legally invisible. To the locals we are merely visitors and guests to this rock who think that some day we will go back to where we came from.

I have a wife and kids here and am only recognised as a spouse of a japanese national, not a person in my own right. get divorced i have no legal rights what so ever.

This is japan, unless you are Japanese, legally you dont exist. get adopted or become Japanese, even then to most people here you are still a gaijin.

[canadamanada]

Interesting that if you were adopted by your BF's mother, you would be your Boyfriend's brother, n if he adopted you, you wold be bangin your father. Wild!
But seriously, I think you won't have too much trouble, just don't expect too much, and take things in your stride. I live in "northern" Japan. What town is it? Maybe not as "inaka" as you think.

I can't see a big problem only a little gossip here and there. but as a Gaijin you will become used to that anyway. just because you are gay won't change the minds of people here. Follow eku's advice and you won't go wrong.

[guyjean]

Originally Posted by canadamanada

Interesting that if you were adopted by your BF's mother, you would be your Boyfriend's brother, n if he adopted you, you wold be bangin your father. Wild!
But seriously, I think you won't have too much trouble, just don't expect too much, and take things in your stride. I live in "northern" Japan. What town is it? Maybe not as "inaka" as you think.

The town is Kuji. Really I knew what it was going to be like to be a gaijin in Japan before I decided to come. It doesn't bother me what people think. My problem is just worrying about how I will be treated. I just couldn't take kids throwing stones at me or something like that.

Originally Posted by guyjean

My problem is just worrying about how I will be treated. I just couldn't take kids throwing stones at me or something like that.

I don't think things like that would happen, the worst would be a few pointed fingers and and gossip behind the hands of a few old ladies. But show me a westerner that hasn't had that happen, and I will show you someone who hasn't been off the beaten track in Japan

Originally Posted by guyjean

The town is Kuji. Really I knew what it was going to be like to be a gaijin in Japan before I decided to come. It doesn't bother me what people think. My problem is just worrying about how I will be treated. I just couldn't take kids throwing stones at me or something like that.

Go to China or Korea and I expect you would experience some negative attention.

Japan is a fairly advanced country, foreigners have been coming here since the Meiji period and there are gays and lesbians in the big city an dto most people its no big deal. Most Japanese dont have religious or moral hangups about gays like in the west.( there is no 'God' in japan to strike you down and hate crimes are unheard of.

You will be an object of curiousity and as long as you treat people as you want to be treated you will be fine, even little kids. The worst you will get is 5 year olds pointing and whispering 'gaijin'. They dont teach gay intolerance in school here.


PS there are a quite a few TV talents in japan that are transexual or cross-dressers as well.

dont listen to paul... he is bitter at the moment

go and stay there for a month or two... trust me... the baachans will be more interested in asking you if you have a OOKII ________ than where you do or dont stick it...
in old times homosexuality was part of a heterosexual mans sexual appetite... the baachans will find nothing strange about it... and no kids are going to throw stones at you. they might do the normal pointy finger gaijin gaijin thing... but that happens everywhere.

where i live there is a guy who likes to crossdress and ride the inaka train... looks wise he is just a normal guy with a guys haircut, hairy legs and a 5 oclock shadow... but he dresses up in fishnet tights and a petticoat, high heels and a fur coat.. thats it.. and everybody says konnichiwa to him like there is nothing strange...
your MIL to be (or mom to be) if she owned snackbars, knows ALL the sordid secrets of the area anyway... ppl are going to be careful what they say about her family

go for it... and come back and tell us about it in a months time.

[donpaulo]

I am going to agree with eks. Boyfriend wants you there, mom is willing to have you there (if not more than willing)

I say go for it.

you may experience a whole new aspect of your relationship as well as learning more about your boyfriend through his mother.

[wendyinjapan]

[QUOTE
go and stay there for a month or two... trust me... the baachans will be more interested in asking you if you have a OOKII ________ than where you do or dont stick it...
in old times homosexuality was part of a heterosexual mans sexual appetite... the baachans will find nothing strange about it... and no kids are going to throw stones at you. they might do the normal pointy finger gaijin gaijin thing... but that happens everywhere.

where i live there is a guy who likes to crossdress and ride the inaka train... looks wise he is just a normal guy with a guys haircut, hairy legs and a 5 oclock shadow... but he dresses up in fishnet tights and a petticoat, high heels and a fur coat.. thats it.. and everybody says konnichiwa to him like there is nothing strange...
your MIL to be (or mom to be) if she owned snackbars, knows ALL the sordid secrets of the area anyway... ppl are going to be careful what they say about her family

go for it... and come back and tell us about it in a months time.

[/quote]

Excellent advice. And as I can only live vicariously, yes, please do come back and tell us how it all turned out.
Best of luck,
W.

[guyjean]

Originally Posted by wendyinjapan

Excellent advice. And as I can only live vicariously, yes, please do come back and tell us how it all turned out.
Best of luck,
W.

Thank you for all of your kind words and advice. I am going to do it ,which is actually what I had decided before I came to Japan. I just wanted to hear what some others thought before I took the plunge. Like you say, I can always give it a trial period before making any lasting committments. I didn't mention but my boyfriend wants to start a bar/restaurant in one of his mother's places and I'll help him do this which appeals to me.

Anyway will let you know how things work out.

Thanks again.

Originally Posted by guyjean

Thank you for all of your kind words and advice. I am going to do it ,which is actually what I had decided before I came to Japan. I just wanted to hear what some others thought before I took the plunge. Like you say, I can always give it a trial period before making any lasting committments. I didn't mention but my boyfriend wants to start a bar/restaurant in one of his mother's places and I'll help him do this which appeals to me.

Anyway will let you know how things work out.

Thanks again.

ganbatte !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
invite us to the grand opening

[donpaulo]

Originally Posted by guyjean

Thank you for all of your kind words and advice. I am going to do it ,which is actually what I had decided before I came to Japan. I just wanted to hear what some others thought before I took the plunge. Like you say, I can always give it a trial period before making any lasting committments. I didn't mention but my boyfriend wants to start a bar/restaurant in one of his mother's places and I'll help him do this which appeals to me.

Anyway will let you know how things work out.

Thanks again.

how well do you cook ? or entertain ?
if you are somewhat accomplished in either area your little business could be hit. Your boyfriends family is obviously accomplished in this aspect so you have the inside track.

so you have the love and support of your boyfriend, the respect of his mother and the chance at a new job on top of all that !

the stars are shining for you.

how is your japanese ?

[aikidosuki]

Originally Posted by guyjean

Thank you for all of your kind words and advice. I am going to do it ,which is actually what I had decided before I came to Japan. I just wanted to hear what some others thought before I took the plunge. Like you say, I can always give it a trial period before making any lasting committments. I didn't mention but my boyfriend wants to start a bar/restaurant in one of his mother's places and I'll help him do this which appeals to me.

Anyway will let you know how things work out.

Thanks again.

hi! a little late, but this thread is interesting.

so, did things work out?

[Hijinx]

I would think that being out and open about it would make the situation better--maybe be a bit flamboyant about it. It seems, judging from TV, there are many out and proud gay talents who are very much accepted.

[nihonde]

OK, you're getting lots of advice. Now some from a North American gay man living in a small village in a rural area with his Japanese partner. Your potential future life has been my life for six years now.

First of all, how lucky you are to have a parter's mother who is so open and accepting (and being financially secure doesn't hurt!). That being said, I doubt that her asopting you would give you any residence or nationality rights, although it would certainly give you some inheritance rights, even if you later moved back to Canada. So you would have to see what you could do to get a visa to live there. My suggestion would be to get an English teaching job with some junk chain language school company just to get the visa, quit the job after 2 or 3 months, and then go to your village. That would give you 3 years to decide how you like the place and your situation and what you could do to keep a visa.

As to the reaction of the people, being a foreigner takes you out of the realm of judgement, especially if you are white. Until you do something nasty or show that you are definitely unfriendly or evil, country people will be at best shy-friendly and at worst ignoring-you-neutral. No rocks. No burning crosses.

The only gay-related negative is just how dumb so many straight people here are (my apologies to any non-gay contributors, but....). Even though I am single, living openly with a man, approaching middle age, and don't date women, I still get friendly older people asking if I need help finding a marriage partner. And since I am not the stereotypical feminine gay, it seems not to occur to them that maybe I just like guys and that my "housemate" and I do more than play goh at night. To someone from hip Vancouver, that would certainly take some getting used to.

You should be very aware of the pressure that your Japanese partner will get that you will be immune to. A lot of that pressure will be internal, but nevertheless real. Be patient.

As for all the other hassles you will face, they will be not so very different from those of other gaijin, so check the other threads. But to get some more opinions from inside the community, you might like to check out www.JguyUSguy.org.

And yeah, country people here are real. I was away for two months, and my neighbour across the road, an older man, met up with my partner one day and said he knew it must be really hard and lonely to be in the house without me around. Maybe straight people in your neighbourhood speak from the heart like that. Mine in North America didn't.

Do us all a big favour, eh? Do let us know how this saga plays out. And give that Japanese mother a big hug from us all!

[kurogane]

Originally Posted by nihonde

The only gay-related negative is just how dumb so many straight people here are (my apologies to any non-gay contributors, but....). Even though I am single, living openly with a man, approaching middle age, and don't date women, I still get friendly older people asking if I need help finding a marriage partner. And since I am not the stereotypical feminine gay, it seems not to occur to them that maybe I just like guys and that my "housemate" and I do more than play goh at night. To someone from hip Vancouver, that would certainly take some getting used to.!

Great thoughtful post, man, but as someone who is not homosexually blessed, but who lived in a village of 600 for several years, I would like to counter:

man, you dumb. And I say that in a constructive, sexually orientation neutral way

Gay is not even on their radar, and even if it were, it certainly wouldn't interfere with marriage, procreation, or any of the other accoutrements associated with leading a Normal Life. Gay is what you do because you want to, but it shouldn't interfere with the execution of your duties. The marriage arrangement suggestions may well be entirely sincere, but I suspect a healthy hint of prescriptive medicine for your "predicament" (I'm from Vangroover, so don't worry that I actually care how you choose to live your happy and healthy life, btw). Also, I don't know where you are, but bacherlood has always been a way of life for a certain percentage of rural maledom, and increasingly, it is a growing problem. As for the expression of sympathies while your BF is away, that is pretty standard. "Alone" is a legitimate social disease in rural Japan.

As a single male new in the village, until an ally spread a rumour of seeing me in town with a young woman on my arm, I had to deal with a whole raft of asinine comments and insinuations regarding my sexual orientation. Foolishly, I chose not to refute them, and, as a partial result, was driven from the village for six months.

It sounds as though where you call home is much mellower, or at least more accepting of the cooperative fiction you all construct there. Is your partner from there, or are you both extra-local? Either way, I hope you aren't stridently naively enough to ruin what sounds like a beautiful fiction with any militant Homosexual Agenda.

To paraphrase the BumHeaded Guy at the end of that weird Star Trek episode where Spock steals the Enterprise and returns his crippled former Captain, Chris Pike, to Planet Bum Head to live out his life in their idyllic illusions:

"I wish my illusion had been as pleasurable."

Banzai.

[April]

"My suggestion would be to get an English teaching job with some junk chain language school company just to get the visa, quit the job after 2 or 3 months, and then go to your village. That would give you 3 years to decide how you like the place and your situation and what you could do to keep a visa."

Things have changed regarding the visa situation (yet again). In the Kanto region at least, the general go is you get a one year visa upon application, then another one year after renewal, and then *finally* a 3 year visa with the second renewal.

Also, please check this because I am not 100% sure, but the working visa will expire if you quit your job and don't find another one within 3 months. This is only a recent change too. (I haven't checked the proper website, just heard it from someone at work)

[guyjean]

First I should apologize for not letting the people who cared know how things worked out like I promised. We filed the papers for my adoption by my partner a little over a month ago. It took about 30 minutes at the city office. The only confusion was deciding how my alien card should be registered, they made a few calls somewhere to check and decided it should be made to show the name on my passport. Then I submitted all the documents to the immigration office. About a week later they informed my my visa was approved, one year to start.

I may work in a school here or start my own, but we are really quite busy with my father's snack/restaurant at the moment. A lot of people have come around just to meet me I think. Word travels fast in this small town. I have been making up some dishes to offer at the restaurant and it is a little difficult to find things Japanese people will like. But I am enjoying it very much. That was my wish in coming here.

I will take your advise and be satisfied with the small acomplishments. I just hope they will keep coming.

My partners mother is a very strong willed person but very kind to me. I gave her a hug for everyone and she returns the same. Thank you again for your well wishes and I hope the same for you.

GJ

[aikidosuki]

good luck and a good life to you (^_^)/