Friends decrease inevitable?

[Hud$on]

I got nobody else to turn to about this, so Gaijinpot I ask your advice.

I have been living in Tokyo for about 4 years now, and I have found that since finishing Uni the number of my friends has decreased steadily year on year.

It is not so much they dissapear but become more like acquaintances. I have an address book of about 70 people of which I would only call 3 my friends. Of these three I meet them maybe once a month.

I work a lot of overtime, and I am out of the country about 4 times a year. This doesn`t help.

I go out social dancing about twice a week and meet about 5-15 new people each time. But I find that people want to dance with me, not talk. It isn`t good to meet people.

I suppose my problem is that I spend my weekends with the girlfriend or on my own studying or reading or dancing, or just thinking.

I have been through "severe" depression a few years back at Uni and I never want to do that again. Ever. I can feel that this situation is heading towards that again and I am a bit scared to be honest. I don`t think I could manage this time.

I am by no means socially retarded (except on early Monday mornings), and my language ability does not stand in the way of making meaningful relationships.

I just wanted to know if anyone has felt like this? I know Japan can be a lonely place. But I don`t want it to be. I just want some people who I can call my friends and it actually mean something.


"Help me Obi-wan, you`re my only hope".

[~Murasaki~]

I am sorry for your situation. I am the opposite. The longer I stay here the more friend I have made. These are geninue friends though. Not people who use me for english lessons. We have things in common and enjoy each others company.

Maybe you need to find new interests and associate with different people. It seems like you are in a rut right now.

[Oiler]

Try getting involved in some sort of clubs, sports or whatever. I felt like that a few times while in Japan. I took up running again and started entering races in different prefectures. It was a great excuse to travel and I felt more connected to Japan in a way.

It seems that you've lost a feeling of being connected. Get involved.

Originally Posted by Hud$on

....I work a lot of overtime....

Me too, and I believe it's one of the main reasons for feeling left out. Inviting friends after ten o'clock on weekdays to go for a bite and a few drinks usually doesn't work. The weekends are just about it and then again, if your friends are Japanese you need to plan your get-togethers well in advance. Also, Japanese tend to meet up outside of the home while foreigners are more likely to invite people to their place. Something to do with privacy or their place not being large or neat enough.

[Touky]

I think as time passes, people`s interests change (mature?) and it is perfectly natural for friends to focus more on their own lives and families. So I sometimes feel the same way with the number of friends starting to decrease but that`s just how life goes. I agree that you should focus on your interests or hobbies that you enjoy, or think you`d enjoy, and find some clubs for those hobbies to join. You can try looking on the Metropolis website under `Join the Club` or look at the community events section on the Japan Times website (http://www.japantimes.co.jp/life/com...listings.html).

And if you are ever feeling really bummed, just go buy a cake! Less friends means more cake for you!

[Hud$on]

Thanks for the replies so far guys.

The OT is a killer for your social life. Which mostly leaves the weekends.

I have been trying to get involved with some Unicef work in Hanzomon, but I can`t do it as work is in the way. I feel connected to a very small world. Outside of that is is just the cold, gray, monotony of riding the train to work. I feels very lonely to be around so many people, and yet still be alone.

Everytime I walk home I hope someone will speak to me, ask directions, anything. There have been days where I have spoken less than 10 words to other people.

I guess I need to make more of an effort. In relation to contacting and arranging to meet people. And also meeting people in clubs or through friends of friends.

I buy cake twice a month, or ice cream. It doesn`t work though. But I still buy it.

[the_pink_tako_yaki]

Originally Posted by ~Murasaki~

I am sorry for your situation. I am the opposite. The longer I stay here the more friend I have made. These are geninue friends though. Not people who use me for english lessons. We have things in common and enjoy each others company.

Maybe you need to find new interests and associate with different people. It seems like you are in a rut right now.

Yeah I have this situation too. I've made A LOT of new friends in Tokyo...

but I can feel for the OP. Cuz most of the people I knew in uni just kinda disappeared after graduating. I mean, we know how to contact each other and drop a line every now and then, but I feel like our lives are so different now that we hardly even know each other anymore. I thought it was partly cuz I moved to Japan after graduating but even the few I'm still close with in the US have said pretty much the same thing happened to them. A lot of people got jobs or got married and some even have kids now and they just don't socialize much anymore.

Even before graduating, some friends graduated a year ahead of me and they also vanished from the group of friends once they got full time jobs, and started hanging out with their coworkers instead the few times they actually did go out.

Anyway, as suggested, find some people with similar hobbies/interests. It'll make it much easier to meet with them more than once a month so they'll become more like "regular" friends soon.

[Touky]

I really understand how you feel when you say you feel so alone even though you are surrounded by people. On my commute home yesterday, I was in the middle of an extremely crowded special commuter train (the kind where you literally can`t move) and I actually thought it was kind of nice to have human contact, even on that level. I always miss hugs from family and friends back home.

[Hud$on]

Originally Posted by Touky

I really understand how you feel when you say you feel so alone even though you are surrounded by people. On my commute home yesterday, I was in the middle of an extremely crowded special commuter train (the kind where you literally can`t move) and I actually thought it was kind of nice to have human contact, even on that level. I always miss hugs from family and friends back home.

I know what you mean.

I really don`t want to talk about my gf on an internet forum, but I have been pushing her about her lack of `skinship` too. It just seems like so much less than relationships I`ve had back home. I guess it makes it all the more precious, but it is something I cannot live without.

Being accustomed to living in Japan can also lead to being un-used to a lack of physical contact. Of course not always. But you really notice it after a few years.

Tonight I might snuggle up to the fat old bucho who gets the train same as me always...

or not.

[Matti]

I, too, am interested in this phenomenon.

At first I wrote it off as something that settles in with age - and as something that gets a little bit extra boosted by the general apathy everyone in a metropolis feels against the myriad upon myriad of workerbees roaming the streets with buzz-like effectivness.

But it wasn't always like this; quickly recalling the younger days when everybody was- or very much wanted to be your friend, you ponder, wtf happened? Did I turn that grumpy?

Of course not. Pft.

Instead, you figured you just learnt to see through false, pretentious exteriors, disguising itself in some sort of faux interest in "foreign culture" by the locals. In reality they were just out after a little bit of nothing sprinkled with some fun.

Now, naturally, you crave more. And finding something meaningful in a seemingly bottomless basket of these meaningless encounters is hard. Those deep, meaningful relationship they talk about in the movies, that's where it is at.

What to do? Hugging the ol bucho on the train is only a temporary fix. Eyeing the place you call your home might be the way to go.

Unless you call here your home, despite what the locals think of that notion. 'f you do that then there is a problem.

And those gaijins on the street, they're probably just too boring or dumb to understand the unique situation you are in, aren't they. Well, 9 drones out of 10. Besides, you came here for the culture experience, why talk to them?

And here it is. The culture experience. A pale ghostlike shade of human, riding the Yamanote, to a Japanese company that did seem like some sort of milestone for foreigners to have gotten into.




.


.


Naah, haha just kidding. ____ man, head on down to the pabu down the corner, get pissed, then dryhump that increasingly sexy bucho of yours. It'd be fun, and people laughing at that on the train can make great friends. Screw taking babysteps, and if you get kicked out of the country in time then all the merrier. It wasn't the right place anyway.

[White_C]

Great post here and I have felt the same!

I notice that my best friends are the ones that live within an easy distance from my house or work. The ones that are most convenient to meet by driving or walking distance. The ones that live a little ways away also have their own lives and their circle most convenient to them. I have found that I have friends that I meet about once a year even though time seems to go fast.

There are several factors to this. Friend who have boyfriends/girlfriends tend to devote most of their time to them. They even put their bf/gf ahead of family time too. People can be so whipped here and it drives me crazy that boyfriends or girlfriends put a curfew on their partner. I can only meet some of the friends til 10pm or their boyfriend starts calling like crazy.

Japanese people tend not to be the most persistent people too. I notice that I am always the one doing all of the inviting and never get an invite in return. I always asked my friends to invite me if they have a gokon but they will go on and have them consistently without asking me. I hardly ever meet a Japanese guy who will call me up out of the blue and say, "hey, let's go have a drink at the bar." I am always that guy.

No disrespect to Tokyo but I live in Osaka and all of my friends that moved to Tokyo seem to get swallowed up and they lose touch with outside civilization. I am not sure if they get overwhelmed by the rat race out there but I don't here from people unless I call them. Then when I make a trip to Tokyo, they are too busy to meet. I think that Kansai friends are a lot more reliable and open to meet. Plus I think a lot of Kansai people live with their parents so they are trying to get the hell out.

[sunao]

Originally Posted by Hud$on

I got nobody else to turn to about this, so Gaijinpot I ask your advice.

I have been living in Tokyo for about 4 years now, and I have found that since finishing Uni the number of my friends has decreased steadily year on year.

It is not so much they dissapear but become more like acquaintances. I have an address book of about 70 people of which I would only call 3 my friends. Of these three I meet them maybe once a month.

I work a lot of overtime, and I am out of the country about 4 times a year. This doesn`t help.

I go out social dancing about twice a week and meet about 5-15 new people each time. But I find that people want to dance with me, not talk. It isn`t good to meet people.

I suppose my problem is that I spend my weekends with the girlfriend or on my own studying or reading or dancing, or just thinking.

I have been through "severe" depression a few years back at Uni and I never want to do that again. Ever. I can feel that this situation is heading towards that again and I am a bit scared to be honest. I don`t think I could manage this time.

I am by no means socially retarded (except on early Monday mornings), and my language ability does not stand in the way of making meaningful relationships.

I just wanted to know if anyone has felt like this? I know Japan can be a lonely place. But I don`t want it to be. I just want some people who I can call my friends and it actually mean something.


"Help me Obi-wan, you`re my only hope".

Hey Hudson... I really understand what you're talking about. I emphasized the sentence above because I feel the same -- I recently got a new phone and decided only to put in the numbers of people I really considered friends, those people that I talk to/email regularly. And now I hardly have any numbers in there!

I have 2 very close female friends, and we have a night out (usually just dinner together somewhere) once a week. They are both married and one has a child, so it tends to limit the time we spend together otherwise. Other than that, I spend a lot of evenings after work alone.

Yeah, I have a boyfriend, but the relationship's fairly new and he's been really busy recently, so I don't spend a lot of time with him, even on weekends.

So maybe I should get out and join a club, play sports, etc. but I'm more comfortable in smaller groups of people. For example, I'd rather go out for drinks with 3-5 people than join a party with 20+. And I've had similar experiences as White_C with Japanese people... I find it hard to make a connection with them that results in a strong friendship.

There's more I want to say on this topic but I'm not feeling very articulate at the moment and my thoughts are all over the place. I think I need dinner and to think about it a bit more.

Anyway, sorry I haven't offered any advice but I feel I'm in the same boat, too.

[hairyass]

Originally Posted by sunao

Hey Hudson... I really understand what you're talking about. I emphasized the sentence above because I feel the same -- I recently got a new phone and decided only to put in the numbers of people I really considered friends, those people that I talk to/email regularly. And now I hardly have any numbers in there!

Anyway, sorry I haven't offered any advice but I feel I'm in the same boat, too.

Lonely in a crowd. A keitei full of numbers you have no desire to call. The worst type of lonely. In a country that makes being lonely an artform.

And I know!

A few years ago I was you. Because of my business surrounded by phoney Japanese and gaijin. No real relationships. Isolated.

Easy to get depressed. Easy to drink.

Was it a character flaw? I don't think so.

Was it a desire to be accepted as part of the circle. Yes (though once you understand the circle is also a fallacy, life becomes much easier).

Was it Japan? Partly so.

Was I suicidal? No.

Did it affect my ability to function as me? Definately yes.

What did I do?

During my deepest, darkest hours I called TELL. Knowing there is another human in Japan that cares (and has the patience to listen)at such times can really help.

Longer term, I looked at my life and made some decisions that improved the quality. This included location, my effort to engage Japanese people as me (not as what they want/expect to see) and who I chose to spend time with (getting the crap out of your life or in your case, cleaning the keitei, can be a really good feeling).

Going back to basics also helped. Good vibes from my MP3 on that packed train. Smiling/flirting with pretty women. Calling good friends outside of Japan and re-living old times. Whatever helps you.

No easy answers on this one. One thing that helped me through it was knowing it was only a stage in life and that it would pass.

It did.

Stay strong.

Hairy

[cleanfixed]

Originally Posted by Hud$on

Thanks for the replies so far guys.

The OT is a killer for your social life. Which mostly leaves the weekends..........Everytime I walk home I hope someone will speak to me, ask directions, anything. There have been days where I have spoken less than 10 words to other people.

I feel for you, not a nice situation!

What kind of job do you have? I mean - less than 10 words - damn man, dont you have any colleagues?..

Hope you get better

On a more positive note, I bet there are lots of posters spending time on gaijinPot just for the reasons the OP has described. I also bet that this thread will continue to gather posts from people who are the same boat or at least are getting on board. I'm one of them and my name is Robert Paulson. I miss my Sunday meatloaf!

[rubirosa]

Originally Posted by Hud$on

I got nobody else to turn to about this, so Gaijinpot I ask your advice.

I have been living in Tokyo for about 4 years now, and I have found that since finishing Uni the number of my friends has decreased steadily year on year.

It is not so much they dissapear but become more like acquaintances. I have an address book of about 70 people of which I would only call 3 my friends. Of these three I meet them maybe once a month.

I work a lot of overtime, and I am out of the country about 4 times a year. This doesn`t help.

I go out social dancing about twice a week and meet about 5-15 new people each time. But I find that people want to dance with me, not talk. It isn`t good to meet people.

I suppose my problem is that I spend my weekends with the girlfriend or on my own studying or reading or dancing, or just thinking.

I have been through "severe" depression a few years back at Uni and I never want to do that again. Ever. I can feel that this situation is heading towards that again and I am a bit scared to be honest. I don`t think I could manage this time.

I am by no means socially retarded (except on early Monday mornings), and my language ability does not stand in the way of making meaningful relationships.

I just wanted to know if anyone has felt like this? I know Japan can be a lonely place. But I don`t want it to be. I just want some people who I can call my friends and it actually mean something.


"Help me Obi-wan, you`re my only hope".

You aren't the only one. I have some friends who I used to hang out with all the time, real nice people who I really like and when I see them at the yearly bonenkai we say to each other "Man, I haven't seen you in a year, let's get together real soon". Then we call each other and try to hook up there is just never any time.

Sounds like you are a pretty normal guy to me.

Tons of good times with lots of friends at a younger age turns into a lot of work and hanging out with your ol' lady during your time off when you get a little older.

Use the little time you have to hang out with the real good friends you have and let the not so good friends slip away.

And don't forget to treat you ol' lady right.

[donpaulo]

well for starters you are on the right track with the MAJOR difference between friends and acquaintances. Most folks never know the difference and use the word friend incorrectly. The 3 friends you have ? you should make time for them. What things you have in common is what will keep them close. I hope for your sake it isn't simply tipping a pint ... as is many an acquaintance at college.

Secondly staying engaged with some sort of meaningful activity is a fine idea, but I would go one step further. Find something you like to do that has a social element. Dancing was a nice idea but it seems that its lacking in what you seek, kick it to the curb and find something else. If you are enjoying it and can meet folks its a bonus. I found Roto sports to be a great way to stay in touch with many of my friends back home and I have met some great new folks too. Granted its the net but they are in the US and I in Japan so I wasn't going to plan a meeting anytime soon. Skype is available, use it. Or a games club, I know there is one in Tokyo about once a month. Or instead of social dancing consider hip hop, there are a ton of freeters out there. I see them dancing in my local JR station every Tuesday and Saturday. Tons of options available to you.

thirdly never underestimate someone based upon looks alone, if companionship err friendship err that kindred spirit is what you seek you never know what package it will come in. For example I worked a few summers at a camp for the physically handicapped, the kids were great and there were a ton of families and friends who came to the camp, then again the camp had alot of activities ... you can help someone and meet others through them. Not to sound overly harsh but if you meet someone who has a very different life experience than you but that person can enjoy the simple things in life they can teach you something. You simply have to be there to see and share it with them.

fourthly depression is an illness, but you knew that already. If you need meds take them mate, they keep you stable. Instability interferes with your personal life goals. Sometimes just willing yourself to be "well" don't work. Know enough to know when to get help.

fifthly if you are passive and wait for someone to talk with you, its gonna be a longer wait than if you make the effort.

lastly if your job has all these downside factors perhaps you should consider preparing for a career change.

[kaptain_krispy]

with 7 peeps from college and now that # has dwindled to 3 (after 10+ yrs). I havent made 4 friends to replace the "lost ones" but Ive had enough meaningful interactions in J
and USA to keep me sane.

The people I lost contact with were never really my friends in the 1st place though. It takes **time and luck** to make deep friendships so dont feel bad. You never know who will end up being a friend, so stay positive, get out there and do something you **enjoy.** That way, even if you dont make new friends, you will still come away with a new skill, etc. As peeps get older, they usually have family/kids
to take care of, so yes it's harder to make a connection if you're single.

[Hud$on]

It is great to hear from people, I feel like I am not the only person like this at all.

Sunao - I might try the keitai cleaning, softbank is way too expensive anyhow. Docomo here I come.

Hairy - I am going to try more to engage people, and also people who I usually wouldn`t.
I used to find that I would seek and end to conversations with people as soon as I could. It is a horrible habit that doesn`t help at all. And listening to music on the train changes the atmosphere completely, sometimes the silence is the most depressing factor.

I`m going back home at xmas to see the family, and will see the couple of uni friends I have there. Moving to Japan and not speaking has made those relationships a bit more distant.

Clean fixed - My job? Ten words.. erm, textile industry, overseas production, travel, exhibitions for clothes line, overtime.
I wasn`t aware that working in the fashion/ textiles industry most companies work so late. The young staff in my company all leave around 9pm, and I am the only foreign staff here along with a Chinese girl.
I get on well with everyone but work get-togethers are few and far between. I get on well with the Presidents wife, we have to work a lot together. But she will never become a friend.


Rubirosa - Thanks for saying I seem normal, I thought it was just me stuck in this boat.
The old lady gets well taken care of, when she gives me the time too. She is also very busy but we really enjoy the time we spend together, almost so that it becomes an escape from any stress we have from work etc.

Don - I am not a big drinker, a glass of Chianti with my pasta is about as much as I give myself.
My best friends are from the dance thing, they all joined separate teams so the only time I see them is in a club, it is hard to have a meaningful conversation when there is music on and people asking you to dance.
I can never quit the dancing, I need it. The old lady has some dance performance at a hip-hop club this weekend she asked me to come along so I`m hoping to meet a few new people there.
I am trying not to be as passive as I was, this helps a lot. And the job change/career change is in year 2 of a 3 year plan. So on schedule as of now.


I feel like I just need to make more effort and good things will come of it. You can meet new people everyday right?

[Majolie]

About severe depression while in University. I had that too...felt like drowning. Im glad you came here for help, if you neglect it it will happen again. msg me sometime. I would love to be your internet friend. - Lina

[RonBurgundy]

Sir, you are what they call normal. Privacy and isolation should be Japans motto. I find visiting my Scothish friend Walker and his Mexican compadre Cuervo important in regaining my composure when everyday feels like yesterday.

[sunao]

Originally Posted by RonBurgundy

Sir, you are what they call normal. Privacy and isolation should be Japans motto. I find visiting my Scothish friend Walker and his Mexican compadre Cuervo important in regaining my composure when everyday feels like yesterday.

Having a laugh helps, too. Thanks for this post, Ron.
Oh, and your avatar

[qoo12]

Originally Posted by Hud$on

I got nobody else to turn to about this, so Gaijinpot I ask your advice.

I have been living in Tokyo for about 4 years now, and I have found that since finishing Uni the number of my friends has decreased steadily year on year.

It is not so much they dissapear but become more like acquaintances. I have an address book of about 70 people of which I would only call 3 my friends. Of these three I meet them maybe once a month.

I work a lot of overtime, and I am out of the country about 4 times a year. This doesn`t help.

I go out social dancing about twice a week and meet about 5-15 new people each time. But I find that people want to dance with me, not talk. It isn`t good to meet people.

I suppose my problem is that I spend my weekends with the girlfriend or on my own studying or reading or dancing, or just thinking.

I have been through "severe" depression a few years back at Uni and I never want to do that again. Ever. I can feel that this situation is heading towards that again and I am a bit scared to be honest. I don`t think I could manage this time.

I am by no means socially retarded (except on early Monday mornings), and my language ability does not stand in the way of making meaningful relationships.

I just wanted to know if anyone has felt like this? I know Japan can be a lonely place. But I don`t want it to be. I just want some people who I can call my friends and it actually mean something.


"Help me Obi-wan, you`re my only hope".

I've been here 4 yrs. and I've a very social person. Excluding those who PCS, my off-base number of friends have decreased. I find that some of the women here about 11 are users. They want you to hook them up with soldiers or take them to the PX-it's crazy. Bitches here are crazy. When you confront them about their behavior, all of a sudden, they can't speak English!

[~Murasaki~]

Originally Posted by qoo12

I've been here 4 yrs. and I've a very social person. Excluding those who PCS, my off-base number of friends have decreased. I find that some of the women here about 11 are users. They want you to hook them up with soldiers or take them to the PX-it's crazy. Bitches here are crazy. When you confront them about their behavior, all of a sudden, they can't speak English!

you must associate with a base. I know. That's why most of my japanese friends don't associate with the military at all. Not to be mean or anything, but most japanese that associate with the military bases have some issues. Don't get me started on some of the filipinos..oh lordie. I saw the light and now hang around my own psychedelic trance loving, very little english speaking j-crowd who I suprising get along with..being the token gaijin has it's benefits.

[Pinkerton]

man, i can so understand so many of the posts here. I live outside the major cities, by a ways. When I first came 5 years I made a lot of friends, foreigners and Japanese. Many of the foreigners I first met have moved on, back to their home country and I found it increasing hard to connect with people who just got to the country. some of the Japanese people I met were just trying to get free English lessons. Most though just ended up falling into the acquaintance group. I usually throw about 8 parties a year (not all in my hometown, as some GPs know) and those Japanese will come. Sometime they will invite me out if they have a party. I rarely get a call on a Friday or Saturday night from someone asking me to go out, unless it was planned weeks in advance. I miss those friends i had in the US, the ones that would call almost every time they were going out. you know, to see if i wanted to join them. I guess i have never really found that in Japan. Its a hard lot. some how you have to soldier on.

i often wondered if i lived in a place like Tokyo if it would be better or worse. maybe its just that most of the people who you would connect with have no roots and gone quickly... or maybe you know or think people are going to leave quickly so you just never even bother to really connect with them.

in any event, i don't think i want to live in japan any more.

[electric_japan]

I am a king among all of you. Of course, I am make- up stained, but still a king of kings. Who needs Roppongi when you have me on Gaijinpot.

If you need a friend, well, I am always here. Just call me, Mister EJ.
I am the one who has a larger butt than all of you.
I eat too much at Wendy's. My head seems to be shrinking under this ruby crown from Cornwall, England.

Anyway, let us be friends in Japan. I am always here amongst the Japanese. Just like you, friend.

I understand all of these posts abpve my crown. I found out who my true friends were when I moved here. I saw their true colors. After all I did for them over the years. I am still wondering why?

In Japan, things are diffrent than overseas. Too diffrent.

[rubirosa]

I was looking forward to your wading in on this thread my good ol' buddy and pal EJ.

So it's back to Wendy's, huh? Sorry to hear that your favorite eatery, Saizeria, had that bit of bad luck with those poison pizzas. Did you get your money back? I heard that you don't even need a receipt, trusty folks those Saizeria guys; just go there and dine and tell them when you ate the horrid Chinese made dough and they will gladly refund your money.

Your friend, always,

Rubi

[electric_japan]

Originally Posted by rubirosa

I was looking forward to your wading in on this thread my good ol' buddy and pal EJ.

So it's back to Wendy's, huh? Sorry to hear that your favorite eatery, Saizeria, had that bit of bad luck with those poison pizzas. Did you get your money back? I heard that you don't even need a receipt, trusty folks those Saizeria guys; just go there and dine and tell them when you ate the horrid Chinese made dough and they will gladly refund your money.

Your friend, always,

Rubi

Ya know, Rubi. I gotta tell ya, I went through Tokyo for days the past week. I went everywhere my sneakers would take me. I did hop on and off the JR and the Metro too, but I like to walk about mostly.

Yoyogi Park and Roppogi Hills, and Shinjuku and Shibuya, and there was even me running throughout Harajuku.

I saw many Saizeria's, but now I have lost my appeal for eating plastic made in China.

Good riddance to Saizeria now. Wendy's, I went to one nearby Odaiba on the Yurikamome rail.

Yummy. There is no Wendy's where I am.
Just my ememy, Ronald and his Mc Donalds.

About Saizeria, I was going to go there and get a wad of yen from them, I mean many are upset about that fiasco. What year is this? Why can't Japan grow their own food for their people? Why China?

The leaders of that commy faction should of known that serving plastic is gonna hurt people. I use to love Saizeria. I have lost my love for it. I am sad.


But I am happy to talk to you anytime.

[rubirosa]

Originally Posted by electric_japan

There is no Wendy's where I am.



But I am happy to talk to you anytime.

I was going to ask you about that; I didn't think the girl with the pigtails had made it up to the Japan Sea Coast yet, must be those nor' easters that blow in down from Russia that neccesotate all those bloody terapods that foul the beautiful coastline up there. Maybe you should start an online petition like that one to change the name of Yasukuni Dori to Martin Luther King Blvd.



That's good to know.

Good luck and good night.

[electric_japan]

Originally Posted by rubirosa

I was going to ask you about that; I didn't think the girl with the pigtails had made it up to the Japan Sea Coast yet, must be those nor' easters that blow in down from Russia that neccesotate all those bloody terapods that foul the beautiful coastline up there. Maybe you should start an online petition like that one to change the name of Yasukuni Dori to Martin Luther King Blvd.



That's good to know.

Good luck and good night.

Thank you for the provocative message, Rubi.

Yes, you have facinated me tonight with your provoking message. I have something now to think of with the thoughts I keep of Roppongi.

I have nightmares about that place. Roppongi.
I dread now to even think of it. Beaten and kicked for having green hair. Roppongi. I knew I should of stayed away.

[cucashopboy]

Getting back to the subject...

I've experienced much of what other people have written, even though I'm lucky enough to have a good wife and toddler to come back to after the almost silent day on the trains and at work.

I'd like to add to the comment about Japanese friends not being particularly forward. Another difficulty I've found with many of the Japanese people I feel friendly towards or would like to become friends with is that even after a few years, they never let down their guard and relax properly - i.e., the formal language on the telephone when you invite them over, the overeffusive thanks when you do them a small favour which you'd think nothing of doing for a friend. As a result, I've met many Japanese people that I like a lot but very few that I can call friends.

Keep at it Hud$son, keep joking with the pretty girls (it cheers me up too), look for ways of breaking the deafening silence around you without pushing it, and also try and always have things to look forward to even if it's modest stuff.

All the best.

[zmcnulty]

I guess I've sort of been the opposite, at least on the surface. My list of "people to go to lunch with" just keeps getting longer instead of shorter.

But at those people really my friends? Sure, I consider them to be friends. Granted, I'm closer with some of them than others, but that doesn't stop us from enjoying one another's company.They don't know everything about me and I don't know everything about them, but that's not what the dimension I use to measure friendship. Rather, I would call a friend someone who I'd be happy to help when they need it, or someone who would help me when I need it.

I also think some people in this thread may be putting too much emphasis on spontaneity. Just because you can't randomly call someone up and do something doesn't mean they're not your friend. Likewise, just because they don't call you on Friday night doesn't mean the same. People have various obligations, and especially if they're Japanese, their schedule is probably planned rather far in advance.

A lot of times there can also be misunderstandings. Many of my friends think I have no free time whatsoever, so they rarely think to invite me when something is going on. So I just need to make it clear that you're free on whatever day. If they have something going on, they might invite me to come along. If they have nothing going on, it's a perfect opportunity to get together. From there we can choose to keep it personal or invite more people to join us.

[rubirosa]

Originally Posted by cucashopboy

I'd like to add to the comment about Japanese friends not being particularly forward. Another difficulty I've found with many of the Japanese people I feel friendly towards or would like to become friends with is that even after a few years, they never let down their guard and relax properly - i.e., the formal language on the telephone when you invite them over, the overeffusive thanks when you do them a small favour which you'd think nothing of doing for a friend. As a result, I've met many Japanese people that I like a lot but very few that I can call friends.

Being polite on the phone is normal behaviour for Japanese people; especially if you have a Japanese spouse. Also, when Japanese praise or thank somebody they tend to overdue it, you'll get used to it. I'd be willing to bet that some of those Japanese people you like but can't call your friend actually consider you a friend. As for spontantenty; like the previous poster said. That being said, Japanese men are raised to be stoic and are not always loquacious.

[cucashopboy]

All fair points, and the politeness and expressions of gratitude of Japanese people certainly make the place much nicer to live in.
On the other hand, I guess the people writing into this thread are looking for the, what I thought to be universal until I came to Japan, attributes of friendship of being able to spend relaxed and quality time in the company of people without too much thought for protocol and whether they are 'disturbing you' etc, and to be able to give and receive help without making a big fuss about it.

If that's people's definition of experiencing friendship, then I'm suggesting why people might be feeling isolated and with few friends in Japan.

[Hud$on]

Well things are looking better. I think it is a question of effort for me, and being more pro-active in arranging to meet people.

As zmcnulty said, I feel I judge relationships on the spontaneousness (sp? wtf?), if I can call them up and meet them quickly, etc. Problem is I have a few friends who I only meet at events or meetings of my old cirle members. It is not like we meet outside of that, but I feel they are my friends, maybe.

Another aspect I find being a foreign guy in Tokyo, is that I have so few female friends compared to my home country. It seems to get mistaken so easily into something else. Maybe I am fitting into a stereotype for some people. Or I am meeting the wrong people?

I have other problems at the moment. Anyway, this week has been good and I have started to feel that there are plenty of warm people out there amongst the cold facelessness of metropolitan lifestyle. Push, rush. Humanity never meant to mean this. It seems much better when you imagine everyone is rushing home to see their wife and kids. Hell, maybe they are.

I actually met some new people.
Thanks for the advice cucashopboy. Does breaking the silence include screaming?

*Advice to others: do not read Phillip K. ____ if you are feeling blue. It will mess you up.

[electric_japan]

Originally Posted by Hud$on

........I have started to feel that there are plenty of warm people out there amongst the cold facelessness of metropolitan lifestyle. Push, rush. Humanity never meant to mean this. It seems much better when you imagine everyone is rushing home to see their wife and kids. Hell, maybe they are.
.

Well, I was walking around Roppongi I never saw one happy smile. I saw many people but no grins.

I was really surprised. Took pictures too.

Science fiction by a novelist called ____? Glad you're feeling better. Stay positive!

[RonBurgundy]

Hudson, below is my favorite japanese pastime. After this we broke out the bats and played naked pinata.

P-A-R-T-Y beacuse I gotta.

[cucashopboy]

Originally Posted by Hud$on

Well things are looking better. I think it is a question of effort for me, and being more pro-active in arranging to meet people.

As zmcnulty said, I feel I judge relationships on the spontaneousness (sp? wtf?), if I can call them up and meet them quickly, etc. Problem is I have a few friends who I only meet at events or meetings of my old cirle members. It is not like we meet outside of that, but I feel they are my friends, maybe.

Another aspect I find being a foreign guy in Tokyo, is that I have so few female friends compared to my home country. It seems to get mistaken so easily into something else. Maybe I am fitting into a stereotype for some people. Or I am meeting the wrong people?

I actually met some new people.
Thanks for the advice cucashopboy. Does breaking the silence include screaming?

*Advice to others: do not read Phillip K. ____ if you are feeling blue. It will mess you up.

Hud$on,

Great to hear that you are feeling better - me too!
Having complained about the lack of contact from Japanese friends, two got in touch yesterday evening to invite me to places and I had a great chat on the phone with one of them without a single よろしくお願いします　or other any of that silly polite stuff.

Keep being proactive though, for me Japan is a place where I have to work at being happy rather than it coming naturally. You may scream if you want. It will give the oyaji something to talk about when they get home to their wife and kids!

[jinseinosensei]

Happiness is a state of mind, right...? Isn't it human nature to want friends when we're alone and want to be alone when we have too many so-called "friends"...? I've found that friendship isn't measured by frequency of fraternization or the passion of peers, but more by the level of trust and admiration. By associating with people we feel safe around and even desire to be more like, we can develop a confidence which wards off depression of most kinds. I'm told I'm a bit unique in the way I look at and treat things, but loneliness has never been a problem for me due to my ability to collect friends who are more like canned goods than dairy products. Friends, like spouses, should be low-maintenance and in the relationship for the long haul. Some people avoid depression by keeping loyal as well as durable pets. I prevent it by keeping loyal and durable friends. I think one can be more happy with a few trustworthy and admirable friends than dozens or hundreds of flaky acquaintances. I prefer not to give others the power to depress me or demotivate me. Courage and confidence aren't things we can purchase or borrow. They must be churned and burned, then outward-turned. Good luck, Everyone.