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Gaigin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

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  • #16
    Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

    As I said before, but did not adhere to......leave ME out of this sh@#! I will not, no matter what the content of the e-mail RESPOND AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

      Jeanne Jeanne -- Hi! I read that you won't respond again, and that's OK. But I think people at first wanted to help you, so we'd like to hear how things are going. As a foreign male living in Japan, I know the temptations and also empathize with you, because you didn't know what you were walking into. But one question I have is, what kind of job does your husband have and was it a transfer from the States? Or did your husband try to come and relocate? Also, it sounds like the alcohol and pornography problems existed before coming to Japan. I'm surprised that you gave up everything to follow your husband here. You might have tried for a 'leave of absence' from your job, so you had some kind of a security net to fall back on. Again, none of us who respond on these bulletin boards can know your full situation, but it sounds like this guy is no treat to be around anyway. Let us know how you're doing, and I'm sure the more compassionate of us will try to respond in a helpful way. --- Rational
      PS. What we he think if he suddenly found you were having an affair with a 'host club' guy??

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

        Foreign travel is an escape and that is why so many long for it. Once abroad, many forsake their past and try to make a new one. If you're not part of the new one, then you're part of the old. I would wait until the following time periods have passed: 3 month, 6month, 1 year, 2 year. Those are the main times for homesickness. If he wants to go back, go back then. If he makes it through that and wants to stay, you've got a hen na gaijin on your hands and he will never want to leave. Unless you can compete with the feminine beauty and sensitivity of Japanese women, you may have difficulty holding on to your man.
        Begin to get some job skills. Make an income, so you're not a financial burden to him -- and viewed that way. Take correspondence classes. And be prepared for a lengthy battle.
        If you can't beat 'em, you might have to leave 'em.

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

          Jeanne,

          Get your English Teaching job, store up some cash and get the hell out. It sounds like your husband is paying for it, anyway, so don't let him cheating make you feel responsible.

          Mia,

          You won't find Western girls saying that their own men have "White Fever". That's for sure

          Carl,

          Why not? If you can find women in your own country, it should be even easier in Japan.

          Chris

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

            You never said what type of education or experience you have. If you have a degree you can teach English. Many schools especially now because of terrorism are having difficulty filling vacancies by less people wanting to travel. If you work for a small school you can teach private students and make tonnes of money. You don't even have to teach for a school get private students. Visit your local tourist area at your city ward ask them for help to get students.

            Regardless of what nationality you are, you can still teach English if you are fluent enough. If you are Japanese try teaching Japanese.

            If your husband is never home he won't know that you have a job. Don't bring any proof home at all that you have another job. Open your own bank account and save all the you can. Tell him you need more money for groceries, clothing, etc. and put that money in a bank account. Take money from his wallet when he is sleeping. He obviously drinks alot and won't notice a few thousand yen missing from time to time. Have you met anyone that can help you create stories for explanations in case he does come home. Eg I was at Sara's apartment ... I need to buy a baby shower present for --- can I have some money. It sounds like he doesn't spend any time with you or your friends he won't know who is who. I have a wedding to go to can I have some money.... a funeral ....

            Get him to loosen his purse strings. Do it little by little or he may suspect that something is up.

            Just a few ideas

            I've known many women who have had to resort to this.

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

              Do you have family in New York that you can talk to? Do you have friends that you can ship things to?? You can move out little by little and he will never no what is going on.

              Get yourself a job in a language school. Do not give them your home phone number that way they can't call you. You may lose overtime because of this but it is the safest way you can have a job without your husband finding out. If you have a friend here in Japan ask them if you can use their address for any correspendence the company may send you. (you may want to use his/her phone number as well for the job search) Open your own citibank saving account and try to have your pay deposited or transfered into that account. That will help you to prepare for your trip back home. After a year or less you should have plenty of money saved that will allow you to buy a small used car, your plane ticket home, and at least 6 months rent and food. Most language schools start at 250,000 yen a month. Save for a year and let the math work itself out.

              You mentioned that you pay the bills. Does he require you to show him receipts? If he doesn't require a receipt tell him you need more. Pocket the difference and save it.

              About a month before you leave you can start to ship things. You choose the cheapest method possible to send it to New York. Get one box at a time and bring it home when you know for sure he won't be there. Have everything set out and seperated that you want to ship. If your husband sees anything explain that you are cleaning and trying to find things to fix and throw out. You only want to basically have your necessities. It will cost you an arm and leg to send everything so only send things that you truly cherish. Check with the airline with the amount of luggage you are allowed to bring with you. The extra charge is enormous for going over the limit.

              When the day finally approaches for you to leave do not keep your flight tickets at home, leave them at a friends house. If you have family ask for their assistance that requires you to go home. eg. a very sick uncle, aunt, grandmother etc. This way you won't run into a problem leaving. (suitcases)

              Another very important piece of advice is to choose your friend very carefully that you decide to have help you with your plan. It may backfire. She/he may not want you to leave your husband.

              Good luck and keep me posted
              newme75

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                You haven't responded for the last week or so. I hope that means that you have a job and you are too busy.

                I'm curious as to what you have decided to do.

                newme

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                  I find it interesting when men hate there own race's women??
                  Interesting and strange...I guess they do not want a woman like dear old mom.....

                  My husband and I lived in Japan for 6 years, we had a great time and met many nice people. He never left me for a Japanese woman.

                  I of course did not leave him either, but our trip to Japan changed my mind about Japanese men. In western media they are given a bad rap, but I met many who were very open minded, open hearted and very handsome.

                  To the original poster, your husband never loved you. I advise you find yourself a good man, (if you are the type of woman who NEEDS a man) or just enjoy your independence while in Japan.

                  Life is an adventure do not waste your time on morons.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                    I find it strange when a man hates the women in his own race too. Probably comes down to a bad history with them, ie. not getting any. Personally, I reckon both have their good points physically (Western girls are often a bit bigger, but then they come with bigger melons, and Japanese women often don't, but then they often have slimmer frames ), and personality-wise, every girl is different. Western girls, IMO, pull off sexiness a lot better, but then Japanese girls are a whole lot cuter.

                    Of course, I am generalising... but seeing that is what this thread is about, generalist answers are the only way to go. I don't believe anyone should limit themselves to one group of women!

                    Chris

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                      Thank you for the response Chris. I am glad that I am not the only one that finds it a little strange.

                      Another funny thing too, is that when Caucasian men talk about their preference for Asian females they mention things like - more feminine etc.. And this is the exact same thing African American men say about why they like Caucasian women.....hmmm interesting.

                      Also, your posting was good, but it made me laugh a little. You see I am only 5'2" and weigh 100 pounds. My husband's nickname for me is button...as in cute as a...

                      Thanks for this little chat it has been very interesting !

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                        I think comparatively, Asian women do act in a more feminine manner (and probably Caucasian women compared to African American women too). It has more to do with their upbringing and culture than anything else.

                        Remember, I was generalising! Yes, I know some cute tiny Caucasian girls, but if I go for a walk in an Aussie mall, I'd need a calculator to add up how many "large" women and blokes I can see at anyone time. In a Japanese mall, I can probably count the fatties with my two thumbs ;-)

                        Chris

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                          Just out of curiosity what is your definition of feminine?

                          And while we are at it I wonder where the world's most masculine men reside??

                          I work in the fashion industry, so most of the men and women I see on a daily basis are skinny rails who are a LOT taller than me!

                          But, I do see some fatties while shopping, black, white and Asian, I am in the US now, so blame it on the fast food I guess !!

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                            Feminine - someone who doesn't act like a guy? :-) Someone who lacks boyish attitudes. What's your definition of feminine? I'm not a fan of girls who try to be "equal" to men in personality. In the workforce, fine, but there is a reason women and men have different personality types. Imagine men trying to be equal to women - big hairy girlies!

                            The world's most masculine man is me! *cough* I don't know... some wilderness tribal setting, I'd imagine.

                            Ah okay, well I guess you don't get to see the rest of the slobs that often at work... but yes, at the mall you get to see a whole lot of tubbies. Fat Asians who live in Western countries, by comparison, never seem to ever get as fat us! I presume you've been to Japan already, seeing you use this message board. Can you remember how everyone was so damn thin? Fat people were as common as dodos.

                            Chris

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                              Yes, I have lived in Japan so I do know what you are talking about in regard to the weight thing, but it all has to do with the food they eat.

                              I really have no idea what masculine and feminine really is.
                              Most seem to agree that when you act in a passive way that is feminine and when you act in an aggressive way that is masculine.

                              Have you ever seen the movie Fargo?
                              It that movie the pregnant police chief is tough on her job, but very soft and loving at home with her husband. I cannot make up my mind which she is, probably both.

                              I think most people actually have a little bit of both in them really.

                              ...oh and there are men who try to be the same as women...and they get away with it too. Think of the movie The Crying Game and you know what I mean!

                              I guess like beauty, feminine and masculine is in the eye of the beholder.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Re: Gaijin woman/Spouse Visa/Spouse Problems

                                I think it's healthy to mix the gene pool -- and any guy who wants his mom is just sick.
                                I think you're looking for a "cowboy"

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