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  • Broken trust

    Hi im a filipina married to a japanese guy, we been married for 4 years and last year i saw his cellphone with a txt message from another girl, (when they meet asking how his day hows work) we had huge fight because of that. I ask him about that but ofcourse he lied, he said its just a friend. After that its almost a year i feel like he always lying to me. We come to the point too that we hurting each other physically. Is it normal to a japanese culture to have another woman. Another thing is im not good in japanese so theres always a problem with communication. Hope someone can help me

  • #2
    Can anyone relate on my story please

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by The Real Brat View Post
      Is it normal to a japanese culture to have another woman.
      It's not abnormal. That's not to say that all women agree with or are ok with it, but there are many that will ignore the fact that their husband has another woman, as long as he can keep it away from the house.


      What are you looking for her? Advice on what to do? Dump him. Or don't. You are the only one who can make that decision.

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      • #4
        If im still normal, too much jealousy. And no dumping him is the last thing on my mind. Just want to know if its normal in japanese culture. I dont want him to get tired of my jealousy but cant help it

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        • #5
          It is very common in Japan for men to have mistresses if they can afford it as long as they do not create a scandal or bring shame to their family. As long as he pays the bills for house and living, most Japanese wives will " ignore" it. Getting jealous and _____y about will only drive you crazy, find your self a man to take your mind off your problem! In other words, do to him what he is doing to you!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by The Real Brat View Post
            ...We come to the point too that we hurting each other physically.
            Sorry to hear that, but do you think you make your husband happy ?
            If my wife would also fight with me the whole time, I'd rather get a divorce or at least 'a friendly and understanding girlfriend' =mistress as well.

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            • #7
              Well said, thank you so much

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              • #8
                You are in a very weak position. He probably makes most of the money for the household. You need to get hold of yourself and decide either to live with it and be nice enough not to make it hell for both of you, or if you cannot be calm with the situation, then very carefully make your own plan . Will you return to RP or try to stay in Japan, figure out what to do for a job in either place, etc. If you divorce him for having a GF maybe you can get a little money now, but probably not too much an probably nothing in the future.

                In either case don't let yourself get too upset. Your pain is caused by his actions, but also by your own reaction to his actions. Your life has changed from your dream, now the reality is here so deal with it. Think hard and let your rational mind decide what you want. Then try to follow that with your emotions. If your emotions just won't follow your thoughts, then you probably need to try something else. But always use you mind to think about what is best for you. For example even if you cannot be happy in this marriage when you try your very best, it will probably be best to keep the financial security until you work out how to replace that on your own. You need to think and plan.

                BTW I hope you have other sources of good personal advice, eg other Filipinna married to Japanese guys living here, you pastor or priest, or other people in your community. You should never be isolated just because you are in Japan. You need a support network to help you deal with problems like this, should not be relying on GP chat forum for such serious problems.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by The Real Brat View Post
                  Hi im a filipina married to a japanese guy, we been married for 4 years and last year i saw his cellphone with a txt message from another girl, (when they meet asking how his day hows work) we had huge fight because of that. I ask him about that but ofcourse he lied, he said its just a friend. After that its almost a year i feel like he always lying to me. We come to the point too that we hurting each other physically. Is it normal to a japanese culture to have another woman. Another thing is im not good in japanese so theres always a problem with communication. Hope someone can help me
                  Here's the deal: Japan doesn't work for everyone non-native. Some gaijins have it great but just as many are probable miserable.

                  You might not want to return home but realistically this guy isn't likely to change.

                  Staying here in a crappy marriage seems a life-long losing proposition.

                  Get out and still start over.

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                  • #10
                    also you're from the Philippines... you are not seen with the upmost respect by the Japanese and other cultures. I, of course, don't approve that. Good luck and run!

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by PizzaTime View Post
                      also you're from the Philippines... you are not seen with the upmost respect by the Japanese and other cultures. I, of course, don't approve that. Good luck and run!
                      What was the point of that comment, other than to point out that you believe that people from the Philippines are not seen with the 'upmost' respect?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by The Real Brat View Post
                        Hi im a filipina married to a japanese guy, we been married for 4 years and last year i saw his cellphone with a txt message from another girl, (when they meet asking how his day hows work) we had huge fight because of that. I ask him about that but ofcourse he lied, he said its just a friend. After that its almost a year i feel like he always lying to me. We come to the point too that we hurting each other physically. Is it normal to a japanese culture to have another woman. Another thing is im not good in japanese so theres always a problem with communication. Hope someone can help me
                        Don't lose your mind over this, because it can get worse.
                        Have you tried to sit down and talk with him?
                        Set a time when you both can sit down and talk about what you enjoy about your time together and what you'd like to improve.
                        Don't let the conversation go negative...try and spin things in a 'I love you and I want us both to be happy" kind of way.

                        It's my opinion that you can't change people (EX: Telling the drunk to stop drinking), the change has to come from within.
                        If this man is abusive, you need a plan to get out.
                        You had better think about that.
                        If it's going to escalate, can you get out in time to save yourself?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by PizzaTime View Post
                          also you're from the Philippines... you are not seen with the upmost respect by the Japanese and other cultures. I, of course, don't approve that. Good luck and run!
                          While many cultures – or should I say individual xenophobes within them, will look down upon any people who are in any way dissimilar to themselves, I see no evidence of the Japanese as a whole looking down upon the people of the Philippines. Nor have I ever come across any attitudinal study of other peoples who may do so. So in short, I think you are full of sh1t.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by The Real Brat View Post
                            Hi im a filipina married to a japanese guy, we been married for 4 years and last year i saw his cellphone with a txt message from another girl, (when they meet asking how his day hows work) we had huge fight because of that. I ask him about that but ofcourse he lied, he said its just a friend. After that its almost a year i feel like he always lying to me. We come to the point too that we hurting each other physically. Is it normal to a japanese culture to have another woman. Another thing is im not good in japanese so theres always a problem with communication. Hope someone can help me
                            Was it just that once? Or do you have other more recent evidence - and not just suspicions? If it was just once, I'd suggest that you let it go and move on with your life - either with him, or without. But if you asre going to continue to live together, I'd not mention that first incident another time. But if it is continuing, and you have strong evidence to believe so, then as others have said - you will either need to learn to live with it, or get out.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Just saw it once since then i become paranoid, and so jealous with every little thing. Thank you guys it helps me think rationally.

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