Announcement

Collapse

The GaijinPot Forum Is Closed

Please join us on our new Facebook Group.
See more
See less

Top

Collapse

Another messed up relationship

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Another messed up relationship

    Another messed up relationship

    I met my Japanese wife in the United States where we were married five years ago. We lived in San Diego where I was employed as an electrician and she a translator at the San Diego airport. Everything was rosy until her mother became seriously ill and my wife asked that we return to Japan for a year. I agreed and began working as an English teacher shortly after arriving and my wife found part time work in a supermarket. However, I earn about a third of what I was making back home and my wife`s income is nothing more than spending money..

    My mother in law is feeling much better and I expected to return to the States before the start of summer but my wife has begun nagging me about us staying in Japan. Ifve explained she can return to Japan when even it is needed but I do not want to live here. We discussed having children before marriage and agreed raising them in the States would be preferable to Japan but these days my wife goes on about having children here and about her mother and father wanting to be around their grandchildren which I can understand. Yet I also understand my parents live on the East Coast and wouldn`t be able to see the grandkids every weekend either.

    Ifve been in contact with several contractors since the start of the New Year and they need to know exactly when I will be returning. Teaching English was fun for the first month but Ifve about had it and need to get back. I love my wife and want her to be happy but I never signed up for a long term stay in Japan and would really like to leave.

    Any advice would be appreciated.
    Last edited by japanoutbound; 2009-03-23, 05:58 PM.

  • #2
    Originally posted by japanoutbound View Post
    Ifve been in contact with several contractors since the start of the New Year and they need to know exactly when I will be returning. Teaching English was fun for the first month but Ifve about had it and need to get back. I love my wife and want her to be happy but I never signed up for a long term stay in Japan and would really like to leave.

    Any advice would be appreciated.
    Speaking as someone who has raised two kids in Japan I would not even CONSIDER kids in Japan unless your income stream is locked in. Kids are a huge money pit here and you will be looking at at least 20 years of paying to support them.

    Like puppies, kids and babies are cute when they are young but it gets stale really quickly when you have to pay for education. Want them to be bilingual and bicultural? Take what it costs in Japan for Japanese kids and add on 50% when you add on airfares, international schools, juku and the rest.

    Appraise wife and parents of the financial burden and what it will cost (about $150,000 per child till they finish college). I needed about 400,000 a month to support wife and kids, if its any help. Wife and grandparents obviously have NO idea what it costs to raise kids here and its simply expected that you will step up to the plate now that you are here.

    PS My daughter went back to my country 4 times before the age of 10 and is now living in Australia. Saw Grandma at Christmas. Grandparent need to realise kids cant be in two places at once.
    Last edited by KansaiBen; 2009-03-23, 06:14 PM.

    Comment


    • #3

      Step one



      Step Two



      Step Three



      N.B. I am not suggesting you leave the dog in the hole, that would just be cruel.

      Comment


      • #4
        @GP Gold!!! That's one for the "Best of GP" awards ceremony.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by too_far_tokyo;772070[U
          ][/U]
          Step Three



          N.B. I am not suggesting you leave the dog in the hole, that would just be cruel.
          gotta be a heart shaped hole.

          but seriously to the OP, get out now while you can, don't waste your life for a J-woman.

          Comment


          • #6
            Advice!

            Originally posted by japanoutbound View Post
            Another messed up relationship

            I met my Japanese wife in the United States where we were married five years ago. We lived in San Diego where I was employed as an electrician and she a translator at the San Diego airport. Everything was rosy until her mother became seriously ill and my wife asked that we return to Japan for a year. I agreed and began working as an English teacher shortly after arriving and my wife found part time work in a supermarket. However, I earn about a third of what I was making back home and my wife`s income is nothing more than spending money..

            My mother in law is feeling much better and I expected to return to the States before the start of summer but my wife has begun nagging me about us staying in Japan. Ifve explained she can return to Japan when even it is needed but I do not want to live here. We discussed having children before marriage and agreed raising them in the States would be preferable to Japan but these days my wife goes on about having children here and about her mother and father wanting to be around their grandchildren which I can understand. Yet I also understand my parents live on the East Coast and wouldn`t be able to see the grandkids every weekend either.

            Ifve been in contact with several contractors since the start of the New Year and they need to know exactly when I will be returning. Teaching English was fun for the first month but Ifve about had it and need to get back. I love my wife and want her to be happy but I never signed up for a long term stay in Japan and would really like to leave.

            Any advice would be appreciated.
            Mate, if you don't do anything about it, you will remain in Japan and you will be miserable. You have to discuss this with her frankly. We can't predict the outcome, but if I were you and would get to it.


            Your wife is behaving a little selfish and she must understand your situation too. She should appreciate that you have done so much to support her and that what she is doing is now pushing the boat. But also consider that it is hard for her too.

            Overrall, she should be grateful for your support. Her nagging is not doing you any good and is hurting the relationship. If you to get dragged into staying in Japan, you will be miserable and the relationship may be rough or end, and there will be financial problems if you are on the wage you are on now and your mood wont help the kids.

            Her behaviour is selfish, dare I say "emotional blackmail"? Maybe that is going to far.

            What you done, your support; descent guy. Talk to her, explain your concerns and how it may effect the future for the both of you.

            E.g

            Your lack of Japanese skills

            Your mood, and home sickness

            Your priorities too, since she seems to be focusing just on hers

            How big moves such as this has to be mutual and mention how unexpected the situation was.

            Communication between your kids if they do grow up in Japan. You may not be able to communicate with them in English.

            Also, the massive obligations she will bestow on you in order to survive in Japan and be happy. If you are not even happy to be here, it isn't going to work here.


            Hope this helps.

            Good luck.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by japanoutbound View Post
              Another messed up relationship

              I met my Japanese wife in the United States where we were married five years ago. We lived in San Diego where I was employed as an electrician and she a translator at the San Diego airport. Everything was rosy until her mother became seriously ill and my wife asked that we return to Japan for a year. I agreed and began working as an English teacher shortly after arriving and my wife found part time work in a supermarket. However, I earn about a third of what I was making back home and my wife`s income is nothing more than spending money..

              My mother in law is feeling much better and I expected to return to the States before the start of summer but my wife has begun nagging me about us staying in Japan. Ifve explained she can return to Japan when even it is needed but I do not want to live here. We discussed having children before marriage and agreed raising them in the States would be preferable to Japan but these days my wife goes on about having children here and about her mother and father wanting to be around their grandchildren which I can understand. Yet I also understand my parents live on the East Coast and wouldn`t be able to see the grandkids every weekend either.

              Ifve been in contact with several contractors since the start of the New Year and they need to know exactly when I will be returning. Teaching English was fun for the first month but Ifve about had it and need to get back. I love my wife and want her to be happy but I never signed up for a long term stay in Japan and would really like to leave.

              Any advice would be appreciated.
              I would suggest that you ask her who she is married to, you or her parents. Then give her an ultimatum; set a date at which time you will return, with or without her.


              Originally Posted by KansaiBen
              Like puppies, kids and babies are cute when they are young but it gets stale really quickly when you have to pay for education.
              That is the saddest thing I have ever seen posted on this forum.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                Speaking as someone who has raised two kids in Japan I would not even CONSIDER kids in Japan unless your income stream is locked in. Kids are a huge money pit here and you will be looking at at least 20 years of paying to support them.

                Like puppies, kids and babies are cute when they are young but it gets stale really quickly when you have to pay for education. Want them to be bilingual and bicultural? Take what it costs in Japan for Japanese kids and add on 50% when you add on airfares, international schools, juku and the rest.

                Appraise wife and parents of the financial burden and what it will cost (about $150,000 per child till they finish college). I needed about 400,000 a month to support wife and kids, if its any help. Wife and grandparents obviously have NO idea what it costs to raise kids here and its simply expected that you will step up to the plate now that you are here.

                PS My daughter went back to my country 4 times before the age of 10 and is now living in Australia. Saw Grandma at Christmas. Grandparent need to realise kids cant be in two places at once.

                I earn 275,000 yen a month and we live in a 2LDK which rents at 120,000 yen a month. It`s crazy to even consider starting a family on such an income. My wife talks about me getting a better job. A better job? Doing what? Work in a Japanese office? That`s the last thing I want to do even if I could speak the language fluently. Besides I already have a good job and Ifve been doing it for ten years. Yet my wife just canft see past some fantasy life wefre going to make for ourselves in Japan.

                Comment


                • #9
                  that truly sucks. get her to shape up and make up her mind.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by rubirosa View Post
                    That is the saddest thing I have ever seen posted on this forum.
                    Im up to year 15 and I have university fees to worry about in a few years. Daughter wants to go to a high school in Japan where fees are 1 million plus a year for 3-4 years. Do the math.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                      Like puppies, kids and babies are cute when they are young but it gets stale really quickly when you have to pay for education.
                      That is a truely tragic statement :-(

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Gaijin 06 View Post
                        That is a truely tragic statement :-(
                        If it were a dog it would end up in the Hokensho. (death row for doggies)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                          Im up to year 15 and I have university fees to worry about in a few years. Daughter wants to go to a high school in Japan where fees are 1 million plus a year for 3-4 years. Do the math.
                          Doesn't seem to bad at all.

                          But then - I have one of those "office jobs" you gleefully dismiss with with a typical KansaiBen-ism "I have never worked in an office and can't say I miss it". There are higher paying jobs outside of academia....

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Gaijin 06 View Post
                            Doesn't seem to bad at all.

                            But then - I have one of those "office jobs" you gleefully dismiss with with a typical KansaiBen-ism "I have never worked in an office and can't say I miss it". There are higher paying jobs outside of academia....
                            I forgot to add the 4 million yen I paid for international schools when daughter was 6.

                            Cashed in my sizable pension so wife could migrate to Australia and kids could become bilingual. Ruined my marriage at the same time.

                            There is a fairly large opportunity cost to all this.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Gaijin 06 View Post
                              Doesn't seem to bad at all.

                              But then - I have one of those "office jobs" you gleefully dismiss with with a typical KansaiBen-ism "I have never worked in an office and can't say I miss it". There are higher paying jobs outside of academia....
                              I had the opportunity to do lots of things (law, business) when I was 19 and thinking of a career and had lots of role models. Problem is at 19 or 20 I didnt know what I wanted and it took another 10 years to find the answer.

                              Every one chooses their own path in life and makes do with what they have. Im not into keeping up with the Jonese to salve my own ego or submit to some kind of peer pressure.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X