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Any successful interracial marriage?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by しむぱるじん View Post
    Hi,
    I have been going thru this forum for sometime and feel so sad after hearing about so many divorces, kid issues etc. as i know that bad aspect of anything gets more attention than the good aspect. would like to know if there is someone who is happy or bit satisfied with their Japanese wife/husband.. need to hear something positive.... the negativity is scaring the sh1t out of me about my future with my girl... please share ur success story or just a nod will do

    Cheers

    My marriage (10 years) to a J-woman is pretty good. Nothing major to complain about. I would say almost 40% or so of the gaijins (guys) I know who married have been divorced which I think is on par with the stats regarding international marriage in Japan. It goes without saying you need to think long and hard before getting married period but this is especially true in an international marriage. Like I said my marriage to a J-woman is fine but I’ve heard more than my share of horror stories from gaijin guys whose marriage ended badly.
    Last edited by Ken44; 2009-09-23, 12:53 PM.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
      of which the current failure rate between inter-racial and intercultural marriages is 50%, no small matter. My marriage is no more famously unsuccessful than anyone elses except its you having a personal dig at my expense which is par for the course. Its like saying the Titanic famously sunk.
      I mentioned it as famous as I have read about it for the last five years, many times. You have frequently brought it up and discussed aspects of it which, hence it can justifiably be described as famous here on GP.com.

      Where do you get your stats from by the way?

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      • #18
        I've been married about ten years, two kids. Killed a ____roach last night and got a shag out of it. I'm pretty happy!

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        • #19
          Originally posted by ben ali View Post
          Killed a ____roach last night and got a shag out of it. I'm pretty happy!
          I think the phrasing could have been better there!

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Gaijin 06 View Post
            I think the phrasing could have been better there!
            We all know what I mean.....

            ...OP, if you are a mighty lion in the house, you'll be fine. If I pick up heavy stuff, make something out of wood or give her a massage I usually get a little night time action.



            (In all seriousness, how stupid are you OP? If you relate anything at all on gaijinpot to real life, then you are in for a bumpy time....)

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            • #21
              Originally posted by Gaijin 06 View Post
              I mentioned it as famous as I have read about it for the last five years, many times. You have frequently brought it up and discussed aspects of it which, hence it can justifiably be described as famous here on GP.com.

              Where do you get your stats from by the way?

              Probably because Im one of the few people who has been willing to put it all out there, though my case is by no means typical.

              Most of my posts have not been posted with the intent to elicit sympathy but to explain or show legal ramifications, or what happens when there are kids involved. If it bores you you can just put me on ignore.

              The 50% figure has been posted in the Japan Times in related articles and Im sure its on Debito.org but the site seems to be down at the moment. The rate of divorce in the US is over 50% and its something like 40% in the UK as well so its pretty much in keeping with rates overseas.

              The reason divorce is so low in Japan otherwise is that people stay together because of childrens education and many women can not afford to support themselves if they leave or divorce husbands and have school-age children. 家庭内離婚 is also common here. The rate of over-60's now divorcing in Japan is spiking as women here can now legally receive 50% of the husbands pension so the majority simply wait for the husband to retire before pulling the plug on the marriage while hubby is blissfully unaware.
              Last edited by KansaiBen; 2009-09-23, 01:10 PM.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                Probably because Im one of the few people who has been willing to put it all out there, though my case is by now means typical.

                Most of my posts have not been posted with the intent to elicit sympathy but to explain or show legal ramifications, or what happens when there are kids involved. If it bores you you can just put me on ignore.
                It doesn't bore me, some of the details have been quite interesting.

                Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                The 50% figure has been posted in the Japan Times in related articles and Im sure its on Debito.org
                The devil is in the details for these things. What timeframe, what source, what definition of "inter racial" etc etc.... on it's own, I would not give much credence to that figure without understanding exactly how it was derived.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Gaijin 06 View Post
                  It doesn't bore me, some of the details have been quite interesting.



                  The devil is in the details for these things. What timeframe, what source, what definition of "inter racial" etc etc.... on it's own, I would not give much credence to that figure without understanding exactly how it was derived.
                  The articles only said marriages where one partner was non-Japanese and didnt give breakdowns on nationality, race etc. Its well known that the greatest number of international marriages here are between Japanese men and Asian women (such as from China and Korea) Both are Asian but Korea and China have very different cultures than Japan and you also need to factor in racial discrimination and prejudice against Koreans and Chinese here as well. Im sure they experience just as many problems as the typical western man, J-girl scenario. Marriages break up for a variety of reasons anyway- the end result is the same.

                  From memory I believe the time frame was within the first ten years after marriage.
                  Last edited by KansaiBen; 2009-09-23, 01:19 PM.

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                  • #24
                    FYI I'm not married. On the outside looking in...

                    BUT I have two good friends who are both in interracial marriages with Japanese spouses. Both of them are foreign females with Japanese males. They aren't perfect marriages, but hey what marriage is?? Complaints seem the same, but both of their Japanese spouses are open-minded and seem pretty respectable towards their culture.

                    I also have a good friend who "grew up" in Japan, even though being a Caucasian American woman, went to Jschools, was married to a Jguy for 10 years and recently divorced. She "wasn't Japanese enough" for him, so he said. So, with that in mind, I definitely think you shouldn't marry a person because of their race, but because of what you love about them. (If you only lovin that they are Japanese-then there's something wrong with that whole thing from the get go...)

                    Be positive, I think with anything in marriage that helps!

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                    • #25
                      Surely there are successful intercultural marriages, but I doubt any of them were easy or just fell into place. Marriage takes lots of work, much more so if it's intercultural. You're wise to approach it cautiously.

                      One of the difficulties I often hear about, as well as experience in my marriage to a J-woman, is the difference in assumptions and expectations about everyday things. For example, J-wives often have a negative reaction to their husband's communication style (even when he's talking to his compatriots), attitude about his job, his strong individuality and relative lack of regard for the group and saving the face of others, etc. J-women might find this stuff cool while dating, but it isn't as exciting when it's coming from the breadwinner and head of household. Not everybody adjusts to these differences, and the accumulated stress can be significant.

                      The bottom line is how suitable intercultural marriage is for you. Deciding to avoid intercultural marriage is no less honorable than deciding to pursue it. The choice is solely yours.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by newhigh View Post
                        Marry a girl because she is nice, not because she is Japanese and/or cute. I've known my girl for 6 years. She works in the medical field, with patients who have no hope - they usually die within a short time. Its traumatic, disturbing, highly distressing work. She gets called out late at night and has to alleviate the pain and suffering terminally ill patients endure before they die. When she told me about her job, I thought she must be an angel and I pursued her - I knew she'd be the one for me and I didn't let up. Its not all roses. Sometimes she upsets me and I have to put her in her place. Women have their behavioural cycles. And sometimes I upset her too. Nobody is perfect. My girl will be a fine mother. She is even-tempered, non hysterical and (after much complaining on my part) is starting to pay her own way when we go out. The day she quits this job (and she is committed to it big-time and refusing to comply) is the day I will marry her.

                        Choose a person by their character. Not the size of their t+ts or their ability to provide you horizontal refreshment. Or by careless, thoughtless words when they are a few days ahead of their periods -expect no logic from any woman during this time. Goodluck to all of you. I hope there are many guys out there who are as lucky as I.

                        There's more to life than a trophy wife who'd ruin your life in a few years time. Its the best looking women, the ones who look like movie stars, who are the most frigid - that's my experience IMHO. It took many years and over 200+ experiences with other girls for me to find my lady.
                        I strongly agree

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                        • #27
                          I've been married to a Japanese girl for 6.5 years. It's a pretty healthy relationship as far as it goes. We have the occasional bickering, but that's about it. I usually end up sleeping on the sofa a night or two every year.

                          I think that the big thing is, you can't expect a relationship to get better after marriage. It may or may not get worse, but it almost definitely won't get better. So if you are having troubles with your girlfriend, then don't expect them to be fixed by marrying her, and in fact, the problems will probably get worse.

                          If you have a stable, healthy relationship with your girlfriend, then there is a good chance that your marriage will also end up stable and healthy.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by newhigh View Post
                            It took many years and over 200+ experiences with other girls for me to find my lady.
                            Nothing quite like bragging about your sex life on the net is there?

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                            • #29
                              OP, I've been married to my Japanese husband for 3 years (lived in sin for 6 years before that!). It keeps getting better all the time.
                              I know a lot of foreign women married to Japanese guys - some are divorced/separated, but the majority are happy. The ratio would be about the same as that of my Western/Western married friends.

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                              • #30
                                Wow

                                when i typed this post i never knew i will open a can of worms. do apologize for that. as for me I didn't intend to ask for any advice as in what i should or shouldn't do. I simply wanted to hear some success stories. what i gathered from all the views is that......... well marriage is a gamble or a lucky dip so to speak, but one can rig this gamble to get the odds in ones favour.

                                As for me...... I have been on the marriage and divorce path already. I've had couple of very serious relationships after my divorce which i had to break up because i wasn't satisfied and what i learnt from my first marriage is if I'm not fully satisfied with someone then i shouldn't pursue it (yes I'm aware that marriages/relationships are not all hunky dory). but I believe in Maths and probability, and i reckon that a successful marriage should not have less than 2/3 of happy times.

                                I grew up in Oz, but my ancestors are from all over the world(My skin colour is brown btw). so tell you the truth I believe in Individuality. I think thats what aussie/western culture taught me. My parents on the other hand have really strong culture drilled into them but im different and don't necessarily agree with their beliefs. so for me Inter-cultural relationship is not scary as for most of us, as long as my partner have some sort of flexibility in her beliefs. I have lived with my girl for about half a yr and we've been going out for about a yr. yes we had few hiccups along the way but we both are individuals and might not agree with one another at times which is totally understandable.

                                I got few pms and thanks for that.. they all were positive (thanks heaven for that ) . Now from what i have read on this forums so far is that Japanese culture is very strong, and japanese (from my experience) dont care what happens outside japan... so they think everyone else is wrong but them(not that anything is wrong with it). everyone is entitled to their opinions, likes/dislikes etc etc. Just because I'm tolerant about something doesn't necessarily means i agree with it. like I have few gay and lesbians friends, I have no problem with it but that doesnt make me gay. whatever or however someone wants to live their life is their perogative. and i might not agree with it but i cant care less if someone wants to lead a certain way.

                                I have seen too many posts about wife not putting out anymore and dont care if husband sleeps around, wife wants to come back to japan or doesnt want to leave this place etc etc. wife/husband dont want to assimilate. now this is starting to get to me that these are not just individual problems but rather a culture on its own.
                                (*) frankly speaking if someone is happy that wife doesnt care if the husband shags around, good on him! but its not for me. I dont want to get married only to find out that i still have to chase girls for my daily/weekly nookie.
                                (*) If im gonna be the sole bread winner for the family then its upto me to see where i should live to be more financially stable be it Japan or Iraq (with the obvious priority given to kids future)
                                (*) If wife doesn't want to part with her culture with a bit and accept husbands culture a bit then she should get married to nihonjin.
                                I have talked about these issues to my girlfriend few times already and she has assured me that she thinks on the same wave length.
                                The reason for this thread was start a positive vibe about this ISSUE, not to pi1s people off! wanted to know that there are some ppl who have accomplished happiness and satisfaction in their marriages in this exotic country(with or without a mistress.... sorry no pun intended) as i know from my 1st marriage that girls do change after "I do's". but i just want to get the odds in my favour before taking the punt the second time. and for ppl who were concerned! Dont worry mate! this fella will think long and hard before taking the plunge again
                                thanks for all your replies it really helped

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