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Any successful interracial marriage?

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  • #76
    Originally posted by Cultureshock View Post
    So how do you explain that I personally know some one who does not speak an ounce of Japanese and he has been married for 14 years and lives in Japan??

    And he would say he has a good marriage.

    cs
    c-shock, we're all happy about your friend. But 1 persons experience doesn't really relate to the bigger picture.

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    • #77
      Originally posted by Cultureshock View Post
      So how do you explain that I personally know some one who does not speak an ounce of Japanese and he has been married for 14 years and lives in Japan??

      And he would say he has a good marriage.

      cs
      I dunno how to explain that guy, I don't know him.

      Just pointing out the two common characteristics in the successful interracial marriages I have encountered.

      Comment


      • #78
        Originally posted by jinseinosensei View Post
        I agree. The simple answers / solutions usually are brilliant in their simplicity. It's too bad you don't see this regarding the problems women face today. Real progress COULD be made. But not at the expense of wild half of women's fun, eh...?
        Do you resent these wild women?

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        • #79
          Originally posted by PurpleDaisies View Post
          I think you are getting away from the point here. Kittylover wasn`t asserting that it doesn`t happen the other way round, what she was talking about is the horrible stories you here about Chinese and Filippina wives being treated like dirt by their Japanese husbands (and being expected to ditch their own culture is just part of that.)
          Welcome to jinseinsane's world!

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          • #80
            Just remember...anyone who has a post rate of over 2 per day on this site is a "sad lonely fug" who has no intention of helping you, but only posts here to try and drag you down to it's level.

            (Jezzes, that sounds like a good sign)

            Comment


            • #81
              Originally posted by Gaijin 06 View Post
              Do you resent these wild women?
              Of course not...! I just get tired of watching them become lonely old bags and hearing them complain about men when it could have been avoided just by acting like ladies and sticking with their decisions, as opposed to acting on their irrational whims and fickle mood swings. Watching women paint themselves into corners and complain about it makes me SAD, not resentful.

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              • #82
                Here's one.

                Er, still interested in knowing about successful interracial marriages? For what it's worth, I have one. I have a Japanese husband and we've been married for about three and a half years. He's not what is usually seen as the typical Japanese guy or indeed the typical guy, and that might account for the success of our marriage. In brief, we are - how can I say this - not people who attribute characteristics to people (hmmm, I seem to be repeating the word 'people' a lot) based on their membership of a group. Humans are far too complex and varied to be predicted just because they happen to belong to a group, such as males, females, Japanese people, Europeans and so on. Sure, perhaps a significant proportion of each group will exhibit the characteristics regarded as typical of that group, but for every group there will be some individuals who lack certain typical characteristics thereof, and for every characteristic of a group (we're talking mental characteristics here) there will be members who do not have it. Therefore the fact of my husband's Japaneseness and my Italian Britishness did not even arise as an issue for us. The point, for us, was whether we got along as people, and the answer to that was a very strong yes, because quite simply our personalities are astoundingly similar, with the added bonus that neither of us is a fight-picker or one of those people who go around Getting Offended all the time or making mountains out of mole-hills or looking for someone to blame.

                A word on fights and nagging and general pettiness. Most people are well-meaning most of the time, and most bad-looking things that people appear to say or do are the result of either a misunderstanding or of circumstances which are uncontrollable or too complex to be understood at a glance. So most annoying things that happen are not in fact the result of ill will, and therefore there is hardly ever any point in getting upset or nagging or picking fights. So we don't. For instance, if my husband accidentally drops something and it breaks, it's annoying, but did he mean it? No. Was he careless? No. Does he feel bad about it? Yes. So even mentioning that I'm annoyed that it broke, or that he should be more careful, is pointless because he knows all that already and he didn't mean it. So just let it go. A certain percentage of the time, everyone sooner or later will drop something despite being super careful (because of, I don't know, the particular viscosity of their skin oil at that moment combined with the angle of the object and speed of transfer and nature of its surface - if anyone is to blame it is physics), and they will feel awful about it and wonder how it happened since they always take such good care not to drop anything, so don't rub it in. See? Most fights are redundant and cause only harm while solving nothing. Be mellow. Say no to fights.

                Also, we fancy each other madly, which always helps. There's no point marrying someone you don't fancy the pants off, because you'll just drool over other people and eventually run off with one of them, probably one whom you'll choose only because, in contrast to your partner, they are physically attractive to you. Physical attraction is a sine qua non in my opinion. And although some people forget how it felt to fall in love with their partner and forget that they once found them physically stunning, there is such a thing as concentrating, meditating even, on one's partner's beauty. Look at them carefully - remember the anguish you felt when you did not know if they loved you - remember when you would have given your right ovary just to hold their hand for twenty seconds - observe those physical features which used to send your heart shooting into your throat and turned you into a blethering awkward fool every time you saw them before you knew they could be yours (and yes, this can also include how nice they smell) - see how harmoniously the curves of their face blend into each other, miraculously almost - admire their silky hair - and imagine how you would have felt if instead of confessing that they loved you, they had said no, and walked away. You would have given anything for it to be a yes, wouldn't you? Concentrate on those feelings, and you will find that they are still there. (If not, time for a divorce - ok ok I'm joking).

                You know those magazines that you find in dentists' waiting rooms, that have articles about 'what women want' or 'how to make your man understand you' or 'how to train your man' or '12.5 things you must never know that she knows that you know'? My take is: if you need to train someone, if you need to figure them out, if you need to compromise fundamental parts of your personality to coexist with them, then you shouldn't be with that person because either it won't work and you'll have wasted your time and theirs, or you'll force it to work but be miserable and always waiting for a chance to slag them off to your friends or secretly read magazines about the 14 things that can save your marriage. If it's not natural, if it's hard, if it has to be forced, then perhaps you haven't found your proper match. (For instance, if like me you are very affectionate and need to be cuddled all the time and the other person is aloof and keeps emphasising that they 'need their space', you'll end up silently wishing they could just hold you but too afraid to mention it, and they'll feel stifled even if you employ superhuman restraint and kiss them as little as possible, so instead of trying to repress your need for affection or 'understand' their 'different way of showing love', just find someone who effortlessly has the same needs as you have, regardless of their country of origin). This insight - which could be entirely incorrect since humans are notoriously imperfect - comes from my substantial history of many boyfriends and fiances, which gave me the opportunity to witness first-hand the many different flavours of misery and unnatural emotional contortion that ill-conceived alliances can create. With the others, I always had to try, or hope, or wish he would or wouldn't, or do without what I couldn't do without and pretend to myself that I didn't mind. With my husband I don't have to try and nor does he. (Usually, by the way, you can't change people, so just get one that fits to start with rather than getting one that doesn't and then trying to change them).

                I agree with the things TJRandom said. One that stuck out was that you have to be in love when you start, as I sort of mentioned above, and another was that national and hence cultural differences between spouses mean that one doesn't automatically assume that there will be no misunderstandings, but rather will always be on guard for them, which of course will mostly undermine them before they even get into full swing. Another thing TJRandom said is something like 'most marriages can work'. I basically think so too, as long as the initial choice was correct and the partners recognise each other's rationality and good will.

                Also, boredom is pernicious and laughter is very helpful. If one remembers that one's husband or wife is one of one's friends, maybe one will find it easier to have interesting conversations and crack jokes with them rather than just re-categorising them as 'her indoors' who is associated with boring things like mortgage payments and clogged loos. Those boring things are not intrinsic to the partner; they would happen anyway and should not be associated with the partner, who instead should be associated with beauty and fun. We have clogged loos and mortgage problems and so on, but those are not characteristics of my husband; they are those inevitable things like death and taxes which happen whether one marries or not (although marriage may diminish taxes and, some say, delay death). My husband's salient characteristics from my point of view are that he is a gorgeous young-looking boy (slurp slobber) who instantly understands and responds to my weirdness, gives and needs large amounts of affection, gives and needs fidelity, is an intellectual, and is intelligent, rational and mellow enough not to whine over petty things. The peripheral cr (wait, are we allowed to swear?) the peripheral faecal matter is irrelevant to what he really is.

                Hmmm, I guess I've mostly addressed issues that may come up in any marriage, rather than particularly an international marriage, and as I mentioned that is probably because the issue of our being from different countries never seemed relevant to us and was never really discussed (I'm bi-national, bi-cultural and bilingual already and I grew up in a multilingual international environment so I don't really notice if someone is foreign). The problems which I have seen arising for other people who had Japanese boyfriends - mostly that the boyfriends didn't talk and didn't show any affection - never arose with me because my husband is non-standard. But yes, in short, I do have a successful, fun and profoundly satisfying international marriage with a Japanese man, and the reason for that, I would submit, is the compatibility of the two individuals involved in terms of personality, attitudes and needs, a constant willingness to see things from the other person's point of view, and a passionate attraction to each other. In my opinion, all of these are necessary for a successful marriage, whether it be international or not.

                Ok, I apologise for the enormous, mastodontic message, whose proportions are truly epic. These things are not necessarily so simple to explain (that is why there is so much art and literature about them as well as all those books and magazine articles about 'the 26 things that men will never say they told you not to say'). I hope it at least gives you an example of a successful international marriage, which was what you seemed to be interested in, and I'll try to be a bit less of a chatterbox in future. Good luck and good cheer - Ants.

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                • #83
                  Originally posted by Ants View Post
                  I hope it at least gives you an example of a successful international marriage, which was what you seemed to be interested in, and I'll try to be a bit less of a chatterbox in future. Good luck and good cheer - Ants.
                  Your positivity is infectious. Keep it up. Yours seems to be a very happy marriage. Good on you! Thank you for sharing your story. We can all learn from this. Any other good stories out there?

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                  • #84
                    Thanks! I wish everyone luck. -Ants.

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                    • #85
                      Originally posted by newhigh View Post
                      Read the first post
                      I did. Did you? I thought the word marriage was in there somewhere.

                      Originally posted by newhigh View Post
                      the OP wanted positive stories, not negative stuff
                      Thus my surprise at your post. It read like a tragedy to me. We all have different expectations of what makes a good relationship.

                      Originally posted by newhigh View Post
                      Feel free to analyse my every word...
                      Thank you, but I already have.

                      Look, it's all good and bully for you and your GIRL being happy together. Hope it all works out... sincerely.

                      And another poster go it right. Plenty of people have great relationships with their partners, but they just don't post their private life on the internet like they are on an episode of Maury.

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                      • #86
                        Ants - THAT was amazing! Please don`t apologise about such a long post. Your post was indeed long, but there was wisdom and optimism in every line. Thankyou so much for sharing that with us.

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                        • #87
                          Originally posted by PUNCHtoTHEguts View Post
                          but they just don't post their private life on the internet like they are on an episode of Maury.
                          Lighten up dude! The OP seemed to be having a tough time and needed some positive stories from real, non-bitter people. Its great that some people have bared their souls. Nobody has a monopoly on wisdom - surely we can all learn from other peoples successful experiences?

                          You made some references about my relationship. I'm sorry but all I can say is that she loves me and I love her. We are very happy with each other. 6 years and counting. Only the most bitter people would have a problem with that.

                          Let's have a few more good stories from happy people.......who's next?
                          Last edited by newhigh; 2009-09-30, 10:26 AM.

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                          • #88
                            Originally posted by PurpleDaisies View Post
                            Ants - THAT was amazing! Please don`t apologise about such a long post. Your post was indeed long, but there was wisdom and optimism in every line. Thankyou so much for sharing that with us.
                            Thanks for being patient with my long post! (I've just discovered the quote function). I'll try to be a bit more concise in future. Cheers - A.

                            Comment


                            • #89
                              Originally posted by Ants View Post
                              Thanks for being patient with my long post! (I've just discovered the quote function). I'll try to be a bit more concise in future. Cheers - A.
                              No don`t! It was refreshing and moving to read something that was so well thought out and from the heart.

                              Comment


                              • #90
                                Originally posted by newhigh View Post
                                Lighten up dude!
                                Lighten up!?!?

                                How can I lighten up with I'm surrounded by all those pickles! Help me Maury!
                                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oy1OiFWAHNo

                                And Ants... well said.

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