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Another unhappily married gaijin woman

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  • Another unhappily married gaijin woman

    I have been lurking and posting on the forum for a while, but I have never really posted my story.
    Most of the time I just come across as cynical and resigned, but sometimes it gets to me.

    I am a gaijin woman married to a Japanese guy, with a child. If you don`t look too closely, our marriage works. He has a reasonably good job, I work part-time for money for myself and also look after our little boy who is at kindergarten.

    However, my husband sleeps pretty much all the weekend. He will rarely do anything with the family, and even for things for our son - such as kindergarten events- most of the time he won`t show up.

    The biggest thing for me is the lack of sex. Since our son has been born, our sex life is pretty much close to zero - and actually was completely zero for the first 3 years of our son`s life. The last 2 years we have actually had sex a few times - but it is pretty infrequent. Currently it has been exactly 3 months since the last time (damn, it is so infrequent I can remember the date).
    I am not unattractive. I lost all the baby weight, and am getting more male attention at the moment than perhaps ever in my life. I know that people find me attractive, that is- except my husband. He says that I am attractive and that he wants me, but he never wants to have sex - and if I initiate anything he is too tired.

    At first after the baby was born he said he couldn`t have sex because the baby was sleeping in the same room. I pointed out that it was a large house, and suggested all number of places we could do the deed. I suggested getting his mother to babysit while we went to a love hotel. Wasn`t interested in anything I suggested. I worked on moving our little boy into his own room - but then my husband couldn`t have sex because the baby was in the same house.
    Then of course it is because he is tired.
    Basically it is every different excuse you can imagine, but it ends up the same - no sex. If I try to talk to him about it, he says that he is attracted to me and that he does want sex (just not today)
    Even if I sleep naked next to him, he will just roll over and go to sleep. If I start something, he will just say he is tired. Of course I have wondered if he is getting it elsewhere - but I don`t think he is (of course I could be wrong). I have thought that if I could catch him cheating it would be good, because I could get out more easily.

    If I don`t think of him as a husband, but just as a roommate - I can do it. If I can forget that I want to be a woman and be appreciated and have a passionate sex life, and just concentrate on raising my child - I can do it. If I concentrate on enjoying the campany of friends, and forget that I am supposed to share anything but an empty courtesy with my husband - I can do it.
    Seen from the surface he is a good husband, and our son loves him. I also am scared that if I leave, I may lose custody of our son - and I would do anything to avoid that.

  • #2
    ... and you did not know this life was waiting for you when you said, "I do"....??

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    • #3
      Honestly, his desire for sleep makes me wonder if perhaps he is depressed.. it can also cause low sex drive...
      Im sorry that this is your situation, and i wish you all the very best in sorting it out, so you can be happy, as a woman, wife and mother.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by well_bicyclically View Post
        ... and you did not know this life was waiting for you when you said, "I do"....??
        Yeah I know - STUPID,STUPID!! Right?!
        But whenever I imagined married life, I imagined a LITTLE more sex.
        And I guess I bought into the myth that all men want sex.

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        • #5
          Damm hope this problem gets sorted before your son grows up! I guess interracial marriages need a little bit more effort for both parties to be happy. I'm sure you can talk it out with husband? Ask him what turns him on?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by kentokun View Post
            I'm sure you can talk it out with husband? Ask him what turns him on?
            Well, if he was prepared to talk about it honestly, then I don`t think I would be writing here.
            If I want to talk about it he usually just suddenly goes deaf, or pretends to be asleep.
            If pushed, he says that he wants me, that I turn him on and that we will have sex - tomorrow.

            I`d be happy to work with him, and try new things if that`s what he wanted. He`s pretty vanilla in his tastes, and doesn`t even like oral sex (giving or receiving).
            I do have some nice underwear, but he never gives it more than a passing glance -and if I lie next to him naked and horny, I may as well be wearing a burka.

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            • #7
              Did you try mentioning how much attention you were getting from other men? Jealousy is a pretty powerful motivator.

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              • #8
                Take your son and go. He will not change. There is nothing you can do.

                Sorry to be so negative but I wasted 20 years with a man with the same problem. Get out now.

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                • #9
                  i would try the burka.

                  tell him you've been a bad girl cos you went to school to get educated and then give him a cane to ummm cane you with.

                  i think donqi has mullah beards if he wants to dress up too.

                  "vanilla tastes" often mask much darker richer sometimes disturbing tastes, regardless of gender.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by xyz View Post
                    I also am scared that if I leave, I may lose custody of our son - and I would do anything to avoid that.
                    Why would that be? Couldn't you just say you'll be visiting your parents in your homecountry, take your son with you and never come back? What do you think he will (can) do? He's got his life (work) here in Japan. I don't think he'll give up everything here to be with you and your son in your own country. He doesn't seem all that interested in the two of you, so... It might work as a wake-up call even. You know, realizing what he lost. Making more efforts, not taking you for granted etc.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by TPG View Post
                      Couldn't you just say you'll be visiting your parents in your homecountry, take your son with you and never come back? What do you think he will (can) do?
                      That could get messy. First, it would amount to justification for all the Japanese spouses who have fled to Japan with the kids, and for the Japanese government's support of them. Second, I can imagine some countries (namely, mine, the US) receiving a complaint from the Japanese government and deciding to force the spouse to take the child back to Japan.

                      As you said, it sounds like he'd pretty much consent if xyz said she was going to take the child and leave.

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                      • #12
                        Thanks

                        Thanks for the kind and mostly well thought out responses to my thread. Lots to think about and more I want to say.
                        But damn, started to think about it all which is getting to me - will be back soon to say more. Thanks...

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by xyz View Post
                          If I don`t think of him as a husband, but just as a roommate - I can do it. If I can forget that I want to be a woman and be appreciated and have a passionate sex life, and just concentrate on raising my child - I can do it. If I concentrate on enjoying the campany of friends, and forget that I am supposed to share anything but an empty courtesy with my husband - I can do it.
                          It looks like you found the way out of your laughable misery. How did you end up like that? Well, seriously, if you are real and if your story is true, the answer is very simple as always: if somebody doesn't do something, it can mean only two possible things: he cannot do that or he does not want to do that. If it is the first case, your sweatheart is sick, either physially or mentally. Some Western women can also be as frigid as Jives. The same goes with men. On average J-men do not strike me as no-desire stuff. On the contrary. But it does not mean that impotents do not exist here completely. Maybe your lovely one is one of the unfortunates. If he is mentally sick or seriosuly depressed, it is more complicated. But honestly, my money is on the second case- he does not want you. Probably he is in love with someone else, maybe even seeing someone else. But a little son and the shame and stress of a divorce locked him in his marriage. Good reason to be depressed, probably. I don't see the way out for you. You can talk to him, try to find out the truth about his inner world, even confront him. But I doubt it will work. Maybe it will only make things worse. If he wanted to talk to you, he would have already done that. Or you can exist with him, just like your describe in your post. What a wonderful life! Enjoy. And my condolence as a tribute to the deceased love of your both.

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                          • #14
                            Shiratori/LT
                            You really are a b !tch aren`t you.
                            If you really are who you say you are, a Russian woman married to a Japanese man - then I bet you don`t have any children.
                            You are very stuck up and sanctimonious, and think you are so much better than everyone. "Oooo I don`t have any problems in my marriage, I am wonderful. My husband loves me, wants to have sex with me blah blah blah."
                            It`s going to be so very interesting when you do have children and the reality hits, and you realise that you are just like the rest of us.

                            So do you have children? If so, I apologise and am interested in hearing more about how you kept your marriage alive. If you don`t, then I say you have no f-ing idea and I do not want to hear any more of your "advice" or "help".
                            Last edited by xyz; 2010-07-10, 11:08 PM. Reason: do not want to quote LT

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by xyz View Post
                              [I] am interested in hearing more about how you kept your marriage alive. If you don`t, then I say you have no f-ing idea and I do not want to hear any more of your "advice" or "help".
                              She bathes 5 times a day. Six on Sundays.

                              LT... Secreeets.

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