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What are the unspoken rules and expectations in an international marriage?

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  • What are the unspoken rules and expectations in an international marriage?

    ..........
    Last edited by Genkii; 2012-02-18, 11:16 AM.

  • #2
    This is not something anyone can answer but your potential marriage partner. Everybody is different and there aren't really any stereotypical answers that would apply, IMO.

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    • #3
      Yes, that really does depend on the partner. Probably the biggest thing is one person has to live away from their family and friends in their home country. This can be even harder if the partner is an eldest child with certain responsibilities towards the family.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Genkii View Post
        Not being married myself I can only guess.

        What are the unspoken rules and expectations in a marriage with a japanese women/men?

        ~ Who pays the bills?
        ~ Are you expected to suppport your inlaw family financially?
        ~ How are the household chores distributed?
        ~ Will one of you stay home to raise the children? Is daycare an option?
        ~ Who your friends are
        ~ Will you attend religious servicesc?

        If you have more feel free to post them.
        If the rules are unspoken then you must be assuming they are given as fact or law when they are not, It is not necessarily "Japanese culture" one way or the other and if you don't discuss or negotiate things then it leads to arguments.

        Some marriages the husband manages the money. In other marriages the wife takes the salary and gives the husband pocket money.
        I never supported my in-laws as they had more money than I did and lived on a pension.
        What law says a husband can't do housework?
        The one who has to go out and work and earn money usually can't stay home but will help with housework where they can. There are also househusbands in Japan, where wife works and husband stays home. Rare but they exist.
        My wife never chose my friends. She had hers, I had mine and we had friends who know both of us.
        Best to discuss role of religion in household in case you are devout or a born again and start trying to convert your wife. That's where problems start. Would you convert to Buddhism if she was Tenri-kyo?

        If wife is close to parents she may want parents to even live with you and help look after them. You want to tell wife her dying father cant live with you?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Genkii
          Yeah you're probably right but I heard (I think it was KB in a marriage thread) saying something amongst the lines of japanese expecting the men to support the family (including inlaws) especially if they are unable to work.

          I especially want to know what the inlaw expectations are. High income? Coming from an elite family or times have changed?
          Times have changed. In some situations it's the woman who supports the man, or even the woman's family. I mean, it all depends!

          The "typical" Japanese marriage has the man working full time (aka never home), bringing home the money which he gives to the wife so she can budget. She then pays everything with that money, gives him an allowance, and keeps the rest for whatever expenses or savings. I've never really heard of supporting in laws. I do know many young couples move IN with their in laws so the in laws can help with the child and/or to cut expenses, but I've never heard of the couple supporting them, though that doesn't mean it isn't true. I'm sure it depends.

          Coming from an elite family or educational background would only be important if that is the type of girl you are marrying, and even so it's obviously dependent on the person themselves. Japanese people don't seek the approval of their parents for their marriage partners the way they used to- otherwise many of us gaijins would never be married to Japanese people at all!

          There really is no "one size fits all" here. The only thing I will say is that it is true that Japanese people tend to choose "convenience" and that includes money, over love when choosing a marriage partner. It seems people get married more because it makes sense than because they're madly in love. That isn't everybody, but Japanese women do seek comfort and money, and I've heard friends say they would never marry a guy who didn't make enough money and that it was one of the things they worried about the most when thinking about a marriage partner. But I've never heard anything about supporting in laws whatsoever.

          Anyway, if you find someone you want to marry there will be a time you can discuss all this with them. Until then all you will get are other people's experiences which might have nothing to do with what yours would be like.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Genkii View Post
            Not being married myself I can only guess.

            What are the unspoken rules and expectations in a marriage with a japanese women/men?

            ~ Who pays the bills?
            ~ Are you expected to suppport your inlaw family financially?
            ~ How are the household chores distributed?
            ~ Will one of you stay home to raise the children? Is daycare an option?
            ~ Who your friends are
            ~ Will you attend religious servicesc?

            If you have more feel free to post them.
            None of anyone's business except the married couple. As long as what they decide works for them, its OK.

            Comment


            • #7
              If you are sensible, most of these things you will have already discussed and agreed upon way before reaching the altar. If you have been dating someone for a long time you will almost certainly know what they feel about certain things and you can choose to accept them, or not. After marriage is not really the time to learn about a persons religious or sexual hangups, their attitudes towards money, attitudes towards child raising. Things you don't agree with, you learn to negotiate or agree to disagree on by communicating with each other. If you fail to communicate then the marriage will invariably break down.

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              • #8
                There are no unspoken rules and expectations in an international marriage. For a rule/expectation to remain unspoken, there would need to be a common culture from which knowledge of the unspoken rule emerged. By very virtue of the fact that the marriage is international, it would be very unlikely not only that this commonality would exist, but also that it would be known by both partners that the other partner's culture also felt this way.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Genkii View Post
                  Not being married myself I can only guess.

                  What are the unspoken rules and expectations in a marriage with a japanese women/men?

                  ~ Who pays the bills?
                  ~ Are you expected to suppport your inlaw family financially?
                  ~ How are the household chores distributed?
                  ~ Will one of you stay home to raise the children? Is daycare an option?
                  ~ Who your friends are
                  ~ Will you attend religious servicesc?

                  If you have more feel free to post them.
                  Those aren't rules, as such, but a good list (although far from complete) of things that people should discuss before deciding to get married.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Usually the biggest things that couples fight about (among other things) is sex and money. Husband doesn't earn enough, husband doesn't give wife enough money for housekeeping. Wife is too lazy, Husband is too frugal, wastes money or doesn't spend it on family. Husband doesn't do enough housework or child raising. Spends too much time on sports and not enough on family.

                    Marriage is partly about trying to accept people as they are because thats why you married them. Trying to "change" people and put them in a box so they can meet some cultural norm (this is how its done in Japan etc) usually results in one or other becoming miserable over time. Marriage is about give and take and not imposing rigid rules on people based on your own belief systems.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Genkii
                      Something different: Do you still need the permission of the parents (father?) if you want to marry your japanese girlfriend or is that outdated?
                      Only if she is 18 which is the legal age a Japanese woman can marry. If she is an adult she doesn't need her parents' permission. I have done many weddings in the past where the father appeared disapproving of his daughter's choice in spouse.

                      However it is good manners to ask first, as you will have to deal with her parents after the wedding ceremony is over.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                        If you are sensible, most of these things you will have already discussed and agreed upon way before reaching the altar. If you have been dating someone for a long time you will almost certainly know what they feel about certain things and you can choose to accept them, or not. After marriage is not really the time to learn about a persons religious or sexual hangups, their attitudes towards money, attitudes towards child raising. Things you don't agree with, you learn to negotiate or agree to disagree on by communicating with each other. If you fail to communicate then the marriage will invariably break down.
                        You are correct, but it is hard to think of all these things before you get married. With respect, you appear not to have discussed money or child matters very much with your wife before you got married, from your posts. Or if you did, you discussed them but married her anyway even though you had different ideas. Or she just lied about her opinions.

                        I had a much better idea of what problems might crop up when I married the second time, so we have fewer surprises.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by tomcat View Post
                          You are correct, but it is hard to think of all these things before you get married. With respect, you appear not to have discussed money or child matters very much with your wife before you got married, from your posts. Or if you did, you discussed them but married her anyway even though you had different ideas. Or she just lied about her opinions.
                          with 20/20 hindsight that is probably true. I had dated during college but on reflection probably was inexperienced when it came to relationships, negotiating and understanding women.

                          By the end I realised she had her own agenda and ideas about things and what i thought about things really didnt matter to her. She has lied to me on several important occasions, though she made a big deal if I told fibs or was economical with the truth.

                          Probably not getting married would have been better all around but when you are young and infatuated your head plays tricks on you, does it not?

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Genkii View Post
                            Not being fully developed neurologiically myself. I can only guess.....

                            one would assume that the reason for the high rate of divorce is that there are far too many unspoken expectations in international marriages....

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by KansaiBen View Post
                              Usually the biggest things that couples fight about (among other things) is sex and money. Husband doesn't earn enough, husband doesn't give wife enough money for housekeeping. Wife is too lazy, Husband is too frugal, wastes money or doesn't spend it on family. Husband doesn't do enough housework or child raising. Spends too much time on sports and not enough on family.

                              Marriage is partly about trying to accept people as they are because thats why you married them. Trying to "change" people and put them in a box so they can meet some cultural norm (this is how its done in Japan etc) usually results in one or other becoming miserable over time. Marriage is about give and take and not imposing rigid rules on people based on your own belief systems.
                              This so sounds like me. Married now and I feel exactly the same way. But thinking about the future, she is going to be a great mom, so what is more important? Getting a good mom for your kids and live miserably or get a new one that makes you happy but might be a ____ty mom. sigh

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