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  • breaking up after 4 years... partially long distance

    I decided to break up with my long distance gf in the past few days.Yesterday afternoon, she understood
    i am not gonna reconsider, she said goodbye, after a long call and chat.
    But it was not ok, breaking up like this, with a chat.So i wrote her after few hours that i feel sorry, that
    i still have a feeling but i dont kno if it's love. That 4 years cant finish like that. So i said I need time. And she shoudl
    take time too to think. Probably what I want is that she understand as well that "we are going nowhere".

    I told her I want to break up for the good of the both of us.Because "we are going nowhere", there
    cannot be a happy future for us. And i think i dont love her anymore. She says she was just waiting
    for me to be ready to marry her..that I am the man of her life.
    And i ansered that nothing is gonna change if married, that we had our chances but everything failed.

    I try to be as synthetic as possible, in order for u
    to understand the situation. I am writing here because it's hard to make this decision and I need support from people that
    "walked in the same shoes"..or similar.

    I am italian, she is japanese. Here's our timeline
    mar 2008: met in australia during working holiday visa, stayed always together heavenly until..
    jun 2009: her visa finish , she goes back to ___. (i went visiting her in septembre, just for a month)
    mar 2010, my visa finish, i come back to italy. She comes as well. Just for a few time on holiday
    aug 2010. She comes to italy .During this time she was reclusive at home when i was at work. I proposed to pay
    for language school , but she did not want, saying it was useless as she think she is too stupid and too
    old to learn, Also she missed her country a lot, saying here nothing is convenient.My friends (english speaking)
    always wanted to take her out, but she was not too outgoing so she almost never went.
    During this times we had many fights, involving crying and threatening to leave.Both of us were unhappy.
    nov 2010 we go 4 months travelling in asia during my time off from work. Fights were present as well, but it was overall
    a good time.
    mar 2011 We go back to italy. Situation is same as before... she decided she cannot stay there. Raising problems like "if i have
    a child here..i can't do anything alone". Also, she was worried her parents in japan when old would need her.
    Her "can't do" attitude together with the same issues as before, made me think the only way to stay together is me going
    to japan.
    jun 2011 Tourist visa expires, she goes back to Japan and get a new job , which she likes.
    aug 2011 I go visit her for just couple of weeks.
    jan 2012 I go to japan to study japanese in a school, we rent a small flat together. I was happy about my progress
    with the language, but then i started to realize that to memorize the kanji alphabet was way too long and difficult.
    Living together was not so pleasant. Fights were very frequent, almost on a daily basis, involving me punching thing
    because there was no way for me to make myself understand, her not wanting to reach compromises... and these fights
    were most of the times for small things! A few times we threatned to pack and leave.
    Also, during this time there, I realised i dont like that place, the culture.
    mar 2012 I go back to my country.. since then i met her only 10 days, when she came here on holiday. That was a good time,
    but I felt the "feeling" was not the same.



    This is what i have been speaking about to her..during all this time together:

    reasons why i should not go to japan
    1)we have to rent house because i cannot stay in the big house with her.(even if i could.i wouldn't for obvious
    reasons.
    2)i must study for how many years in order to learn how to READ? ok hiragana and katakana..i know 'em.. but KANJI?
    I should spend all my savings for expensive school ..transport..for how many years (i spent 6000 euros to stay there and study
    for 2,5 months)
    3) Job situation is not easy for a gaijin without bachelor degree and no JLPT. If i could get a job, it would be in restaurants,
    bars. SO working in the night..and she works in the day. So we are never going to meet anymore!

    4) It does not seem people is too open with foreigners...
    5) I honestly don't like japan! at all.


    reasons why it's better for her to come here:
    1)i own a nice apartment
    2)i have a good job
    3)people is more open here and everything is nicer and "less stressing"
    4)my family is waaaaay more open and she can communicate with them
    5)if she would study italian( and she does not have to learn an alphabet, unlike me!) she could find a job for sure.
    6)manual driving licence is not impossible to get.

    But these things..she did not do during her time her. What makes her believe that if married she is gonna do 'em????


    These are the problems:

    -not sure about my feelings right now (love or compassion+guilt?)

    -problems of communication..language and cultural barrier, which was not the case when we were in australia together.
    Since she came back to japan, she started to slowly change and become more "strict".

    -both of us always want to be right (especially her... for the small things. I am pretty easy going for this)

    -many fights when we were living together even turned "almost" to violence. Sometimes packing luggage to leave.

    - No kissing, No feeling like to do sex in the past 2 years or so. For her it's not a problem, as she things it's a normal
    step in a relatioship, as it's the fighting.

    - In the past couple of months..the emailing and skype was happening even every 3/4 days.Honestly, for me there was nothing to
    say anymore...it's like the relationship is on a "stalemate", where nobody of us is making any move.
    We have stopped talking about "what to do" "where do we go", for our future. For her it's ok, as she is just waiting for
    me to ask to marry her, AND FROM THERE she says everything is gonna magically change and turn to be OK (so is she gonna
    decide to LIKE my place,be more outgoing, learn the language, get driving licence, forget about comparing everything with her
    country???) Actually every married gaijin met when studying in japan , said that japanese women become real beetches after
    married, that there is NO WAY to win with them..u have to be completely under their control (but u can come home
    drunk or go to hostess bar.. of course.. this is Japanese culture so it's fine! ).


    I know my writing is very messy..but please..if there is something u guys not understand, please ask.
    I feel very bad right now. I just wish I could CUT this relationship..but I cannot! I was left, and it was painful.But
    nothing compared to this.

  • #2
    Everything you've said points out that you weren't actually compatible or meant to be together. The pain you feel is probably more about the fear of losing a friend. I've been there before too, but staying with someone just because they're 'nice' or 'have a great personality' isn't going to work if you feel there are a lot of flaws and unacceptable aspects to your dating pattern. Just from reading your post I would say on no account get back together. You want to hang out, keep in touch - fair enough. But she is NOT the one for you...

    Comment


    • #3
      You met, hit it off and developed the relationship while you were both studying English in Australia. You were both studying and communicating with each other in a mutually foreign language and living in a mutually foreign country. You were fellow gaijin. You were in a neutral arena on a level playing field. This was probably a big reason you formed such a close bond. After no more Aussie visa it's a question about either Italy or Japan - either Italian or Japanese (though I guess you communicate mostly in English) - one of you will be gaijin and one won't. Seems that you're not happy in Japan and she won't be happy in Italy. It's a bit of a no-brainer looking at objectively. "Think of the children." Imagine if when you were growing up your father or your mother totally despised the country you were in along with its culture and attitudes and was only there on sufferance. Imagine when you were enraged and punching stuff - remember your emotional state at the time and how things bordered on going violent --- could you handle that situation PLUS a screaming baby?

      Comment


      • #4
        I think that was all nice advice, though it would have been more fun with some Italian jokes (Italy is better than Japan!!??? Guido, puhleeeezzzzzzzzzzz), but all I will add is this:



        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by sugarkane View Post
          I decided to break up with my long distance gf in the past few days.Yesterday afternoon, she understood
          i am not gonna reconsider, she said goodbye, after a long call and chat.
          But it was not ok, breaking up like this, with a chat.So i wrote her after few hours that i feel sorry, that
          i still have a feeling but i dont kno if it's love. That 4 years cant finish like that. So i said I need time. And she shoudl
          take time too to think. Probably what I want is that she understand as well that "we are going nowhere".

          I told her I want to break up for the good of the both of us.Because "we are going nowhere", there
          cannot be a happy future for us. And i think i dont love her anymore. She says she was just waiting
          for me to be ready to marry her..that I am the man of her life.
          And i ansered that nothing is gonna change if married, that we had our chances but everything failed.

          I try to be as synthetic as possible, in order for u
          to understand the situation. I am writing here because it's hard to make this decision and I need support from people that
          "walked in the same shoes"..or similar.

          I am italian, she is japanese. Here's our timeline
          mar 2008: met in australia during working holiday visa, stayed always together heavenly until..
          jun 2009: her visa finish , she goes back to ___. (i went visiting her in septembre, just for a month)
          mar 2010, my visa finish, i come back to italy. She comes as well. Just for a few time on holiday
          aug 2010. She comes to italy .During this time she was reclusive at home when i was at work. I proposed to pay
          for language school , but she did not want, saying it was useless as she think she is too stupid and too
          old to learn, Also she missed her country a lot, saying here nothing is convenient.My friends (english speaking)
          always wanted to take her out, but she was not too outgoing so she almost never went.
          During this times we had many fights, involving crying and threatening to leave.Both of us were unhappy.
          nov 2010 we go 4 months travelling in asia during my time off from work. Fights were present as well, but it was overall
          a good time.
          mar 2011 We go back to italy. Situation is same as before... she decided she cannot stay there. Raising problems like "if i have
          a child here..i can't do anything alone". Also, she was worried her parents in japan when old would need her.
          Her "can't do" attitude together with the same issues as before, made me think the only way to stay together is me going
          to japan.
          jun 2011 Tourist visa expires, she goes back to Japan and get a new job , which she likes.
          aug 2011 I go visit her for just couple of weeks.
          jan 2012 I go to japan to study japanese in a school, we rent a small flat together. I was happy about my progress
          with the language, but then i started to realize that to memorize the kanji alphabet was way too long and difficult.
          Living together was not so pleasant. Fights were very frequent, almost on a daily basis, involving me punching thing
          because there was no way for me to make myself understand, her not wanting to reach compromises... and these fights
          were most of the times for small things! A few times we threatned to pack and leave.
          Also, during this time there, I realised i dont like that place, the culture.
          mar 2012 I go back to my country.. since then i met her only 10 days, when she came here on holiday. That was a good time,
          but I felt the "feeling" was not the same.



          This is what i have been speaking about to her..during all this time together:

          reasons why i should not go to japan
          1)we have to rent house because i cannot stay in the big house with her.(even if i could.i wouldn't for obvious
          reasons.
          2)i must study for how many years in order to learn how to READ? ok hiragana and katakana..i know 'em.. but KANJI?
          I should spend all my savings for expensive school ..transport..for how many years (i spent 6000 euros to stay there and study
          for 2,5 months)
          3) Job situation is not easy for a gaijin without bachelor degree and no JLPT. If i could get a job, it would be in restaurants,
          bars. SO working in the night..and she works in the day. So we are never going to meet anymore!

          4) It does not seem people is too open with foreigners...
          5) I honestly don't like japan! at all.


          reasons why it's better for her to come here:
          1)i own a nice apartment
          2)i have a good job
          3)people is more open here and everything is nicer and "less stressing"
          4)my family is waaaaay more open and she can communicate with them
          5)if she would study italian( and she does not have to learn an alphabet, unlike me!) she could find a job for sure.
          6)manual driving licence is not impossible to get.

          But these things..she did not do during her time her. What makes her believe that if married she is gonna do 'em????


          These are the problems:

          -not sure about my feelings right now (love or compassion+guilt?)

          -problems of communication..language and cultural barrier, which was not the case when we were in australia together.
          Since she came back to japan, she started to slowly change and become more "strict".

          -both of us always want to be right (especially her... for the small things. I am pretty easy going for this)

          -many fights when we were living together even turned "almost" to violence. Sometimes packing luggage to leave.

          - No kissing, No feeling like to do sex in the past 2 years or so. For her it's not a problem, as she things it's a normal
          step in a relatioship, as it's the fighting.

          - In the past couple of months..the emailing and skype was happening even every 3/4 days.Honestly, for me there was nothing to
          say anymore...it's like the relationship is on a "stalemate", where nobody of us is making any move.
          We have stopped talking about "what to do" "where do we go", for our future. For her it's ok, as she is just waiting for
          me to ask to marry her, AND FROM THERE she says everything is gonna magically change and turn to be OK (so is she gonna
          decide to LIKE my place,be more outgoing, learn the language, get driving licence, forget about comparing everything with her
          country???) Actually every married gaijin met when studying in japan , said that japanese women become real beetches after
          married, that there is NO WAY to win with them..u have to be completely under their control (but u can come home
          drunk or go to hostess bar.. of course.. this is Japanese culture so it's fine! ).


          I know my writing is very messy..but please..if there is something u guys not understand, please ask.
          I feel very bad right now. I just wish I could CUT this relationship..but I cannot! I was left, and it was painful.But
          nothing compared to this.

          Believe me - reading this load of romantic drivel was far more painful.

          Are you sure you're a guy? Where I come from guys is guys and don't go in for this Barbara Cartland kind of crap. Grow some balls amigo...

          Comment


          • #6
            I think that was uncalled for@!!!!!!!!

            He readily admitted to being an Italian.

            So, judging by what we know from past experiences on here: Italian + Man = in name and genitalia only.

            Betcha he was considerably younger, too.

            Japanese women abroad like that, until they don't like it anymore.

            Then they get pregnant, get him to marry, and everything is rosy.


            Who's Barbara Cartland??????????

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by HarryHurry View Post
              Believe me - reading this load of romantic drivel was far more painful.

              Are you sure you're a guy? Where I come from guys is guys and don't go in for this Barbara Cartland kind of crap. Grow some balls amigo...
              Harry at his best and also at his worst.

              Remember when you were young and that silken haired moon faced wench was prepared to not only give you the time of day, but chugg on that budgie genitalia between your legs, didn't you also feel, like Lardass Kurogane, that the glories of the world had opened up to you?

              Personally I think the OP got a lucky break by breaking up with her.

              Comment


              • #8
                thank you to some of you for the replies. obviously i am not in the mood to even read again other replies.

                Probably what i am looking for is her to understand that breaking up is the only way for us to start again and live happy, of course not in the immediate, but in a hopefully not so far future. The idea of her getting married with another man and being happy relieves me.
                I don't want that she believes that marrying would have solved all our problems. She ignores all our fights etc etc.. I feel I can't definetely break up until she understand.. that's selfish I know... wanting a mutual separation when I am the one wanting to break up.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by sugarkane View Post
                  I decided to break up with my long distance gf in the past few days.Yesterday afternoon, she understood
                  i am not gonna reconsider, she said goodbye, after a long call and chat.
                  But it was not ok, breaking up like this, with a chat.So i wrote her after few hours that i feel sorry, that
                  i still have a feeling but i dont kno if it's love. That 4 years cant finish like that. So i said I need time. And she shoudl
                  take time too to think. Probably what I want is that she understand as well that "we are going nowhere".

                  I told her I want to break up for the good of the both of us.Because "we are going nowhere", there
                  cannot be a happy future for us. And i think i dont love her anymore. She says she was just waiting
                  for me to be ready to marry her..that I am the man of her life.
                  And i ansered that nothing is gonna change if married, that we had our chances but everything failed.

                  I try to be as synthetic as possible, in order for u
                  to understand the situation. I am writing here because it's hard to make this decision and I need support from people that
                  "walked in the same shoes"..or similar.

                  I am italian, she is japanese. Here's our timeline
                  mar 2008: met in australia during working holiday visa, stayed always together heavenly until..
                  jun 2009: her visa finish , she goes back to ___. (i went visiting her in septembre, just for a month)
                  mar 2010, my visa finish, i come back to italy. She comes as well. Just for a few time on holiday
                  aug 2010. She comes to italy .During this time she was reclusive at home when i was at work. I proposed to pay
                  for language school , but she did not want, saying it was useless as she think she is too stupid and too
                  old to learn, Also she missed her country a lot, saying here nothing is convenient.My friends (english speaking)
                  always wanted to take her out, but she was not too outgoing so she almost never went.
                  During this times we had many fights, involving crying and threatening to leave.Both of us were unhappy.
                  nov 2010 we go 4 months travelling in asia during my time off from work. Fights were present as well, but it was overall
                  a good time.
                  mar 2011 We go back to italy. Situation is same as before... she decided she cannot stay there. Raising problems like "if i have
                  a child here..i can't do anything alone". Also, she was worried her parents in japan when old would need her.
                  Her "can't do" attitude together with the same issues as before, made me think the only way to stay together is me going
                  to japan.
                  jun 2011 Tourist visa expires, she goes back to Japan and get a new job , which she likes.
                  aug 2011 I go visit her for just couple of weeks.
                  jan 2012 I go to japan to study japanese in a school, we rent a small flat together. I was happy about my progress
                  with the language, but then i started to realize that to memorize the kanji alphabet was way too long and difficult.
                  Living together was not so pleasant. Fights were very frequent, almost on a daily basis, involving me punching thing
                  because there was no way for me to make myself understand, her not wanting to reach compromises... and these fights
                  were most of the times for small things! A few times we threatned to pack and leave.
                  Also, during this time there, I realised i dont like that place, the culture.
                  mar 2012 I go back to my country.. since then i met her only 10 days, when she came here on holiday. That was a good time,
                  but I felt the "feeling" was not the same.



                  This is what i have been speaking about to her..during all this time together:

                  reasons why i should not go to japan
                  1)we have to rent house because i cannot stay in the big house with her.(even if i could.i wouldn't for obvious
                  reasons.
                  2)i must study for how many years in order to learn how to READ? ok hiragana and katakana..i know 'em.. but KANJI?
                  I should spend all my savings for expensive school ..transport..for how many years (i spent 6000 euros to stay there and study
                  for 2,5 months)
                  3) Job situation is not easy for a gaijin without bachelor degree and no JLPT. If i could get a job, it would be in restaurants,
                  bars. SO working in the night..and she works in the day. So we are never going to meet anymore!

                  4) It does not seem people is too open with foreigners...
                  5) I honestly don't like japan! at all.


                  reasons why it's better for her to come here:
                  1)i own a nice apartment
                  2)i have a good job
                  3)people is more open here and everything is nicer and "less stressing"
                  4)my family is waaaaay more open and she can communicate with them
                  5)if she would study italian( and she does not have to learn an alphabet, unlike me!) she could find a job for sure.
                  6)manual driving licence is not impossible to get.

                  But these things..she did not do during her time her. What makes her believe that if married she is gonna do 'em????


                  These are the problems:

                  -not sure about my feelings right now (love or compassion+guilt?)

                  -problems of communication..language and cultural barrier, which was not the case when we were in australia together.
                  Since she came back to japan, she started to slowly change and become more "strict".

                  -both of us always want to be right (especially her... for the small things. I am pretty easy going for this)

                  -many fights when we were living together even turned "almost" to violence. Sometimes packing luggage to leave.

                  - No kissing, No feeling like to do sex in the past 2 years or so. For her it's not a problem, as she things it's a normal
                  step in a relatioship, as it's the fighting.

                  - In the past couple of months..the emailing and skype was happening even every 3/4 days.Honestly, for me there was nothing to
                  say anymore...it's like the relationship is on a "stalemate", where nobody of us is making any move.
                  We have stopped talking about "what to do" "where do we go", for our future. For her it's ok, as she is just waiting for
                  me to ask to marry her, AND FROM THERE she says everything is gonna magically change and turn to be OK (so is she gonna
                  decide to LIKE my place,be more outgoing, learn the language, get driving licence, forget about comparing everything with her
                  country???) Actually every married gaijin met when studying in japan , said that japanese women become real beetches after
                  married, that there is NO WAY to win with them..u have to be completely under their control (but u can come home
                  drunk or go to hostess bar.. of course.. this is Japanese culture so it's fine! ).


                  I know my writing is very messy..but please..if there is something u guys not understand, please ask.
                  I feel very bad right now. I just wish I could CUT this relationship..but I cannot! I was left, and it was painful.But
                  nothing compared to this.

                  Way too much drama.

                  Find someone new.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Couple of thoughts here:

                    - I think you reached the point where most of reached before where one of you has to make the decision to move permanently or its time to break it up, and you broke it up.

                    - With all the fighting you mentioned, it seems like a good thing that you broke up. I can't believe it took so long to come to it though. 4 years was wa too long. I always tell any girl straight up that if they lay a finger on me, it's over immediately. She reminds me of some girl I used to bang who I loved but was a total pain in the butt. Life became so much better when she dumped me. In fact, I thanked her for it.

                    - Moving to other countries is not something for non-outgoing people. Hey she atleast kind of tried though, but you both want don't want to move for mostly the same reasons.
                    Last edited by rzombie1988; 2012-09-30, 04:55 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      [QUOTE=Chuck Sickens;1282571]Harry at his best and also at his worst.

                      Remember when you were young and that silken haired moon faced wench was prepared to not only give you the time of day, but chugg on that budgie genitalia between your legs, didn't you also feel, like Lardass Kurogane, that the glories of the world had opened up to you?

                      QUOTE]


                      Yeah, yeah, I do remember. I just didn't go boring the rest of the world with it all. It's all very unhealthily unmanly...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        If you are "the man of her life" then she should be willing to make some effort to live with you, and not just in Japan. Sure, she's waiting for you. Waiting for you to agree to her terms and conditions that is! If you think you have any future with her, you need to state this very clearly and get her straight answer.

                        Based on what you have told us, I think marriage or indeed any future contact would be a mistake for both of you. A big mistake in fact.

                        Be wise, be strong and make the break now, not in X years time when there are children to suffer as well.

                        You are both communicating in English obviously, which is a strain for both of you. Perhaps more equitable in some ways, but still a strain. She shows no interest in learning your language, but expects you to learn hers??

                        Sorry my friend, it won't be easy and it won't be nice, but based and what you have told us, I honestly don't think you have any future there. She does not sound like a fair-minded person or indeed one willing to make much effort.

                        If she is a "Little Japaner" as well, what hope is there? (By that expression I mean someone who thinks Japan has everything and has little or no interest in the rest of the world etc. - it's a play on "Little Englander" btw)

                        Sorry, but desire leads to the physical act of reproduction; it does not necessarily lead to cultural, intellectual or emotional compatibility. Such is the lottery of life!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          tl;dr

                          I stopped at "synthetic"

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Enforce the hard decision that you've already made and stick with it. Delete her details from your keitai. Nothing you have written supports continuing this relationship, and the sooner you're out of it the better for both of you.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Uncompletist View Post
                              developed the relationship while you were both studying English in Australia. You were both studying and communicating with each other in a mutually foreign language and living in a mutually foreign country. You were fellow gaijin. You were in a neutral arena on a level playing field.
                              This is a quality post.

                              Something to consider;
                              If she is not into kissing or having sex now, it's very likely that you will be in a 'sexless' marriage especially after kids come.
                              Japanese are often very good mothers, but do not consider their husbands happiness to be important.

                              If you somehow learn to love Japan, then the problem of the language is not a big deal.
                              You can self study the most basic Kanji. School is not required. A degree is not required for work either. You honestly only need to know about 500 of them, and it will be enough for daily life. Who cares if you can't read the political newspaper. After living in Japan for a year, your speaking skill will also be good enough for conversation.

                              In the end, by what you wrote it sounds like breaking up is the best thing.
                              Finding a girl in your own 'world' is oftentimes the best choice.

                              Comment

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