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How to divorce a depressed spouse

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  • How to divorce a depressed spouse

    I am in a very complicated, confusing, and heartbreaking situation. Im literally at wits end and have no clue how to handle the situation anymore. Some might have read the other "missus is depressed" thread.

    Since a couple of weeks im pondering to break up the relationship. The missus is really depressed and it's not getting any better. Tried to offer her to do some counseling which she doesn't want. She has bad luck up on bad luck, working very hard and getting more stressed and stressed each and every day. Her friends are all doing things like going to Canada, getting pregnant and enjoying life, while she is only working. On top of that her sister which she hates (for stealing her dream) comes back to Japan during golden week, her mother also doesn't support her and her father is in the hospital and has not much longer to live.

    So yesterday we had a discussion and I thought I would slowly bring it to her, but for me, it is was heartbreaking. I feel its better to separate but the moment she realized I was being serious she became completely upset, crying and telling me that she loves me so much. I had tears in my eyes but not because I also love her but because I feel like such an _______ for breaking up and pouring this ____ on top of her already difficult situation. Of course I couldn't continue and said that I still loved her. DOH!

    I don't know what to do anymore and I could use some advice. She already send me a message "U decided to be with me because I cried, no right?".

    im so ____ing stressed out.

  • #2
    Maybe time for an ultimatum. "You get professional help or I'm leaving".

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Esoteric View Post
      Maybe time for an ultimatum. "You get professional help or I'm leaving".
      Totally agree. Been there, done that, got the depleted bank account to prove it and it was worth every cent.
      There is no reason for you both to be depressed.

      Comment


      • #4
        I remember the other tread well as I had the dissenting opinion that YOU are one of the main reasons for her depression (I think I wrote something like 'leeching off your wife financially and emotionally'). Now she's getting worse as her father is dying and you behave like a j*erk again ?
        I think both of you should visit a good counselor, not just her.

        Comment


        • #5
          I remember your "misses is depressed" thread. I agree with Esoteric that you should resolutely give her an ultimatum. If she refuses to choose, then you choose. Just be ready to make that choice without any waffling. Don't make a habit of folding at the last minute.

          If she needs to be there for her mother, why is she going nuts? Does she expect you to swoop in with some fantastic solution that will ultimately land her in a luxurious overseas existence tomorrow? If I remember correctly, you said you weren't making very much in Japan. I assume it wouldn't be much different back home (at least initially). Does she understand that? Is she willing to get a job right away in your country and row the boat right along side you? I suspect that if you were to take her overseas, the histrionics would simply switch to the problems you would have there.

          Comment


          • #6
            This may sound harsh, but it's what's been keeping me somewhat grounded(though I'm sure there are those on the forum that beg to differ and think I'm nucking futs! Believe me, I used to be worse).

            One must be selfish and put oneself first.
            You need to get yourself right, and things in life tend to(not always) fall into place.
            You are of no service to others, if you are not functional.

            You can help people.
            You can support them.
            But, you cannot change them.

            First, YOU need to sit down with YOURSELF.
            Think about what is best for you and what can or cannot work in your situation.
            Then, sit down with her and talk.
            Try and set some short and long term goals together.
            If she flat out refuses to work with you, then you need to decide your next step.
            It might be a separation at first, or a divorce further down the line.
            What do you think?

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by ttokyo View Post
              I remember the other tread well as I had the dissenting opinion that YOU are one of the main reasons for her depression (I think I wrote something like 'leeching off your wife financially and emotionally'). Now she's getting worse as her father is dying and you behave like a j*erk again ?
              I think both of you should visit a good counselor, not just her.
              Sorry im not behaving like a jerk, I think. Now, I just want whats best for her and that is to leave Japan, I dont know how though as she says she cant because of her mom. We saved some money which is actually for future kids but I'm willing to give all that to her to get her to Canada or to start over if that is what makes her happy. IM not leeching, at least, not trying, but for me it's just best that we end it now, before we try another 5 years and it will get worse. I feel no passion and lately just tired to go home.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by gaijin ga iru View Post
                I remember your "misses is depressed" thread. I agree with Esoteric that you should resolutely give her an ultimatum. If she refuses to choose, then you choose. Just be ready to make that choice without any waffling. Don't make a habit of folding at the last minute.

                If she needs to be there for her mother, why is she going nuts? Does she expect you to swoop in with some fantastic solution that will ultimately land her in a luxurious overseas existence tomorrow? If I remember correctly, you said you weren't making very much in Japan. I assume it wouldn't be much different back home (at least initially). Does she understand that? Is she willing to get a job right away in your country and row the boat right along side you? I suspect that if you were to take her overseas, the histrionics would simply switch to the problems you would have there.
                So I told her I would go to a mental clinic to talk, and I asked her to do the same, but she refuses it. She won't change her mind.

                The problem is, this whole month ____ just piles on top of her. First her "evil" sister is coming back to Japan for a holiday, her daily parttime job is starting to wear her out, her father is hospitalized, and now im trying to break up. she said many times before that she just wants to escape this life (suicidal tendencies) she grabbed a kitchen knife once when we fought. So im scared as hell.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Oh and last but not least, she said im the only she has. She has no one, no best friends and her mother doesn't/CANT choose a favorite daughter of course, but according to the missus shows more sympathy towards the sister even though the missus is the angel of the two.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by wernst View Post
                    So I told her I would go to a mental clinic to talk, and I asked her to do the same, but she refuses it. She won't change her mind.

                    The problem is, this whole month ____ just piles on top of her. First her "evil" sister is coming back to Japan for a holiday, her daily parttime job is starting to wear her out, her father is hospitalized, and now im trying to break up. she said many times before that she just wants to escape this life (suicidal tendencies) she grabbed a kitchen knife once when we fought. So im scared as hell.
                    Maybe you need to change how you are suggesting things. Did you call it a mental clinic when you proposed it to her and say you were going to do it so she should? Why not just say you care about her and want to have a strong relationship and think you should get some counseling together to help you get stronger for your future family.

                    But before anything else you have to decide what you want. Nothing else can be done until you have that figured out. If deep down you want to make it work, then it won't be easy but commit and make it happen. If you don't, then get out now and don't make it any worse.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by TeRReT View Post
                      Maybe you need to change how you are suggesting things. Did you call it a mental clinic when you proposed it to her and say you were going to do it so she should? Why not just say you care about her and want to have a strong relationship and think you should get some counseling together to help you get stronger for your future family.

                      But before anything else you have to decide what you want. Nothing else can be done until you have that figured out. If deep down you want to make it work, then it won't be easy but commit and make it happen. If you don't, then get out now and don't make it any worse.
                      Or just tell her straight out that the counseling is for YOU and you need her to come along and support you or you might have a breakdown. If you have a breakdown, you're afraid that you will lose control and don't know what you'll do.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wernie, I said it in the other thread and I'll say it again here: The missus needs medical help. Would you stand by if she were waffling on cancer treatment? Why so with depression? Regardless of what she decides to do, you can't let it ruin your life (unless you want it to). Tell her if she wants to get her ____ right, you'll support her, or else you're outta there.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Get professional help for both of you. If either one of you goes under, then the other will follow shortly.

                          Realise that she is sick; it's not her fault. Nevertheless, you should be firm but gentle with her.

                          Remember: whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

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                          • #14
                            Tell her the truth.
                            You're gay.

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                            • #15
                              wernst, I don't really have any good advice (except that I would say an ultimatum like this might not have the desired effect - you know her best, so think carefully) but I hope very much that you two can get back on track soon.
                              However the title of the thread shows that maybe its too late for that? I hope not.

                              I would certainly go for counselling if you still have the energy, actually just for you, whether she comes or not. This situation sounds truly exhausting for you - It must be so frustrating to know what is best and yet feel you are banging your head against a brick wall. It would be great to get her to come along too, but actually I think most good therapists would want to see you separately for a while anyway.

                              What does she say about the whole thing? Would seeing a local GP style doctor be a good place to start - maybe a (ANY) doctor telling her "You need mental help" might be stronger for her Japanese thinking than her husband telling her exactly the same thing? What does her mother say? Have you talked to her friends or family?

                              Good luck and keep updating.

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